Just Like Normal People
Seven inches of snow moving in is not news I really enjoy. Now, if this snow was moving into Sugarloaf, or Aspen, or Bridger Bowl that would be different. I would be excited and would call up my Dad and talk him into a family get away. No, the idea of seven inches now, here in New York City, does not sound good. It is going to paralyze the city. I heard a rumor that for big snows they have to fetch plows in from other places. I have a hard time patrolling in a snowstorm. Ok, seven inches even shuts down a vigilante like me. Batman would have my neck but I did try in Bludhaven. It did not go real well and I was lucky I got back without frostbite or a broken neck. Even Batman stays in on severe snowstorms.
Ok, with the Cloisters down for remodeling, I have some time on my hands. Now, first thing is to go shopping and I had better stock up. If it hits while anyone is at the Tower, I can bet Tim will haul him or her in here. They never keep anything on hand and besides I am rated as 'megacool'. I think rich, single, and over 20 with hyperfast Internet and a large screen Plasma TV with high definition has a lot to do with my status. Here though I thought it only had to do with my exciting and scintillating personality. Yeah right! OK now I made it to the grocery store. Come on Dick, you can do it. You managed to get groceries in Bludhaven. The store is a lot larger but you can do this. You are almost twenty-four; you are a museum curator for Pete's sake. You do not need Alfred to do your shopping. Oh who am I kidding? I can cook a few meals but ah want to hear a confession? Don't tell Oracle but Alfred brought most of the stuff over premade. I just had to heat, mix, and serve. I know I should have said something, but technically I cooked. I did not end up with the fire department called.
Hmm now think. Ah, frozen pizza that will be a good start. Ok, found the freezer section and one lady that I would not mind getting to know a little bit better. Oops on second thought I don't think the big bruiser with her would appreciate it. Vegetables, vegetables, eek poisonous Brussel sprouts, ah Pizza. What? Ok, now don't panic. Two rows of frozen pizzas are not a cause to panic. You can figure this out, has to be easier then some of the Riddler's stuff. It is not in alphabetical order. Now, where do I go? It is sorted by brands. Hmm Delicious Gourmet, now that sounds promising. Forget it, braized duck with artichoke hearts topped with Limburger and bleu cheese. Limburger smells worse then my shoes and hamper combined. I am not eating that.
I can hear some of poor sap just as befuddled. What?! No way, the stress must be causing me to hallucinate. Nope, there he is. Okay, I ain't going to question what he is doing here, in fact ok I am totally glad to see him. Bruce and I together can surely figure out this maze of Pizza. We are the Dynamic Duo after all.
"Alfred sent me to buy us some pizzas Dick but he never told me it would be like this. Did you ever know there were so many different brands?"
"No, all I know is that we don't want the Delicious Gourmet. Any company that would put the world's worst smelling cheese on a pizza is seriously dangerous. Say though, how did you know it was me?"
"I could see you and I could hear you thinking. I do wonder why you go to hallucinations. But we will think about that later. Right now we have to solve this case. Hmm lets just look for pepperoni. Here is one that says 'self rising crust'."
"I don't know, if it is you and me cooking, with our luck it will take over the whole oven. Ah, don't know if I ever had it but here is Diforgnia, they claim to be so good you can bet your guest its delivery."
"I don't care right now. I have been staring at them for over five minutes. Lets just pick up five of them in pepperoni."
I like that about Dad. He can make decisions and it saves me from standing here. I dump five pepperoni pizzas in the cart. We ignore the curious gawks. Obviously they seem to have never seen two single men buy groceries. We are just regular guys who happen to be good looking and filthy rich. AH Ice Cream, ok Alfred will probably pitch as close to a dignified English fit but you can not be snowed in for any length of time without chocolate. It is a proven fact of human biology. Lack of chocolate has been shown to be a critical factor in preventing insanity and recreations of the Donner party. People claim it was starvation, I think it was a lack of good old, wonderful chocolate. Sex is almost as good as chocolate, but you can live without sex.
"Bruce, what do you say to some chocolate ice cream?"
"Of course, that is a necessity."
We quickly grab tubs of chocolate chocolate chip, Rocky Road, and a new one Chocoholics Fantasy Flashback. I grab a couple boxes of Croco Crunchy Cremes. I love that cartoon crocodile. Oh cool, each box has different games. Mental stimulation is always a good thing.
"So what are you doing here, in Manhattan?"
"Same storm is due for Gotham and figured I could sit home and brood or come bug and terrorize my son. Bugging and terrorizing won out. Besides, I could deduct it as a business expense since the Cloisters is a Wayne property. Okay we have the major food groups represented nicely, now enough with the health food, let's hit the junk food."
I am frankly glad for the company. I hate being alone when it storms. It's silly but something about really howling wind reminds me of people wailing. That sound moves my brain back to the night my parents died and I see it all over and over again. Bruce always finds a way to distract me. He helps me get through it. I smile as I feel him drape his arm over my shoulders and give me a squeeze.
"Now, we definitely need pop and chips. Let's see, it looks like the chips are going to be closer. Tim says we HAVE to grab him some Floritos in Nacho Cheese or he will die of starvation. He says Cheese puffy pops, pretzels, and Croco's Mystery Mix are toxic and not fit for human consumption. I guess there is no accounting for taste. Oh Freddy Feline now has Crunchy Ultra Cheesy puffy pops, we should try a few bags. Alfred wants Salt and Vinegar potato chips. I have never heard of those. They sound positively nasty."
"We could say we could not find them."
"You want to be the one to tell him? I will freely stand in back of you and beat a strategic retreat."
"In short you would hang me out to dry."
"Your idea, ah you face the music. On second thought a lot easier and safer to just get him what he wants."
We manage to finally locate Alfred's request, as well as the other items on our list, though somehow what we want is in much larger quantity. Of course, it is logical, there are after all two people eating ours as opposed to the others, which are single consumers. Oh cool, Croco has a free surprise in each and every bag of Mystery Mix. We move over to the soft drink aisle. Now this is the only area where our tastes diverge. He likes this orange pop that tastes like battery acid. I grab Alfred some Diet Zesti, Tim some Cherry Zesti, and I get the good stuff. The stuff guaranteed to put hair on even Clark's chest, Five Alarm Ultra Zesti RUSH. Any pop that advertises that they guarantee you a caffeine buzz or your money back can't be all bad. I ignore the glare from Bruce. He just does not understand. I am a growing guy and I need my caffeine. If I can't get my caffeine I would have withdrawal and trust me, after Roy it would not be a pretty picture.
"Now, what about breakfast?"
"Alfred said he would be 'procuring the necessities for a healthy morning repast'. Oh, cake and cookies, though Alfred has brought down a couple dozen fresh baked peanut butter chocolate chip. I think we also should make sure to get plenty of the ultra buttery popcorn."
As we go by the checkout counter I can not help but start laughing. The International Tattler has a picture of the Trinity on the cover. "Wonder Woman ditches Superman for Batman. Man of Steel vows vengeance." The Weekly Whisper proclaims they have an exclusive interview with Batman's hidden lover. The strangest has to be the Daily Dirt which say Harley Quinn is an alien and pregnant with the Joker's baby to create a new master race. The thought of them having a child together is scary enough, but the thought of that child being the next master race is the stuff of nightmare. Dad is feeling civil today, he simply takes a look and snorts. He does grab us the Raunch rating the hottest babes of heroism and villainy. He also proudly grabs the Raunchette rating the hottest hunks of heroism and villainy. He has to show me that there is a picture of me on the cover announcing for the second year in a row I am the hottest all around hunk. Most other Dads would not be overly thrilled at the news but he is beaming like a government tax refund arrived. My Dad is definitely one of a kind.
Ah the cookies, cakes, and pies calling us to a good sugar high. We are in the middle of deciding on our selections when we are stopped short by a dignified, but ever so slightly annoyed 'Ahem.' We have been busted. We turn around and Alfred has loaded his cart with all of the good and staid staples. He looks over our cart and sadly shakes his head, even as I do hold up the peace offering of the salt and vinegar potato chips. I try to give Alf my best Oliver Twist look. He is going to let us have our way, I can tell. Alfred likes to avoid the tremendous breach of etiquette that is a Bruce Wayne temper tantrum. He instructs us to follow him like something out of the "Bridge Over the River Kwai". I can't resist whistling the song even as Alfred gives a long suffering sigh, evidently we are once again proving an embarrassment. Bruce winks at me and grabs numerous packages of cookies and tosses them into the cart.
Tim does not get anything out of shopping with us. He often will put on dark glasses, turn up his collar, and act like a typical teenager. Being sixteen, Tim seems to feel appearing with his family out of uniform is a fate worse than death. He does not want to be recognized at a public location like a store. Of course he doesn't mind when he needs a signature to charge something or other. Bruce teases Tim that one day he is going to have t-shirts made with Tim's picture and the word's "We're With Him" on them. From the expression on Tim's face, you would think Batman had said he was going to go around simply in a cowl, a cape, and a pair of Kevlar speedos. It would be interesting to see what kind of a reception he would get to that. The females would love it until Selina found out and probably would kill him.
We reach the checkout stands and our cart is considerably fuller with odd little bits and pieces. Ok, yes it is all junk food but come on, we need a treat once in a while. We can't go do what we love to do so a little compensation is in order. Alfred unloads his cart, slapping my hand when I attempt to help. He probably knows my help would be to misplace several of his healthy items. Top of my list are the grapefruit juice and the prunes. The Brussel sprouts at least make for table hockey fun when Alfred is out of the room. Alfred is very efficient at unloading the cart, but then again Alfred is efficient at everything. That's just one of the many quirks that we love about the man. He announces he is going to go and pull the Bentley around. I think he rather would keep a little longer an ignorance is bliss thought about our purchases. The checkout girl starts openly flirting with us. Bruce has fun and pulls out his vapid, flirty playboy act. Before he is done, somehow he has made me a date with Cindy Lou for next Saturday. I hope I can keep from laughing. The name always reminds me of Cindy Lou Who and the Grinch who Stole Christmas. I still see the poor mutt Max with the huge Antler strapped to his head trying to pull this huge slay and I lose it. I focus on the article about the Joker to keep me from laughing out loud.
I don't know how much the bill came to. It is a bad habit but I have started to just not let it register. I try to pull out my gold card but Dad beats me to it. Dang he is good, I never saw the hand go into the pocket for the wallet. He signs the charge and Cindy Lou sighs like he has given her his autograph. A fleet of helpful bag persons arrives and wheels the purchases outside and loads them into the trunk. Alfred hovers over and instructs the group exactly what to put where. I pull out my wallet and give each a sizable tip. I know how it feels to be instructed by Alfred in the proper loading of bags into a trunk. Alfred has a way of making you feel like you are five years old.
We get into the back of the Bentley and buckle in as Alfred takes off. He is choosing to largely ignore us. Bruce makes him stop at the nearest Bruiser Video. We go in and pick up a large amount of videos and games. Bruce chuckles picking up the unrated version of the Unauthorized Biographies of Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman. I grab several Errol Flynn movies and Zorro movies. We get Tim an assortment of the teen slasher movies for he and his friends and hope they go off and watch it in the back room. We also pick up a few British classics to get out of Alfred's doghouse. Now at least he will not feel everything has decended into a vapid wasteland of depravity. He loves to cry over "Mrs. Minniver". Oh YES! They have the new Croco game, "Croco Chomps Hollywood". We also grab the latest "Takedown" game. Bruce also buys several boxes of chocolate covered raisins, which is Alfred's secret vice.
When we get back in the Bentley, Bruce gives Alfred one of the boxes. Alfred gives a swift, silent nod, which means he has let us out of the doghouse. Bruce pulls out his cell phone and checks in with Lucius, telling him to call it a day and send everyone home before the storm hits. I get the glare for loudly laughing over my new game. The glare loses its intensity when I notice him smiling indulgently and mouthing the word "Brat". I look at the receipt and I can't help it. This is just too sweet. Bruce didn't rent these all; Bruce BOUGHT them. He knows I love the Croco games. He has bought me every one including one never officially released in the United States. Some people took a dim view of Croco eating the President of the United States for lunch. He reaches over and musses my hair. I was waiting for him to do that. No matter how old I get, I will always be his special spoiled brat. That is more than okay with me. I'm not afraid or worried about the snowstorm now. You know, I bet if my Dad wanted to, he could beat the weather if he tried.