Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or its characters, as much as I wish I did; the show and all of its content goes to its respective owners.
A/N: Hi, y'all! Thanks a billion for reading; it means the world to me! Please take a second at the end to review, I'd really appreciate some feedback. This is set at the end of s5ep10, Abandon All Hope
Dean stared hard into the flames, her image blurring, the burning of his still eyes less profound then the thoughts that burned in his mind, the intense, searing pain in his heart. His expression was stony, as he had honed over his many pain-filled years, and it hid his emotions.
But it was harder than usual to keep the mask on. He could hardly believe she was gone, could still remember the day they'd met like it had been minutes before. His nose throbbed with the memory. Dean blinked and looked down.
He shouldn't have let her go with them in the first place, should never had involved either Jo or her mother. Now two women he cared deeply for were lost to him, forever. He'd never see Jo smile again outside of his memories, or the way her eyes lit up in the adrenaline of a hunt. Why hadn't his mind allowed his feelings to surface before tonight?
Before—this. Dean could express how he felt in saying that it was like a large chunk of his heart had been removed and thrown into that fire along with their last picture together. He hadn't wanted it to be burned but also hadn't been able to speak up. His throat had felt swollen and dry; words refused to escape come from it in time to tell Bobby to leave the photograph as it had been, tacked to the wall.
He thought of Jo's face, her bravery through her tears, wanting so badly to save them. He couldn't make himself—he couldn't let himself believe that it was to save him more than Sam. They were just friends, and ones that argued a lot, at that. But when this crossed Dean's mind he felt something deep inside his chest. It seemed to move towards his heart, and he knew what he was feeling. Regret. He'd never had the chance to be with Jo, to hold her.
He could feel her lips still, faint on his from exhaustion, and it made him swallow, glancing at the carpet. The world had lost two amazing women, both of which he had no words to describe to the extent they deserved. He wished Jo hadn't stopped for him. That she'd kept running. That they all had. They'd be safe, and would have only lost one person rather than a mother and her daughter. Why did he get to live—saved countless times, both he and Sam—while Ellen and Jo, who hardly hunted, had to die? It seemed the world hated them, making one of her first injuries the most fatal.
Dean wanted to smash his fist into the wall, while at the same time feeling the last of his energy trickle out. He'd been running on fumes for the past couple hours after the explosion, pure and now teetering adrenaline. He hardly ever became sore anymore, after so many years of training and work, but he thought that the next morning, not only would his muscles be stiff—his chest, his heart, would feel tight as well.
She was so beautiful. And now she was gone.
Dean turned away from the burnt logs, her image long gone into ashes, flames faded. Sam reached out a hand to hold his shoulder, but Dean moved it from his brother's grasp, unable to handle anything at the moment, and went into the kitchen for a beer before he attempted sleep. He sat at the table, his hand a fist on the table. When he thought again of Jo his hand slammed angrily onto the table.
"Bastard," he muttered to the God he didn't believe in, and—if tonight were proof—for good reason. He cursed again, squeezing his thumb and pointer finger into the corners of his eyes to keep his tears from escaping. He breathed in and out roughly; it hurt to breathe. Licking his lips after a sip of beer Dean pushed a hand through his hair, then shoved away from the table, leaving the half-empty bottle. He began his walk up the staircase and had to stop a few steps up to regain control over his overwhelming emotions, his grip tight on the railing. With a shaky breath out, he started again.
God, I love you, Jo.