Disclaimer: I own very little.

A/N: No, this is not an update. It is also not the first step on a journey to a new fandom that will push aside all my old stories (even though this is, indeed, my first ever fic in this fandom). This is, simply put, a break for my brain after 60,000 words of NaNoWriMo. ...Which I will resume after this.

A thousand thanks to alyswonder for the excellent beta (and for standing my nonsense). Spoilers for recent-ish chapters.

Determination

Fay had been stubborn enough not to give in to his hunger for several days already. It was hard, even more so when the others were eating, but he endured it. The days that had passed felt more like weeks, but he endured it. With every passing day he felt weaker, fainter, closer and closer to collapsing, yet he still endured it.

When he wasn't able to endure it any more, he would die. And that was exactly what he wanted.

The children didn't notice anything. He didn't let them notice. They did see he was getting paler but thought it was because of his injury and he would get better soon. Of course, he had no intention of getting better, but there was no reason to scare them.

Upon Sakura's return he had broken down, which was unfortunate, but after that he had managed to smile all the time. He felt nauseous at the mere sight of food, yet he smiled. Hunger clawed at him viciously, yet he smiled. The mere sight of Kurogane drove him almost mad, yet he smiled, and kept smiling.

His smile may have fooled the children, but it did not mislead Kurogane. Of course, he might have said. The ninja always noticed the wrong things, asked the wrong questions. Now Kurogane must have been paying even more attention to him than usually, so it was impossible that the ninja might have missed his true condition.

Fay wondered why Kurogane hadn't asked him about it yet. Or yelled at him for being so stupid; that would have been more probable, given the ninja's usual character. Instead Kurogane kept his distance, never saying anything, just watching, always watching.

It was almost as though he was afraid, except that Kurogane was never afraid, of anyone. The children weren't afraid either – they had fully believed Yuuko's reassurances that he would be no danger if Kurogane became his E. None of them were afraid of him.

They should have been.

He was a monster and they just couldn't – or maybe wouldn't? – see it. He hadn't fed on Kurogane's blood yet – he didn't let himself do that – but he was still a monster, lusting for another human's blood. No, not another human's – Kurogane was still a human. Fay himself, however, was not.

They were more careful around him, yes, but it wasn't because they were careful of him – more they were careful for him. They made sure he didn't hurt himself because he couldn't see distances anymore, warned him when he was about to put his hand into fire, cleaned away any obstacles he might trip over. Syaoran was especially careful with this, having had more than enough experience about such things himself.

It annoyed him to no end. They shouldn't have cared, they should have just let him be and left him to die somewhere. If they couldn't abandon him, well, they would have never tried to keep him living at the first place. As long as he lived, the other Syaoran would be armed with magic far too powerful for them to win. It would be better for him to die but they just couldn't see it.

Well, the children couldn't. That he could almost understand, because they were children. But Kurogane surely understood, understood and should have accepted. He was a soldier, after all; he should have known that sometimes people just had to die. So why was he being so stubborn now?

Even now, Kurogane was watching him. The ninja didn't say anything, just observed him with gleaming crimson eyes. He tried his best not to look at Kurogane because it made the hunger harder to bear – and the guilt. Why was he feeling guilty, anyway? He was doing only what was the best for everyone.

Finally, though, Kurogane's patience ended. In fact, Fay was kind of surprised it had lasted even that long. Thus he didn't try to resist as Kurogane cornered him one night after the children had gone to sleep.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" hissed the ninja, sharp crimson eyes blazing with barely controlled anger. "You're starving and you know it damn well. Some more time and you'll wither away and die."

"I recall telling you I did not wish to live," replied Fay calmly. "Therefore, it is rather unreasonable of you to expect me to try to keep myself alive."

Even as he said this, he had to force himself not to attack Kurogane and devour his blood. His hunger combined with the ninja's closeness – sweet, sweet scent of blood, so alluring, just a drop he needed a drop he could drink just a drop no danger in that right? – was enough to drive him almost insane. Thankfully he had never been particularly sane to begin with.

"That's very selfish, you know," Kurogane growled. "What do you think will happen to the brats if you die? They'll break down. They need you to continue this quest."

"What about you?" shot Fay back. "Do you wish to keep me alive just for the children?" He glared at the ninja. "Is that why you will not let me die, even at the cost of your own blood?"

For a moment, Kurogane just stared down at him. Finally, the ninja said, "No. That's not it."

The silence stretched for a moment longer, both eyeing the other challengingly. Fay stayed stubbornly quiet, not asking for the actual reason for Kurogane's actions with his words but rather his gaze. Besides, he wasn't sure he could control himself if he opened his mouth right now.

"Why do you want to die, anyway?" asked Kurogane then, still not answering the question. "So the clone has half your magic, big deal. You have just as much left for yourself, right? Or you still not going to use it?"

"Why should I use my magic if I can solve the whole problem by just letting go?" asked Fay in return. "I was meant to die, Kurogane. Nothing happens by chance, like Yuuko-san might say. And even if I did use my magic, there would still be damage done in the confrontation."

"Then it wasn't by chance there just happened to be a way to save you available right there!" Kurogane spat. "In any other world, at any other time, you would've died. But there were the vampires, who could give you healing abilities! Was that by chance?"

"Well, let's imagine that I indeed decided to survive," Fay said dryly. "Then we land in your world, where your princess is waiting for you. What shall you do then? Stay there as was your wish and let me die? And before you say anything, I can't stay there with you. The one I'm running from would come after me sooner or later, and I can't stay in any one world for too long or he will reach me."

For a long time, Kurogane was quiet. Then, just as Fay was about to speak up again, the ninja spoke. "...I would leave my world with you."

Now, Fay could do nothing but stare. Kurogane's greatest wish had been to return. And now... now he would forget that wish just to keep him, Fay, the useless wizard, alive a while longer?

"Just why do you wish me to live?" he asked, sighing. "Why can't you accept what is meant to be?"

"Because if you died, it would be meaningless for me to live," replied Kurogane. Fay had never before heard him using such a serious tone. "That's why I couldn't stay with my princess – and if I did stay there, it would mean I hadn't learnt the lesson she sent me away for."

"Then what is that lesson?" asked Fay, half yearning, half fearing the response. "How, exactly, does my living give meaning to your life?"

"The lesson was what true strength means," Kurogane replied. "As far as I can tell, true strength is you can protect those you care about. If there wasn't you, who would I protect? And if I stayed behind, I damn well wouldn't be protecting you."

For a moment, Fay was speechless. Finally he managed to ask, "What about Syaoran-kun and Sakura-chan? Are they not worth protecting as well?"

"Of course they are. But you're the only one I'd protect with my life." There wasn't any sign of teasing or insincerity in the red eyes.

This time, it took even longer for Fay to speak. When he did, it was only with one word. "...Why?"

Kurogane's expression didn't change. "Because I care about you, you idiot," he said seriously.

Fay stared up at the blazing crimson eyes for a moment. Then, unable to face their intense glare any longer, he let his gaze fall. Unfortunately, this brought Kuro's neck right into his line of sight. He could see very clearly the vein throbbing, full of blood, full of life just waiting for him to claim it...

Kurogane apparently noticed where his gaze was directed, as the ninja snorted. "Just come to your senses and drink my blood, mage," he said. "Our situation won't get any better if you starve. How do you even know the clone's magic would die? Your magic is in your eyes. What's to say the other will still survive if you die?"

Fay swallowed. On one hand, Kurogane's words sounded perfectly sensible. And he was so hungry, so very very hungry... But on the other hand, he had no other hope. If he died, chances were the clone would indeed lose his magic. And – and he really should distance himself anyway, he only brought misery to those he cared about...

Cared about... Kurogane had just said that he cared about Fay, right? The mage couldn't remember when he'd last heard somebody saying that to him and meaning it. He was so used to distancing himself from others that he hadn't let anybody truly care.

Apparently he had failed in his attempts. Kurogane had gotten too close. And, Fay concluded, he could do nothing to push him away now. When the ninja got something into his head he did not give up on it easily.

Well, he would now just double his efforts. Not only would he keep himself from loving Kurogane, he would also keep Kurogane from loving him. It would be far better for both of them.

"Get over yourself," Kurogane said, very quietly. "You can hardly even stand on your own anymore."

"Yes, I can," Fay claimed. Of course, his body chose this exact moment to fail him. Staggering, he fell right into Kurogane's arms.

"You idiot," hissed Kurogane. "Do you want to die on the kids?"

No, Fay did not want that. He had caused them enough pain as it was.

Only kept upright by Kurogane's arms, he didn't have the strength to resist as a hand grasped on his head – Kurogane's fingers tangling in his hair, so warm so strong so safe stop thinking like that stop – and turned it until he was looking right at the ninja's exposed neck.

"Come to your senses, now," Kurogane said, his voice unusually soft. "You'll do nobody any good by dying."

Fay couldn't resist anymore. He was too weak by now; he knew that if Kurogane let go, he would fall to the ground. Still hesitant, he bought his mouth close to Kurogane's bare neck. Even through the other man's skin he smelled the blood, the hot, delicious blood flowing in the ninja's veins, waiting…

Before he even realized it, he had sunk his fangs into the other man's neck. Kurogane shuddered a bit, but that was the only indication he gave of having even noticed. Clinging to Kurogane's arms, Fay started drinking, thirsty for the sweet, sweet blood…

He had been hungry before, and had experienced the lovely feeling of getting to eat after being hungry for what had seemed like an eternity. Never before, however, had he felt as wonderful a fulfilment as Kurogane's blood provided him with.

At first he had been weak enough to stay upright only with the support of Kurogane's arms. Now, however, he struggled to stand on his own as his strength returned while Kurogane's blood continued to flow into his body.

Fay forced himself to stop, knowing he might do serious harm to Kurogane if he continued much longer. Licking the wound carefully, he then leant his head against Kurogane's shoulder. This time, however, it was not because he was weak; it simply felt nice there.

"Are you all right?" Kurogane's voice startled Fay. The ninja was regarding him with an expression bordering on open concern. The idiot. Kurogane had absolutely no reason to be concerned about anybody but himself at the moment. He was the victim there!

Now that his weakness subsided, Fay felt absolutely disgusted with himself. Pushing himself away from Kurogane, he turned away, unable to look at the other man.

"Hey, mage?" he heard Kurogane's voice behind him. A hand was settled on his shoulder. "Is something wrong?"

"Go away," Fay breathed. "Leave me alone…" He felt Kurogane's attempt to turn him around, but resisted. He couldn't face Kurogane right now.

Of course, Kurogane would have none of this. Grasping on Fay's shoulders, he forced the shorter man to turn around. Still, Fay couldn't look him in the eye. Instead, his gaze was now fixed on the two little wounds on Kurogane's neck, from which blood was still trickling.

"Let go of me," Fay said weakly. Now, there was no way he could summon the usual smile onto his lips. "I… I deserve to die. Now more than ever."

"Blame yourself and I'll give you a reason to be miserable," Kurogane threatened. "I was the one who asked for this. It's not your fault in any way."

"Yes, it is," Fay insisted. "I should be dead. Instead, I'm… a beast. An animal, surviving on your blood."

"As I said, it was my choice," the ninja replied irritably. "And I won't stand to see you die!" His hands, which were still on Fay's shoulders, tightened their grip. "You're not going to die, you idiotic mage. Not unless it's me killing you – and that's not about to happen, got it?"

For a moment Fay just stood frozen, still staring at the little wounds. Finally, he raised his eye to Kurogane's face, seeing a determined gaze in the blazing red eyes. "You shouldn't care," he whispered. "I'm not worth it."

"You are," replied Kurogane. "You are, and I'm damn well going to make you believe it." Suddenly, he pulled Fay close, and his voice again took on a very rare – from him, that is – soft tone. "You damn mage," he whispered gently, "you've made me re-think the world, so if you die and leave me to handle this change on my own, I'll damn well rip out that one eye you've still got and revive you just to feed it to you."

For a moment, Fay didn't know what to say. Finally, he said, "That's my Kuro-pon."

Kurogane didn't answer. He just hugged him a bit tighter.