Hug Me by cheese
It's Valentines Day at Hogwarts, and Snape prepares his least favorite period, the 6th year. Little does he know that he will have a larger concern come class time.
It's just a little Valentine's Day fun…well, not fun on Snape's part.
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Drat that boy!
Severus Snape whirled over to where the second-year was making a mess of his cauldron, the table, his robes. In short the potion was going everywhere.
"If I didn't know better boy, I would say you had dragon dung for brains. Out with your useless mess, and I want to see a two foot essay on how you screwed up this potion and what an appropriate punishment should be. I want it on my desk, tomorrow, by noon. LEAVE!" The bewildered student scampered out of the classroom a fearful look on his face, all too eager to get to lunch.
Snape whirled back to his notes, not looking forward to his next encounter with a student either. The sixth year class was proving a pain; he had to put up with Potter's smug smirks, Weasley's dumfounded expressions and Granger's formerly buck-teeth for ninety minutes straight. It didn't help that the Malfoy boy was in the class, he was becoming increasingly stressed overworked and pale, if the last one was even possible.
On top of it all it was Valentine's Day. He was sick of seeing flashes of pink peer out at him from under students robes and gaggles of girls getting all giggly when an attractive male passed within a two-yard radius. He only hoped that Potter and his gang were world-weary enough to avoid such frivolous and mindless activities. Merlin knew that he was at that age of sixteen.
Snape couldn't have been more wrong.
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In the Great Hall a large tawny owl had just come fluttering down to rest upon the Gryffindor table. It was noticeably late, which was quite understandable seeing the kilograms of packages weighing it down. Hermione reached out to the take the letter from its beak, while the two boys salvaged the packages so the bird could take off in flight once more, burden free.
"Dear 'Mione. Make sure the boys don't hog it all. This stuff's rare and precious seeing as its Muggle. No chance of that ridiculous sugar free charm they put on candy these days. All our love, Gred and Forge." Hermione lowered the letter to see the numerous parcels of candy littering the table and the boys eyeing them with glee.
"How come they didn't send it to me? I'm their brother?" Then after a moments pause in which Ron surveyed the loot, he announced, "No matter. They sent sugar!" And before Hermione could warn them how too much sugar was bad for your teeth, brown paper went flying everywhere and the unmistakable crackle of candy wrappers filled the silence. Sighing, Hermione reached out for a dark chocolate Hershey's Kisses for herself.
There was a pause in which the munching of chocolate and Sweet Tarts could be heard, and various more packages opened.
"Hey, Hermione, the twins sent lollipops! And they're pink and heart-shaped!" Harry ripped open the plastic bag and a shower of green wrapped lollipops cascaded onto the table. Each one had a 'witty' saying on them ranging from a simple 'Yes' to a more forward 'Kiss Me'. Ron dropped the chocolate he was holding and promptly stuck a 'Be Mine' into his mouth, sucking greedily.
Hermione attempted to snatch the bags away, but Harry seemed to be inhaling the sugar, numerous wrappers littered the space around him, and truth be told, Hermione was also having a hard time watching the number of Smarties going down her esophagus. When it seemed like the candy could go no further, Harry started and reminded them all that they had to go to Potion and Snape would do his nut if they were late. As the boys cleared up the plates and wrappers Hermione gazed sadly at the mountain of unopened candy on the table. It seemed so improper to waste food, and it's not like Snape wouldn't notice if they had one or two in the back of class. Ignoring her prefect side (perhaps it was the sugar talking) Hermione grabbed fistfuls of the sugar and endorphins and crammed them into her bag, rushing after the boys who had already started heading down to the dungeons.
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The sixth-year class filed in as normal, perhaps a little giggly, but that would soon be taken care of. The Granger girl was hauling her over-heavy bag to the back of the classroom and looked slightly worried and checked it ever so often, as if there was something in there that could be stolen. Indeed, halfway through class, Hermione noticed a lot less of the Almond Kisses and faint, suspicious chocolate streaks around Malfoy's mouth. Once the class had seemingly settled down, Snape closed the doors and prepared his customary beginning of class speech, praying that this class would go swiftly, then it was a short period with the first years, then the comfort of his chambers while the rest of the school was out frolicking.
"Today, not in the Valentine's Day spirit, we won't be brewing love potions. Please turn to page 69 of Advanced Potion Making for instructions on how to brew the…yes Miss Granger?"
"Professor Snape, could you tell us why of all the teachers in this school you have such a negative outlook on Valentine's Day, and why you insist on wearing that ridiculous black thing today? I mean, I know you own color, I've seen dark blue and green and grey, but you were never inspired to own anything pink, were you?" A shocked silence followed, this, even Harry and Ron turned to stare at Hermione with their jaws slack. Of course, all this was a side effect of the sugar, none of them dared to be that outspoken to Severus Snape, greasy, sexually frustrated bat of the dungeons.
"Miss Granger, I could keep my reasons to myself, but just to humor that abnormally oversized cranium of yours, I will reveal to you why Valentines Day is such a bum deal." Every turned to state agape at Snape, he never was this nice, or anything but brief and blunt, in a bad sort of way.
"Today is not any great proclamation of love. In fact, proclaiming love on any day but this would be unique…Valentine's Day is just cliché. You, girls, have probably consumed 10 kilos of chocolate combined for the endorphin rush you need to cope with the loss of your ex-boyfriend. Those chocolate sellers are having a field-day marketing their high sugar products, claiming that 'that chocolate contains a property that triggers the release of endorphins…gives one the feeling of being in love!' Politics! Take me for example. I'm always called on today, without fail to brew up a Love Potion. Just for others to bottle it and sell it on this street! Politics! And that, dear children, is why Valentine's Day is a waste of your time and mine." There was a silence after this speech, until Harry grew balls and decided to open his mouth…just once.
"Are you sure the reason isn't that you're snarky and repressed and most obviously single…?"
"Parchments out, pop quiz…and FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFF-!"
"Professor Snape?!!?" A very harassed looking Professor McGonagall flung open the door and strode toward the front of the class.
"Minerva, what a pleasure. I was just informing my students of why Valentine's Day frivolities should be kept out of this classroom" He enunciated the last four words, but otherwise kept the saccharine tone to address the other professor.
"Lesson or not Severus, I could hear you from down the halls! Miss Granger, surely a simple holiday could not have gotten your Potions Master all in a huff, kindly explain what really happened."
"Of course, pick favorites why don't you?"
"Severus, please. This is not the time for childishness." Hermione, meanwhile looked like a kid caught with her hand in the candy jar, almost literally. She was digging around in her bag to find a lollipop, if there was one to be found and had just put one on the table in front of her when she found Professor McGonagall looming over her. The candy caught the Transfiguration teacher's eye and a corner of her mouth twitched, but otherwise she said nothing and waited patiently for an explanation.
"Well Professor," Hermione started slowly, carefully choosing her words. She knew that McGonagall would be on her side. "Professor Snape seemed inspirited today by wearing all black, clearly services were not rendered last night." This got a chuckle from the class in general and an amused but stern look on McGonagall's face. She then turned to Snape whom everyone could tell was having a hard time from whipping out his wand and cursing the insolent girl to hell and back.
"Well it seems that the class is in consensus that you do not have a heart. Please, try not to scare these poor students away. If I might try to find a replacement…ah!" McGonagall's eyes lighted on the violently pink, heart-shaped lollipop on Hermione's desk and swept it up with one hand in one fluid motion, conjuring perma-stick Spello-tape in the other hand. There was a moment of bustling on McGonagall's part, during which Snape stood extremely stiff and the class was thick with suppressed laughter.
When she stepped back, the students could see the lollipop taped over where Snape's heart should have been. McGonagall looked thoroughly pleased with her work and Snape looked like he'd swallowed a lemon or two.
"Minerva, since you have so kindly demolished my image, I suggest you finish my class while I pursue other, more desirable activities." With that parting shot, Snape whirled his cloak around and strode out of the dungeon, flashes of pink accenting his every step. McGongall called after his retreating form.
"I shall inform that staff and students that the instructions on the lollipop are to be followed to the letter, if the person so chooses." She then turned to students, some of which were holding their sides in an effort not to obnoxiously laugh out loud.
"Class dismissed." The moment Professor McGonagall left the room, a crowd formed eagerly around Hermione who had her fist stuffed in her mouth, trying not to laugh.
"Hermione, what did it say? I hope that it wasn't…
"Out with it Granger, what did that candy have written on it?" there was a pause, as Hermione emerged from mirth-land, her face tinged with red.
"Hug Me."
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This IS a TRUE STORY! Valentines Day '07, my lunch group and my civics teacher (as Snape) who will be affectionately called Scottie in the Star Trek spirit. It just has a magical touch, but is otherwise true to the letter, including the badly-hidden sexual innuendo. I was telling a good friend of mine this story, when she mentioned that it sounded like something that might happen to Snape. And hey presto, here I am at 11.30 AM with an apoplectic chem. test tmrw, writing this. Feel the love and review :)
much love, cheese