A/N: Over the past couple of weeks things have been very sad, my best friend died and his girlfriend was my best friend too so when I had to be the one to deliver the news to her it was all hard to cope with it. It may be hard to believe seeing as all the stories I've written on this site, but I've never lost anyone close to me before. My best friend was the first death I ever had to really suffer through. I think it really made me experience depression from a different point of view and opened me up to more things. I haven't written much since then, I'm kind of afraid to see what comes out of it. I guess that was kind of a warning of sorts.
Disclaimer: I do not own YYH so please don't sue me.
Title: Fading Back To Introductions
It was a cold night at Kurama's house, a strong rain pelted his glass window but he sat unbothered at his desk, reading an old book he had found on different plants in the Makai.
Even though his eyes were looking at the page his mind wasn't reading the words, it wasn't even within the confines of this room. It had escaped him to a darker place and left his body chilled and numb on the outside.
He wasn't even sure what he was thinking anymore.
Suddenly he heard a knock on his window and he looked over, his emerald eyes were still blank. He could just barely see Hiei's form in the darkness.
He stood up and went over to the window, trying to come back into himself and clear his mind, trying to put a façade on as his friend instantly came in when he opened the window, he closed it after the fire demon was inside.
"Good evening Hiei." He said putting a smile on his face, but even he could see it didn't touch his eyes.
Hiei looked at him, a look of confusion touched his crimson eyes for a moment, as though he saw past the mask but then he let it go for his unemotional expression. "Hn." He said simply. "Plant books again?" He then asked, looking at the desk where the open book still sat.
Kurama's smile grew larger, "of course." He then exhaled a nearly silent breath as the fire demon rose his temperature just enough to dry himself, then went and sat on the kitsune's made bed.
The redhead once again sat at his desk, "so, where have you been lately Hiei? It's been over a week since I've seen you." He asked to begin a conversation.
"Two weeks. We haven't had any missions for a while and no bad weather." He stated. Kurama could only nod; the time had escaped him once again.
The room lapsed into a silence, Kurama looked at his friend to see the confusion lacing his features once again, he could see that it was beginning to be hard for him to keep from asking whatever was on his mind.
"What?" He asked calmly to get the fire demon to ask.
"Are you sick, Kitsune?" He finally asked.
"Why do you ask?"
Hiei glared at him for only a moment, "you look… distracted."
"Well maybe I am, or maybe I'm not." Kurama said with a grin on his face, his hand brushed the locks of red hair over his shoulders.
"Would that ningen soup help?" He asked and Kurama's grin grew, "no I don't think it would."
He heard Hiei growl, and watched his crimson eyes narrow, "you're not making any sense, fox!"
"I'm fine, Hiei, don't worry about it." He said partly to convince his friend and partly to convince himself. Hiei was the one who tended to have the depression issues, not Kurama. He was supposed to be there when the fire demon, or anyone for that matter, needed help.
This wasn't supposed to be happening to him.
But despite how much he told himself that it seemed like the thoughts would double in his mind, filling every corner of space. Everything he tried to distract himself with would inevitably lead back to it.
Hiei crossed his arms, "you don't look it."
"Looks can be deceiving."
"Hn."
Again they lapsed back into silence, Kurama desperately tried to find something to talk about to get them off the topic of himself. With every look that Hiei gave him the issues began to coil closer and closer to the surface.
"Have you seen anyone from the team lately?" Kurama finally asked.
"Hn." That was a 'no'. He wasn't surprised. "Why have you been locking yourself up in here so much, Kurama?" Hiei asked.
"Studying." He automatically answered, he didn't even have to think about it anymore.
"Even though you don't need to, pointless."
Kurama shrugged, "I've been falling behind lately."
"How come?"
"Just distracted I guess." He then grimaced, knowing he'd fallen into Hiei's invisible verbal trap. He looked over to his friend to see the just barely noticeable smirk that crossed his face. "So you have been distracted, with what?"
Kurama sighed, he wasn't sure why he was hiding it from his friend, they should be able to talk about anything with each other. It was pointless for him to try and hide it when Hiei could read him like an open book.
"Hiei, do you ever feel like we really don't know each other at all?" He asked, his voice was near trembling and was almost drowned out by the sound of the rain hitting the house outside.
"Nani?" Hiei asked, pure confusion lacing his every feature. "You're the only one who knows everything about me, Kurama."
The thought of that made him smile but he had to shake his head, "no that's not what I meant. I mean, we know each other's pasts, every story we have, and we know what makes the other tick but past that…" He lost his words.
Hiei's confused look only deepened, "you're still not making any sense, kitsune."
"Hiei what's your favorite thing to do?" He suddenly asked.
The said fire demon looked around the room for a moment before finally shrugging, "not having to go on those idiotic missions is always good." He said.
"Do you know what my favorite thing to do is?" He went on to ask.
Hiei was quiet for another moment before he finally smirked, "study and think about stupid stuff like this?"
Kurama's smile only grew.
"Kurama you're not making any sense!"
"I know," he said with a sigh, running his hands through his hair once again, "sorry, it's hard to understand."
When he looked at Hiei again he saw that the small but powerful demon was trying so hard to understand what he was saying, what he was trying to tell him. "Tell me, I want to understand."
The fox smiled and tried to figure out how to put all of his thoughts into words that would help Hiei understand. "It seems as though I've seen every side of you, Hiei. I've seen your merciless fighter side, I've seen the horrors and helped you deal with that, and I've even seen you with the expression of happiness, but past those it's all black. I don't know what's past it."
"What more could there be?"
"Well when you take all that away what is there?"
Neither said anything for a long moment, showing that neither really knew what the answer was. "You know I'd tell you anything, Kurama." He was trying so hard to understand.
"Well for example… if you had the chance, Hiei, would you ever change the way everything had happened?"
The fire demon's eyes narrowed, "how far back?"
"As far as you want."
Hiei's eyes went into thought for a long time. "It's hard to tell. Part of me thinks that I would have turned out this way even if I had born into a normal demon family. Despite the pain and everything that came with it, I don't think I would change it."
"See, I would have never thought that."
"How come?" Hiei asked.
"Well, after watching you suffer from the memories of those times I figured you would change it so you didn't have to carry it anymore."
Hiei simply shook his head.
"What's your favorite memory?" The two demon's eyes locked after Kurama asked the next question, Hiei quickly went through his memory and went through each of them, picking the one he had deemed his favorite a long time ago.
"The first time I saw my sister when we were still kids." Kurama's smile stayed, Hiei was a good brother whether he knew it or not. He was protective over his younger sister; he had always wondered why exactly that was.
He had always thought it was because she was the only family he had left, but he could be completely wrong. It could, instead, be because he simply loves her like a brother should, she had cared enough to leave her home to search for him; he had always thought Hiei had liked the feeling that someone cared enough to do that.
"Do you regret killing?" He forced himself to continue on.
"What do you mean?" The fire demon asked.
"Well when you start killing there's usually not a place where you can just stop. Once someone is killed someone else usually wants revenge, so you have to kill them and it just keeps going. Do you regret ever getting into that?"
"Ne. It was the one thing I was good at, every time I killed someone it meant I had succeeded at something, it was addicting for a long time."
Kurama knew exactly what he was talking about personally but he let it go with a simple nod, he could think of only one more question and it was the one he figured the temperamental fire demon would be most resilient to answer.
When he looked up once again he could already see the rebellion in Hiei's deep, glassy eyes. "Hiei," he said with a heavy breath, "have you ever loved someone so much that you would give your life for them?"
He saw as Hiei's eyes widened only by a fraction of an inch before her diverted them away. They were left in silence once again; the sound of the rain outside was the only thing that broke it.
Kurama could feel his look unconsciously contort into confusion; he wondered what could be running though the fire demon's mind now.
"No." Hiei finally said, his gaze still away from Kurama's. 1 "But I wish someone did." His eyes slowly moved back over to the kitsune who couldn't even begin to try and mask the confusion.
"You know that I've never been wanted my whole life, and being around everyone makes that even more known. I've watched countless times as Yusuke will risk himself to save Kuwabara, or someone else, but then when it's my turn it's as if everyone already knows I can do it, so why bother even registering the risk?"
Kurama starred at Hiei, he'd never thought he'd hear such a thing from his friend. Strength had always meant so much to him it made ever seeing him as weak nonexistent. But his answer now made him seem so mortal; it made it easier to see that behind his unemotional mask there was a person who so much wanted to be noticed for more than his strength.
"For once I'd like to know that someone cares enough to help, should it be needed." He finished.
"You know I would." Kurama said.
Hiei only nodded, their eyes locking once again. "Any more of your stupid questions, fox?" He asked, leaning back on his arms.
Kurama shook his head, "no, not at the moment." Hiei nodded then stood up. "Where are you going?" Kurama asked as Hiei stepped closer to the closed window.
"I've been here long enough as it is. Look, Kurama, you're the only one I've ever known who actually knew me. Your tendency to think too far into things seems to be what brought this on. But it's stupid, I'm telling you that you do know me so that should be all that matters."
Kurama looked down for a moment then nodded, "you're right, it's stupid. But it's still raining why don't you stay overnight?"
But when he looked up the fire apparition was gone.
The window was still closed and the bed sheets where he had been sitting on were made once again; the redhead's look contorted into confusion.
And then his eyes landed to the corner of the room where Hiei's katana sat in its sheath against the wall. His eyes softened and the grip on his heart tightened once more.
'That's right,' he thought looking away from it to his desk where a picture of him and the fire apparition sat in a wooden frame, 'Hiei died.'
He swallowed as he looked at it, memorizing the way Hiei looked, for once actually looking at the camera; his crimson eyes were hard even then. It had only been two weeks since his untimely death.
It was stupid for him to be conversing with a memory of his friend that his mind had created but at the same time he couldn't help but think it could just have been real, the smell of fire was still evident in the room.
But it didn't matter; the conversation had made him feel better and left him with the reassurance that he really had known his friend.
As he looked back at the picture and into those crimson orbs he could just barely see the look in them, the one look that made him seem just a little bit more innocent.
The end
A/N: Yes I do realize the ending wasn't as good as it probably could have been but I liked the twist that was in it. I actually got the idea for this specific story from a friend of mine who actually did this after our friend died, he said it actually did work and he actually felt better after words.
1: I debated a lot with my muse about what I wanted the last question that Kurama asked Hiei to be. I wanted it to be a question that would make Hiei seem just a little bit more… feeling.. or human, whichever you want to call it. This was the first question she posed and I liked it and all but I knew I'd have to deal with the fans like myself who are going to say, "wait no, Hiei said in episode 21 that he would never give his life for someone else's." and I'd have to deal with the fact of Yukina coming into the picture if I had him say no. So by 'love' I meant like actual love, relationship type love. Any OOCness was not meant.
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