Author's Note-

Edward Elric: What's up, guys? Well, I was tired of Shadray writing fanfics on my life without my approval, so, well, he's currently chained up in the closet. (grins maliciously) Therefore, he isn't able to come to the computer to give you his real author's notes right now.

So I'll be giving them to you for him. (grins further) Now, where to start? Oh. Well, I guess this story pokes fun at some of the fics on this site. But, uh… (scratches the back of head awkwardly) …Yeah. >.

Don't take offense. (Ponders) What else would he tell you if he were here? …oh, he'd say "Please enjoy!" and would back off, wouldn't he? (smirks) Well, TOO BAD. I'M the new writer here, so I'LL—

(gets dragged away by Riza)

Riza: (takes over laptop) Sorry about that. Shadray, however, would like you to know that he does not own FFN, nor does he own…well… us. (Full Metal Alchemist, I mean.) If he were here to write this (and not chained up in the closet), he would give huge thanks to his new beta, M'jai, whose small edits and suggestions worked wonders. Also, all though he "pokes fun" at the people who govern FFN, he means no harm, and truly thanks them for keeping this website together.

Now…I'm through. (shuts laptop)

Fanfictions "O' Doom"

The sound of ten fingers typing speedily reverberated throughout the office, rebounding off the walls and echoing multiple times with each keystroke. This noise continued for another distinctly unpleasant five minutes, after which an irritated Roy Mustang slammed his fist down on his desk and stared at the source for several seconds until the noise stopped.

Riza had looked up from her mad typing frenzy, and was now watching Roy with a blank look on her face, as if her mind had been elsewhere for the past few minutes.

"Hn?" She blinked a couple of times, until her mystified expression cleared. "Oh. Sorry about that, Colonel," she said, smiling good-naturedly. "I've…been getting sidetracked easily lately."

Roy looked at her for a while, and then nodded briefly; the irritable look on his face was replaced with one of understanding. "It's alright," he grunted shortly, knowing full well that he too was guilty of diverting from his work on uneventful days in the military. He returned to the pile of papers stacked up in front of him and went back to work.

The office of Colonel Roy Mustang contained a lengthy desk of documents; the important ones seemed to be filed neatly into stacks, while the rest were ripped, torn, bent, shredded, and sprawled out messily across the table, leaving absolutely no leftover space for the tabletop to be visible. Across from him, in a comfortable chair near the entrance to the room, was where his acquaintance, Riza Hawkeye, was located; this was, of course, not her office, but she visited so often and for such long periods of time that one would think she and the Colonel shared the room with one another.

Roy had no problem with completing a decent amount of the files until a good ten minutes later, when Riza Hawkeye began pounding her fingers down on the keyboard in front of her, once again striking them with such potency as to create a noise resembling that of a marching army.

"Urrrgh!"

Riza looked up at the sound of Mustang's uncontrollable outburst. "Hm? Something wrong, Colonel?"

The cross man had grabbed a great chunk of the black hair protruding from his scalp and made to violently rip it out, but he stopped himself. "What in the name of god are so you busy doing?" he managed to reply in a relatively tranquil manner.

"Oh, nothing really," was Riza's response, as she declined her head and went back to typing.

"Hawkeye! I'm trying to work here!"

Riza paused for a moment to look up and blink at him in two quick successions. "I can see that, Colonel," she stated, in a simple tone normally used to speak to two-year-olds.

He growled. "Yes, so do you mind?! I'm trying to work on these damn—!" But Mustang stopped briefly as a thought came to him. "You know what…?" he said slowly. "What are you doing, anyway?"

"Oh. Well, currently I'm utilizing a newly invented, planet-wide system known as the World-Wide-Web on my laptop to access important documents and files for the military…."

Just why was it that he was always the one given the towering mountains of papers to labor on, Mustang mused, yet Riza always seemed to remain free of any discomfort or overexertion? Shaking his head hopelessly, the alchemist inquired, "But all the useful military files have been placed in the library. Why use a—?"

"Because it's simpler," the woman replied, before the question was even completed.

Roy narrowed his eyes with suspicion. And if you were searching for military documents online—why would you be typing so much?

Slowly the man arose from his seat, crossed casually in front of her—and bolted to her side, quickly looking at the screen of her laptop before she had a chance to conceal it. "Aha! Those aren't military documents!" he declared proudly. "…and you thought I wouldn't catch on!"

She looked at him wearily through the corner of her eye. "It was obvious you were skeptical. They don't call me Hawkeye for nothing, after all."

She pointed to the screen on the laptop. "These aren't military files," she explained, gesturing to a page consisting of multiple links leading to other websites. "These…are fanfiction."

Mustang stared at her uncomprehendingly.

"…you mean, you were searching…for porn sites…?!"

"No, not this time." Riza's eyes suddenly bulged, and she quickly added, "And not ever," before he could make a comment. Typing a few words into the address bar at the top of the page, she accessed a dictionary website, and typed in the word fanfiction.

Roy watched bemusedly as the definition of the word loaded: fiction written by those who enjoy a film, novel, television show or other media work, using the characters and situations previously established, and inventing new plots in which to use these characters.

"In other words," Riza clarified, "I was searching for decent 'fanfiction' from a newly discovered website termed 'Fanfiction . Net' You have heard of it, haven't you?"

He slowly shook his head "no" three times.

She shrugged and returned to typing furiously, searching the site high and low for at least a half-way satisfactory story. When she had found some, the woman gestured to them and pointed out the different genres of fandom, introducing Roy Mustang to a place where proud idiots with no life could all congregate for hours at a time, leaning back in their large leather chairs as they typed their elaborate fiction and sipped large amounts of tea.

Roy Mustang shook his head sadly. "Why have I never seen this before?" he muttered.

"Mainly because we live in the world of Full-Metal Alchemist, and we're therefore not actually meant to be familiar with the Internet, which is strictly an Earthly creation. The only reason we know of it now is because this is not actually FMA, but instead, we are in an FMA fanfiction ourselves, and whoever wrote it must be slightly erratic, and either misunderstood or highly disgraceful. Still, we—" Riza suddenly broke off from her long, tedious paragraph of incoherent babbling and began to stare, stunned and taken aback, at the work of technology in front of her. "Oh my god…" she murmured, her eyes glued to the screen.

"What is it?" His eyes snapped in the direction of the computer screen, and widened. There, right in front of the two of them, was the title of the category "Full Metal Alchemist," and beneath it was a list of 14,687 fanfictions, all based on…

"US?" Roy shouted. "You mean, we've been written about?!" Both aggravated and shaken, he banged his fist on the wall. "You know what this means, don't you?" he growled. "People…have been stalking our lives every day…recording our every move… And…they've been making up things and uploading them on the World Wide Web, for the entire universe to see…!"

Hawkeye said nothing.

"I'm going to DESTROY THEM!" Mustang boomed, smashing his fist into the wall with much more force than his prior attempt. This resulted in a certain amount of friction ensuing from the act of his glove rubbing against the rigid substance, which, with the Colonel's alchemical assistance, consequentially caused a flare of fire to arise and burn a good portion of the wall.

"Hmph… Perhaps the Elric brothers will be interested in seeing this…" he muttered irritably, stalking off to exit the room. "I'm going to go find them and show them this horrid, distaseful contraption—"

"Don't bother looking for them." Hawkeye, without smiling or contorting her grave expression, pulled out an extraordinary, enormous, U-shaped red magnet with a white color on its North and South ends, and muttered darkly, "Here's a much easier method…"

And almost immediately, almost before the words had even come out of her mouth, a distant screaming could be heard, drawing closer and closer every second:

"…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—!"

BAM.

At top speed, two highly disturbed alchemists burst through the wall on the opposite side of the room, rocketed through the air, and, with a CLANG, smacked straight into the over-sized magnet.

"What was THAT for?!" Edward Elric boomed, his metal arm and leg attached to it.

"What just happened!?" the metal armor beside him shouted frantically, looking left and right as best as he could, for his entire body was attached.

"You—!" Edward's eyes bulged at the sight of Riza Hawkeye holding the enormous magnet that had forcefully attracted him into the room from so far away. "No…you DIDN'T…! Couldn't you have just found us and politely asked us to meet at your office, you jerks! Don't go using magnetism to draw people to you at top speed, you spiky-headed idiots!

"You bastards should be ashamed! GET—IT—OFF—!" Angrily, the State Alchemist attempted to tear his arm and leg away from the Magnet O' Doom, effectively ripping off the auto-mail limbs from his torso.

While Mustang and Hawkeye merely watched silently, Alphonse's voice seemed to be shaking. "Brother…! No…!"

"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, YOU JERKS!" Edward screamed, gawking at the auto-mail limbs still attached to the magnet, while the rest of him was not. "THIS WAS YOUR IDEA, WASN'T IT?" he barked at Roy, who merely exchanged interested side-glances with Riza.

The alchemist grabbed onto his metal limbs, tore them away from the magnetic mechanism, and, now brandishing the right arm and left leg of steel, began heatedly chasing Roy Mustang around the room, both of them scrambling about in circles.

But before anyone could put a stop to the horrible frenzy taking place, a young blonde female peered into the room from the gaping hole in the wall. "Um—Ed? Alphonse?" she called. "Are you two alright? I saw you two flying through the air, and saw you burst into this room, and—"

She froze.

Slowly, Edward froze as well, stopping his mad chase and slowly turning to face the young woman. Alphonse summoned enough strength to rip himself away from Hawkeye's magnet, and gradually rotated about, staring at the person. "W- Winry! H-How are you do-"

But he was cut off, as Winry stared in shock at the sight of Edward's detached, physically ripped-off auto-mail limbs being held in his hands. First, she said nothing.

Then, the young mechanic opened her mouth, and roared, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE PRODUCT OF MY VIGOROUS LABOR?! I TOLD YOU TO BE CAREFUL WITH THE AUTO-MAIL!"

Seconds later Alphonse was chasing Winry, attempting to make her "Calm down and think rationally about this!" At the same time, Winry was threateningly chasing the "Full-Metal Alchemist" around the room with a great mallet ("I'm going to kill you, Ed!") and the "Full-Metal Alchemist" was chasing Roy Mustang around the room with his detached metal limbs ("Now look what you've done! Winry's trying to destroy me!"), while Riza Hawkeye merely stood and watched, shaking her head with obvious pity, and wondering why she was in the same manga as these people.

"QUIET!" she boomed, her voice bouncing vociferously off the walls. When no one paid her any mind, she sighed and calmly held up the enormous magnet above her head.

Immediately everyone flew into the air and clung to it, unable to chase each other around the room any longer.

"…thank you." Riza nodded, looking at them all with a very serious expression. "Now, when I tear you all apart from this magnet," she said, "no one better move." A murmur of "Yes, maa'aaam…"s followed, and Riza calmly detached everyone from the massive instrument.

Of course, since the magnet had been so strong, it had also attracted millions of paper clips, a few disconnected metal pipes from underground, and a metal dumbbell weighing 50 pounds. However, these items were quickly disposed of, and Hawkeye brought everyone's attention back to her laptop.

"Now, the reason why you are all here," she explained, "is because Roy and I felt it necessary for you to be aware of something very traumatizing." She paused, furrowing her brow. "Well, that's the reason why the Elrics are here, at least; I can only speculate why you are here," she added, giving a strange look to Winry.

"Look—" Mustang snapped impatiently. "A highly disturbing site, 'Fanfiction . Net,' has been discovered. It must be obliterated. Our lives have been recorded by stalking groupies and, worse, fangirls."

There was a pause.

"…so …?" the three teenagers replied, declining their heads in an unconcerned manner.

"Personally," Winry put in, "I'd feel flattered that someone would—"

"Oh, but you haven't read some of these fanfictions," Mustang replied darkly. He gestured to the screen of Riza's laptop, on which Riza had pulled up a story entitled, 'My Immortal.'

All five of them began to quickly skim over it.

- - -

"And then… i totally was all like, '…dude…i would nevr make out wit the lyks of u!!!!111111oneoneeleven1111!!!!!!!' I mean, hav u evr made out w/ him?! Its NOT hot," Mary-Sue declared, ripping off her shirt while da song, "Milkshake" by Kelis played in da background!

All da guys from FMA slowwwwwwwly stared at her hotness, and fell ovr.

"Mary-Sue… I have to admit that…I want you," both Al and Ed said, drroooolingg. Then they beat eech other upp cuz they was pissed. Then, da evil villain came and said "I will kill u!!!" and a evil beam of energy came out of his hand lyk in DragonBall Z.

Den, Mary-Sue said "NOOooOoOoOoOoO!!! stoooOOOOp! Dat'z mean!" She started crying tears of blood, and made out wit Hohenheim behind Ed's back.

"…zomg…STOP! (lol)" said Izumi, Ed and Al's alchemy sensei. "You am being OOC!!! Dat not good!"

And then Dumblydorr from Harry Potter came and charbroiled evryone and fed them all to Hagrid.

Mary-Sue lived, tho, cuz she wuz hot and goffik (get it, "goffik"?). Den, Mary-Sue ripp'd off her mask, and she was really…RIZA HAWKEYE IN DISGUISE! Den she lived happily ever—

->->-

"I don't think so," Riza snapped, immediately exiting from the horrible excuse for fanfiction.

"MY EYES!" Edward bellowed, "THEY BURN!"

"Shut up," Roy demanded, folding his arms impatiently. "I've been meaning to talk to you all about the seriousness of our manga, Full Metal Alchemist: You guys keep acting foolish during the serious scenes, and it's messing everything up. Now, shut up, and stop complaining about your eyes, Full-Metal."

"But…so far, these stories are quite unpleasant," Winry pointed out. "There's nothing better?!"

Alphonse sighed again. "Please… Search for a decent one for us to read, to stop Brother from going mad again…"

"I'll try, Alphonse," Riza agreed, but didn't look too certain that she could.

Half a minute later, she had pulled up a story that seemed to have decent grammar and accurate spelling. Everyone exchanged glances, hoping this one, entitled 'Eternal Love', could be at least a bit better than the others.

->->-

"Oh, hello, my darling, Edward…" Winry said sexily, raising her eyebrows twice in quick succession. "I have been…'waiting'…"

"Winry…I…I…I've loved you all my life," Ed said.

"Then…" Winry smiled, and ripped off Ed's shirt. "Prove it to me—"

->->-

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Winry cut in, suddenly leaping in front of the laptop and blocking everyone's view of the fanfiction. "We are NOT continuing that!"

"None of that would ever happen!" Ed cried, shielding his eyes.

Mustang raised his eyebrows skeptically. "Oh, really, now." He grinned, and looked back and forth between the Full Metal Alchemist and his pretty mechanic.

"Yes, really!" they both shouted in unison.

Alphonse sighed sadly. "Please, perhaps you should give us another example of one of these 'fanfictions,'" he murmured to Riza, who nodded briskly, punched in a few keys on the keyboard, and presented another fic to represent FanFiction . Net. For Ed and Winry's sake, the younger Elric sibling hoped this story, entitled 'Untitled' ,would be a better example than the last.

->->-

"Oh, dear," a girl named Jolie gasped, staring in awe at the horribly creepy figure before her. "It's…it's…IT'S…!"

"Me!" Alphonse exclaimed cheerfully, leaping out of the Full Metal Alchemist anime and landing beside her. "Don't worry, it's alright, Jo'; I'm only here to bring you back into Xenotime with us."

"What…? But…why me…?" she breathed, scared for her life. "I'm only a regular girl in high school! Why didn't you choose any of the other high school girls?"

"Because, Jolie—we need you to help us save the world… Come back with us, and enthrall yourself in a magical journey into our world, with love, happiness, romance, good puns…"

->->-

"We certainly don't have all that…" the real Alphonse muttered under his breath.

"Shhh!" the others snapped, urging him to silence himself so they could continue reading the story.

->->-

"Well, alright… I'll come!" Jolie giggled.

"Alright! Come on!"

And they both leapt back into the FMA anime, and showed up—at a high school?!

"Why are we at a school, Al?" Jolie questioned questionably.

"Oh, I didn't tell you? This whole place has been turned into a huge school for teens! Now we get the same education you guys do! First class is Geometry—OW!"

A huge mean guy had purposely knocked into him, making him drop all his books on the ground. "Oh, sorry, Alphonse. Did I do that?!" he cackled evilly, while his groupies laughed with him. The mean guy turned out to be—General Hughes!

"Oh, I'm so sorry he did that, Al…" Jolie said, comforting the geek.

Just then, a green, malevolent witch picked up Jolie and threw her in her evil pot of human stew. "You'll be a delicious addition to my stew, my dear!" she cackled. Alphonse broke down and cried until he cried so much he couldn't breathe. Then, he keeled over and died.

"AL!" Ed cried from nowhere, magically Apparating beside him.

"Brother..I feel… cold…" Al said, and his eyes glazed over.

-fin-

->->-

There was an elongated silence in the room, during which everyone in the room shook their heads angrily.

Then, Alphonse shook his fist in the air. "But…! I don't even have eyes!" he exclaimed, sounding both frustrated and miserable at once.

"If this…is what those people on FFN have been writing about us," Ed growled, "then we're going to have to take some action." Furiously, he stomped his foot on the ground. The alchemist began pacing around the room. "You know what…?" he mumbled. "I think I know where the people who made this website are from…"

"Where, brother?!" Alphonse asked.

"…when…I was first sent to the Other Side of the Gate…I stayed in a placed called 'London.' There, I had heard of a website called FanFiction… I had never paid much attention to it, but I'm sure of it now—the people who govern and write on this website—are from there: the Other Side."

No one bothered to ask exactly how Edward had returned from the Other Side in the first place, afraid of what the answer might be. Alphonse, however, had the distinct impression that Edward had been pulled out of the Gate and back into "the 'alchemy' world" when Riza had held up the enormous magnet. Perhaps the magnet had attracted him from all the way on the other side of the Gate… It was possible, wasn't it? Highly unlikely—yet possible… he thought.

What other explanation was there? He, Alphonse Elric, had done his best not to act surprised when he'd seen his older brother being magnetically attracted to the magnet with him—for he knew that if he asked about it now, Mustang and Hawkeye would be suspicious about how Ed had been pulled into the Other Side of the Gate in the first place. Still, Alphonse had to wonder: Why isn't Winry surprised? She knew about what had happened to Edward on the day Envy had killed him… So, why wasn't she—

He cut himself off, getting back to the matter at hand, and putting his bothersome questions behind him for now.

Alphonse looked around at the others in the room, noting that he was definitely not the only one highly disturbed about the fanfictions. Winry seemed highly displeased about the fanfictions she had just read; Roy seemed in an even worse mood than he was before; Riza appeared quite disapproving; and Alphonse himself, of course, was still exceedingly distraught about the ending of the last story. The five of them exchanged glances, making a tacit agreement that something had to be done about this.

"I have an idea…" Mustang muttered. "Listen. This is what we'll do…"

An hour later, each of them had all dispersed and announced to anyone who would listen that people from the Other Side of the Gate had been stalking their personal lives and writing horrible fan fictions based on them. This roused quite a ruckus, for people were not particularly pleased about being stalked by what they deemed to be "amateurs."

And, in the end, an angry mob consisting of thousands of people—led by Edward, Roy, Alphonse, Riza, and Winry—was standing at the entrance to the gate, screaming and yelling and threateningly brandishing torches, spears, and pitchforks above their heads.

"NO FAN FICTION! NO FAN FICTION! NO FAN FICTION!"

Edward, so "puny" that he had to stand on something at least four feet tall to be seen by the horde, was positioned on a ladder, clutching a large megaphone in his right hand. (Roy Mustang had been quite glad to rub in the fact that he was almost too short to even climb onto the ladder, which resulted in another mad chase that was eventually put to an end by Riza, Winry, and Alphonse.) Shouting in the megaphone in order to be heard by everyone, he boomed, "THE PEOPLE OF 'FANFICTION . NET' HAVE BEEN TOYING WITH US!"

"HEAR, HEAR!"

"THEY DON'T KNOW US, AND HAVE NO RIGHT TO WRITE SUCH DISGRACEFUL THINGS ABOUT OUR LIVES!"

"HEAR, HEAR!"

"AND WE AREN'T TAKING IT ANY LONGER!"

The crowd went wild, screaming in vigorous agreement with Edward and chanting menacing threats such as "Who's gonna die?! Fanfiction's gonna die!" and "No! No! These stories must go!"

"Come on!" Edward bellowed, and he and his other four companions marched straight into the gate, followed by a mass of angry fools behind them.

The second the angry horde emerged on 'the Other Side,' they began burning down everything in sight, kicking stray animals out of their path, setting fire to small children, and threatening to stab random passersby if they did not move out of the way. Winry had to use Edward's megaphone to politely remind the crowd that they were only trying to put a stop to the Full Metal Alchemist fandom—not the whole world.

"Right. Then let's burn down the Internet!" Mustang shouted, his voice so loud that he did not need a megaphone. "This way!" He marched off to the right, followed by the anti-fanfiction mob behind him.

"Pick up the pace, you slow-asses!" the elder Elric brother cried behind him, urging the others not to linger too far behind. "Are we going to destroy the FMA fandom or not?!" He angrily brandished his two detached auto-mail limbs and advanced, while the rest of the horde screamed in agreement and brandished their own torches and pitchforks.

Tap, tap.

Someone had politely tapped Edward on the shoulder. He whipped around to see a group of half a dozen businesslike people in black suits; curious, he motioned for the angry mob behind them to quiet down.

"Are you the leader of this rally?" the tallest man inquired.

"Er—that depends," he hesistated, but unfortunately—

"Yes he is, and he'll beat you up ANY day!" a random protester cried out proudly.

"I see. We are the people who govern the Fanfiction website," the businessman stated solemnly. "Are you aware that you have violated the rules and guidelines of Fanfiction . Net by being in a story in which you are protesting illegally against us?"

Everyone had gone silent, listening with terrified expressions on their faces.

"No…"

"Well, unfortunately, the story you are currently in insults the FanFiction. Net people, is far too truthful, and besides—we don't like FMA anyway."

"Oh, dear," Winry murmured.

"We're doomed," added a very dismayed Alphonse, smacking his forehead.

"Shut up, I'll deal with this," Edward snapped at them quietly, so that no one else could hear. Then, louder, he said, "Excuse me, sir, but I don't see a legal document that says what the rules and guidelines of your website are. Therefore, what you are saying…is void."

"Oh?"

The tall man who claimed to be the one who governed the Fanfiction website whipped out a small scroll from inside his jacket and unraveled it, reading aloud:

"Failure to comply with site rules will result in the removal of stories and/or removal of account. Incessant failure to abide by site regulations, or unremitting plagiarism and/or duplication of fanfiction, is strictly prohibited and punishable by law. Viewer discretion advised. Restrictions apply, results may vary."

"Damn it," Edward muttered.

And immediately, his—and everyone else's from Full Metal Alchemist—existence was deleted from the planet by those who govern FanFiction . Net, resulting in a horde of angry fangirls beating them down and creating their own rally. These fangirls, in the end, were also obliterated by those who govern FanFiction . Net, for, apparently, it was against the laws of the website to protest against it in any way. This resulted in a horde of angry fangirls' parents, who began to protest that the governors of the website had expunged the lives of their children—and soon after, they too were obliterated.

The Circle of Life. Or, perhaps, Death?

Either way, the news that a third of the main characters from the popular manga 'Full Metal Alchemist' had been mercilessly killed by the leaders of FFN would spread fast, and would soon reach even more fangirls than before. While the businesslike people from the fanfiction website hurriedly dispersed, hiding from the media, a small boy in America took a sip of his tea, coolly leaning back in his chair.

"And to think," he muttered to himself, pausing from reading his Full Metal Alchemist manga, "there's such a thing as alchemy, on the Other Side of the Gate…" He paused, thinking. "Why can't I go there?! It's not fair!"

After a brief moment passed in which the boy angrily hurled his manga across the room, the resentful expression on his face gradually turned into one of contemplation. Then, he grinned.

"Perhaps I should start a protest…"

->-