Disclaimer: Fortunately, I don't own these characters and don't have to worry about their fate [:

"Bella," Edward hesitantly spoke, "I've been meaning to tell you something for quite a while now.

"Yes," I asked, expecting one of his lovely surprises, "What is it dear?"

"Well, sweetie, I am a little sorry to say, but Rosalie as helped point out some very annoying qualities of you."

My face went blank.

"Oh, Edward, I thought you were ever so unconditionally in love me as I am you?" I hoped.

"Unconditional… not quite," he chuckled, "You're actually almost as annoying as Jessica… and I can't even read your thoughts,"

"Whaaat?" I whimpered.

"I don't think it's your fault," he tried, "I know you barely talk to her at all, but I think you're starting to mock her,"

"No, I am not Edward Cullen," I pressed my chest against his as hard as I could, "You stop this nonsense right now,"

"That's another thing Bella…" He scratched his forehead, "You always try to play so tough with me. It's not even cute. Like, I could easily take a bite of you and end your nagging immediately. I would if I wasn't so damned by Carlisle's ways,"

Edward glared into space, imagining my death.

"Oh, and another thing, Bella," Edward began.

I looked into eyes. Mine were already soaked with tears. I tried to bring him back to his senses.

"You're not very lady like at all,"

I gapped for air and the dreadful tears kept rolling down.

"I mean," Edward looked up into the sky as it started to rain, "I never really expected this person who I was bound to spend the rest of my life with looking anything like…you.

"Of course, you appeal to me… but only in the way that a big juicy steak would appeal to your Dad Charlie," he laughed, "You're not really that attractive… you have a plain face that could use some waxing and a lot of makeup.

"Like, seriously, Bella. Every girl at Forks High School is fairly attractive. Except for you. I mean, of course, I know how when you first moved here every boy wanted to date you… but as time as progressed, the other girls only got prettier and you just got more lazy with your look because you thought you'd always have me no matter what. So it looks to me like the other guys are losing interest."

"How would you know?" I crossed my arms, becoming very tense.

"Oh, I can read their minds, remember?" Edward rolled his eyes, "Actually they all seem ready to ask out Lauren-,"

"No! Not all of them!" I insisted, suggesting Edward himself.

"Well, just about." Edward paused, "Except for Newton. He'll always be that nasty little annoying thing that pops up every now and then. But I think he's coming around to… or I should say, coming out of the closet,"

"Mike is gay?" My face was shocked.

"It's actually quite disturbing the things he thinks when he looks at Jasp-,"

"Well, he must not be completely then. Just yesterday at the shop he was trying to hang out with me this weekend! I think he's bi or something. Bi Mike," I laughed to myself, "We'll call him Bike."

"Quite the contraire, Bella." Edward explained, "Mike admires you. Like a sister… or better yet, an idol- someone to base himself as when his transvestite plan follows through,"

"This is quite depressing, Edward." I sighed, "What about Jacob?"

"I heard he imprinted last week," Edward said casually.

"No! No he didn't! He would have told me!"

Edward ignored my objection, "Now that he's found his other half, he doesn't really need you anymore. He's found all that he's going to need for the rest of his life. He doesn't have to call you,"

It became harder to breathe. Jacob would always be my secret back up plan in case Edward tried to leave me again.

"Well…who is she then?" I hesitated.

"You don't know her," he shook his head, "Sarah's distant cousins I think?"

"Typical."

"Well, I don't know her personally, but even Sam was goo-goo ga-ga over her. I heard she's pretty hot. Supposedly she's skinny, tall, black haired girl. More of an in-law than cousin I think."

"That's disturbing, Edward."

"You've always been the jealous type, Bella,"

Edward held me close, his mouth at my neck. I was too weak to back away, "So… now that I'm done explaining why I don't love you anymore, I am going to eat you-,"

And that's the last of my human life I could remember.

Chapter 2 Later – Heaven.