"Forward thrust. Retreat; parry, left slash. Right slash. Forward—Liseth, for Kingdom Hearts' sake!"
I hear my Guide's exasperated voice chastising me, but my physical concentration is focused on my rear end, which has once again impacted the hard stone floor with the finality of a stone sinking to the bottom of a pool. I let out a tremendous whoof as the breath momentarily exits my lungs, rattled from tail to crown by the impact.
"Come on," Axel sighs, shaking his head. He extends a hand down to me, and I take it, feeling the red rose of humiliation blooming in my cheeks as he hauls me, without grace, back to my feet.
"I'm sorry, Axel," I say, brushing off my black training uniform. "I just… I can't seem to get the hang of doing all these motions in a row." I'm still blushing, but I attempt to keep my voice calm.
"You're going to have to if you want to get anywhere in this Guild," he says, his voice stern. Axel is probably one of the more forgiving members of the Assassins' Guild, but he never hesitates to tell me exactly what will happen to me if I screw up. I don't know if he likes making my stomach try to gnaw itself to death with anxiety, but sometimes, it sure seems like it.
I scowl at him, crossing my arms. "I know that. You've told me a hundred times already. I've got it memorized."
The ghost of a smirk twitches his lips for a second, but then it's gone, and he's all business again. "Then try again. Position."
I roll my eyes and step back into my battle stance, feet planted to support my body, arms loose and ready for motion.
"And… forward thrust!"
My right hand, the one holding the wavy kris knife, shoots forward at him, the dull silver training blade aimed at his chest. The blades we use for practice aren't sharp, but they're still heavy, and getting hit with one doesn't exactly feel good.
He leans back out of reach of my blade, calling "Retreat" as he does so. My arm retracts, and I shuffle my feet slightly, preparing for the move that I know comes next.
"Parry," he calls, bringing up his own, slightly longer training knife in a dazzling sideswipe toward my face. I respond by clumsily throwing up my own arm, and the blades ring off one another with a screech of metal on metal. I make sure to let mine glide—or, at least, attempt to glide—to the left, twisting my body to build up my energy.
"Left slash," Axel instructs, and I whip the dagger back at him from my left, using the full force of my body. He evades the slash easily, and I let my torso rotate to the right, whipping back around at him before I even hear "Right slash."
He ducks under my blade, and I attempt to pull my arm back for the forward thrust, but my body is going in too many different directions at once, my feet oriented now toward the right, my energy swinging me left, and my arm attempting to retract back to my chest.
And then, once again, I'm on my bottom.
Axel's hands lower to rest on his hips, dominant left still clutching his training knife as he looks down at me. I can't tell whether the expression in his turquoise eyes is pity, frustration, or regret, or perhaps a combination of all three. My cheeks flush hot once again.
What am I doing here? I'm a disgrace to him, and a disgrace to this Guild. At this rate, they'll probably throw me back to my House within two weeks. I'm surprised I've even lasted two months…
"Okay, let's just… take a break," Axel huffs, with yet another shake of his head. "We'll train some more after mealtime." His eyes meet mine as I shove myself back to my feet, refusing to let him help me this time.
"Okay," I mumble, looking down quickly. I'm too ashamed to hold his gaze for very long.
He gives me one last, lingering glance, and then he turns and strides out of the room, leaving me alone in silence.
Once he's gone, I slide my training knife back into its slot in the weapon rack that covers the entire western wall of the small room; that done, I slide down into a sitting position against the bare adjacent wall, unwinding the handguards from my palms and internally cursing myself with all of the foulest language that I can muster.
It's been two months since the Rite of Initiation in November; two months since I was separated from my sister, my best friend since the day I was born, and thrown into this hellhole of a Guild.
From the minute I learned about my eventual future, to be decided by the Hand of Light and the Heart of Spells, I was convinced that I would never survive in any Guild where initiates were required to fight. Swordplay has never been my strength; my gift has always lain with magic. I was almost certain that I would be sorted into the Sorcerers' Guild.
Well, I was wrong, wasn't I? The Hand and the Heart made their own decision, and look how well it's turned out.
My internal dialogue is bitter and sarcastic, as it tends to be whenever I think about my skillset. I don't understand why Axel hasn't just given up on me; it would certainly be easier than trying to teach fighting to an unteachable wretch.
A sudden sound distracts me from my self-flagellation; I look up to behold the door to the training room sliding open with the soft slithering of metal rollers on their tracks. Through the door, a tall, lithe figure enters with a slinking, graceful stride. Her long blonde curls are pulled back into a tight ponytail, and when her emerald eyes light on me, her lips twist into a concerned frown.
"Lisi, it's almost time to eat," she says. "What are you doing in here?" She glances at my hands, and adds, "By the way, I think you can stop unwinding that. It's off."
I cast a perfunctory look down at my lap, letting the tie of my right handguard fall limp against my shins. I hadn't realized I was aimlessly playing with it.
"I'm not hungry, Umi," I mumble, looking back up, but not into her eyes. "Go on without me. Riku will be waiting for you."
My closest friend in the Guild shakes her head, sliding forward with that catlike walk until she is right next to me. She sinks into a crouch at my side, her head tilted slightly sideways in a curious pose.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
"Nothing," I answer automatically, starting to unwind my left handguard in an attempt to evade the question.
"Liseth." Her tone is flat and frank. "Come on. I can tell when something's bothering you. What is it? Did you and Axel have an argument?"
"Not exactly," I sigh, pulling the leather cords loose and sliding the semi-gauntlet off of my wrist. I flex my fingers to relieve my stiff joints, letting the blood make its way back to my fingertips.
"Then what is it?" Umi prods. "You can tell me. If it's a secret, I won't tell."
I glance at her. "You wouldn't understand."
"Try me," she invites.
I huff. "Fine. I'm going to be thrown out into the streets because every time I attempt even the simplest fighting maneuver, I fall on my butt. I'm a failure and a disgrace to my House and this Guild." I cross my arms, one eyebrow raised. "Happy?"
She rolls her eyes at me. "You're a drama queen."
"I told you that you wouldn't understand," I say, shaking my head.
"Liseth, you're getting better," she insists. "Really, you are. You make more progress every day. They're not going to throw you out; just give it a little time. You'll be fine."
I sigh, not even bothering to argue this time. "If you say so."
"Come on," she says, gripping me by the wrist and pulling me to my feet. "It's time to eat, and I'm starving."
I relent, finally, relinquishing my protestations, and she leads me out of the room and down the corridor.
We find our two Guides already waiting for us upon reaching the dining hall. Riku and Axel sit side by side, engaged in animated conversation; both, however, look up as we approach, and Riku gives a small wave, which Umi returns. We take our seats on the initiates' side of the table across from them. I do not meet Axel's intense gaze.
"How did training go for you?" Riku asks, brushing a lock of silvery hair out of his eyes and glancing at me. I flush and look down, avoiding his question.
"She's improving," Axel answers for me, although his tone is far from enthusiastic.
"O…kay, then," Riku replies, raising one eyebrow. "You guys should be less optimistic; your cheerfulness is killing me."
"Sarcasm is really not helpful," Axel says, rolling his eyes.
"Maybe not from your point of view," Riku replies, shrugging. "I find it a soothing mental exercise and an effective release of stress."
"And I find it annoying, so shut up," Axel snaps.
There is a moment of silence; Riku appears taken aback, but finally, he shakes his head and continues on like nothing has happened.
That's the thing about living in the Assassins' Guild. No one ever says 'I'm sorry.'
"What did you work on?" he asks, steepling his fingers and resting his chin on them.
"Can we please just…not talk about training?"
I don't even realize that I've spoken up until I notice that all three of them are staring at me; Umi wears an exasperated expression, Riku one of puzzlement, and Axel… well, it's always hard to determine what he's thinking.
"What else are we supposed to talk about?" Riku finally asks, sounding slightly uncertain. "Training is basically all we do."
"And isn't it fun?" asks Umi. I can't tell if she's being sarcastic or not, but since Axel narrows his eyes at her, I decide that it's probably the former.
"I don't know," I say, shrugging. "There's got to be something else." I think hard for a moment, racking my brains. The others all watch me in slightly pensive silence, as if regarding a ticking time bomb about to explode. Their gazes make me uncomfortable, but what I lack in physical prowess, I can certainly attempt to compensate for in powers of mental intimidation. I ignore their stares, focusing on my thoughts.
Finally, I glance around at them, shaking my head a little. "Couldn't we talk about our lives before we came here to the Guild? We weren't training back then."
Riku and Axel exchange a glance, and Umi watches them. I can tell that she approves of my suggestion, but the Guides both seem wary, their eyes darting around the dining area.
"What?" I ask, scanning the room for myself in case I missed something that I was supposed to see. "Did I do something else wrong?"
At that, Axel scowls slightly. "Stop that. And no, not technically; you didn't break any rules. We just… we don't really talk about the past here."
"It's better to forget," Riku adds seriously. "We're trying to forge new identities for ourselves, and a new future."
Umi remains silent, and I'm sure she's glad that she said nothing now, because I can feel myself deflating like a helium balloon.
Right. That's another screw-up I'll have to be careful of. No more asking if we can talk about the past, because the past doesn't matter. House Aotora doesn't matter, and Mama doesn't matter, and Dad doesn't matter, and… Zanna. She doesn't matter anymore. This is the new me. The Assassin me.
Except that it's not. I'm still just the same old Liseth wearing a brand-new name tag, and adding an X won't make me any more of an Assassin.
"Got it," I say, exhaling. "No talking about the past. Won't happen again."
Suddenly, Axel slams his hands down on the table, a fierce look blazing in those sea-bright eyes.
"I'm done," he growls.
"We haven't even eaten," Riku says, sounding slightly confused.
"Yeah, I don't care." My Guide shakes his head. "I'll eat later." He stands up, turning and somehow managing to exit without his feet making a single sound on the stones beneath them, though that's less of a feat in the crowded dining hall than it would have been in a training room.
"Well, all right," Riku murmurs, shaking his head and watching the direction that Axel went for a moment before turning back to Umi and me with a shrug of the shoulders. "What's eating him?"
"He hates me," I say simply.
Riku nearly chokes, his eyebrows shooting up nearly to his hairline. "What?"
"Well, it's true," I say. "I can't do anything right. I must embarrass him regularly. Perhaps even hourly."
"And here we go again, ladies and gentlemen," Umi says sarcastically. "Liseth, would you please let up on yourself? You've only been here for two months!"
"The same amount of time as you have!" I shoot back. "You're so far ahead of me that you could be my Guide if you wanted to!"
Riku snorts almost audibly. "Uh, no, she couldn't."
Umi sticks her tongue out at him. "Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, sensei," she says, though without any real bite. Turning back to me, she continues. "Really, though, Liseth; I'm nowhere near skilled enough to be anyone's Guide. I'm barely even picking up on the basics."
"Yeah, well, I'm not picking up on them at all!" I huff, frustration sharpening my tone to a razor edge. "I can barely even hold a knife, let alone use it! I'm a disgrace!"
"Just give it time," Riku says, looking over at me. His aquamarine eyes, like the rest of his smooth, pale face, reflect a weirdly soothing calm that always seems to radiate from him like heat or light from the sun.
"Everyone says that!" I say, throwing up my hands. "How much time should I give it, Riku? Another week? A month? Until they throw me out?"
"They won't throw you out," he says, rolling his eyes. "Trust me, we've had initiates who caught on way more slowly than you. You'll be fine."
He's not really listening. None of them ever really listen.
None of them understand.
I rise, shaking my head slowly. "I'm not hungry either."
"Oh, no," Umi says, reaching for my wrist. "I just got you down here; you are not pulling an Axel on us and storming out of here in a melodramatic huff."
I flick my wrist out of her reach before she can grab it, sliding off of the seat and… right onto my rear end, again. I don't even know how I tripped this time; all I know is that the stones are cold and my cheeks are flushed hot and Riku is trying his best to stifle a surprised laugh, but I can see it anyway.
Embarrassed and indignant, I rise to my feet and brush imaginary dust particles off of my training clothes; without another word, I turn and stalk out in the direction that Axel exited, feeling my humiliation burning brands into my cheeks with every step.