I was Staticcatfish's secret Santa last year, so here's what I made for her. (Can be found on Tumblr and ao3).
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…
Nothing was working.
He had tried everything! And nothing, literally nothing, was working!
The ex-dream demon screamed in irritation as he stomped around the clearing in the forest. The demon took powerful strides in front of the triangle statue, purposefully avoiding looking at it.
The blonde didn't have anywhere to go, and the Pines family were a nuisance as always. It's not like he, Bill Cipher, master of the mind, was out to destroy the family this time! The used to be demon scoffed at the idea. He wasn't even out to get them in the first place.
He was stuck out here, in the middle of summer, no shelter, and yes he had quite the pulchritudinous body with rather dapper clothing, but it didn't necessarily make him comfortable.
The heat bugged him to no ends as well.
Sighing, the ex-demon turned human sat down a ways away from the statue, his back to it and mostly focused on the woods.
And so, Bill sat there, his legs crossed. He would probably be admiring how great the meat sack he was inhabiting was, but he did that many times already. Sighing, the human rested his elbows on his knees, and held his head in his hands.
What was he to do?
He just couldn't think of what he was doing wrong.
He tried deer teeth already.
…
Bill was perched up on a tree branch, his pockets full. He had found a deer some time ago and may or may not have killed it and ripped it's teeth out, and didn't wash said teeth before putting it in his pocket. He totally didn't do that.
Singing a small tune underneath his breath, he raised a necklace up, his lips pressed into a tight line. It was.. Decent. It would look way better if he had his powers, but he lost it. Turned mortal of something, he didn't think much of the details.
Holding onto the necklace, he climbed down the tree, gripping onto the necklace so he wouldn't drop it, but at the same time wouldn't ruin it. Bill didn't want the deer teeth to be ruined from his grip on it.
Walking through the forest, not paying attention to the scenery around him, he made his way to the Mystery Shack. Bill hoped that this would work.
Chewing on his bottom lip, he made his way up the steps, knocking on the door with 3 loud taps on the wooden door.
Bill looked around, sneering at the building that the Pines' called home. It was so.. Rundown. He didn't like it. It was so… Ugly.
Waiting for a few minutes, the door finally opened, the youngest being in the household standing in front of the demon.
The bored look soon turned to a look of irritation once the brunette saw who it was. "What do you want Bill?" Dipper deadpanned, crossing his arms across his chest.
This wasn't the first time that the ex-dream demon, recently turned human, has come to the Pines residence. They've all gotten used to the blonde coming and doing or giving them something out of the norm. Dipper hoped it wasn't anything like a heart this time.
Bill blinked up at Dipper a couple of times, before holding out the necklace. Deer teeth clicked together for a moment before halting, occasionally swaying slightly. "Here- it's yours," Bill said blatantly, his brow furrowed slightly.
"Bill, no-" "I made it as sign of a truce." "-Bill that's not how it works," Dipper scowled, glancing down at the deer teeth. Seeing Bill's frustrated look, he rolled his eyes, before leaning against the door frame. "Okay, look. Take your.." He waved his hand in front of the necklace in Bill's hands, "deer teeth necklace and try again next time." I can't believe I'm not telling him to get lost.
Bill huffed, and glared at the young adult. How dare he not take his gift! A gift, from none other then Bill Fucking Cipher himself! "Take it," Bill insisted, still holding out the deer teeth for Dipper to take.
"No." Dipper frowned, eyeing the deer teeth necklace in Bill's hands before looking back at Bill himself. He didn't have time for this. Needed to get back to reading. "Look, go back to wherever you live, I'm busy." Without waiting for a response, Dipper slammed the door shut in Bill's face.
Bill stares at the wooden door, his mouth agape, golden brown eyes wide in shock. How- how dare Pine Tree shut the door in his face!
"Stupid stupid stupid!" Bill shouted, stomping away into the forest once more. The nerve of Pine Tree! The dream demon growled, glaring at the green grass beneath his feet, kicking at rocks.
…
And after the deer teeth necklace he tried a deer head.
That didn't go well at all.
…
Okay.
That was a lot more blood then he thought there would be.
Oh gosh. He didn't expect this much blood. He really didn't want to clean this up. Or himself up for that matter. His hands were cover in the blood of the deer, bits of the blood splattered across his ivory colored cheeks and staining his clothing.
He really didn't want to clean up the blood.
Oh jeez.
"This.. Wasn't the brightest idea, actually. It's as smart as invading Russia in the winter," Bill grumbled, turning the decapitated deer head around in his hands. "Stupid human emotions," he sighed, sitting down on the ground, staring at the deer's dead eyes. "Making me feel guilty over this.. This deer, that means NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! YET HERE I AM! YELLING AT A DEER HEAD!" Bill screamed, grip tightening on the head before he dropped it in disgust.
Oh well.
Since he already did the job (which he was feeling maybe a bit of regret for), he decided that he might as well finished what he started.
So, later that day, he left the deer head on the Pines' porch, before knocking on the door.
He flinched at the sudden scream that echoed throughout the forest.
…
Clearly limbs and teeth weren't working. Hmph. Might as well just.. Do what would probably be best. Lifting his head up from his hands, he sat up. He could go look through the trash for some cardboard.
Sighing, he decided that he might as well pay McGucket a visit.
And that's where he was, at 8 in the evening. Fiddleford was apparently sleeping, for some reason, so Bill decided to just go look for some cardboard. Which he did. Trying not to make much noise, Bill slowly pulled out a piece of cardboard out from underneath a pile of trash, his brow furrowed as he focused on nothing falling onto the ground.
After successfully achieved the slightly bent piece of cardboard that.. Didn't seem like the best cardboard ever. It would have to do though.
Grumbling something incoherent, he walked into town. He was going to have to steal a sharpie from somewhere or someone.
…
Okay, bad idea. Really bad idea. Bill had managed to get the sharpie, thankfully, but now he was hiding in a tree because someone saw him.
Groaning, Bill uncapped the sharpie, occasionally glancing down to make sure that he was okay for the moment, before writing on the cardboard.
Moments later, he capped the sharpie, before placing it in his pocket, admiring his handy work.
'Sorry I tried to kill you and your family on multiple occasions' was written on the cardboard. To Bill, it looked nice.
To anyone else, it was still readable, but on multiple occasions the letter would end up dragging off to the side, top, or bottom in a line, and the penmanship of it was just horrible. Someone could make heads or tails at what it said, but it was still messy.
Like a kindergartener's handwriting.
Except worse.
Bill stared at the piece of cardboard warily before dropping it onto the ground, climbing down the tree as well.
Picking up the cardboard, be held it under his arm, his hand hand in his pocket as he made his way to the Mystery Shack.
…
Knocking three times on the old door, Bill waited for an answer.
Tapping his foot impatiently, he knocked again. He would knock the door down, but he wanted them to like him, not to sue him for breaking their property.
Finally the door opened, of course Pine Tree opened it. Good. He preferred talking to this flesh bag or Star over the Stans.
"What is it now, Bill? And I swear, if it's something from a deer you're so dead. Mabel reall-" Dipper stopped talking when he saw Bill raise a piece of cardboard with some sloppy handwriting on it. Reading what was on it out loud under his breath, his mouth made a small 'o' shape as he finished reading it.
Bill grinned warily at Dipper, as he presented the cardboard as if it actually was special. Which it wasn't. The newly turned human was basically advertising trash. Which wasn't wrong, really.
Dipper couldn't help but chuckle. At least Bill Cipher, his used to be tormentor, was trying to get them to like him.
"I swear to your nonexistent god PT that if this isn't enough, then I'm just gonna go join the hillbilly in his trash and become a threesome with him and his raccoon," Bill huffed, glaring at the adult. Of course the blonde wouldn't actually do that. Body stuff was gross and he didn't want that. He also didn't want to live in a junkyard.
"Pfft," Dipper smiled, and pointed at the piece of cardboard. "Are you serious about being sorry about that though?" Dipper then asked, his smile turning to a frown.
Bill nodded. "Oh yeah, definitely apologetic about that and regretting it very much," Bill monotoned, blinking a couple of times. He then looked down. "..yeah I'm sorry you stupid human," he grumbled. He didn't regret it, but he was sorry. Probably. Bill still didn't understand human feelings.
"You're a human now too, so you're calling yourself stupid, stupid," Dipper laughed, rolling his eyes.
"Don't call me stupid," Bill hissed, poking Dipper in the chest with the piece of cardboard. "I was an omnipotent being, and I knew way more than you did, so you hush!"
"Whatever you say man. I'm going back inside. Good luck with redeeming yourself to Mabel and the Stans'," Dipper said. "Since this," he waved a hand at the cardboard piece, "isn't going to do for them."
"Fuck," Bill hissed underneath his breath.