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I was drunk and high and I just started driving, no idea where I was going but I took Wayne's truck so I knew it'd be a while before he could come looking for me. I drove around and around the familiar streets, not even really seeing the road.
Today had been a long day. Clays funeral was this morning...I almost regret not going. The only person that came for him was Unser, he may have been an asshole but he deserved more of a farewell than just one man. I should have been there, but I just...I couldn't bring myself to go. I hated funerals. Tomas' had nearly killed me..watching them lower him into the ground in this tiny little box...and then JT..well that had been bad enough, she didn't think she could handle watching them throw dirt on some plain pine box that would be his final resting place. She was strong, but even she had her limits.
But that was all before 10am and if I thought my morning was bad that was only the beginning of a /really/ fucking bad day. Then Nero, chooses today of all days to be a prick and go and dump me..I really thought he loved me, I thought I could trust him..and then Tara was trying to take me boys away and this time she was gettin real close to doin just that, she had ratted on Jax. Betrayed the father of her children, gave him up to the Feds...I can't think of anything lower.
I kicked myself for not sticking with my gut and gettin rid if her when I had the chance. Ever since she came back everything I had spent so many years building had turned to shit. Clay, Jax, the club, and all of it could in some way all of it could be traced back to that little bitch. If she could've just kept her mouth shut and kept her nose out of old shit none of this would've happened, we would've been whole. Our family wouldn't be half dead and half dying
That said, I was still conflicted. Tara had become like a daughter to me over the last few years and though we've had our differences I did love her deeply. Before I even knew where I was I found myself using the spare key to open the door to Jax's house. I guess I was goin to see the boys, just outta habit really.
I knew they wouldn't be there. I went straight to Able's room to find it cleared out, drawers empty, toys gone. I sighed heavily and sat down on the bed just thinking about his smile, his laugh...the way he walked like his father.. I didn't know how long I'd been there when I heard the door open, I came out to see who it was to catch a glance of feet entering the kitchen.
I went through the back way to give myself time to think of a plan. I didn't see who it was but if it was a cop I was gonna need to think of a reason for being here. When I made my appearance known I saw that it wasn't a cop at all but in fact the woman that had been on my mind all day. She just stared at me in shock, fear radiating off of her like bad perfume, she tried to run but I grabbed her, hit her with the iron. After that it was all kind of a blur, she tried to fight me off but I just kept hitting her, the adrenalin pumping in my veins being to strong to allow me to think clearly, I just saw red and in my rage I didn't even know what I was doing, I held her head under the water and then...
When I put the fork down and looked at what I'd done I felt myself almost ready to throw up..I had killed her.. The mother of my grandbabies was laying dead in a puddle of her own blood at my feet I backed away as I felt myself start to panic
'it had to be done, it had to be done' I repeated to myself over and over as I slide down the wall until I sit next to her corpse on the floor.
It was something Clay used to say whenever shit got real bad as a way of ridding some of the guilt that came with awful shit like stabbing your daughter-in-law to death with a fork to the back of her head. I kept saying it but as the realisation of what I had done broke through it was getting harder and harder to keep it together.
Sheriff came charging in, must of heard the noise. What he saw when he found his way into the kitchen stopped him in his tracks 'Jesus' He ran over, tryin to check if she was alive. I could hardly move let alone respond, I was still in shock but I remember hearing asking why, why did I do this
"It had to be done"
I repeated once more
"sh-she betrayed him"
"Tara didn't rat, Jax turned himself in...he did it to protect her"
And just like that it was like all the air had left the room. What had she done? What had she done?! away didn't tell her everything and she just assumed Tara ratted, she hadn't known what she was doing here until it was already too late. Jax would never forgive her for this. She was about to loose everything she had left, everything.
Suddenly she couldn't hear anything, it was like she was stuck in a filter and all she could hear was the sound of her own erratic breathing and the muffled voice of Roosevelt to her left side, when suddenly a bullet cut through he room tearing apart the void she had created for herself.
She looked up to see Juice standing over the body of the now dead Sheriff. He had saved her. She looked up at the man she and Clay had come to see as one of their sons, wondering what he would do next. His loyalties had laid with Jax for the past year or so. He even betrayed Clay for him. Half of her was almost afraid he was going to take retribution for Jax.
Kill her right there, sitting in the middle of a stone cold doctor and newly dead cop. But to her surprise he then offered her his hand to help her to her feet. She let out a relieved, shaky breath, hesitating for a moment before taking his hand. She was scared and he could see it. Gemma had been good to him, more so than even his own mother and he wasn't going to let her take the fall for this. He knew what Jax would do..and he couldn't let that happen, not to Gemma.
He was in Jax's shit list and he knew now that he had a permanent place there. With that new information he regretted more than he could say, not standing by the man that was the closest thing to a father he had ever known. He was a coward and he had betrayed the man that had been so good to him. And now it was time to try and make amends with that ghost. Protecting Gemma is what Clay would want from him and so as the Queen of SAMCRO cried on his shoulder he came up with a plan to separate her completely from what had happened her today.
..This would be their dirty little secret