A/N: Hey, guys! Crack fics are always needed. Anyway, I did my best to make sure Kakashi, Asuma, and Gai weren't too OOC. xp Enjoy!
What a drag.
Shikamaru sighed. He didn't like the chart displaying the matches that would go on in the finals at all. First of all, he'd be up against Dosu. Dosu was creepy, and beating him would be a lot of work. If he managed to win that, it would be even worse. He'd be up against Temari. She was one of the most ruthless fighters he'd ever seen and she'd take even more work to fight against than Dosu, and at that point, he'd be at his limit.
What's worse, she was a fucking girl.
What was with that?
Him always fighting girls?
How troublesome!
"Well, Shikamaru, since there's no way you could lose against someone like Dosu, we should prepare you for your battle against Temari." Asuma smoothly slid next to Shikamaru.
"Yeah? And how do you suppose we do that?" Shikamaru asked.
"They same way someone as smart as you always would. With a strategy. My old friend Kakashi can help."
"What do you mean—" Shikamaru began before Kakashi started.
"I'm going to teach you the art of seduction." Kakashi grinned beneath his mask.
"Um… what?" Shikamaru asked.
"That's right!" Asuma said. "You're gonna distract her by making her fall in love with you, and even then she won't want to hurt you! And then, while she's dreaming of you, you swoop in and make your move! It's the perfect strategy!"
"And then," Kakashi continued. "After the match, you can sweet-talk her by apologizing for hurting her explaining to her that you only did it as a duty to your village, and she'll think you're so noble, you'll get some! 'Cause let's face it, she is pretty hot."
"I'm only thirteen!" Shikamaru rejected.
"I know!" Suddenly, Gai had jumped into the conversation. "Puberty is the power of youth at its finest! Think of it! The strange smells, always being hungry, hair in odd places, the random tightening in your pants near your zippers…!"
"Gai, what the hell?" Shikamaru shouted.
"He's got a good point, you know." Suddenly, Ino was in on this too. She winked. "You know, you aren't all that bad-looking. I could fix you up, make you look nice! I could teach you all the right foods to eat—"
"Did somebody say food?" Chouji cut her off.
Shikamaru sighed.
It was going to be a long month.
One month later—
Shikamaru was not excited for his match. However, being pushed to the ground by Naruto before he could forfeit didn't exactly leave him with many options.
"Well, if you won't move, I will!" Temari was so feisty she began running after him before the match was even called to start! Of course she would.
After running a considerable length, Temari jumped in the air. Damn, she could jump high.
Shikamaru noticed as she was in the air above him that Kakashi had had a point- the upskirt view was not displeasing, those legs were nice, and no one could say that her chest was a disappointing size, not to mention her pretty face and those super deep green eyes- damn it all to hell; she was pretty hot.
Shikamaru sighed. He couldn't lose to a girl, especially not like this, no matter how sexy she was.
What a drag.