"At the expense of the death of a bachelor." My hands are already in my hair. This can't be happening. Not again. How can he stomach this, because I sure as hell can't. I feel like I'm ripping out my hair at this point. I just spent the last three minutes listening to his voice sing the words I hoped I would never hear. Not again, at least. This is too much, I feel like I could scream. So I do. I let go of my hair, stand up, and let out a guttural scream. Six years. Six FUCKING years of this. I feel a mixture of seething anger and heartbreak running through my veins, and even coming out in my scream. I kick the chair over like a child, and slam my laptop shut. I can't think. I can't breathe. My voice keeps cracking, and I suddenly feel tears leaving my eyes. I'm crying. I didn't mean to cry. But now my angry screams have turned into loud sobs. My hands are covering my face, trying to muffle the crying, but it's not doing a great job. The sounds I can register as my own voice are nothing short of pitiful. But I can't control myself. It's just happening, it's all too much.
I then hear the door bust open. My head jerks up and my voice immediately cuts off. I forgot I wasn't alone.
"Ryan, what the fuck, are you okay?!" Dan runs into the room, and takes ahold of my shoulders. He looks concerned. I wish he didn't.
"Did you not listen? Am I the only one that listens still?" My voice cracks at nearly every word. I struggle not to cringe. It's so obvious how hurt I am. I don't even need to look at my face to tell, but I can. Everyone always tells me not to tune into the premiers. I always do. They say he's gone, that he's old news and that I should make myself some new news. They act like I haven't tried. Like I haven't spent the past six years trying to find another best friend. It's not easy.
"Ryan, oh jesus is that what this is about? It's been six years. I know you and him were close but what happened during that premier?" He doesn't sound mad. I don't know why I was expecting hostility. Maybe I was expecting annoyance in his voice. But no, he sounds worried. To death, even.
"The words, man, the fucking lyrics. They're the ones we used to say to each other all the time. It has to be about me. I don't need a text to know that. But hell, a text wouldn't hurt." I'm hugging myself, trying to hide from what I can. As if compacting myself would somehow make me disappear. I'm starting to shake, and my voice is getting quieter. I feel almost panicked. But I know it's not panic. It's just the heartbreak setting in.
"Have you ever thought that, maybe those words are about someone else? If that were the case then you could do the same thing with your lyrics, attach new meanings to them. I know it's easier said than- Ryan?" I'm shaking. My eyes are wide and I've never been more aware of my heartbeat. What if those words we told each other for years mean different things to him now? What if they're about her now? What if he..?
"NO. Fuck, dude no theres no way. There's no way he.." Forgot. I'm scared. I now recognize the panic and feel it creeping on my skin. My breathing becomes sporadic and dry. I feel myself trying to become smaller. I feel the walls imitating me. What if he forgot about me? What if he attached our whispered words to her? What if I'm just a bad memory to him? Even worse, what if those words are empty to him?
"Ryan? Hey, hey, calm down it's okay- shit." He's concerned again. I know he's trying to help. But I can't think about that, all I can think about is the fact that I'm the past. And he's found a lifetime of laughter. Without me.
The world starts to warp, and walls start to melt. I do nothing to control my breathing or thoughts, I want the world to eat me alive. In this moment I feel nothing, and everything at the same time. Seconds before my mind goes blank, I think "Let this be a bad dream. Let me wake up next to him. Please."
I don't.