One day, David was walking down an alley when he got hit on the back of the head with a sherry bottle. It was a very drunk Professor Trelawney.
"Ooops" she belched, letting out a sherry induced giggle. "Sorry, Harry"
"WHAT?" David screeched, "I am NOT Harry. He is so much more incredibly handsomer than me!"
The witch suddenly turned violent. "You what, you bum?!"
And killed him.
*********
That same evening Harry was mourning over the loss of his beloved David, for he had cheated on him with Neville Longbottom
"That BASTARD!" Harry screamed. "HOW DARE HE LEAVE ME FOR THAT BOY!"
Just then, Voldie appeared in the room.
"Ahh, Harry," he said, "are you having violent tendencies all of a sudden?"
"YES!" said Harry, "will you help me destroy David? We could unite and claim the world as our own!"
"NO" said Voldie and killed him.
**********
Ginny looked around her.
"This is perfect" she sighed.
Then she started to rape the corpse.
**********
"Snape!" Slughorn ejaculated. (Copyright of JK Rowling, Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince)
**********
Bellatrix was eating cornflakes one morning, when suddenly Neville Longbottom walked in.
"I've always been in love with you!" he declared
Bellatrix blinked rapidly for a second.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Neville died and Bellatrix continued to eat her cornflakes
**********
"Faggot!"
**********
**********
The two Bellas met in Bellatrix's kitchen. She shouted "Not another twat!" and screamed "AVADA KEDAVRA!!!" but at the same time Bella Swan boomed "VAMPIRE!!!!" and the two screams clashed in a sonic boom
**********
Meanwhile, Carlisle was doing a strip-tease for Esme when all of a sudden the two Bellas came crashing through the window, snarling and ripping at each other's hair.
"Aaagh!" Carlisle yelled, covering his modesty with a Mewtwo lampshade.
The two Bellas stared at him and grinned hungrily, advancing upon him.
"Let the gang bang commence!" Bella Swan boomed.
Edward burst in "CARLISLE!"
**********
The next day, Carlisle was cleaning out the attic in an attempt to get over 'recent events', when he came across a red and white ball.
He opened it. Out came Mewtwo's pikachu.
It gave Carlisle an evil look and zapped him with its electric attack, Carlisle fell to the floor screaming like a girl while pikachu was bitch slapping him.
Suddenly, in came Edward. "CARLISLE!"
Pikachu turned towards him.
And ate him.
Bella came running up the stairs and into the attic "what have you done" she cried "my Edward!!!"
"Bella move" Carlisle shouted throwing the red and white ball at the pikachu, but like a retard Bella didn't move and the pokeball hit her instead of the pikachu and she was sucked into the ball.
Pikachu laughed in delight and jumped into the ball, eating Bella.
Carlisle looked relieved.
**********
Zane, meanwhile, was sobbing hysterically over David's pale corpse.
"Why did you die David?!" he wailed. "I LOVE YOU!"
The words were enough to bring David back to life.
"Harry?" he murmered faintly.
Zane looked outraged.
"No I'm Zane you fool!" he screeched.
And killed him again.
Dr Cable came up behind Zane and shot him.
******
Emmett was ill, which was unusual for a huge vampire.
"NOOO!" wailed Rosalie, ran into the kitchen and started smashing glass bowls.
Carlisle had mysteriously disappeared.
"We need a doctor," chirped Alice and Jasper nodded.
All of a sudden, a dramatic boom of thunder sounded and the door crashed open to reveal Dr Cable illuminated by a crack of lightening.
"Did someone say…Doctor?" she smirked.
"Doctor who?" Emmett groaned weakly.
"Oh enough with the tardis jokes!" she snapped. "Where is the patient?"
Emmett waved at her weakly and croaked, "I am."
She glanced at him disdainfully and looked around in awe at the massive house.
"I need the bathroom." She said shortly.
Alice gave her hurried directions and Dr Cable left the room.
She had been searching for the bathroom for a while, unable to locate it when suddenly she spotted a small yellow rodent-type creature nibbling on her shoes.
"What are you doing?" she snapped.
"PIKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The thing roared at her in a high-pitched squeak before sending a shock of electricity through her. Or at least it attempted to, but Dr Cable's perfect reflexes prevented any harm coming to her.
Dr Cable was impressed with the skills of the creature, and stared at it curiously. "What is your name?"
"Pika-chu!" it replied.
"Hmm… why are nibbling my toes?"
The Pikachu looked at her, mournfully. "Pika pika"
She was unable to understand it, which was going to be a problem. She thought for a moment and conveniently pulled out a translation collar from her pocket. She held it out to the Pikachu, who glanced at it warily before letting her put it on.
"Now, why do you insist on nibbling my shoes?"
"I'm hungry hungry!" he wailed in the same high pitched voice.
Dr Cable was starting to become attached to it, so knelt down and asked in a gentler voice, "What do you like to eat?"
"VAMPIRE"
***********
Carlisle was still cowering in fear in the attic where thankfully no-one had found him yet.
All of a sudden, the door crashed open violently and there stood JK Rowling.
"PENETRATE ME!!!!" she boomed.
Carlisle stared in horror at the woman. There was only one thing to do.
He drank her blood.
***********
Bellatrix was on her way to London on a mission for Dr. Cable, unfortunately a big gust of wind blew her off course and she went crashing through a pie shop window.
"Bladdy 'ell!!" a woman screamed "you gone and smashed me winda!!"
"Shut up you stupid woman!!" Bellatrix said in a stern voice, then she turned around to find Mrs Lovett standing in front of her.
"What magic is this!!? Why do you look like ME!!!?" she boomed
"I don't know" Mrs Lovett said
It turns out they where twins and both had a dark passion for killing people.
Before they could resolve this disturbing dilemma, Voldemort waltzed into the shop, a furious expression on his face. "Bella! What are you doing? You did not turn up to the death eater's tea party as planned! What is your excuse?"
Before Bellatrix could respond, Mrs Lovett dived out from behind the counter, and ran at Voldie, a horny look on her face.
"Well hello there…" she winked.
Voldemort looked disgusted.
Just then Mr Todd entered the room, spied Voldemort and grinned.
"How about a shave?" he offered.
"You fool! I am hairless! Avada Kedavra!"
Sweeney fell down dead.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" cried Mrs Lovett, diving on top of his corpse.
*********
"VAMPIRE!"
"Hmm… well, there's lots of those here."
Pikachu looked excited. "I know" he giggled. "that's why I'm here."
"There's also an ill vampire here. If I give you food, will you come on a massacring spree with me?"
Pikachu nodded and hopped onto her shoulder.
They went downstairs.
The Cullens apart from Rosalie who had gone to buy more glass bowls from Ikea were sat in the living room, looking nervous.
Edward saw Pikachu and screamed. "He spat me back out!"
Pikachu shifted his tail "You tasted like cat food."
Dr Cable smirked and scratched the mouse's ears.
"Awww, Pikachu is hungry."
Pikachu leapt on Emmett and ate him.
Is was at that moment that Rosalie returned from Ikea.
Upon discovering that her husband had been eaten, she roared like a lion and began smashing the bowls with such force that everyone in the house was cowering in fear. Even Carlisle, still in the attic with JK's corpse, could hear the racket.
Rosalie advanced upon Pikachu with the last bowl, poising to strike it over his head.
"You evil rodent!" she screamed, but before she could smash the bowl, Pikachu had given an almighty war cry and sank his teeth into her fingers, before sending an electric current through her.
Dr Cable giggled cutely.
************
While all the commotion was going on Voldie, Bella and Mrs Lovett had returned from London. They crashed into the Cullen's house.
"AAAAHHHHHH my loyal servants did you get it, please tell me you got it??"
"Yes we did mistress it was on exhibit in a museum" Voldie hissed and pulled an old small wooden chest from under his robe.
"ITS MINE AT LAST" Dr. Cable cried letting out an almighty evil laugh "MWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"
A long pause passed then she raised the box into the air and boomed.
"DAVEY JONES HEART!!!!!!"
The Cullens were terrified.
***********
"CARLISLE!" Edward crashed into the attic. "What are you doing? You should be mourning my beloved Bella!"
Just then he spotted the vampiric J K.
"WHAT? WHO IS SHEEE!"
*********
Pikachu was gazing at the heart, longingly.
"No" said Dr Cable, "you are not allowed to eat it yet." And snapped the chest Back in the attic JK was provocatively walking over to Edward, he ignored her advances so she started chasing him round the attic, and in a deranged voice said "Come and give your new mummy a big kiss"
"What's all this!!" Esme cried looming in the doorway of the attic.
Pikachu wailed. She had caught his nose!
"Oh no!" she cried scooping him up and kissing his nose better.
Then she noticed everyone staring at her.
"GET BACK TO WORK YOU FOOLS!"
**********
**********
One evening Celestina Warbeck walked into the Weasley household, and bit Molly's head off.
**********
Molly's head rolled all the way to Hogwarts where Snape mistook it for a roast potato and ate it in one bite.
"Snape!" Slughorn ejaculated, "You've just eaten a human head!"
"Yum" Snape said in his usual monotone.
*******
Down in the alley where David and Zane's corpses lay mulching, Maddy appeared.
Maddy casually ate the corpses, rubbed her swollen belly and continued down to road to Mrs Lovett's pie shop, where Mrs Lovett was still wailing over Sweeney's body.
Maddy gave them one glance before belly-flopping onto them, squashing them flat. Mrs Lovett gave one final whimper of "By the seeaaaaa….." before she died.
Maddy thudded greedily towards the storage room and began to stuff pies into her huge mouth, never stopping to rest until all the pies were gone. She burped, and went back outside where Az was waiting for her.
"Did you get any pies for me dear?" he asked timidy.
Maddy burped loudly in his face, before roaring "NOOOOOOO, NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I EAT YOU LIKE I ATE OUR SON!"
Az ran off in tears to seek comfort in the arms of Dr Cable….
************
Back at the Cullen's house Bellatrix fell to the ground feeling her twins dying pains.
Rosalie was nursing her war wounds from pikachu, pikachu was licking his lips and looking at Rosalie,
Alice and Jasper had gone on an easter egg hunt around the house and looking in the cupboard under the stairs they found Carlisle whimpering
"Esme and JK are having brutal bitch brawl in the attic, I managed to escape by hiding in this dumbwaiter and falling down to here.
Dr. Cable was testing new torture techniques on Edward, Voldie was cheering her on like a hopeless cheerleader. Az, who has escaped the wrath of his huge horrible wife, was gazing lovingly at his Beloved Dr Cable.
"Pikachu!" She thrilled. "Lunchtime!"
Edward screamed.
Suddenly they were distracted by the sound of JK and Esme's continued brawl in the attic.
"Retract that statement about my cunt fucking kids!!!" Esme was screeching.
"YOU'RE AN INANIMATE FUCKING OBJECT!!" JK retorted. (In Bruges references)
Carlisle rolled his eyes.
The wall cracked apart.
Maddy had appeared!
Dr. Cable ordered pikachu to slaughter her
Pikachu ran as fast as he could towards her and ran head first into her stomach causing her to let out the most horrendous burp.
Suddenly everyone heard a strange ticking noise.
"What is that mysterious ticking noise?" Alice enquired.
Az looked terrified. "This happened once before during sex." He gasped fearfully.
"When David was conceived." Maddy grinned. "This must have be due to the fact that I ate his corpse earlier!"
Edward looked at her disgustedly.
"Don't look at me like that, you're the vampire!" she retorted.
Jasper was trying desperately to calm down the room, but Bellatrix and Voldemort kept barging into him haphazardly, ruining his focus.
"What shall we do?" sobbed Az.
And then like a knight with a big fluffy tail, Mewtwo stormed into the room, with a determined expression on his face. He scooped up Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, Bellatrix, Voldie, Dr Cable, Pikachu and Az with his fluffy tail and leading them to safety.
Some nosey parkers had come to the house to investigate the mysterious ticking noise. These bystanders consisted of Harry, Ginny, Dumbledore, Tally, Zane, Ash, Anthony, Johanna, Elizabeth Swan and Will Turner.
All of these despicable citizens of the world crowded around Maddy and were blown into a million pieces as she gave one final loud belch and exploded.
************
"The roast potatoes were most delicious this evening, Minerva." Ejaculated Snape.
THE END.