PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT! YAAAY!
Yazoo's lower lip quivered. Kadaj's eye started twitching. Loz was flat-out bawling. They were all on a stage, surrounded by SOLDIERs. Stringy, Kel, and Emi were standing at podiums, pretending their auctioneer's gavels were guns and fake-shooting each other. In front of the stage, a very large crowd of fan-girls and Mary-Sues were screaming and waving money in the air. Cloud and Sephiroth stood on either side of the stage. Cloud nodded to Sephiroth, and he pressed a button. Silence fell over the auditorium, except for a loud and sudden "BOOSH!" from Kel.
"BOOSH!" Kel shouted, pointing her gavel at Emi.
"Kel," Stringy said thoughtfully, "since when do guns say boosh?"
"Since now!" Kel said, eating a marshmallow peep. Cloud's eyes widened and he started doing the puppy face. Kel threw him a peep, and he grinned and downed it in about a second.
"Can we get down to business, people?" Emi said, rolling her eyes.
"BAKING CARROT BISCUITS!" Stringy and Kel sang in unison. Yazoo had a sudden urge to join Loz in his hysterical crying.
Emi sighed and began talking. "Okay, so… crap, where's my script?" No one answered, and she glared at Squall. He quivered a bit before searching everyone who may have stolen it. He found it in Yuffie's pocket, and after a small fight, he got it back and gave it to Emi.
"Thank you," she said, straightening out the scrap of grocery bag that her script was written on. "Attention, fan-girls, Mary-Sues, and innocent bystanders who will probably need therapy after this day." She paused as half the audience ran out, screaming hysterically. "Today, you will be taking part in an auction called…" she paused for dramatic effect, "ADOPT A REMNANT! That's right, you could own your very own remnant! Make them do your chores or homework, use them as bodyguards, make them dress in drag and cook you a turkey dinner, lock them in your closet, bring them to school for show and tell, cut and style their hair-"
At that point, Yazoo and Kadaj snapped. Yazoo started crying, and Kadaj practically had a seizure. Finally, he shouted to Sephiroth, "Sephiroth, HELP US!"
Sephiroth laughed derisively and said, "Psh, I ain't going anywhere near those three when they've had that much sugar.
"Cloud," Kadaj implored, turning to the blonde. "Big Brother, please, have mercy. Save us!" Sadly, he was bribed out of helping them by Kel, who threw him another peep.
"Oh, save it," Emi said. "First item, Loz. Starting bid, 2000 Gil."
A couple people started shouting out random numbers, and Emi looked at them strangely. "Stringy," she said, "What are they doing?"
Yuffie came and pushed Emi out of the way and started talking really fast. Suddenly, she shouted, "GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE, SOLD to Karyanaki, the Mary-Sue of Midgar!"
Loz let out an anguished sob as Cloud and Sephiroth dragged him away.
"OOH!" Kel shouted. "I WANNA AUCTION OFF YAZOO!" She pushed Yuffie out of the way and started talking a mile a minute. No one could understand a word she said except maybe Stringy, Emi, Vincent, and Yuffie, which was just as well, since she wasn't actually auctioning off anything. Rather, she was telling them all her infamous Zimbabwe Alien story. Finally, Vincent hit her over the head with a gavel, and she screamed, "OW! BAD VAMPIRE! NO BLOOD FOR YOU!"
Vincent twitched. "Get on with it, or I will hand you over to Hojo for experimentation."
"Just like you did to Lucrecia?" Stringy piped up.
Vincent grimaced. "Yes."
"O-okay…" Kel said. She pointed at a random girl in the audience and said, "How much money you got?" The girl tossed her a sack of gil, and Sephiroth and Cloud shuttled Yazoo off to meet his fate.
Kadaj had another seizure and cried, "NO! I will not stand for this! Stringy, Kel, Emi, don't do this! I don't care what the price is; don't sell me off to these rabid animals! I-I'll do your homework for a year, I'll buy you sugar by the pounds! But please, DON'T LEAVE ME AT THE MERCY OF THESE PEOPLE!"
Stringy turned to them and said, "Make it tons and you've got a bargain! OKAY, EVERYONE! GIVE LOZ AND YAZOO BACK!" The two girls who bought them held on to them tightly, and Cloud and Sephiroth approached them in attempts to get the two remnants back. The girls refused, and one of them said, "Not unless I get to keep your trench coat." Sephiroth sighed and took off his trench coat, and she squeed happily and ran off. The other one was a bit more protective, and in the end, Cloud ended up having to give her a ride on his motorcycle while Sephiroth sneaked Yazoo away.
When the remnants were finally reunited, they hugged each other and did a happy dance. Everyone looked at them strangely, and they sat down, embarrassed.
"Okay, now what?" Kadaj said, looking up at Stringy, Kel, and Emi.
"Loz comes with me," Emi said, picking him up by the arm and shoving a history book in his arms. "I need this report in my Monday."
"Don't cry, Loz," Yazoo said, smirking.
He paled suddenly, though, as Stringy and Kel said in unison, "I CALL YAZOO!" They turned and glared at each other, and Western music started playing in the background.
Yazoo gulped audibly, and Kadaj said, "You're in for it now."
Yazoo gulped again and said, "So are you. Whichever one doesn't get me will claim you."
Kadaj paled, and he and Yazoo looked on in horror as their fates were decided by two teens on massive sugar highs.
"We're doomed."