Ignorance is Bliss
A/N: This is just a random idea I had from seeing the many pairings people invent for Ulquiorra. It's just a joke.
One-Shot. Minor adult themes.
Although most of the Espada were pleased with the new non-tea beverage served, many still seemed a bit confused with the "meeting." Aizen had said that he wanted their newest guest/prisoner to feel a bit more at home, and he had allowed Gin the liberty of suggesting a "fun" method of bonding. This is how the two red-headed human teenagers, Kurosaki Ichigo and Inoue Orihime, found themselves sitting at the large table, surrounded by ten Espada and three ex-Shinigami captains, as Gin explained the little game.
"Ya say somethin' ya've never done, see?" he grinned. "And then if anyone else has done it, they have ta take a drink. We go 'round, and ya have to drink every time someone says somethin' that ya have done."
"Tch, so we can't just drink it all now?" grumbled Grimmjow, clearing thinking that if he had to sit here in this crowd, he'd rather be drunk.
"Nope, not yet!" Gin wagged a finger at the blue-haired Espada. "Not unless somethin' is called that ya've done." Turning back to the human on his left, he grinned, "Go ahead, Kurosaki-kun."
"Okay..." muttered the other, scratching his head. "So ... I just say anything?"
"That's right," nodded Gin. "Anythin' ya've never done. Or something ya have done, if ya like it like that." He again grinned widely. "Just say, 'I've never...'"
"I've, uh..." Kurosaki frowned. "Um, I've ... never been to America," he said at last.
Over a dozen sets of eyes stared at him blankly. At the far end of the table, Stark alone sighed and took a drink. No one else moved.
"I'm not sure ya quite get it," smiled Gin. "Ya want somethin' that a lot of others have done." He rubbed his chin as a devious smirk spread over his face. "Like this." Clearing his throat, he announced, "I've never wanted to bed Ulquiorra."
The Fourth Espada's eyes snapped forward, and a light frown graced his features, but Gin simply started chuckling. Before Ulquiorra could speak, his attention was drawn to his left as two Espada raised their glasses. Gin's chuckling was the only verbal sound as both the Fifth and Sixth took a drink. Ulquiorra just stared at them in shock. Of the two, Grimmjow at least had the decency to look moderately embarrassed, not willing to meet the Cuatro Espada's eyes, but Nnoitra simply smirked at his superior. Ulquiorra turned his gaze forward again, clearly uncomfortable now, but his eyes again opened in shock as, across from him, both humans discreetly lifted their glasses and drank. Ulquiorra stared, and Gin continued to titter. This time, at least, both avoided his gaze, seeming to be avoiding everyone else's gaze too.
Gin's laughter increased slightly in volume, and the green gaze of the Espada in question turned again as more of his comrades moved. He didn't seem as shocked as might have been expected when Szayel drank, but the sight of Hallibel swallowing and replacing her glass seemed to shake him. The Third Espada merely spared him a glance and a shrug before crossing her arms again, apparently bored. Ulquiorra's horror at seeing Yammy lift his hand was abated only slightly when he saw that there was no glass in it. The Tenth Espada scratched his head in confusion.
"So," he began, "does it count if we just wanted to sleep in the same bed with him? Or is it just if we wanted sex?"
"For this one," replied Gin, pausing his cackling momentarily to answer, "just sex."
"Oh," acknowledged Yammy. He lowered his hands and crossed his arms again, not drinking.
Ulquiorra looked like he wasn't sure whether to be relieved or not.
When Gin began to laugh yet again, louder than before, Ulquiorra's eyes moved to stare in absolute shock and horror as his lord and master calmly lifted his own glass and drank. The expression of fear and almost betrayal on the pale Espada's features was not allayed by the calm, gentle smile which Lord Aizen granted him as he lowered his glass. Almost trembling now, Ulquiorra again lowered his eyes to his lap as Gin's chuckling decreased only slightly and the fair-haired Shinigami lifted his own glass.
Gin's swallow was interrupted, however, and the alcohol he had imbibed was spewn across the table and he began to choke, while Ulquiorra's eyes again displayed absolute shock and disbelief (though his weren't the only ones this time), as, to the surprise of all present, the dark-skinned, blind Shinigami captain lifted his own glass and drank likewise.
For the time it took for Gin to recover, the green eyes of Aizen's favorite remained fixed on his unseeing superior, clearly in shock. Only when Aizen spoke did he rouse himself sufficiently to again drop his gaze, refusing to look at anyone present.
"Now, Gin," smiled Lord Aizen. "It doesn't count if you spit it out."
"Of course, Lord Aizen," gasped Gin, quickly regaining his customary grin. "I was jus' taken a bit by surprise, don' ya know?" With that, he cleared his throat, took a drink, set down his glass, and turned to smile at the Primera, sitting to his right.
Stark looked at Gin and shrugged.
"Well, now you've made it easy," he said sleepily. "I've never wanted to see Ulquiorra naked."
The clatter of a chair being overturned was immediately followed by footsteps leaving the room as the Fourth disappeared rather abruptly through the doorway, his exit followed by even more laughter from Gin.
It seemed that there were some things that even the Cuatro Espada preferred not to know.