Hate Is Safer Than Love
Summary: Set After 2x12: When Claire decides that hiding her true feelings for Charlie would be safer than telling him how she really feels. Charlie goes off the deep end, and needs someone to to save him. Will Claire be that someone?
Hate Is Safer Than Love
Claire sat in her small hut, cradling Aaron softly in her arms. Her heart was aching, and she was hoping that Aaron would fill that ache. She knew that she had been a bit harsh with Charlie the day before. She knew she made a mistake after she had said it, but the look on Charlie's face, well the look she saw before he took off into the jungle. That look devastated her, and made her ache worse. She knew she had hurt him, she also knew what he probably did when he went into the jungle. That made everything more complicated. She had known for a while that she had fallen for the scruffy, rough-around-the-edges, Charlie Pace, but telling him that meant that she had to admit her feelings out loud. That had proved in the past, to have been her downfall. Every time she had fallen for a guy, and had admitted it, one way or another they always found a way, a reason to leave her. She couldn't take that anymore, especially having the close friendship that she had with Charlie. So instead she decided that hating him, or at least making herself think she hated him, was easier, safer somehow then telling him that she had fallen in love with him.
Claire stiffened when she heard someone screaming about someone unconscious in the jungle. She suddenly remembered that she hadn't seen Charlie come back yesterday. Her hand flew to her mouth. She knew it was him, she could feel it. Her head sunk low as she realized that he had done something stupid because of her, because of her words. She sobbed quietly, as her mind went back just a day earlier.
Beginning of Flashback
"Charlie?" her voice held anger, as her eyes showed the anger that her voice held back.
He was holding her son. She had asked him to stay away, pretty much begged him the next day. He just couldn't leave well enough alone, he couldn't leave her alone. She pulled in a deep breath, trying to calm herself enough so that she wouldn't lash out at him in anger. That was not something she needed to do. They were two adults, and their problem needed to be handled maturely.
"Claire," he said, his mouth a gape, he hadn't expected her so soon.
He just needed to see Aaron, to hold him. It had been nearly a week since she had kicked him out. He had been kicking himself a lot lately. He hadn't lied to her, he hadn't been fixing this entire time. He wasn't sure why he took the statue, but it definitely wasn't for the drugs that it held so safely inside. He wouldn't have done something so stupid, not when he had promised Claire he'd be there for her. That he'd protect her. It would be a little hard to protect someone when your high off your ass.
"What are you doing in here?" she asked, really enunciating the you part.
"I just wanted to see him.." Charlie paused for a moment, as he placed Aaron back into his small handmade crib. "I wanted to see you."
Claire sighed loudly, and shook her head. Why was it whenever she was so furious with him, he had to go and make her feel all tingly all over. She loved it when he acted shy, acted like she didn't know his true feelings. When in all reality he wore them on his sleeve, a brightly colored sleeve that would be impossible to miss.
"I asked you for some time Charlie. I would appericate it if you'd listen to me, just once," Claire said, the anger in her voice started to fade.
"I'm not sure if I can do that Claire. I...I miss you, I miss Aaron," Charlie explained as he looked her in the eye.
Her breath caught at the sight of the intensity in his blue eyes held. She felt the shiver run the full length of her spine. She shook her head, trying to shake the feelings that over took her body.
"No! You don't have the right to miss us Charlie. You lost that right when you took that statue. You knew full and well what was in it, and how am I supposed to know that you had no intention of using it? I don't, and that alone is plenty of reason to be angry with you. You couldn't leave it at that could you? You couldn't have just screwed up once could you? No! You had to take Aaron, not once but twice. God Charlie! You make it so hard to not be angry at you, and now you think you have the right to come into my shelter, hold my child, and tell me that you miss me," Claire paused, surprised by her sudden outburst of anger, but decided to go with it. Anything was better than telling him that she wasn't angry, that in fact she missed him too, that she wanted him back. That she loved him.
"I want you to leave now. I want you to go back to your shelter, and I want you to leave us alone! I don't like you anymore Charlie...in fact, I hate you. You've hurt me one to many times, and there is no place for you here anymore. Just go!" she finished her tirade, and saw that look. It felt like someone had punched her in the gut, and knocked every bit of wind out of her. That look alone was enough to make the strongest person to break down to tears. That was the look of a man that was giving up, giving in. It was the look of a man that had everything in his life go horribly wrong, but at the same time was the reason why everything went to hell. That was the look of a man disgusted with himself. The look of a man who hated himself.
Charlie carefully swiped at a tear that threatened to fall from his eye, before leaving quickly, and heading out toward the jungle.
Claire sunk down on her make-shift bed, and felt as the tears slowly cascaded down her cheeks. What had she done?
End of Flashback
Claire slowly stepped out of her small shelter, and looked toward where the earlier voices had came from. Out of the corner of her eye she watched as Jack ran toward his shelter, a lifeless body in his arms. She gasped loudly as her feelings, her thoughts became a nightmare all to real. Charlie's lifeless body lay in Jack's arms. Her hand flew to her mouth, she suddenly felt sick. She sunk down to her knees, as a wave of nauseous swept over her, and she emptied the small amount of contents in her stomach. She coughed and heaved a bit more, before sitting down completely, trying to calm her stomach. She jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"It's just me," Kate said from behind her.
"How long have you been there?" Claire asked, slightly embarrassed.
"Long enough. I guess this means you know that we found Charlie?" Kate asked.
"Is he...dead?" Claire asked, not sure if she could take it if he was.
"No," Kate paused and let her take that in before she continued. "But he isn't in good shape. Jack found one of those heroin baggies beside his body. It was completely empty Claire. He overdosed."
"Oh god!" Claire cried out, before the tears slowly trickled their way down her reddened face.
Kate hugged her tightly, as she sobbed quietly into her shoulder.
Someone To Save You
Two Days Later
Claire had taken up camp in the make-shift medical tent that Jack had set up. Charlie lay unconscious in the small make-shift bed. His face was very pale, lacking most color. His hands were clammy and cold. Jack had assured her that since he was still alive, that he would pull through. He also informed her that he would also have to detox from the drugs again. That he would need someone to look after him. To keep him straight. She had volunteered without a second thought. She was the reason he had done this. She was the reason he had taken the drugs to begin with so she would be the one to help him through the painful withdrawal that he would have to go through for a second time.
She sat on the seat that Jack had set up, one from the airplane that had been tossed out of one of the shelter's. It lacked comfort, and it was hell on her neck when she attempted to sleep, even if just for a minute. Her head was lent backwards, when Jack had saw her earlier he merely shook his head. It looked incredibly uncomfortable, but he didn't wake her considering she hadn't slept more than an hour in the past two days. Her hand clamped on Charlie's, ready to jump up at the first sight of movement. He had tried to explain to her that it could be a while yet before he woke up. Not having the kind of equipment, or medicine he needed to pump Charlie's stomach, they would have to wait for the drugs to pass through his system. Jack had seen it on a rare occasion take as long as a week for drugs to pass through one's system. Claire just shook her head, and said if need be she'd stay awake for a full week. She hadn't really told anyone that it was her fault, or what she had said to him. She didn't want the stares that she knew would come with what she had done. Even though she knew she deserved them.
She shifted slightly, before wincing and waking up. Her hand moved to her neck, and tried to rub out the knot that had formed from her sleeping position.
"Delivery," Kate said from the entrance, sighing at the fact that Charlie still had woken up.
Claire managed a small tortured smile, as she continued rubbing at her neck.
"That looks like fun," Kate said, pointing at her fingers rubbing the tender spot on her neck.
"Bundles, but then again I deserve it. God! I deserve much worse than a sore neck," Claire sighed loudly.
"What do you mean deserve more?" Kate asked, slightly confused.
"This," Claire paused, jesuring at Charlie's lifeless pale body. "Is my fault."
"That...is going to need to be explained," Kate said, as she sat down where she had been standing, waiting for Claire to continue.
"I did this to him. I drove him to this. I hurt him so badly, that he felt that dying was the best option. God Kate! I made him hate himself," Claire said, tears present in her eyes, but they didn't fall.
"How did you mange all of that?" Kate asked, more in a non-believing tone then an accusatory tone.
"I told him I didn't want him around anymore, that I hated him. That he hurt me so much that anything that might have been there disappear. God, I'm a horrible person," Claire said, hating herself at the moment.
"While that probably wasn't the best way to handle the situation, I don't think it was all your fault. Claire, if he did this, then he probably was already thinking about it," Kate explained.
"I don't think so," she shook her head, pushing away the food that Kate had brought her.
"Well, I can't change what you think, but if you don't start eating, I'm gonna have to tell Jack." Kate explained.
Claire begrudgingly took a small bite from the plate of food, and offered a self-deprecating smile for Kate. Kate simply shook her head, before standing up. She could tell that Claire was in no mood to talk, or well eat for that matter, so she left without so much of a word.
"Thank god," Claire sighed, just wanting to be alone with her misery.
"Eat," Claire heard a weak voice say beside her.
Her eyes glistened with tears as she turned toward Charlie.
"I'm not hungry," Claire spoke softly.
"Eat," he said again, his voice slightly weaker and rougher.
All she could do was stare at him, slowly taking in the fact that he was alive. Her hand slowly moved toward the small bottle of water that Kate had brought her. She lifted the bottle to his lips and carefully let some of the cold wet liquid slide down his throat, burning it slightly from the dryness of his throat.
He swallowed the cold liquid, before holding his hand up signaling that he was fine.
"Please eat Claire," he begged, his blue eyes were slightly paler than she remembered but held the same ability. She gave in quickly and took another bite, as she slowly started to get her appetite back.
"Why?" Claire asked in between taking bites of food. Her eyes watered slowly, waiting for him to say it was her fault.
Charlie slowly sat up, and shook his head a little bit. This was not something he was ready to talk about, but he couldn't deny her anything.
"I'm a weak man Claire. I'm not like Jack, or even Sawyer for that matter. I give in easily, and when I saw that you really wanted nothing to do with me, I just. I didn't see what the point was anymore. When I told you that I wasn't using, I wasn't lying. I wouldn't have put you through that, and while I don't know why I took the statue. I do know that I had no intention of using. You and Aaron, you were the ones that helped me stay clean. I did it for you, because god knows that if it wasn't for the two of you, when I found that statue taking a hit would have been the first thing I did, but I did have you two. That and the fact that I had fallen for you was all I needed to feel like everything might just be alright. When I lost that feeling, I just...I needed something to give me that feeling back. At first I was just gonna take a hit, but your words, they kept replaying in my head. For the first time I saw everything I had did to you, to hurt you. Whether I meant to or not, and I knew I didn't have a shot in hell. So I just, I emptied the contents of the baggie into my hand, and the next thing I know I'm laying here," Charlie let his head hang, not proud of his actions.
"Charlie, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault," Claire said softly before flinging her arms around his neck, just happy he was alive.
"How? For telling me the bloody truth?" Charlie asked.
"No, Charlie, for making you feel like that. God Charlie, no one should ever feel so unwanted that they try and kill their selves," Claire said, tears flowing steadily down her face.
Charlie placed an arm around her shoulders, as she laid her head on his shoulder, her hot wet tears soaking through his shirt. Charlie whispered calmly to her, trying to get her to calm down a little bit. His eyes looking straight at Jack, who shook his head at him, before leaving. Charlie wasn't sure if it was because of him overdosing, or because Claire, who only a day earlier was screaming for him to stay away, was now crying into his shoulder, griping his shirt in one fist.
"Charlie," Claire managed once she started to calm down.
"Yeah?" He asked.
"I need you to know, that when I said I hated you, I didn't mean it. It's just...Hate is safer than love," Claire sighed.
Charlie's eyes glistened a little at her words. He knew this was her way of telling him how she really felt.
"I know," he said simply, as he hugged her tighter to his body.
"Kate said that you'd need someone to help you through this. I want to be that someone.." she paused and raised up slightly so she could look at him. "If you'll let me."
"Of course," he said, a small smile crossing his face.
"Charlie...I wanna be the one to save you," she said, as she laid her head back against his shoulder.
"Only if I can be the one to save you too," He smiled happily.