Quinn's POV

Quinn had the perfect life, a family that loved her (at least her mother did unconditionally, her father not so much), her boyfriend who thought the world of her and friends that envied her. So why did she feel like this, like there was really nothing for her anymore? Why did her thought keep going back to thought of suicide so much? It's not that she really wanted to die so much as not end up a Lima loser like everyone expected her to. Her boyfriend Finn was a good guy with all the right intentions. He would make an excellent father with plans of taking over Bert's garage when the time came, but that was Finn's plan, he was content with that life, she wasn't.

Quinn was always aware of her days before her HBIC status. Most days she envied the kids that were the unlucky targets of torment at the school. More often than not the envy fell to the kids that so easily faded to the background, such as Mercedes, Tina, even Rachel. It was always Rachel that stood out, but if she wanted to, could just as effortlessly hide in the shadows. The HBIC bet Rachel never felt like this, have everything you've been told would make you happy, only to be truly unhappy in every aspect. This is insane Quinn told herself as she walked down the halls with the mask of smiles she'd become so used to wearing. It was something that she'd perfected over the time that this new state of thought had taken hold. No one had even noticed the change in Quinn, and although it wasn't a big change, still hurt that at least someone must have seen it. Quinn stood out but only as HBIC, otherwise she faded into the background and was easily replaceable. Once Quinn was gone it'd be easy enough for Santana to take over. Hell the only reason she wasn't HBIC was cause of her involvement with Brittney. HBIC meant being able to date the QB and Santana definitely could not convincingly pull that off once it was public knowledge of their relationship. They were adorable together, resembling two halves of the perfect person. Although Santana and Brittney should have easily been the "it" couples they still were made well aware of where they lived. The slushy baths that had been previously not a part of their lives, had been waiting for them the day after their coming out. Now along with Kurt, the two girls were slushied almost daily, even though they still retained their cheerios status. This more than anything only confirmed to Quinn that she needed to remain in the set path of life in order to remain unscarred. However that just didn't seem like something that she could do anymore.

The whole good girl crap wore more on her than she let on. She envied Santana and Brittney's ability to damn society's view of them being so free with their love for each other. Quinn knew what she was missing in her life, but she couldn't shake that feeling that it'd be easier to just end it all instead of being her true self. She just didn't know how people managed to be so frigging happy all the time, like Brittney or Rachel managed to be. The HBIC was jealous of Rachel beyond most anyone else. She knew a level of happiness that the HBIC would never be able to accomplish in her lifetime, and she did it on her own. That self sufficiency just wasn't what she was raised to do. She'd been raised right, but it had more to do with no one bothered to show her life beyond what they expected her to do, and it was exactly that which she wanted to experience. Quinn knew it would mean death, either social or her own physical life. Above all she didn't want to hurt her, Rachel Berry, this was the only way to do that, for the HBIC to physically die.

Quinn knew that despite how she had come to terms with her love for Rachel Berry, the thought of putting her through the further potential torture at school just wasn't worth it. There was no telling if Rachel even felt the same and if she didn't, Quinn knew her life would be changed to a degree of no return. More than anything in the world Quinn didn't want to take any of the happiness in Rachel's life away. More so, if Rachel felt the same way about her, Quinn knew she'd only hurt the diva in the end. No one had bothered to let Quinn in on the secret of how to truly love someone, to be a good partner in a relationship. She could love, that wasn't the issue, but to truly show the emotion, to not have it come across as a farce, was something that eluded the HBIC. Quinn knew how to fake happiness that normally came along with a relationship; even how to cover up a bruise or two so no one would know the family truth. Not one person bothered to catch that either even though everyone in town knew her father and his views of the world. The last thing anyone wanted was to get on the wrong side of Russell Fabray and yet that's where Quinn found herself most days. Her mom had been beaten into submission a long time ago and thus never came to the aid of Quinn when she cried out in pain from the new almost daily beating. But she didn't want to dwell on that, just get through the day and then start to work on how to end it all, to save the ones she loved.

Quinn had been happy before, she rarely could remember those days now, but she knew they existed. She remembered trips as a family to all sorts of places, Italy, Spain, England, and Ireland. Ireland had been her favorite with the farmland that had stone fences and the lively pubs that each town had. That particular trip had been sponsored by her father's company as he had to win over new investors and the appearance of a happy family only helped his case. So for a month Quinn and her mother were left to whatever they wanted to do for the hours Russell worked. This was the best part of the trips, having the ability to just be free, something that definitely didn't happen in the states. She'd miss her mom when she was gone and the guilt of leaving her with Russell almost made her wish there was another way. Judy would never understand what Quinn was, much like Russell wouldn't. It was just easier for everyone this way. Even if Rachel felt the same way about her, the disownment from Quinn's family would make life unbearable.

A/N: I do not own Glee or any of the characters. This show rocks, unless they kill off Quinn on the episode tonight... :)