Author's Note: If you are a fan of my previous works then this one may not be for you. Please regard this trigger warning if you are uncomfortable with topics of death, abuse or dark sexual themes. As a side note if you find yourself relating closely to certain situations depicted in this story I urge you to reach out to someone or seek professional assistance. That being said if you're just a sucker for hurt and angst like me, please enjoy.

Chapter One: Umbra

A world can change in 2 minutes and 43 seconds.

They were crossing the walkway, as they always did when they headed home together after groceries. Home was only a few blocks away, and getting the chance to walk together was a chance to catch the other up on what sort of day they'd had at work and debate what to eat for dinner. Same as always, pleasant as always, another day he could call Allen Walker his. Except this day was different. In mere moments the crosswalk where many a memory was shared became the end of memories to come- it was to become the bridge of Howard Link's nightmares.
He could still recall the event as if it had happened in slow motion. A car runs a red light, causing a truck to veer in the wrong direction- their direction. He feels a shove and falls rear-first onto the asphalt, catching only a glimpse of silver eyes and white hair before they blur into the shiny grill of a semi. The sound of screeching cars halting in the commotion deafens as Allen's body travels a distance impossibly far for the time it would take natural human movement to travel over.
43 seconds in- limbs, shoulders and the rest stay in intact as they hit the ground but appear crooked in their collapse. Link watches from a place behind his eyes, far away… This isn't happening. A bad dream, like the ones he'd imagined before and woken up from in a cold sweat only to be comforted in the dark of their room by kind hands and Allen's warm body holding him tight.
It takes split seconds spreading an eternity to realize the grit under his hands and the bruising forming under his legs aren't a dream. Chaos fills the air, but he can't hear a thing. He can only focus on the still form imbedded to the ground a few yards away from him, unmoving. 1 minute and 36 seconds in Link picks himself from the ground, he runs over and crumples to his knees where his partner lies. Liquid soaks to where his pants meet the surface, the feeling is warm and sticky.
"A-Allen…?"
A single silver eye opens partially, the other swelling rapidly and seeping red.
"Allen!"
This wasn't happening. Impossible… He doesn't know where to touch, but everything in him wants to hold him close and make this go away. Somehow… Somehow…
"H-How…."
Blood bubbles up from Allen's mouth as he attempts to speak. "Ha…."
"S-Stop-! Don't talk, w-we'll call an ambulance!" He turns to the crowd that's started to gather. "9-11! Someone! Call an ambulance-!"
The rough texture that could only belong to Allen's left hand brushes against his as more blood spreads across the stripes of the road and seeps into the asphalt's cracks. He looks back towards the young man he'd called his own for five years.
2 minutes and 32 seconds in, Allen's mouth turns upward in an apologetic smile.
"Sorry."
"Allen-?"
A silver eye turns upward, the expression fades and the froth at the corner of Allen's mouth slows its bubbling to a soupy-still foam. The tension left in the man's muscles slackens and his body goes limp.
"A-Allen? Allen!"
Link gives Allen's body a tentative shake. No response. "Allen- wake up!" He shakes harder, though the man's movements have stilled. "No, no, you have to wake up…! You can't leave me alone- not after everything! Wake up!"

"Link you don't have to worry over me so much, nothing's gonna just happen to me." The white-haired male puffed his cheeks as he ate another mouthful of cheese crunchies.
"You have a habit of finding trouble." Link sighed. "Or more rather, trouble finds you."
Allen laughs, covering his mouth to prevent crumbs from spilling out. "How's that my fault? I'll be fine, trust me."
Link narrows his eyes.
Allen casts one of his signature good-natured smiles. "I won't let anything happen to me, I promise. There's nothing that will prevent me from living my life and walking forward with you. Ok?"
Link resigns. "Ok."
"I love you, you know that, right?"
The older man turns away, hiding a blush. "Yeah. I love you too."

In 2 minutes and 43 seconds the only person Howard Link had ever loved was bones and flesh covered in road dust. Allen Walker was dead.

Link sat to himself towards the front of the cathedral. Allen's casket had been set in earth and stone, six feet below and locked from the world of the living. He recalled the stark white of the coffin, falling deeper and deeper into the crust of the planet, the hole stretching miles beneath Link's feet while he watched the man he had loved be buried to become food for bugs and bacteria.

He opened the palm of his hand, still dirty from gripping the palmful of gravel he had released into the depths below. The sound of tiny rocks bouncing off polished wood still rang in his head, interrupted only by the louder thunk of shovels returning the dirt to its home en masse. He had stared seemingly without blinking as the coffin disappeared and the ground level rose to reclaim its original form over Allen Walker's resting place. A roll of fresh grass was laid over the barren earth as if to blanket the young man in his eternal sleep.
He had felt numb through the ceremony and service, like a ghost watching from outside the realm of reality. Friends of Allen came to the front to speak words of kindness and share their memories of the resilient man who had bound them all together in a single room. Link had watched on in silence, he wasn't good with words and had spent the time gripping the blank sheet of paper in his pants pocket until it became smudged with sweat and the dirt still unwashed from the gravel on his palm. He could feel stares and make out whispers around him, parts of the crowd uncomfortable with his silence.

"He's not saying anything? I thought they were partners…"
"He hasn't cried once, you think he's ok?"
"I'm surprised Allen would have picked somebody like that."
"Poor Allen, he deserved better."

"Link."
Link blinked before looking up at the woman standing in front of him.
"Miss Lee…"
She gave a quiet smile. "You can call me Lenalee, I always told you that. We're friends, aren't we?"
"Yeah."
She sat beside him on the bench, following his gaze to the picture of Allen resting on the altar. "Have you been eating ok?"
Link put his hands back in his pockets, fiddling again with the disintegrated paper. "I've been eating."
Lenalee brushed the top of her skirt flat. It seemed short for a funeral, but then again he'd never seen her in anything with too much length. It never seemed her style. "The last time I saw Allen he seemed so happy. It was like he was finally living the life he was supposed to. Growing up was tough for him, but you knew that."
Link nodded.
"You should have dinner with Yu and I some time, like we used to."
Link grimaced.
Lenalee chuckled. "He only looks tough, he doesn't bite I swear. Much…" Link watched her from the corner of his eye as her cheerful façade fell away and sorrow painted her features. "Oh, Allen…" Tears started to fall over her cheeks and her shoulders shook gently. "I'm sorry, Link… I'm so sorry…"
Link reverted his gaze back to the seat of his pants. "It's not like you ran him over with a truck, you don't have to apologize."
"It's so unfair…" The woman wiped a few tears away with her sleeve. "How could he just…? After everything he's been through… After everything both of you have…"
"You don't have to cry for me." Link rubbed the back of his neck. This was making him a bit uncomfortable.
"But you won't cry, so I have to. For both of you."
The blonde man reached to pat her back before second-guessing himself and awkwardly pulling back. "I appreciate it." Though she didn't seem it, Lenalee was a strong woman. Link had seen her carry the hurt and worries of her friends though tough times and always conveyed their emotions for them. A part of him wished he could reach deep down and find a way to relinquish some of the anguish pooling at the pit of his stomach, but nothing seemed to rise. He felt heavy and sluggish with every move, rendered immobile by the feelings unable to surface.
Lenalee sniffed and wiped her eyes.
"Don't stay by yourself for too long, ok?" She was staring at him directly now, and Link felt entrapped by the seriousness of her expression. "I know you and Lavi don't get along, but maybe after this it would be good to talk to someone."
Link stiffened at the mention of Lavi's name.
"Yeah, I just… I don't know."
"The past is the past." Lenalee said quietly. Link wondered if she had murmured it more to herself. "He was Allen's closest friend, even if that happened a long time ago…"
"Doesn't feel that long." Link frowned.
"Consider it."
Link sighed. "I'll consider it. No promises."
Lenalee smiled a bit, though her eyes were still wet with tears. "That'll be good enough for me." She took a deep breath and rose up from her seat. "You should come over. Don't be alone through this."
Link tried to muster up some sort of positive emulation, but found his face set in morbid stone. "I uh, I appreciate the gesture, I do… I just…"
Lenalee's bravado fell once more, her eyes sinking to the ground. "I get it. I'll see you soon, ok? Yu and my brother are waiting for me outside."
Link nodded, watching as the young women garbed in black sauntered with heavy feet out away from the bench and down the aisle. He subconsciously gripped the suit over his chest, feeling a dull pain throbbing beneath his ribs.

Allen are you watching…? You're making a nice girl like that cry right now. If you hadn't gone and died she wouldn't be suffering like this right now, suffering like…

He was back to being alone. He wasn't sure how much time had passed inside the building before one of the ministers walked over to him.
"Son, I'm sorry, we'll be closing up soon…"
"Ah, sorry." Link released himself from his seat, feeling unsteady in the legs from lack of movement. "I'll be on my way."
The minister rested a hand on Link's shoulder, a touch he wasn't sure he felt totally at home with.
"My son, any time you feel the need to reach out to him and to God, stop by for service at some time." The minister gave a pat before returning his hands to his own business.
Link blinked. "Thought the Christian thing wasn't terribly fond of people like me and my partner."
The minister gave a laugh. "Some may still see things that way, but as humans we are ever evolving to live up to God's perfect image. The Lord loves all of us for who we are and the sins we carry, that love doesn't halt over something as trifling as that." He grinned. "Besides there's a lot of ambiguity to His texts, we must read them and decipher them for ourselves."
Link bowed his head. "Thanks. Take care."
"And you as well."
Link walked with lead feet towards the exit, seeing that now it was starting to become dark outside. In his books and the movies Allen would watch he'd always seen it rain during funerals, though the day had been without a cloud in the sky.

No tears from God for the likes of us, I suppose.

He exited the church, now on the journey to remember where he had parked his car. As he passed the archway he caught a glimpse of bright red hair to the side of him. He stopped and turned to see none other than Lavi Bookman Junior leaning against the stone wall, dragging on a cigarette. A single green eye turned up to make contact with his auburn ones.

"You smoke?"

Lavi released a puff of strong-smelling smoke into the dying light of the day. "Sometimes. Felt like I could use one." The red head shuffled in his suit pocket, bringing out a pack of Marlboros. "You want one?"

Link held up a hand. "No, uh, thanks. Not my thing."

Lavi smirked. "Still Mr. Goody Two-Spots, huh? Who you being so high and mighty for at this point?"
Link frowned. "I'm not Two-Spots."
He wasn't sure why he'd bothered even making eye contact with the red head. The man was an incessant pain in his neck and had been the only point of anxiety for him throughout being with Allen. He straightened himself back up. What a waste of time.

Talk to this guy my ass. Sorry, Lenalee.

"Lighten up, man. It was a joke. We could all use a little humor after all this, couldn't we?" Lavi shook the box a bit. "When was the last time the two of us talked? Allen's closest peeps and we can't even have a basic conversation."

"You know why that is." Link clenched his teeth, feeling himself starting to seethe.

"Huh? What you mean three years ago? Man, you hold a fuckin' grudge don't ya?" The red head took another drag off his stick. Link eyeballed him. "My bad, ok? How many times I have to apologize at this point? We were both drunk as shit and it only happened the once. Besides he cried about it after, you don't think I feel bad?"

Link stayed silent.

"Fine, have it your way." Lavi was about to withdraw the box before Link reached out and grabbed it. He wordlessly pulled a cigarette out before returning the package. Lavi stared at it for a moment before tracing the hand held out his way back to Link.

"Uh-?"

Link pointedly put the filter side of the stick in his mouth, noting the strong smell of something like dried figs coming off it. He peered at Lavi's wide-eyed expression from the side.

"Well are you going to light it?"

Lavi fumbled, dropping his own cig on the ground as he clambered for one of his pockets. "Shit-! Uh, yeah… Hold on…"

He stomped the burning ashes out before pulling out a lighter and holding it up for Link. The blonde nervously inhaled the smoked before choking on the flavor and erupting in a coughing fit.

"You idiot, you can't just suck it down like a straw!" Lavi huffed before pulling out a second one from his box and pocketing the rest.

Link caught his breath before eyeing the smoke in his hand closely. The strong fumes of burnt tobacco choked out his lungs and the flavor in his mouth was rank as hell, causing his eyes to water. "It's awful."

"Cuz you did it wrong." Lavi sighed. "You gotta like, suck some into your mouth, and then breath it in." He paused. "Why am I explaining this to you?"

"You offered." Link stated bluntly.

"Fair point…"

The one-eyed red head lit his new cigarette before glancing back at the blonde. Link was staring down the smoking item in his hand, watching as the ash gathered at the end. A light buzz started filling his senses. He put the filter back to his lips before inhaling the way Lavi had instructed. It still burned but was somehow smoother this time, and he exhaled the stinking substance back into the cold air. His mouth tasted like an ashtray, though his head was starting to feel light and fuzzy.

They smoked in silence for a bit as the last of the sunset colors drained from the sky and were washed over with shades of empty dark blues and stranded stars emerged, most of them strangled out by the city's lights. After the cigarette was done, Link felt weak in the knees and slid into a crouch against the cold stone of the church walls. Parts of his body and brain felt numb and an overwhelmingly calm buzz made him feel like mush.

"Is it always like this…?" He mumbled.

Lavi put his butt out on the ground. "Only the first time, don't go chasing that high. That's how you get addicted."

Link took a moment before finding the strength to stand back up on shaky legs. He turned to Lavi for a moment before readjusting his suit and started to head in the direction of his car.

"Wait, Two-Spots-"
"Link."

"Fuck- Link." Lavi gave a smile, one of which the blonde couldn't read. "I miss the hell out of him. He was pretty much my only good friend, the only one who wasn't a dirtbag anyway."

Link stood still, not sure how to respond to Lavi's words.

"Have a drink some time with me, ok?"

Link felt taken aback, eyes wide in misunderstanding. Was the son of a bitch toying with him? He crossed his arms.

"I'll consider it."

"Plans considered. I'll come ringing."

Link huffed. "Do what you like." He raised a hand in annoyed farewell as he continued his journey to find his car. He didn't look back this time, not wanting to see what kind of expression the red head was making. He shoved his hands in his pockets, somehow only realizing now that the air was becoming increasingly chilly.

I need a mint.

2 Months Later.

"Link, you're so serious all the time."
Link looked up from his studies, blinking at the white haired male in front of him.
"I have work to do, if I don't do it seriously it won't be done properly."
Allen laughed. Link scowled at the offensive nature his junior was portraying towards him.
"You're no fun. All day at school you follow me around as my tutor, and here I thought maybe in your free time you were interesting."
The blonde grimaced. "Not all of us have the luxuries of being interesting. Some of us have to be boring and focus on building the structures all you interesting people rely on so much." He sighed and went back to his textbooks. After a period of quiet he reluctantly looked back at the silver-eyed boy who was now wearing a look of sarcastic disappointment. "W-what?"
"You're satisfied with being boring?"
"How am I supposed to answer that?"
Allen seemed to sweep a look across the library before leaning forward. Link was caught off guard as Allen pressed his lips to his. His body jolted and became rigged, though there was a soft warmth emanating from where the Walker boy's mouth connected with his. He stayed still as stone as Allen broke from the kiss and stepped back and stared at him intensely.
Suddenly the junior's face broke into a huge grin. "Now you've done something interesting! How'd it feel?"
Link was a mess of nerves and wasn't able to catch his breath long enough to come up with some sort of retort. "Y-you! What-?"
"That's all you have to say?" Allen rolled his eyes. "Why'd I have to crush on someone so weird?"
"W-wha-?" Link grabbed his head, feeling like his thoughts were scrambling in every direction. "What the hell are you talking about!? I'm your tutor- And quite a bit older than you!"
Allen huffed. "So? You like me back or what?"
"W-well I…" Link's heart was racing at a speed he couldn't comprehend. "I-I think you're-!" He shut his mouth.
"You think I'm what?" Allen looked frustrated.
"I think... y-you're…" Oh fuck he wanted to kill himself. "Pretty…."
Allen blinked, his big eyes bigger than usual. Link couldn't breathe as he imagined himself drowning in those giant silver pools.
"BWAHAAHAHA!" The white-haired male cracked up, holding his sides as he laughed.
Oh yeah, no he was definitely gonna fuckin' hang himself over this one.
"Link."
"WHAT!?"
"Just shut up."
The blonde didn't have time to react as his mouth was reclaimed, this time with a gentle force that made him want to melt. The musty smell of old cigarettes clung to Allen's clothes, probably from all the smoking his foster dad did inside the house. The taste was different though… It was… Sweet?
The stink of cigarettes would fade after Allen moved in with him, but the sweet scent and taste always remained. Bu then the essence of Allen was tainted with the smell of metallic iron, and the softness of his kiss was replaced with the broken fractures of bones and sticky warmth revolting from blood spilling out beyond control.
"A-Allen?"
The bleeding wouldn't stop, it was coming from his mouth, his eyes, every opening that tore through his lover's body.
"Allen! Hold on! We'll call an ambulance!" Link looked up to the crowd to beg someone to call. "Call the paramedics! Get some help! Please!" He was met back with faceless stares and the backs of cell phones recording his nightmare come to life. "Somebody!" He looked back down to Allen, blood bubbling out from his mouth and pouring into the asphalt below.
"A-Allen... Don't go… Don't leave me alone…"
Allen Walker smiled weakly back up at him.
"Sorry."

Link awoke with a start from his desk, heaving to catch his breath again from the nightmare he'd fallen into.

"Howard?"
He gripped his chest, still getting a claim on his bearings. His breath was shaky, and it took some time to recover it back to normal. Tevak, his coworker, stepped into his office, rushing towards him.
"Howard, are you ok?"
Link assessed himself and his surroundings. His desk was a mess of paperwork whilst at some point he had dropped his coffee on most of himself and subsequently to the floor. His clothes stuck to him heavily around his neck, chest and arm-pits, all soaked in cold sweat. He felt nauseous.
He took in an unsteady breath. "S-sorry… I'm not sure when I fell asleep…"
"More like passed out!" Tevak gathered some of the papers and his mug from the floor. "You should head home, you've already been holed up in here working through files for 36 hours straight. We're ahead of schedule for the first time in history, but when was the last time you ate anything?"
Link rubbed a sweaty hand over his face, feeling the physical bags that had formed under his eyes. He couldn't really remember his last meal…
"I'm fine, it's ok. Really."

"Like hell it is! You stink, go home and shower." The blonde-haired girl's expression softened substantially. "If you push yourself too hard you'll end up following him to the grave. Take it easy for the day, ok? You've done enough overtime, the company's gonna start being investigated for employee abuse. I'll let Tokusa know."
Link clenched his hands, a searing embarrassment running through his body. "Sorry…"
"Don't apologize, just get the hell out of here." Tevak turned to leave through the door before turning back. "You ok to drive? I can give you a ride if you want."
Link shook his head. "I'm fine really. Don't worry about it."
She gave him one last look of scrutiny before heaving a sigh and stepping out of the office. Link ran his hands through his bangs and over his untidy braid. He resigned himself to getting up from his desk to locate the last place he'd seen his keys and other effects.

I'm a mess…

Howard Link was not sure how long he'd been sleeping on his couch before he heard an unsteady knock at his door

Knock, Knock. Knock. Knock, Knock, Knock.

He peered at the door with suspicious eyes before checking his phone for the time. It was one fifteen in the morning, who the hell was here at this hour? He rationalized that any normal person would be asleep during this time (as he had been), and would very likely continue sleeping through a random visit at an ungodly hour. As any normal person would do he shut his eyes again, though found the feeling of being tired evading him rapidly.

Knock, Knock, Knock, Knock, Knock.

Oh, so they were persistent. Link tried once again to ignore the knocking at his door. Whatever it was could wait until a reasonable time of day. Hopefully at a point where he was at work, so he could avoid any unnecessary contact.

BANG, BANG, BANG.

Link got up with a start. Irritated, he got up from his couch on legs that were still groggy from sleep. He peered through the peephole of the door, clucking his tongue in annoyance upon seeing his unwanted visitor. Regardless he opened the door a crack, just enough so that the chain lock was still attached.

"Bookman, what the hell are you doing here?"

Lavi brandished a bottle three-quarters full of expensive looking whiskey, though did so with a flare that told Link the remaining third had not been consumed all that long ago. "You said you'd consider a drink, but ya never rang so here I am ringin'."

Link squinted at the red-head. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Lavi pulled a weird face before fishing his phone out of his pocket. "Oh shit! Look at that!" He laughed. "Guess I've been up longer than I thought." He glanced at the whiskey bottle in his hand. "Still let me in?"

Link heaved an annoyed sigh before undoing the chain lock, taken aback as the red head all-to-excitedly jumped into the spacious condo. Lavi unsteadily set the bottle down on the kitchen counter before giving himself a tour of the living area.

"Man, I've never been here! That job you got must be real fancy, huh? When'd you guys move here, two years ago?"

"About." Link closed the door behind him before crossing his arms and situating himself against a wall to lean on.

"At least if he's gone now he got to spend some time here, out of Cross's shitty house…" Link twitched at the mention of Cross Marian, Allen's foster father from the time he was eleven until they had been able to move out together after Allen graduated high school. Lavi slinked back towards the kitchen, rifling through cabinets until he found some short glasses. He pulled two down to the counter before turning back to the blonde. "You got ice?"

Link gestured toward the ice machine connected to his fridge.

Lavi clapped his hands together. "Fan-cy! You know most people our age don't live in booshwah homes like this."

"It's not that fancy…" Link mumbled. "If you just stay frugal and save up long enough you can get a decent place." He looked towards the picture of Allen he had above his fireplace. "Besides, I had help."

Lavi followed his gaze towards the picture, though Link readjusted his line of site before the red head meandered his attention back to the glasses. "Yeah, waiters can make some good cash." Lavi spoke quietly, seemingly towards himself more the Link. "Anyways, drinks!" The red head seemed to regain energy anew, a battery which Link had no stamina to compare at the moment.

"You can drink, I'm not really in the mood."

Lavi looked crushed. "Awe, come on! One little drink, what's it gonna hurt, huh? Besides, not like you're drinkin' alone- you got a guest!" The eyepatched man went to work filling the glasses with ice.

Link raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't planning for guests."

"Regardless you have one, so entertain me. That's what a good host does, right?" The grin on Lavi's face was insufferable, and Link mentally calmed himself with some effort as to not become irritated.

The blonde wordlessly closed the gap between them, taking a glass in hand as well as the whiskey bottle. He caught Lavi watching him as he stepped over to the living area, selecting a seat in the arm chair so there would be option for his so-called guest to sit too close to him. He rested both bottle and glass to the coffee table before undoing the cork and filling his glass just so the ice was barely covered. Lavi seemed to watch form the kitchen dumbfounded as Link took a sip, sucking in air at the spicy burn the smoky liquid brought to his tongue and chest.

"Well?" The blonde put out one of his hands in a 'aren't you going to sit down' sort of manner.

"Oh- uh! Right!" Lavi brought his own glass over, offering it with a smile towards Link's direction? "Fill me up?" Link poured Lavi's the same as his, seemingly to the red head's disappointment.

"You always this stingy?"

"There's most of a bottle there, unless of course you're in some sort of hurry."

Lavi took a considerably large sip from his glass. "Not really, but I like skipping the buzz and getting straight down to business."

Link regarded him for a moment, feeling that sensation of fuzzy warmth creeping over him. In the next sip he forced himself to down the remaining liquid and set his glass down hard back to the coffee table, reaching for a second.

Lavi sipped his, eyeing Link with an unreadable expression. "I've never seen you like this before."

"Like what?" Link retorted, filling his glass slightly more than the previous time.

"I don't know, you just always seemed so…"

"So?"

"Stuffy." Lavi smiled.

Link scowled before bringing his drink back to his lips. "Maybe some of us just care more about our appearances than others."

"Allen liked that about you." Lavi nursed the drink in his hand, not consuming it quite as eagerly as he had earlier proclaimed he would. "He grew up in a chaotic environment, so I think something stable like all this-" he gestured towards the interior of the condo, "Was therapeutic for him. You kept him safer than the rest of us could I guess."

Link wasn't sure how to respond. The drink was starting to take an effect quicker than he had anticipated. Shit, I haven't eaten in a while… That's why…

Lavi had a careful look on his face as he finished his drink and reached for another. "How you been doing these last few months?"

"I've been fine."

"You don't look fine."

Link considered this for a moment before finally noticing he was in the same clothes he had worn to work, button up shirt, belt, pants, coffee stains and all. He subconsciously reached for his hair, noting that his braid wasn't done and the texture was messy and unclean. A pang of hot regret shot through him in allowing someone to come in his house to see him like this.

"I, uh…"

Lavi gulped his second drink with a far more rapid pace than the previous. "It's ok, I haven't been good either really." His expression soured as he seemed to look at nothing in particular. "When I got the news of what happened, it kinda fucked me up. Like, it was just so sudden… And we're not that old, y'know? And he was younger than all of us… How does something like that just happen to someone like him? I keep imagining scenarios of what I could have done, if anything…" Lavi hung his head loosely. "But you were there, you were the most stable of all of us, the college, the career, this fuckin' place." He slinked back up a bit, meeting Link with a miserable gaze. "Why didn't you do anything?"

Link felt the glass slip from his fingers and thump softly to the rug below, spilling what was left of the watered-down whiskey and molted ice to be consumed by rugged fabrics. He regarded his shaky hands, and felt an intense nausea fighting its way around his belly. The memory of Allen's outstretched hands, pushing him out of the way, then a sickening crunch, then blood….

"Two-Spots?"

"He pushed me…"

Link couldn't see Lavi beyond him as his eyesight only focused on the pale hands of his own before him. Overpowering emotion suddenly overcame him, and he took a shuddered breath through clenched teeth as his eyes began to feel hot.

"He pushed me… out of the way… I didn't see… I didn't see until…" He hugged his arms around his stomach and lost the ability to sit upright, hunched forward with heaviness and grief. "And then he was gone… And I'm still here…"

Rough hands suddenly grabbed him by the front of his shirt and Link found himself being slammed back-first to the ground with Lavi pinning him down. The red-head's usual eyes of playful green were now a dangerous venom color, his face twisted in ugly tones of mixed rage and anguish.

"Why the fuck are you still here!?" Lavi's voice was shaking with dark emotion, and Link found himself unable to move or react in any way. His body felt slack from lack of nutrition and alcoholic poison, glued the floor below his now adversary. "All that time, keeping him all to your god-damned self, spouting bullshit about you'd keep him safe, about how you wanted to protect him…! Why the fuck did he even leave that house if you were just gonna let him become roadkill?" Lavi raised Link up a bit before slamming the blonde back to the floor. "Tell me! Tell me why it was so fucking important for him to stay with you if you were just gonna let him die!? Why? You fuckin' tell me!"

Link had no time to respond before strong hands gripped his throat, enabling him unable to breathe. He sought for air, though found none to enter his lungs and gripped onto Lavi's muscular fore-arms in a weak attempt to pull him off. The effort was to no avail, and the grip tightened.
"That should be your ass in the ground- Not his!" Link felt hot drops fall to his face and through blurry vision could see the red-head crying above him. The hold on his throat slackened and Link was able to intake some air before Lavi's grip returned. "You think you were the only one who loved him? You think you were the only one who cared for him like that? Who the fuck are you?"
Link's feet struggled between rug and hard floors, his feet making soft swiping sounds on the floor despite his earnest attempts to break free. His hand reached up weakly to grip at Lavi's collar, trying to find some way to shake the man off as he felt blood vessels pounding in his head.

"I… know…." He was barely able to rasp the words out past the vice-like constriction on his throat. Despite everything before, now he felt warm tears pooling in his eyes, swelling up and then releasing to stream down his reddening face. His body shuddered, and the image of Allen's crumpled body flooded his brain.
Why'd you push me out of the way? Why am I the one left here when there's no one here for me? You were the one with friends, you were the one who had people who loved you and miss you, so why am I here in your place? What the hell did you try and save me for? Why didn't you let me die with you? Why didn't I die in your place?
Lavi's hands released him and Link felt sweet air fill his lungs back up, though his windpipe felt ragged as he coughed in between attempts to regain his breath. His hands clutched where he could feel the bruises forming around his neck, though the tears kept coming and he turned his face away so as to avoid Lavi's heated stare.

"I know…" he sobbed, "I know…"

"You're worthless." Lavi whispered.

"I know…"

"You shouldn't be here…"

"I know…"

"Why isn't Allen here anymore…?"

"I… don't know…"

There was a silence between the two of them for some time. Link didn't make any efforts to fight the grip Lavi still had on his shirt collar. He couldn't meet the man's eye, he couldn't be swallowed in the guilt he had brought upon himself in letting Allen Walker die before his eyes. He let Allen die and brought misery to everyone in his partner's life.

"I loved him…" Lavi's words were hardly audible. "I know I'm just a jackass, I could never have given him fancy shit or supported him like you, but I loved him… Doesn't that count for something?"

Link grit his teeth. His eyes wandered from the floor to where Lavi's hands kept him pinned. He felt a hitch in his recovered breathing as he noticed scars poking out from under the red head's sleeves along his wrist.

"I'm sorry…"

Lavi seemed to catch where the blonde was looking and shoved him into the floor again. "It doesn't matter. We're both dead now, right? We died with him."

Link stayed silent.

"If we're dead then nothing from here matters, right?" Lavi rasped.

Link's head suddenly felt sharp pain as fingers entangled themselves in his ratted hair, yanking him back against the floor to meet Lavi eye-to-eye. He had no time to respond as the distance between the two was suddenly closed and an invasive force overcame his mouth. He instinctively shoved Lavi away, this time the red head allowed himself to be pushed back.

"W-what are you…?"

A hard slap struck Link against the side of his cheek, sending the sensation of thousands of stinging needles spreading across his face like hot iron. Lavi looked deadly calm now, the red head was still holding the blonde's hair gripped from the skull with concentrated strength.

"Allen was a part of you, and he was a part of me." Link could hear the words drip out of the man's mouth like sick molasses. "So, if we conjoin in some way we might be able to bring part of him back."

"Y-you want to...?"

"Like hell I want to!" Another rough shove into the floor. "But you're responsible for what happened to him, and I'm responsible for letting you get away with it! We have to atone…"

Link grit his teeth, feeling a sense of fear and dread creep up into his chest. "Y-you're going to… Rape me…?"

"It's not like that if you let me. But you won't enjoy it, because I won't enjoy it either."

"If I fight back…?"

Lavi let out a dark laugh. "How the hell you gonna fight back like that? This will happen either way, so you choose how you handle it. You and I have to be punished for letting him die. Since neither of us seem capable of killing our bodies, we have to kill our souls for what we've done. What better way to do than have two people who detest each other touch each other in ways we never wanted? Anything less we might forget. We can't forget."

Between the harsh pain of his body being knocked against his floor, the ring of bruising around his neck, the hair being pulled from his scalp and the sting on his cheek Link wondered how many more bruises he would have to endure before he felt like he'd done enough to make up for that day. Lavi's words cycled through his head in an endless circle.

Dying wouldn't be enough, that would be too easy. I could lose both arms and legs and it still wouldn't be enough. Bodily pain will never be enough, but if I kill my soul and live with those scars… Will they be enough…?

Lavi once again closed the gap and Link felt an ill-tasting tongue tickled with booze and nicotine drown him in all senses. He didn't push the red head away this time, though he found no energy to move back in any capacity either. It was disgusting and lifeless, how he was now after losing Allen… Out of the corner of his eye he saw white hair and silver eyes looking down at him from the armchair.

"You think that will really be enough for what you did to me? You're going to have to endure this over, and over and over again until you die, and even then, it won't bring me back, will it? You're gonna let him do it?"

Link went slack as he felt unloving hands start to undo his belt and pants.

"You're finally becoming interesting."