[SPOILER ALERT: This story takes place during Season 3 Episode 3. So if you haven't seen it you may not want to read!]
It's not really a lot of spoilers, and you don't need the context of the rest of the series to really get the idea of what's going on, but I do mention some of the bigger plot events in passing, so if you're super invested in the series but haven't seen Season 2 or 3, don't read! If you choose to ignore the above warning, I refuse to be liable for spoiling the story for you.
I can still feel the knife in my hand; the hatred running through my body in hot, crushing waves as I stared into those cold, grey eyes; my knife against her throat.
There had been an initial flash of surprise across her features, but she recovered quickly, and even under the pressure of a knife against her jugular, The Commander's face was as unflinching as ever. It was as cold and unapologetic as it had been that night she turned her back on me and my people. Another wave of hatred pushed through me, but it still hadn't been enough for me to force my hand forward.
Then, The Commander's stoic face had broken, only slightly, just enough for me to see Lexa underneath her hard features. The Lexa she was when it was just her and I, and there were no Grounders to see her weaknesses.
"I'm sorry," was all she said. But it was all she had to say. Everything else, I read in her eyes.
The Commander regretted nothing; The Commander had done what was best for her people. But Lexa, the girl underneath the armor of The Commander, was truly sorry.
I had dropped the knife and turned away in frustration. Damn you, Lexa. That had been the moment I realized, I couldn't kill Lexa. The Commander, maybe, but not Lexa, not when they were one and the same.
Even worse, she was right. I don't hate her, not really. At least, not as much as I hate myself. She did what she did for her people, because it was her duty. And deep down I was pretty sure I would have done the same thing. If there's one thing I've learned since hitting the ground, though, it's that you never know what you're capable of doing until you're in the moment.
I never thought I could keep a group of delinquent kids alive, I never thought I'd be able to make a treaty with our worst enemy, I never thought I'd be capable of taking some else's life, especially when that someone else was the one I loved. Damn, that was The Commander's fault, too, wasn't it?
Again, though, deep down, I knew it really wasn't. It was my fault. He broke because he thought I had been killed. Again, I accepted the fact that I hated myself more than I hated her, if only briefly. The Commander was involved in almost every bad thing that I had done since coming groundside, but, in the end, in each moment, I had made the choice.
I didn't like what had happened, but Finn had made his choices, too. He had the blood of innocents on his hands, and there was a price to pay for it. I would have demanded payment, too, if it had been my people's blood.
Lexa had learned this long ago, but I was finally coming to terms with it. When I became the de facto leader of 'Skycrew', I lost all rights to innocence. No matter how much I wanted to be the good guy, if I wanted to keep my people alive down here, it was up to me to make the hard choices; to take those choices as my own so that others didn't have to.
That was what made Lexa so intoxicating to be around. Lexa understood that in order to save my people, I had to be 'Wanheda,' even if I abhorred the idea of being the commander of death. I'm not sure if Lexa hates The Commander as much as I hate Wanheda, but at least she understands.
We both knew that if Wanheda was what it would take to keep my people alive, then Wanheda I would be. Because if what it took to save my people was to kill every man, woman, and child in Mount Weather who wasn't Skycrew, I would do it. Just like if what it took to protect her people was to walk away from someone she cared about, The Commander would do it. Because our duty was to our respective people first.
My people, Her people, that's why all of this started, because we can't see our people as each other's people. Ever since the jungle monster incident, I knew Lexa and I could be near unstoppable together, and I think she knew from the moment she met me. But as long as her duty was to her people, we could never truly work together.
That's why, even though I hated her, I stopped The Commander, "Wait."
When she turned around, I knew it was The Commander, not Lexa, who was looking back at me. So, I kept things short, "I have a better idea." Her hard grey eyes softened for a moment, a glimmer of hope flashed in Lexa's eyes before The Commander's face returned.
She was so adept at being The Commander after what had happened to Costia that it almost consumed her entire being, but that flash of hope was all I needed to fully commit. Lexa was still in there, and I needed her just like she needed me.
I hadn't quite forgiven Lexa yet and I know I didn't trust her completely, but if we continued along our current path, there would be no more Clarke or Lexa. There would only be Wanheda and The Commander, and we would destroy each other, in the name of our people, until nothing was left.
I had been clouded by grief and hatred, but Lexa had seen this clearly and had come up with a plan both for her sake and for mine. My people had to be her people and her people mine. That was the only way we'd be able to work together to take down the Ice Nation and any others who dared threaten us.
More than that, though, I needed her to still be Clarke, and I so desperately wanted to leave Wanheda behind and be Clarke again. I know my family and Bellamy would still see me as Clarke, but they would never understand that I would still have to be Wanheda to all who looked upon me if I wanted Skycrew to survive.
I was Wanheda, but I was still Clarke, too, and only Lexa saw that I was miserable but stronger as both. Just as she was stronger as The Commander and Lexa.
If she betrayed me again, it would be a harsh blow to me and my people. However, if I didn't do this, both of our people would be at war until one of us was destroyed. Even if we reached a treaty at the Summit tonight, it wouldn't last forever.
That's why I told her, "We'll become your 13th Clan. Wanheda will bow to you, The Commander of the Coalition, but you have to swear to me that you will treat my people as your own."
I had seen both The Commander and Lexa's face when she responded, "I will, Clarke. We don't have much time now, but after the Summit, if all goes well, I will bow to you and promise to be The Commander you and your people deserve." Her face faltered completely into Lexa, "We will stand together, Clarke, and protect both our people. As one. As we should have from the beginning."
Her eyes searched mine and for a second, we were Clarke and Lexa, and I knew it was her way of saying that she should have stayed by my side that night at The Mountain even if we both understood her duty required her to leave. In that moment, I knew she meant what she said, but only the future would tell if she could keep her word. Too quickly, though, the moment passed, and we were The Commander and Wanheda again, proud and cold. We had work to do.
"Good. We have a Summit to attend. Take me to my mother, and after the Summit we can finish this discussion. I assume you'll need someone to stay as an Ambassador and symbol of our new union?"
"Yes. Let us go. Your mother is probably getting restless. We'll have more time to talk later."
And with that, we had departed, and here I was getting dressed in the manner of Lexa's people – my people – in preparation for the Summit.
No, I couldn't forgive The Commander, and it would take time for me to trust Lexa completely, but I was resolved in the fact that I didn't hate her. In one moment, with my knife against her throat, I realized I could never hate Lexa. Looking back, though, I think I could have realized it during that moment we shared in her tent if I had let myself.
I hadn't been ready for it then, and I wasn't ready for it now, but our lives were intertwined. Whatever our pasts put between us, it wasn't going to change the fact that I needed her as much as she needed me.
A/N After watching episode 3.3, this little one shot popped in my head. Most of Clarke and Lexa's encounters don't involve a lot of talking, but they're so charged with conflicting emotions that I thought they deserved a deeper explanation of the thoughts behind their actions. This may or may not prove to be accurate as the season progresses, but it's how I imagine Clarke's thoughts and how I see both of the characters.
I don't do a lot 1st person writing..none actually, so please let me know what you think! Kinda liked it? Absolutely hated it? I'd love to know!
-Lynn