A Mess of Things
By Shaid
Chapter 1:
April, 1997
"Jordan?"
Angela was staring at me, waiting for an answer. But, like, I couldn't say anything; I could barely think. I wanted to, but there was this big, huge lump of emotions in my throat and I didn't think I could speak around them. My head was full of all these thoughts, so many of them totally opposite, and I wasn't quite sure what I should say. I mean, my first thought had been holy shit! And after that, things got a little jumbled.
The two main feelings I could pick out were weird; I know they were right for the situation but totally weird, all the same. I was happy, so happy and excited I thought I might actually cry. But at the same time I was scared, more scared than I'd ever been before. The only thing that even came close was when I was still kinda little and my old man used to beat on me, but even that was mild compared to this.
I could see tears starting to form in the corners of Angela's eyes and I knew I needed to say something. Something, like, reassuring, so like, she didn't bolt. 'Cause I could totally see the wheels turning in her head and I could, like, see her closing off as I kept my mouth shut. So I said the only thing I could.
"Wow." It was barely a whisper and I knew I was breathing a little harder and that my heart was racing. I stared off into nothing for a few moments then looked back at her. She bit her lip, which was really cute, and looked down. I knew it didn't make her feel much better, but really, it was the only thing I could think to say.
"Are you mad?" she asked, her voice really soft and fragile sounding, like if I said the wrong thing next she just might break apart. And since I loved her, breaking wasn't something I could let her do. I grinned a bit. Was I mad? No, that was one emotion I was definitely not feeling right now.
"Mad? No! No, Angela, I'm not mad. Scared? Like, hell yeah. Very, very scared." I grabbed one of her hands and rubbed the back of her palm. "It's weird, 'cause like, I've never been this scared and this happy at the same time." She blinked and looked at me funny.
"You're happy?" There was definitely some fear in her voice this time, surprise as well, like she couldn't believe I'd actually be happy about this. I couldn't blame her; I was pretty surprised to be happy, myself.
"Yeah, I am. It's weird, but it feels right too. Happy and kinda excited. Scared as hell too, but that's like, not a bad thing. I don't think I've ever been this scared. Ever. And scared's not such a weird reaction, I don't think." I was rambling, like she used to when we first got together and she got really nervous. She still rambles when she's nervous.
"But happy's not really a weird reaction either, is it? I don't think so. I mean, I know it's not the best timing in the world, but this isn't the most horrible thing in the world, either, right?" She shook her head and I pulled her into my lap. She felt good there, right, and I needed to be close to her to say these things. "You and me- We've been through a lot, Angela. And I know we're really young and your parents are going to freak out. My parents might actually freak out. Hell, we're not even finished with high school, yet. But that's not like, the real issue. 'Cause, like, we have been through a lot and we're still here, together. And-" I paused, looking for the words that would make all of this a little more okay for her. "Angela, I love you. I'm willing to do this with you; whatever you decide we're doing. So as long as we've got that, I think we'll be okay."
"So you're not mad at me? I mean, you're not like, totally pissed that this happened? This is really big, Jordan. Really, really big. Graduation is still like, a month off and I'm planning on staying close for college but-" She was starting to babble so I cut her off.
"Ange, Babe, you didn't get pregnant all by your self." She blushed, just like she always did when I said something about us having sex. It had been over a year and a half since we'd first slept together but like, it still totally made her blush. A lot of the time, I'd say something just to get her to do that; it was cute but totally hot at the same time.
I should have expected this, really. I mean, we'd always used condoms but we both know they're not completely effective. Nothing's completely effective except not having sex at all. We tried that for the first part of our relationship and I don't think either of us were willing to go back to those days. And it's not like she was on the pill, either. With her parents in the middle of a messy divorce, it wasn't like she felt she could really like, talk to either of them about birth control or sex and since she was still under eighteen, they needed to okay things like that.
Telling her parents was going to be hell. Getting them to be in the same room together lately was hell, actually. And I knew Angela was totally imagining telling them by her self. Telling Patty and Graham I'd gotten their underage daughter pregnant wasn't something I was looking forward to; but I loved Angela, so I really couldn't let her face it alone. Patty still liked me and I was welcome in the house whenever (for now) but Graham didn't like me all that well. He was going to like me a hell of a lot less, real soon.
We'd been sitting on the floor in her room when she'd told me. She still liked for me to come over after school for a few hours and I did when I could. I had a gig tonight and I'd planned for her to be there, but now I was thinking it might be good if she stayed home. Usually, I was working; I wanted to get a nice apartment in Pittsburgh and I figured the best way to manage that would be to save up.
Thanks to her and Krakow, I was graduating with her; I was still pretty low on the class list, but at least I was graduating. We had been planning that when Angela started her freshman year at Pitt, I'd start taking a few courses at Allegheny Community College; get at least an associates degree in business so I could handle more things for the band. With my GPA (which was still pretty dismal) and my family's financial situation, community college was going to be the best option. She was looking to major in English, at least for now.
I was working at a local garage part time (it was at least an income), and playing gigs as often as we could. Residue was getting pretty big locally and we were getting signed to do openings and that shit. It had been a spur of the moment thing for me to take over as lead singer, but it seemed to work. We even had a demo that was selling pretty well in some local record stores. But this was something different… Things were going to have to change a bit.
I leaned back against her bed a little to look at her. I didn't see anything different about her, really. Yeah, her hair was a little different; still the same cut, a little longer, but the red was a little lighter now. She was still the Angela Chase I'd fallen for two years ago; she'd just grown up a bit. Her shape was slightly different, more filled out and her face had matured, I guess. She didn't look so much like a girl anymore as a woman.
A woman who was carrying my child. I could feel a bit of panic at that thought but I swallowed it down. I was doing my best to keep calm and to think things through here. A little bit of panic was okay; this was a really big deal. But if I gave into it, I might do something stupid. Yeah, it's my baby, but it's her body. She's seventeen still and would be for another three weeks. She was about to go off to college for the first time and… god, she had to be fucking terrified. At twenty, I'm old enough that a few of my friends have kids now and while it's still weird, it's also kinda… normal. At least as normal as things got for me. This was really out of her comfort zone.
"So like, how long have you…?" My question trailed off into nothing. "I mean, you took a test, right? When? Why?"
She looked embarrassed and started fidgeting. "I started suspecting about two weeks ago when I missed my period again. And I was kinda, like, sick in the morning, too. Obvious signs, you know?" She smiled and rolled her eyes a bit. "I was like, really reluctant to even take a test but figured I'd better, especially with the nausea."
"Again?" I was kinda curious. I mean, I sorta knew how this stuff worked, a little. We're all forced to take Sex Ed at some point, you know. That, however, had been before I could read as well as I did now so I wasn't as sure of the mechanics as I'd like to be. Either way, I knew Angela knew more about it than I ever would.
"Yeah, missing one is kinda normal. Like, it's no big deal. But missing two in a row? Yeah, that's something to worry about, especially if you're not on the pill."
"So when did you take a test? Where'd you get it?"
"Um, well, I kinda took it right before you picked me up today." She blushed and I remembered how distracted she'd seemed in the car. "And I, um, sorta asked Rayanne to get it for me last night." The last part she definitely mumbled.
"Graff?"
"Yeah. She was the only person I could really think of who wouldn't completely freak out on me. Sharon would have been a wreck about it, especially since she's had two pregnancy scares in the last year. She's swearing off sex until after college. I doubt she'll make it through the summer. And Ricky? Honestly, I think Ricky would have been half freaked out and half gaga over it being like, romantic or something." She groaned and buried her head in my shoulder. "As if an un-planned teenage pregnancy is somehow romantic! Anyway. Rayanne, flighty as she is, was the one person who I felt would take it seriously enough not to flip out. She still teased me but at least she was, you know, practical about it. As much of a mess as she is and as awkward as it's been with her and me, Rayanne was the only one I wanted to trust with this. Other than you, of course."
Graff and I still didn't talk. I'm not sure we ever will. Angela had forgiven both of us, though I still felt really bad about it every once in a while; guilty, you know? I'd been a total asshole and I still didn't deserve her. I doubted there was any way to really make it up to her for what we'd done, but I would still try.
Anyway, Graff and Angela might have mended fences but they still fought. Sometimes, I wondered why they put themselves through this shit. There were days when it seemed like Angela was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I still didn't quite understand why my girl was friends with her, especially after what we'd done. Of course, I'd never understood why she'd forgiven me, either.
"So, like, why didn't you ask me to get you the pregnancy test?" She turned bright cherry red and looked down, mumbling into my shirt. I wasn't really hurt about it, though I think she thought I was. But I knew Angela; she like, totally over-thought everything. She worried about everything, too. I smiled and held her closer. "I'm not mad, I promise. And I didn't quite hear you, there, Babe." She looked up at me and bit her lip again.
"I didn't want to say anything unless I was sure. I didn't want you to get upset or be mad at me. Or like, worry, you know? And the only way to be sure was to… you know. So I talked to Rayanne after you left last night. And I told her that she couldn't breathe a word of this to anyone, on pain of death." She laughed a little. I really hoped Graff wouldn't be a bitch about this and spread it around the school; Angela was going to have a hard enough time with this. "She teased me a bit. Okay, she teased me a lot, but she was like, really supportive at the same time."
"Graff was supportive?"
"Well, yeah! We may not be best friends all the time, but she's still, like, my friend. And she cares about me."
"So like, what did she say?" I asked.
"The first thing she said was that I needed to tell you. Like, last week."
"Yeah, I'd agree with her on that. So did you tell her that, you know, you are?" I smiled a little and slid my hand over her belly. Nothing felt different, but I knew that would change soon. It was like, a really weird feeling, knowing that something was actually growing inside her, right under my hand. Not just something, either; it was like, an actual person. Holy shit.
"No, I told her that either way, I was going to talk to you first and call her later tonight. I felt you had the right to be the first person I told about… the baby." We both kinda paused at the word and I felt my heart speed up again. Oh, holy fuck! "Anyway, she said she'd expected that. She also said that she was like, really happy for me." I raised my eyebrow at that, more than a little surprised. "She- She thinks I'll make a good mom," she whispered. I could hear that she was about to cry so I kissed her forehead.
"I agree with her on that, too."
"I'm so scared, Jordan!" I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her in tight, kissing her shoulder.
"Angela, Baby, it's going to be alright. We can do this. We'll figure this out," I whispered to her, stroking her hair. Right then, I think she just kinda broke down because she started sobbing. The only thing I could really do for her was hold her, so I did. She cried for a long time, almost an hour, and when she stopped, she fell asleep. I'd carried her once before, but she was like, conscious then; this was a bit harder, but I was able to get her onto her bed and sit down next to her. She slept pretty peacefully, curled up against my side. I just sat with her and stroked her hair.
Ten minutes later I heard Patty's car pull up. I'd parked on the street, so she'd know I was there. A few moments later I heard the back door opening and Patty called up. "Angela? Jordan? I'm home." Danielle was with Graham and Hallie this week so there was no one else in the house. Quietly, I got up so I wouldn't wake Angela and crept down the stairs. Her mom was in the living room.
"Hey, Jordan. Where's-"
"Shhh," I whispered. "She fell asleep about twenty minutes ago. Said she wasn't feeling so good and looked really tired. I told her I'd stay at least until you got home."
"Thanks, Jordan. You want to stay for dinner?"
"Sure, but I've got a gig in like two hours, so I can't stay long." Patty just nodded and headed back to the kitchen. "Mind if I stay up with Angela while you get stuff ready?"
"No, go ahead. We're just going to have pasta, it'll be ready soon."
I went back to her room and just sat with her, kinda staring off into nothing, trying to think. I'd been totally blindsided by this. I mean, I knew I loved her; I knew she loved me. I'd been thinking in terms of… years with her, possibly decades. But a baby… We weren't ready, not by a long shot. It was way too soon; we were like, way too young. As if that had ever mattered. We'd been careful, but not careful enough, I guess.
Still, I wasn't sure what Angela wanted and it was really more her decision than mine. It was her body being hijacked and all that. I couldn't help thinking that whatever was in there was also part of me. Would she want to keep it? Get rid of it? I didn't really like that option; anything I made with Angela was something I wanted to keep. I just hoped she'd feel the same way. If we kept it (Her? Him?) what would we do? How would our lives work? I wanted to keep performing my music but local bands without major label record deals didn't make much money. Angela had been accepted to Pitt for the fall semester and had a part time job in a book store. How would college, work, performing and a baby fit into our lives?
And then there was the M word. Both of us came from families that had split and it didn't matter that my mom had left when I was twelve because my dad beat on her or that Angela's dad had cheated on her mom less than two years ago. Both of us were still kinda fragile because of it and I think we were both like, kinda phobic about a commitment like that now. But we were having a baby. Babies needed commitment, stability and parents. (Holy shit, we were going to be parents.) Would she want to marry me? Did I want to marry her?
I knew there was part of me that didn't mind the idea so much. I think it was the same part that had realized I needed her.
Patty knocked on the door. "Jordan, Angela, dinner's ready."
"We'll be right down," I answered. "Ange, Babe, your mom's home. She made some dinner." She opened her eyes slowly. "You don't have to come down. You've been sleeping about forty-five minutes, though."
"Your gig," she groaned, sleep still in her voice. "How soon is it?"
"Like, in an a little over an hour. Don't worry; I'll make it on time. And I'd like you to stay home, Babe. You look exhausted and you need your rest." Angela snorted and rolled her eyes at me. How she did that and still looked so cute was beyond me. But I loved it.
"Jordan, I'm pregnant, not dying. A rock concert is not going to kill me." I rolled my eyes right back but helped her up off the bed. "Do you know what mom was making?"
"She said pasta." I held her hand as we walked downstairs and sat at the dining room table. Patty smiled at us.
"Hi, sweetie! Jordan said you weren't feeling well?"
"Just a bit tired, mom. I've been studying too hard, I think."
The rest of dinner was pretty quiet; Patty asked both of us about our day and we made a bit of small talk. It was pretty normal for me to have dinner with them when I wasn't working or at a gig. I rarely had Angela over at my house, though she and her mom have both met my dad. I never wanted to leave this place; my house was usually empty except for myself. As we ate dinner I kept thinking that I should call my mom tonight and tell her the news. I hadn't spoken to her in a few weeks and she was living in California now so it would still be fairly early when I called.
When we finished dinner, I tried to get Angela to go lay back down, telling her she looked exhausted but she brushed off my worries. "I'm fine, Jordan. I'm your good luck charm, anyway. You wouldn't want to perform without me." I could feel the smile on her lips as she kissed my cheek, but it wasn't enough to convince me.
"You are my good luck charm, Angela, more than you really know. But I'm worried about you getting sick, so I want you to stay home and rest tonight." I kissed her lightly on the lips. "Weren't you planning on calling Graff anyway?" She frowned and nodded. I pulled her closer and whispered in her ear in case Patty was listening. "I'm going to call Mom after the gig and let her know. And I'm probably going to tell Shane, too." I could feel her stiffen in my arms but she nodded. "I love you. Sleep well, tonight."
"Okay. I love you, too. Good night." She pressed her lips against mine and I felt the world spinning. I wanted to take her right there; the feel of her was intoxicating. I backed away from her and smiled.
"Love you." Her cheek was warm against my palm and I gazed into her green eyes for a moment before smiling and shouting a good bye to Patty.
The gig went well, though I didn't feel as energized as I did when Angela was there to watch. The crowd seemed pumped, all the same, and the rest of the band was excited too. There had been plenty of energy in the room and it seemed like our songs had been pretty well received. There was one new one in particular I'd been trying out tonight. I had hoped that Angela would be able to hear it tonight. Well, she may have missed this concert but I'd make sure she got to the next to hear it.
It was a good night, but I couldn't wait to see Angela in the morning. I was still worried about her and what she was thinking, but I couldn't call her tonight to find out; she didn't have a phone in her room. I didn't have one either, but I was usually home alone at night. Shane noticed the lack of my significant other and raised his eyebrows at me a few times, quietly asking me where she was. I was glad he waited until the other guys were gone to say actually anything to me. I drove him to his parents' house and followed him in for a beer. We stood in the garage and he handed me a bottle.
"I think we did pretty good tonight," I said. "Stage Manager said there were a few of his buddies asking for our number, wanting to book some new shows. Might even be a local festival this summer. He also said there were a few clubs down in Pittsburgh that we might be able to play at. I figure playing downtown would be a good deal. Did you notice if Paul stayed sober? I was too busy with the mike and shit to keep a close watch."
"Yeah, he kept it light with the booze. The D.U.I. scared the crap out him, I know, so he's not likely to fuck up again." Shane smirked. "I heard his girlfriend will revoke sex if he comes over drunk. Hell, if he drinks in front of her while he's still paying for the D.U.I., she'll walk."
"Good. Hopefully she means enough to him that he'll listen. He's a good bassist and I'd really hate for him to be in jail when we need him." I pulled the pack of cigarettes and my lighter out of my pocket and looked hard at them for a minute. No second hand smoke around Angela right now. Maybe it was time… They both went back into my pocket. "I was just thinking about quitting smoking."
"Huh. Well, I guess that's not a bad thing, you know?" He nodded, but he sounded suspicious. I knew he knew something was up.
"No…"
"So, like, where was your girl tonight, Catalano? I thought she said she'd be coming to this one." I'd known Shane since we were six or seven and there was very little about me that he didn't really understand. When I'd first started seeing Angela, he'd thought it was funny that I didn't want anyone to see her with me; he didn't know who it was that I'd been sneaking around with, but he knew it was more serious than I let on. He'd thought it was even funnier when I told him I didn't want to hide what I had with her anymore. When the drama over the lack of sex (which he found hilarious) and the issues with Graff had settled, it was clear I was staying with her so he'd introduced himself to her at one of our rehearsals. Angela had immediately recognized him as someone else who cared about me and they'd become fast friends.
"Jordan, dude." He snapped his fingers in front of my face as if I'd fallen asleep and laughed. "Where is she? You guys have another fight?" Angela and I didn't fight often, but when we did they were big. And I was generally pretty miserable until we made up. He tried not to, but Shane worried, especially about my relationship with Angela; she'd become a bit like a sister to him and was one of the few girls I'd been with that he didn't check out. She seemed to bring out the protective side of people.
"Nah, man, nothing like that; we're good." I shook my head and shrugged. "She's just home 'cause she's tired."
"But something's up. You've got the 'thinking hard' look on your face, the one you only use for Angela Angst. It's like all like, dark and tortured. Dude, I feel like your marriage counselor sometimes." He pushed me and grabbed his own beer. "So what's up?" I took a deep breath and looked at him hard for a minute.
Last year, Shane's girl, Beth, had gotten pregnant; both of them had agonized over what to do. There wasn't an easy solution for them but they'd decided to keep the baby and try to make it on their own; I'd been worried about both of them and had tried not to imagine myself in the same situation. Unfortunately, not even two weeks after they'd found out, Beth had miscarried. She'd left him soon after, saying it was too just much. He knew what I was going through.
"Angela's pregnant."
He looked at me blankly for a minute before letting out a long breath. "Wow."
"Yeah, that was the first thing I could say, too." We both laughed.
"So like, how are you guys doing? When did you find out?"
"We're… okay. We found out tonight. She took a test after school today. We're both scared but I think we're okay for now. We haven't had the chance to really talk about it or what we're going to do, but I think we'll be alright." We both stood there drinking our beers and staring at nothing.
"She's still seventeen," he said after a long silence.
"I know."
"Neither of you have graduated yet."
"I know."
"Her parents are going to flip out."
"Yes. They are. And so are mine."
"So, how are you holding up? Any thoughts of running or bailing on her?" He eyed me over his beer.
"No," I snorted, annoyed he'd felt the need to ask the question. But I understood completely at the same time. "It's weird. On the one hand I'm scared shitless. I've never been this scared before, not even when I was a kid and my old man came after me with a hockey stick." Both of us remembered that day, unfortunately. "But on the other hand it's like… I'm excited. I know the timing is terrible, but… I can't help being a bit happy about it."
"I know what you mean, man. When Beth…" He always seemed to get a bit choked up about Beth, even though she'd left six months ago. I put my hand on his shoulder and shook him a bit.
"It's okay, man. I know it's hard to talk about." I pulled away and took a swig of my beer. "Of course, now I sorta have an idea of what you're going through."
"Jordan, man," he said, his voice a bit harsh. "I hope you never really do. Angela is so fucking good for you and I don't want you to lose her or the baby. She loves you and I hope you treat her right."
"I do the best I can," I replied. "She's really… important to me. Man, sometimes I feel so stupid next to her! She deserves a hell of a lot better than me; she's so fucking smart. But unless she tells me to leave, I'm sticking to her like glue. And she won't get rid of me without one hell of a fight."
"I know, considering the fight you put up to get her back the time you did let her go. It was really strange to see you like that, you know? To know that for some odd reason this tiny, little, fifteen year old girl had some sort of power over you." He laughed at what I'm sure was an image of Angela from two years ago. "She was like, so small and skinny and like innocent looking. She's still skinny and innocent looking."
"Yeah, but the innocence is part of her charm, you know, part of who she is. Just like being obsessive and weird is one of her more endearing personality traits." I couldn't help my grin.
"Yeah, and she'd love to hear you say that. Do you know, like, how far along she might be?" he asked. I frowned, not quite sure. It really annoyed me that I didn't know more about this! I'd have to start looking stuff up soon so I knew what was going on.
"She said she missed two periods in a row and that missing one wasn't really like, something to worry about; it was kinda like, normal. But two in a row meant something was up." I ran my hand through my hair. "Fuck, I wish I could remember more about this shit! I feel like a total dumb ass not knowing more."
"It's ok, man. You're not going to be tested or anything!" Taking a swig of his beer cut him off. "So she's like, at two months?" I could see him starting to worry about me and Angela from the frown on his face as he looked back over at me. "Dude, you're going to be a dad by Thanksgiving."
I fell back against the garage wall and closed my eyes. "Holy fucking shit."
I headed home from Shane's after I'd finished my beer. We'd talked a little bit more about the band and about Angela. He understood where my head was right now and I was really glad I'd told him what was going on. It made it easier to think about and more real. Now I just had to figure out how to tell my mother. Should I call her tonight or should I wait for Thursday when Angela would be able to talk to her too?
Everything was locked and dark at the house. Dad was working the graveyard shift again lately, not that either of us minded. The less we had to see each other, the better. He'd thought I'd be moving out as soon as I turned eighteen. Hell, he'd planned to kick me out on my birthday. But I told him he'd have to wait until I was out of high school to really get rid of me. He hadn't liked that too much and we'd fought over it. I'd won.
I knew I'd eventually have to tell my old man about the baby, but I was glad to avoid it for now. Angela would definitely not be present for that conversation; she'd met him once and I felt that was all that was necessary. He was going to be at our graduation, but I wasn't as worried knowing we'd be in a crowd or with her parents. As unpredictable as he was, I was pretty sure he'd never do anything to Angela. But old habits die hard.
After I'd parked in the garage, I went in through the kitchen door, turning on a light. The house was pretty well kept up, but not much to look at. The paint was faded and a bit chipped and the windows were original. The kitchen hadn't been updated since the early seventies but it was functional. Well, it was functional for two men sharing living space. Angela's kitchen was warm and friendly, you could feel welcome there, even if you'd never expected to. This was just a fridge, a stove and a sink; some counter space with some cabinets, a microwave and a table and chair set.
I stared at the phone for a few moments wondering if I should call my mother; it was a lot later than I'd been expecting when I'd planned the call. The clock on the microwave read one forty-eight AM which meant it was nearly eleven in California; far too late for me to be calling.
Still, I felt like I needed to talk to her. I picked up the receiver and sat at the table, dialing her number. She picked up on the third ring.
"Hello?" Her voice was a bit sleepy.
"Debbie? Did I wake you?"
"Jordan! Hey! Yeah, you did, but it's still early. Kinda." I heard some mumbling in the background and she whispered back to it. "It's Jordan. I'll go to the den to talk to him, Love. So, my baby boy, to what do I owe the honor of a two AM call? Did you have a gig tonight? Oh! Did you get signed?"
I laughed; I didn't think any of my band mates had moms who were as supportive of them as Debbie was of me. But she hadn't always been there, either. When she'd left, no one had known where she'd gone and it was nearly three years before I heard from her. And if Joan hadn't been born, I might not have heard from her ever again.
It had turned out that when she left my old man, she'd run to a shelter for battered women in California. She'd started working there after a while and had met a guy there, Pete I think his name was, while he was volunteering. They'd gotten married after about a year and she'd had Joan not long after that. I was fifteen when she'd tried to contact me again and for a while, I had refused to talk to her when she'd call. But after a while, her calls had worn me down. And to be honest, I'd missed her. I'd seen her just three or four times in the past five years but she called at least once a month.
"No, Ma, we didn't get signed."
"Well, it's only a matter of time. Hey, maybe after you graduate you and your band can move out here! You'd have a much better chance out here. There are so many record execs in LA and San Francisco. And I hear the scene is really great here."
"Yeah, um, that's not such a good idea right now. I mean Angela's supposed to be starting at Pitt in the fall and-"
"She can come with you! There are sure to be just as many colleges out here that would accept her, especially if she's as smart as you've been bragging she is. Oh! I can't wait to meet her at your graduation!" She went on about how excited she was to meet Angela and about how excited for me she was that I'd found someone like her. And really, I couldn't blame her. Angela was everything to me.
"Mom," I said, trying to interrupt her. "Mom, I've got… I've got something to tell you." She stopped and I sighed.
"Jordan, what's wrong?" Her voice had taken on a note of panic. Damn it, why was I scaring her like this. But I couldn't bring myself to spit it out. "Did you and Angela have a fight? Is everything ok?"
"Why is everyone assuming we fought?" I spat, nearly growling at her. "Shane asked that too."
"Because you sound upset and scared and the only thing that scares you lately is losing that girl. And I can't blame you. I can tell how important she is to you." We were both quiet for a moment.
"Angela is- You see we kinda-" I took a deep breath and let it out again, trying to stay calm. It was harder than I'd thought it would be. But this would be nothing like the experience of telling Patty and Graham. This was a piece of cake compared to that nightmare to come. "Debbie? You're going to be a grandmother."
"Oh." For a moment all I could hear was her breathing.
"Mom?" I knew she was disappointed in me. She'd drilled so hard into my head to be careful, to be very, very careful. She didn't want me making mistakes like hers; mistakes like having a baby at nineteen.
"Not planned, I'm assuming?" Her voice was strained.
"Not at all."
"Oh. Well." She was silent for another few moments. "Well. That's certainly… news."
"We're both scared to death."
"And you should be," she snapped, real anger in her voice. "You're both so young! How old is Angela now? Eighteen?"
"Seventeen."
"Oh, God!" I could hear she was nearly in tears. "She's still a child! You're still a child! But seventeen? Jordan, what were you thinking?"
"That I love her. That I'll stick by her no matter what. That she means the world to me," I whispered. "But I wasn't thinking that this would happen."
"No. But it did."
"I was thinking we might want to wait until she turns eighteen to tell her parents."
"You haven't told her parents yet?"
"We just found out tonight! The only person I've talked to about this, other than you and Angela, is Shane. Shane kinda knows where my head is at in this."
"Oh and Shane knows all about the trials of teenage parenthood?" she nearly shrieked. "Tell me, did he congratulate you? Or did he just say 'bummer, dude.'"
"Last summer his girlfriend told him she was pregnant. But two weeks later she lost the baby. Then she left him. He's not really all that over it. So yeah, he kinda knows the score." I nearly growled the last part at her. "And he worries about Angela like she's his little sister so he's also kinda pissed at me, too, but he hasn't really said anything. He did warn me not to bail on her, though. Like he really needed to.
"Angela's terrified," I whispered, rambling. "She cried herself to sleep after she told me. I don't know what to do for her. I love her. I love her more than anything and I'll do whatever she needs. Whatever she needs; but I don't know what that is. And I don't have the first clue what it might be. We acted like everything was normal in front of her mom, but I know she's falling apart. I told her that we'll get through this together and that I love her. And that helped her, for now. She was still mostly calm when I left. But all I can think is 'holy shit'."
"Jordan? Are you okay, honey?"
"No!" I screamed at her. "No! I'm not okay! I'm scared fucking shitless! I've never been so frightened. Not when dad beat on me. Not when you left. And there was no way I could break down in front of Angela. No way at all. God, Mom, you should have seen her; shaking, crying, so scared that I'll be mad at her." I laughed, but it was the kind of laugh where nothing's really funny. "Like she, who reminded me every single time we did anything even remotely sexual to wear a fucking condom, had gotten pregnant on purpose; like she'd somehow gotten knocked up all on her own." Her fear had hurt me, and it was all I could do not to start screaming right then. I was on the verge of tears and I knew it. I punched the wall a few times and it helped a bit but there was still so much.
"It's okay," she whispered. "Say what you need to say, Jordan. She's not here to hear it. You can't hurt her with it right now."
"We're not ready for this, Mom. I mean, yeah, I've been thinking of this relationship with her as a permanent thing, as in a something for a lifetime. I'm not letting her go. But-" I was trying not to hyperventilate. "A baby? A real flesh and blood little person? There's a part of me that's like, excited, yeah. But the smart side is scared as fuck. We can't do this! We can't! I work at a fucking garage! I barely graduated high school. And for fuck's sake she's still just seventeen! Patty and Graham could have me arrested, if they don't just kill me. She's underage and I fucked her. Hell, I've been fucking her since she was barely sixteen. I tried to fuck her when she was still fifteen! Over a year and a half of statutory rape. They'll have me arrested, I'll go to jail and I'll never get to-" I felt tears threaten again and punched the wall instead. The painted paneling was hard but there were dents from my knuckles and blood smeared by the phone. I'd have to have Angela bandage me up in the morning.
"You'll never get to what, Jordan?" My mother's voice was soft.
"I'll never get to see our baby." I heard my voice crack, but right then, I didn't really care. Yeah, I was scared. And I had no idea what we were going to do. But Angela and I had- god, we'd created a life together. And as scary as that was, as insane as that was, I wanted to see that.
"Well, that seems to have said it all," she said, tears in her voice. "I'll do whatever I can to help you and Angela, Jordan. If there is anything I can do, tell me and I'll see it done."
"Thank you."
"That's what mothers, and apparently grandmothers, are for." She laughed then and I could tell it was one of those "not really funny" laughs. "Damn it, Jordan, you're making me a grandmother at thirty-nine! I'm way too young for this. And Joan's only six! She'll be more like a cousin than an aunt. You haven't told you father yet, have you?"
"If I had, he would have kicked me out."
"Jordan, I know Giovanni's not quite that bad. He's an abusive asshole and a terrible human being, but he's still your father. He's not going to-"
"Yeah, he is. It's been eight years, Debbie." I couldn't call her Mom when I talked about the old man. I just had to distance it all somehow. "He's just gotten worse since you left. I'm surprised he hasn't gotten fired; I know he goes to work drunk. But the electricity's still on and we haven't been evicted, so I know he's still paying the bills."
"Has he…" She couldn't finish, but I knew what she was asking.
"Yeah. Not often, 'cause he's scared of me now; I'm stronger than him now. But yeah, he's gotten in a few hits. Scares the hell out of Angela when she sees the bruises, so I don't often tell her where they come from."
"Does she know?"
"Yeah. Not that I want her to. She's met Giovanni once and she'll see him at the graduation, I think. But I uh- I don't want him around her." I punched the wall one more time. "I don't want her to see that."
"I wish you'd come out here," she whispered. "You and Angela; I'd love to have you both here with me. I wish I'd been able to protect you, too, honey. You have no idea how much I wish I'd been able to."
"Angela's going to need her mom." And I'd gotten used to not having mine around. I'd never tell her that, but it was true.
"I'm so sorry."
"I know." But it wasn't quite enough.
A/N: I edited. Not heavily, but I fixed a few things that had been bugging me. I have a Beta now. luvjordan has been freaking AMAZING. She didn't edit this for me, but we talked about my plans. Or rather, I explained to her and she agreed. Chapter 2 doesn't need the same amount of tweaking, I don't think. I'll have that done by the time chapter 4, which is actually related to 2, is up. 3 should be up later tonight.
Thank you all for your wonderful reviews. They give me a warm fuzzy feeling.