The Email
I Own Nothing
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It was just another morning for Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III. He was sitting in his penthouse in Hollywood, sipping a cup of coffee, and checking the Fan Mail inbox on his computer. After having had great success in literature, the movies, and on television, he got quite a lot of mail every day from fans. He got emails, letters, postcards, invitations, tweets, texts, small gifts, big gifts, voice mail, all from people who loved his work and wanted to tell him so. Today was no different. The new emails asked him when the next series or film would come out, if at all, the ones from Fan Girls asked if he was still single, and if 'yes' then was he available Friday night, people wanted to know if he and Astrid were getting married and when, if Camicazi was jealous, how much money did he make, what was his shoe size, did he really have a metal leg, how was Toothless, was Toothless real, and so on and so forth.
And then of course were questions like if he liked basketball, did he gamble, what was his favorite brand of cheese, who did he vote for, what movies did he like, was he friends with Harry Potter, would he work for Disney if they offered him a part, what coffee and teas did he like best, had he been to Rome, had he been to Copenhagen, how could he still be a Viking when Viking's had not been around for centuries, why didn't he legally change his name, did the Minnesota Football mascot offend him, and so on and so forth.
Every day there was always something new and crazy to read. The trick was to never take any of it too seriously. Yet even he could not always follow that rule, for that morning he had opened a new email and read:
"Dear Hiccup,
"You should know that I really love your work, but I think your voice is annoying. Could you maybe tone it down a bit in your next role?"
Hiccup at first just snorted and moved on, but his thoughts kept coming back to the email. So his voice was annoying, was it?
Was it?
He suddenly could not stand the thought anymore, so he picked up his phone and picked a contact number.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Jay, it's Hiccup,"
"What?"
"Hiccup!"
"Maybe you should drink some water,"
"No, Jay, its Hiccup!"
"Oh…OK, Mom, I told you to stop doing these prank calls—"
"Jay, it's me, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the III! The guy you voice in the How to Train Your Dragon Series!"
"Oh, Hiccup! Sorry, I thought this was a prank call or something. Well, what's up? Did DreamWorks call? Are we doing the next movie finally?"
"No—"
"Race to the Edge Season 6? Or is it Season 4? I'm never sure."
"I don't know—look, Jay, I'm calling because I got an email. Says they find my voice too annoying and would like me to 'tone it down a bit in my next role.'"
"What? They think your voice is annoying?"
"And by extension, yours,"
"What! My voice sounds just fine!"
"Apparently not,"
"Oh really? Well listen here: 'Now is the winter of our discontent/made glorious summer by this—'"
"Cut the Shakespeare, Jay. This is serious. We've got a complaint, and if one person complains they might all start doing that. Then people won't go to see our movies, profits will start slipping, DreamWorks will take notice, and we're both out of a job. Unemployed just like Shreck and Mike Myers! So what are we gonna do?"
"Who sent the email?"
Hiccup mentally slapped himself for not checking earlier. "Let's see…oh my gosh! It's from America!"
"You mean the Government? Haven't they got bigger things to worry about?"
"No, America Ferrera!"
"Astrid's voice actress? Well, we'll just see about that!" Hiccup could hear him picking up another phone while muttering "So she thinks my voice is annoying, does she? I wanna know what she has to say for herself. Hello, America? It's Jay Baruchel,"
"Hey, Jay, what's up?"
"Why do you think Hiccup's voice is annoying?"
"Yeah, why do you think my voice is annoying?" Hiccup added from his end. "You've never minded it before!"
"What brought this up?" America Ferrera asked from her end.
"Your email,"
"My email? What email? I haven't sent any emails to you! I think your voice is just—hold on, I've got an incoming call—hello?"
"Hello, America, this is Astrid Hofferson. Why do you think my boyfriend's voice is annoying?"
"I don't!"
"Then why'd you send an email to him and me saying so?" Astrid demanded. Hiccup glanced at the screen and saw the email also had Astrid's address.
"I didn't!"
"A likely story!" Jay shouted into his phone.
"Is this because I said I didn't like your outfit at the second movies wrap party?" Hiccup asked.
"I didn't send any email complaining about Hiccup's voice!"
"My voice too!" Jay added sharply.
"Well if you didn't, than who did?" Astrid demanded.
"I don't know?"
"A likely story!" Jay said again.
"I'm hanging up,"
"Look, America, I swear, I only thought the red shoes didn't go well with the dress!" Hiccup insisted.
"Hiccup, I didn't send the email and I don't care if you don't like how I dress!"
"America, don't you realize that if one person complains they might all start complaining! Astrid will probably be arrested on multiple assault charges, then people won't go to see our movies, profits will start slipping, DreamWorks will take notice, and we're all out of a—"
"What d'ya mean I might get arrested on multiple assault charges!" Astrid shouted.
"Because you can't take criticism—and I've still got the bruises to prove it!"
"One more word out of you and I'm gonna come over and throw you through a wall, boyfriend or not!"
"You just proved my point!" Hiccup said triumphantly.
"That's it!"
"Hang on, you can't come over here, I used five words, not one!"
"Now you're gonna get it!"
"Will you two knock it off?" America shouted, "This isn't helping!"
"Well sending an email complaining about my voice didn't help either!"
"For the last time, I didn't send it!"
"WELL THEN WHO DID!?" Jay screamed.
"I DON'T KNOW!" America screamed back.
On the side of the road, in a red Porsche, Fishlegs Ingerman and Christopher Mintz-Plasse clicked their coffee mugs together. "Cheers!"
"We'll pay for this once they find out, you know,"
"They won't find out," Fishlegs assured him. "Besides, you only live once!"
"Very true. So, who should we go after next?"
"We convince Snotlout that Natalie Portman's in love with him!"
"Nah, I don't wanna do that to Natalie."
"Ok…how about Vivian Leigh then?"
"Isn't she dead?"
Fishlegs Ingerman grinned. "Exactly! Then Snotlout will think he's getting emails from her ghost, and you know how superstitious he is!"
Christopher Mintz-Plasse grinned too. "Let's do it!" But they delayed a little longer so they could listen to the screaming still coming from Hiccup's house.
THE END
Please Don't Sue Me!