Time To Heal (Part 1)
Meredith stands over Owen, ready to begin fixing him up in the OR. She has April by her side to assist her. April notices blood staining through Meredith's pants and trickling to her shoe. April panics, but Meredith says not to worry. She's having a miscarriage. She winces briefly in emotional pain but has to focus on Owen. Suddenly, Owen and April disappear, and Meredith stands in the OR alone. There is a chilling silence. Meredith looks down at the blood on her, her mouth dropping in terror. She places her hands over her abdomen, imagining what her baby would look like. She looks straight ahead and sees Derek standing so perfectly, no signs of him being shot. He smiles softly at her without saying a word. She struggles to smile back. Tears begin forming in her eyes as she stares at him. He fades away. She looks down again and slips to the floor, crying, grieving for the precious life she has lost…
Meredith wakes up, sweating, with tears in her eyes taken from her dream. She sits up, ripping the covers off of her. She glances over at Derek's side of the bed. She needs him with her, but she's glad he's not there. He is still recovering in the hospital, and she has not yet told him about their baby. He also doesn't know the hell that transpired during his surgery. It was still too soon to tell.
That horrific day occurred four days ago. Derek has been recuperating well, and Meredith visits him as much as she can. He always asks about patients. He's eager to be a doctor again instead of Chief Of Surgery. He supposed to sleep the majority of the time, but sometimes he doesn't want to. He's also concerned about Meredith, and she keeps insisting that she's doing okay. She's supposed to be taking time off, but sometimes she works in the pit. It keeps her focused. When Derek's stronger, she intends to move in. She hates sleeping without him. Their bed is so empty. For now, she deals with the miscarriage the best she can, but she wants to tell Derek. Until that time comes, Cristina is taking care of her. Or at least trying to. This is something Meredith wants to handle on her own until she tells Derek.
Meredith gazes at the alarm clock, which reads 4:00. She knows she doesn't have to work, but she can't fall back to sleep. The second she closes her eyes she'll think about the baby. The dream left her wide-awake with awful sadness.
She decides to get up and begin her day. She showers quickly, throws on some clothes, and grabs a bagel on her way out the door. Lexie and Cristina are not at the hospital yet – a good thing because she doesn't feel like talking to them. If she wanted to talk, she'd visit Alex, but she knows how much he loves his sleep. She changes into her scrubs, but she is not there for work.
She ventures to Derek's room and stands beside him, watching him sleep. A tear runs down her face. The silence forces her mind back to the baby. Jus about everything makes her think of the baby and that entire horrific day, but the one thing that could help this time is sleeping in Derek's arms. She kicks off her shoes and carefully slips into the bed with him. He opens his eyes briefly, startled by her presence, but closes them when he sees it's his wife. He needs her sleeping with him. His arms wrap around her, and she snuggles into him gently. She basks in the feel of him being alive, which is something to be grateful for. Their baby perished, but they are both alive. They could always try for another baby. That thought plus Derek's warm body sooths her to sleep. No dreams disturb her.
A nurse, an intern, Bailey, and Teddy arrive at different times to check Derek's vitals and condition. Seeing him with Meredith sleeping so well, they didn't dare wake them. They checked the vitals carefully, knowing he was getting the best sleep he's gotten in recovery. It's around nine when Meredith opens her eyes and smiles while realizing where she is. She tilts her head up to see Derek gazing at her.
"Watching me sleep again," she asks.
"Just for a moment. I woke up right before you did," he answers.
"Sure you did," she says teasingly, still looking at him.
"I did," he declares, pinching her cheek. "Ow," she exclaims before laughing, "That wasn't nice." He laughs at her and says, "I'm glad I can make you laugh. I love your laugh. Anyway…good morning. What a nice surprise it is to wake up with you in my arms."
"I woke up at four something, and I could not get back to sleep. So, I came here, and I knew you could get me back to sleep," Meredith explains, looking away.
"And that's all," Derek wonders. "Meredith, you came all the way here just to go back to sleep? It's not like you have to be here for work. Did you even try getting to sleep on your own?"
"I wanted to be with you," she responds, "Okay… I had a dream, and it was so awful that I couldn't fall asleep."
He strokes her back tenderly and sighs. "I understand. Do you want to tell me about it?"
She lays her head on him and says, "No. I'm better now. I slept good here with you."
"I think I slept good too. I feel so much better when you're here. So, do I get a good morning kiss?"
Meredith grins as she sits up. "Um, I don't know. Do you deserve one?"
"I'm recovering from a severe bullet wound. That is very deserving of any and every kiss I want," he says, making her laugh. He smiles, and she leans in to kiss him very lovingly. "Good morning," she says, pressing her forehead against his.
"Good morning," he replies, "I'm glad you're here."
"You have no idea how glad I am that you're here," she says, feeling grateful again that he's alive.
After lunch, Meredith escapes from her bosses, friends, and husband by getting on an elevator. She is tired of being around everyone as they constantly ask how she is or talk about that horrible day. She just wants to get away and she blindly presses a button.
Stepping out of the elevator, she finds herself on the maternity floor – a place she has dreaded. She did her best today to not think of the baby. She has not cried since that one tear in Derek's room before she climbed into his bed. Despite not wanting to be on this floor, she does not return to the elevator.
She stands frozen for a couple moments and then proceeds to the newborns. She recalls escaping here when she was an intern. That was her and George's thing, and it was very calming during their hectic shifts. This time it wouldn't be so peaceful. She doesn't know why she doesn't just turn around and run off this floor.
She reaches the babies and manages to smile at all of them. Some are sleeping. Others are fussing. She sees an empty bed and figures there's no baby for that one yet. There's no name on the front, but here will be soon. Her mind wonders to her baby being in that bed and Derek standing beside her. They smile at each other and the new life they created. They're happier than she ever thought possible.
Meredith returns to reality and notices a baby girl that looks a bit like her with a full head of dark hair like Derek. She sets her hand on the window as if saying "hi" to the baby. She smiles while watching the baby stir awake for a bit and then going back to sleep. A few quiet tears run down Mer's face. She wipes them away quickly and thinks that babies with Derek would be the most wonderful thing in the world.
She begins walking away from the newborns to head to the pit. She takes one last glimpse of the baby girl and sighs. "May you live an extraordinary life, little one," she whispers.
That night, before heading home, she has a long visit with Derek. They lay in his bed talking. They sneak in some gentle kissing every now and then. They miss each other physically – not just sleeping next to each other but also the sex, which is not close to happening again until Derek is out of the hospital. And even then, they'd have to be very careful. They rejoice in the cuddling because it's a relief to feel so alive together.
"You spend so much time with me. I'm very lucky," Derek says softly.
"Where else do you expect me to be," Meredith wonders.
"Well, I remember a time when you would shut down from such traumatic events and dive into a bottle of tequila," he answers, "You'd be too scared seeing me like this to visit much."
"That was then," she says, "I work through the dark and twisties differently now. And being with you helps a lot. I have downed some tequila but not too much." The truth is: she hasn't had any tequila or alcohol at all. She's too sad to drink, and she doesn't want to let on how awful she feels. Tequila would be obvious. "And Lexi's around to keep me under control," she adds.
"I'm sure Cristina has been around a lot too," Derek assumes.
"Yes. More often than you'd think," she says, "She's not hovering, though. It's just that sometimes I want to be alone."
"Yeah. Be grateful for Cristina and Lexi," he replies, "You'd be worse without them."
"I'm grateful for you, Derek," she says staring into his eyes, "I'm grateful you're alive."
"I know. I'm grateful you're alive," he says, "We're so fortunate to be alive."
Meredith nods her head and runs a hand over his face. "I was terrified of losing you."
He runs a hand through her hair and replies, "I was terrified too. I wanted you to race out of the hospital to safety. But you couldn't do that."
"If I had, you might not be here. I helped save your life, but Cristina is the one who brought you back to me," she says.
"Thank God for her," Derek states, "Thank God we made it through."
Meredith takes a deep breath and glances away. "You have no idea how horrible it was," she says very softly.
"I know," he says, "You watched me get shot. You fought to stop the bleeding. You had to wait while Cristina performed a miraculous life-saving surgery."
Her eyes return to his, and he sees a sadness he hadn't noticed before. She cannot cry right now, so she flashes him a smile and says, "I love you."
"I love you too," he responds, sensing more happened that she's not telling him. She kisses him, and he figures she's not ready to tell him. A look of love comes upon her face, and he smiles softly. "You're the best part of my life," he says, "Can you stay the night, please?"
"I will soon," she answers, "I promise. Tomorrow maybe." She plants some kisses on his cheeks and mouth. "You know I love kissing you?"
Derek chuckles lightly and replies, "Mmhmm. Kissing is what we do best."
"Oh, I'm not so sure about that," she says, "Have you forgotten the sex?"
"Not a chance," he says, "But kissing is something we can do anytime, anywhere. And we're great at it."
She grins and agrees, "Yes, we are." They kiss again long and slow. Afterwards, they lay in silence for a few minutes simply feeling each other breathe. Their hands come together and interlock tightly. Once again, they are happy to be alive.
Meredith feels Derek's breathing become slower and calmer. She slides her fingers from his and holds herself up to see that he has fallen asleep. She slips out of the bed quietly and leans down to kiss his cheek softly. "Sleep tight, my love," she whispers.
Lexi's working the nightshift while Cristina's staying with Owen. So, Meredith's house is dark and empty. She keeps a lamp on downstairs and heads to her bedroom. She smiles, remembering her sweet time with Derek, as she changes clothes. She sits on her bed staring at nothing in particular. She knows that Derek suspects something, and she's glad he didn't push her to tell.
She wonders how she'll sleep tonight and hopes there won't be another dream. Her thoughts return to the baby girl on the maternity floor. It was creepy how much she looked like Derek and her. She was so cute and precious that Meredith wished she was hers. She imagines holding the baby girl in her arms and smiling at Derek. Mer's hands land on her abdomen, and she screams in her head: Why did this have to happen? She breaks down in tears and eventually falls back against the pillows.
She cries for so long that she can't tell. She is very tired as she wipes her tears on Derek's pillow. She rolls over, shuts her lamp off, and stares at her glowing kidney in a jar. This makes her think of Derek and when he gave her the kidney. With that, she lets herself fall asleep.