"It hurts to hurt you"
"Koushiro, I love you."
The scene kept playing over and over in his mind. Him, standing there, barely registering what his friend was saying. The mix of emotions on his friend's face as he told him his feelings. And the three words... they plagued his mind more than anything.
"I love you."
In the dark of night, Koushiro lay awake, staring up at the ceiling. "What should I do?" he whispered to himself. "I don't know what to tell him." Besides, he thought, if I try to speak, I just know I'll be too scared... he'll get the wrong idea.. he might think I hate him.. but I don't... I really don't....
Sighing, he rolled over in his bed and faced the wall, trying desperately to think clearly. After a while, it came to him. "If I can't speak... Maybe I don't have to."
After stumbling around in his dark room for a few minutes, Koushiro managed to retrieve his laptop from his backpack. He turned it on and sat on his bed, thinking. A letter won't do it, he thought. So maybe....
There was a moment's hesitation, and then, he began to type.
Jyou,
Today, you told me you love me,
And I didn't know what to say.
You looked so afraid,
But still, you had the courage
To say this one important thing.
There's a pain in my chest,
Caused by this feeling,
Which is not the same as yours,
I'm sure of it,
So sure of it,
I know something you don't.
I'm glad you told me,
I'd rather know than be ignorant,
But when I looked up at you,
I saw something which scared me.
It was a look in your eyes,
Which said you wanted to hold me,
To kiss me,
And it frightened me so bad
I couldn't tell you
What you needed to know.
You see, Jyou, I don't love you,
And I just don't know how to say it.
It hurts to hurt you,
But I won't ever love you
The way you love me
And it hurts to hurt you,
But I don't love you.
I know you'll feel bad,
But I hope with the will of all hopes
That you'll forget it eventually
And find someone
Who can love you
Because I know I never will.
I'm sorry, so sorry
That I can't say this to your face
But I know if I tried,
I'd choke on my words
And you might get the wrong idea.
If I tried, I know,
You might think I was laughing at you
Or cursing you
Or voicing a hatred which doesn't really exist.
That's why, Jyou,
That's why I'm writing this down
So that you'll understand.
You see, Jyou, I don't love you,
And it hurts to say it.
It hurts to hurt you
But I won't ever love you
The way you love me
And it hurts to hurt you,
But I don't love you.
-Koushiro
"I'm sorry, Jyou," he whispered as he pasted the text to an e-mail and clicked 'send'. "It hurts to hurt you like this... but I just don't love you."