'And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.' Anais Nin
~0i0~
Frowning, Vala paced the tile floor of the locker room, intermittently grumbling to herself. This was her hideout when she was mad at Daniel. When she wasn't ready to talk. When her feelings were hurt. When she wanted no one to know she was vulnerable. Not Vala Mal Doran! Never would she be vulnerable!
This argument today, over some short little gnome like goddessy figurine, made no sense - like all the other arguments they seemed to be having daily now. Something had changed between them and she wasn't sure she was ready to face that.
She stopped pacing and with forehead against the cold tile wall she took a deep breath and tried to arrange her words so when she faced that blue eyed handsome demon she would know what to say.
No words came. Tired of standing, Vala took a seat on the bench.
Well, actually there were plenty of words just not anything that Vala felt could be categorized as normal.
Alright, darling, she thought, every single time I tried to leave, with great planning and stealth that no one knew about, I failed. I take one look at you, hear your soft caring voice and I just can't do it! And my only thought with that Ori body snatch and Tomin was to come home... home to you. No, couldn't stand being away from you.
Daniel... It's not like I could stalk you, corner you and yell out, 'You make me crazy! On my wedding night I squeezed my eyes shut and pretended Tomin was you. Every touch, every kiss! No, really, I couldn't say that!
I can't tell you that every time we're together and I think this is it, this is about us I see you looking off, probably thinking about HER. The one you loved.
"Ugh!" Vala jumped up. "I love you," she said out loud, "but I know, I know what's going on between us is just some sort of thingie, like fringe benefits or is it friends welfare? I'm so confused. I have to do this. I have to leave. Or stay. Or figure out what to do!"
~0i0~
After searching for Vala an hour since their last fight, frustration paramount, Daniel scurried into his office to be stopped dead in his tracks.
Vala lay across his desk.
"What's going on here?" He demanded.
"Resting?"
"With you and me, what's going on with you and me?" He moved quickly and stood over her looking down with the typical Dr. Jackson scowl. ''You're, you're acting... er, mad and you've been doing it all, all week long! After, after well, after us. And things. Things yesterday. And other days... er... nights."
She sat up suddenly causing him to stumble back. "Like Kissing? Touching? Dating? Snuggling? Laughing?"
"Yeah, so what? That's what couples do."
Scooting off the side of his desk, Vala flipped her hair and glared. "For months and months? Oh! And months? I just realized you, Dr. Daniel Jackson, could never really love someone else. And certainly not the way you loved her!"
Daniel blanched and took another step back.
With a practiced smirk, Vala pointed in Daniel's face. "Ah, I see. I have crossed the border into your sacred past. I will even mentioned her name. Sha're. There, I said it! Daniel I know I can never compare. I can never, ever be loved by you – deeply as... as... Never mind! I just can't compete with a ghost!"
First his face went blank. Then a nearly invisible flush of anger touched his cheeks before it dissipated. And finally a small smile. "Vala," he said but before he could continue she walked around him and turned at the door.
"Let me finish, Daniel. I wasn't even trying to steal your heart. Or I didn't mean to try. I never realized how much I cared for you until I tried to leave, or was snatched away. Now I'm really done, just thought to try one more attempt so that when I am gone I will have no regrets."
"Okay." He backed up and perched his six on his desk. "Go ahead. Say what you have to say. That would be remarkable, since you hold your feelings and thoughts so tight I never know how you feel."
"Me! God you're such an ass." Standing there, defenseless Vala wished she hadn't started this and contemplated turning and running away. Taking a step forward though, standing tall, arms loose at her side she began. "The way we've been lately, the way you touch me, the way you kiss me, I... I thought, maybe you... well I was wondering if you could actually love again... Never mind, I'm... well I could never trust you, or open my heart to be broken again. So... I'm sorry, Daniel..."
She hadn't realized he'd moved closer until he took her face in his hands. Voice low and intimate he told her, "You're right. I could not love you like I loved Sha're because, Vala, I am not that man any longer. If I could have lived on Abydos my whole life I might have remained that man. But I didn't. I came back, shattered and not even wanting to live if I could not find her." His thumb brushed at a single tear she tried to blink away.
"This me, it turns out," he kissed her temple, "loves you, Vala, loves you deeply. More deeply than I have ever loved. I suspect that had we, Sha're and I, lived on, we would have arrived at this place of love. A place of trust. A place to build new lives. A place where our hearts are open across all borders, all boundaries. Nothing left to hide. Vala, will you stay? Will you stay forever with me?"
His face so close, his mouth hovered over hers, his eyes open, watching for the answer. He didn't have to wait long.
Those silver orbs of hers lit up sparkling with tears. Joyful tears. "Yes." she whispered, "Y..."
He took her last word in a soft, but passionate kiss.
~END