Scout Curses a Lot
by
dragondolphin1990

Hey, Dumbass Reader! Nice to meet'cha, I s'pose. The name's—

Yeah, yeah, I got it, Bitch-Face. Whatever, man.

So, the Announcer-From-Hell says I ain't to tell yeh my name. God, how'd she even notice. Crazy whore's got ears all over the place. That was the first thing the Dork-Witha-Drawl warned me about before that crazy sonuvabitch Soldier kidnapped me for "briefing." Briefing, my ass. All I learned was that them BLUs're pansies and that I'm a pansy. The Heavy Weapons Fatass agreed. BLU is Baby League United he said. RED is Rude Something-That-Begins-With-E Douches.

Anyway. Like I was tryin' ta say. I'm the Scout. Guess ye'll hafta call me that. I'll miss my fuckin' name, though. My ma gave me that name, and she's a nice lady. Prolly the only woman in the whole damn world who ain't a Psycho Bitch Whore.

What? O'course I kiss Ma with this mouth. You a retard, Dumbass?

I jus' got here, and already, I hate these dicks I'm s'posed'ta call teammates. The base is pretty nice, at least—plenty o' space to run around in. An' the pay's even better. I like the Doc, I guess. He's a quiet fucker. Lets the fatass do all the talkin'. An' Fatass don't talk too much, from what I seen. They's both slow as fuckin' molasses, though. There ain't no one here worth their weight in crap. The Demolition Shithead might be worth his lard in booze. But the fucker's black an' he don't even know jazz. Crazy shit, am I right?

Pyromaniac. Emphasis on maniac. There ain't much to say about that fuckwad. I guess he's nice ta have around when I need a drag and don't have ma lighter. Heard the Spy's got the good stuff. Fancy French cigs. Ain't seen him around though. But I'm sure he's just another damn retard. I can't fuckin' believe I'm gonna be trusting these fools with my life.

I hope they're right about that whole Respawn thing. Pretty kickass. I'll be fuckin' immortal.

Huh, what'd'ya mean, a Sniper? I ain't seen tell of no fuckin' Sniper.

Yo, Truckie, we got a Sniper 'round here?

Guess yer right. Yer still a moron, Reader. I'll go find him, I guess. He might not be entirely fucking useless like the rest of these douches. Got nothin' better to do. I still ain't seen that Spy, either. Maybe they're off smokin'. Without me. Fuckers. Yeah, I'd better go find that Sniper bastard. He better not be hoggin' all the cigarettes.

.

Oh, oh, god! That's some messed up shit. Do they got such a thing as eye bleach? Oh, god! That is some fuckin' unnatural shit. I swear to god. Fuck, man! God, it's like a fuckin' reality show. You just can't fucking look away from this crazy-ass shit. How do they even…?

And of course that queer ass gay fag Sniper don't have no cigs fer me.