CHAPTER 1

Dreams of Snakes, Frogs and Foxes

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto….if I did then Tachi and Naru would be getting it on!

This my first attempt at a Naruto fanfiction so I will take all flames and personal jabs at my writing abilities with a light heart and creepy enthusiasm cuz I know I only wrote this story for the heck of it.

WARNING, WARNING, WARNING: yaoi (as in dudes doing weird shit with each other), sexual content, adult language. Rated M for mature and F for fucking funny, at least I hope it's funny. YOU have been WARNED! Don't like it, then don't read it. Seriously, don't do it to sate your curiosity read another story. If none of this makes you want you to read this story less then ENJOY!

Breathing hard Naruto slid onto the forest floor, using a sturdy tree for support and looked up upon the setting sun. Training with Jiraiya these last two years has indubitable made him stronger, but damn it's so tiring how the pervert works him out every day. The endless training sessions, repetition of jutsus until they become second nature, as well as the sparring matches (or as Naruto likes to call it the sadistic bastard beating me up sessions) takes a toll even on someone with as much stamina as Naruto.

Naruto had half expected Jaraiah to just show him how something works then leave him to practice it, while he went and did his 'research'. No such luck though, Jiraiah was like a blood thirsty leech cemented to Naruto's flesh. (ouch!)

"Only, one more year left," breathed Naruto in a relieved sigh. "I wonder what everyone's been up to?" he said as he drifted into a comatose induced sleep of the dead.

The forest where Naruto laid sleeping was peacefully quiet yet teeming with creatures. The collective calls of the wild soothed the sleeping boy, as he dreamed of his friends he had not seen in two years.

I knew I was dreaming the moment a giant purple frog came out of the lake I was sitting beside told me I looked pretty and tried to kiss me. Sooo... after getting over the weirdness of that and escaping the orange tongue of doom I wondered around seeing what else might happen. I soon regretted it though.

I mean it was pretty normal at first. There was a wide open field half enclosed by tall lush green trees and the rest by a sparkling blue lake. There were even animals there, like foxes, insects, fishes and birds; all where they would normally reside in real life. So nothing strange there. But as I walked through the towering forest trees being drawn to the mystery of what laid beyond, I came across a meadow of pretty flowers and residing in the middle of said pretty flowers was none other than I want to kill my brother soooo dead, Uchiha Sasuke.

'What the fuck?' I mouthed the words, unable to comprehend why I was dreaming about that teme in a friggin meadow. I repeat A FRIGGIN MEADOW!

Dream Sasuke presumable unaware or unperturbed by dream Naruto's shock, then proceeded to pick a batch of the purple orchids he was sitting beside and looked in his direction. He then got up, brushed himself off and tried to smooth down his unruly hair, as if trying to make himself presentable. (Author raises brows here) Then he started walking towards dream Naruto at the edge of the meadow. (Hahaha, just image Sasuke skipping towards Naruto in a field of flowers in slow motion, you'll get the joke then)

While all this was happening dream Naruto was busy trying to reassure himself that dreaming about Sasuke in a meadow did not make him a sissy in any way; all the while nodding to himself as he listed various things that made him VERY masculine. This is why he did not notice dream Sasuke's antics until he was a little too close for comfort and alarm bells went off inside Naruto's head.

Run. The word kept on chiming in my head. It was really freeking me out and it kind of got me a little worried, but I'm Uzumaki Naruto and I can take on Sasuke-teme any day of the week. Plus this is my dream and that would make me even more of a sissy. Not that I'm a sissy now, of course!

So I held strong and readied in a taijutsu stance, paying little mind to Sasuke's preferred weapon of choice, flowers. It did register as kind of strange but they could be poisonous for all I know. Not that poisons have much effect on me because of the fox, but Sasuke doesn't know that.

Sasuke neared and I frowned as he refused to get into a proper fighting stance. 'Oh maybe I spoke to soon,' I mentally receded as Sasuke got down on one knee in front of me. Maybe some kind of jutsu he learnt from the pedophile gay snake. 'Better to attack before he does,' I thought as I made the hand sign for the shadow clone jutsu. I never got to to say anything though, because I was too busy gaping like a fish at the words that came out of Sasuke's mouth and the look on his face.

"Naruto, will you go out with me?" said Sasuke as he looked up all cool Uchiha-like into my face, with an expression of what could only be described as earnestness. So of course dream Naruto's response to this was.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…" a scream ripped through the quiet serenity of the forest. Naruto shot up into a sitting position, all the while breathing heavily and trying desperately to suck in as much oxygen as humanely possible. He looked around frantically trying to locate the source of what sounded like the last noise you make before dying a violent death. He saw Jiraiya who too had been awaken from his slumber, who was staring at him.

'Why is Jiraiya staring at me,' I thought. My mental question being answered with.

"That must have been some nightmare, you damn well woke up half the forest," Jiraiya said in a yawn.

"I made that sound," I said disbelievingly.

"Yeah, you scream like a girl or like a guy if you swing that way."

"Pervert!" I could feel the blush creeping up my face. 'Damn that pervert.'

"Oh you're blushing, you really were dreaming about a guy. Hehe" Jiraiya giggled wiggling his fingers in the creepy way only he can. I shuddered as I remember bits of my dream. I shuddered again as the words 'Will you go out with me' all but crawled up and down my skin. My face an anger red as the tint of the blush deepened.

"Soooo….who was it and how far did you go?" Jiraiya fished.

"Leave me alone. I will not become your research material, you perv!" 'Plus I don't want to ever speak of that even if it was just a dream,' I added mentally.

"Oh don't get your panties in a bind. I really do want to know what frightened my little gaki so much," said Jiraiya his expression changing from curious pervert to worried god father.

Seeing him like that I really did want to tell him, but my PRIDE AS A MAN prevented me from doing so.

"It's nothing ero-sensai, just another nightmare about you kissing Tsunade baa-chan," my body doing little convulsions just to emphasis the thought being a nightmare.

"Suuuuuure," Jiraiya said re-positioning himself into his sleeping position, but not going back to sleep without whispering. "Just know that love has no boundaries and I'll support you no matter who you may end up with or what. Night brat."

"Yeah, whatever ero-sennin, night. (Translation of Narutonese: I love you too)". With that Naruto moved to a more comfortable spot on the forest floor and drifted back into a thankfully dreamless sleep.

Oh how unaware he was of the evil low menacing chuckling resonating from inside his mind.

"And so it begins. Soon Naruto-kun, soon…."

Months passed by and there were no more disturbing dreams so Naruto just decided to pretend that it didn't happen, saying that it was just his mind reacting to the physical stress his body was under, retaliating in the best way it saw fit; that is, scaring the shit out of him.

Currently our protagonist is finishing his daily warm-up, "9997, 9998, 9999, 10000," he counted breathing steadily as he placed a finally kick on the once healthy looking tree, now covered in dents.

"Very good Naruto," Naruto smiled brightly up at his sensai. When he had first started out he couldn't even finish the warm-up without passing out and that's when the number of swats, kicks, jumps, laps and punches were only 100 each.

"So good it may be time to take it up a notch," Naruto's smile fell as he thought, 'This can't be good.'

"Starting tomorrow you will do 15,000 of each." (Somewhere in konaha a strange looking man in green tights suddenly felt the need to preach about youth-fullness and thus was kicked out of his lover's bed.)

"Son of bitch," Naruto mumble.

"What was that?" inquired the toad sennin, fully aware of what was said but just wanting to know that the young blond had learn some discipline under his tutelage.

"Hai sensai."

"I thought that's what you said. Now let's get this show on the road," Jiraiya said getting into his taijutsu stance, Naruto doing the same.

(A very one sided fight later…)

Naruto looked worse for wear, right eye swollen shut and left arm hanging lifelessly by his side on his knees breathing heavily with a trail of blood running from his busted lip.

'At least there were no internal injuries this time,' thought Naruto.

He felt a hand rest on his aching shoulder. "You're getting better; the first time we fought you were out for weeks," Jiraiya chuckled.

Naruto glared at his sensai remembering fully well what had happened. "You almost killed me."

"True, but I didn't, anyway you have one hour then I want to show you a new ninjutsu."

With that said Naruto let his body fall unto the forest floor falling asleep before he even hit the ground.

Naruto woke up in a familiar room with a familiar cage holding a familiar evil fox demon.

"What do you want this time fox?" Naruto said knowing that whenever he got pulled in here and his life wasn't in danger then the Kyuubi wanted something.

Amused low chuckling filled the room. "Oh, you think I want something from you do you."

Naruto looked back at the fox with a duh look on his face. "Why else would you bring me here?"

The Kyuubi's chuckling increased in volume. "That's because it's almost time."

Naruto narrowed his eyes at the fox. 'It's up to something, this can't be good.'

"Time for what?" Naruto asked cautiously.

"Time to breed of course!" the Kyuubi exclaimed voice sounding less deep bordering on girly and filled with…..enthusiasm.

Red eyes stared into blue, blue eyes stared into red. There was a brave silence. Then…

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…" Naruto laughed long and hard, so hard in fact that he began to choke and was holding his side for added measure, but even as he began gasping for air and was practically seizing on the ground Naruto continued to laugh for he had just heard the funniest thing in his entire life.

The Kyuubi had been expecting this response having been exposed to the boy's character for so long but its patience grew thin as the ungrateful whelp showed no sign of stopping his idiotic tirade. No the Kyuubi was not pleased at all and to show its great displeasure a fearsome roar ripped through the jaws of the beast and reverberated through the sewer that was Naruto's mind. This got the blonds attention. Yup it pleased the fox much to see the blond vermin jump at the shock and hit his head in the iron ceiling. Much pleasure indeed.

"Owww, you stupid fox! What was that for?"

"That, you incompetent pea brain was for your incessant obnoxious laughter."

"Aww come on, you gave me a joke so I laughed. Why are you so mad about it now? Though I have to admit I never really thought you were one to give jokes but funny is funny and that my very furry friend is the funniest joke I have ever heard."

"It wasn't a joke," the fox said with a deadpan expression. This of course caused Naruto to giggle and the fox to be angered about not being taken seriously.

"I said it's not a fucking joke," the fox said with a little more force in its voice.

Naruto just starred on. "How can you say that with a straight face, you have seriously got to teach me how to do that." The fox's anger boiled and the room was flooded with an oppressive atmosphere, killing intent. Feeling this Naruto quickly reevaluated the situation and began to have second thoughts about the foxes attempt at jesting.

"W-wait, you really believe that it's time to ah….." Naruto paused not really comfortable with the word.

"…..breed?"

The killing intent subsided and a wide grin appeared on the foxes face.

"Yes," exclaimed happily the suddenly bipolar fox. Naruto sweat dropped.

"You do know that boys don't have babies right?" Naruto asked slowly as if he were talking to a small child not a millennia old fox demon.

"Of course I know that…

"Feww, so you were joking, you scared me for….

"…but neither of us is male, or at least you won't be male for very much longer."

Once again blue eyes starred into red and red into blue, but as much as Naruto wanted to laugh he could tell that the fox was serious; the absolute joy in the fox's eyes left no room for doubt. So Naruto did the only thing he could think of.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…," Naruto screamed for all he was worth. Body springing up into a sitting position, body shaking violently as tears rained down his face.

Jiraiya hopped down from the tree he was in as soon as he heard Naruto scream, rushing over to his blond student. He knelt down in front of him putting both hands on his shoulders trying to ascertain the source of his sudden turmoil. As far as he could see all the wounds from their spar had been healed so he shouldn't be in pain. Maybe it was the…..Jiraiya was cut off from his assessment by his student launching himself into his chest, gripping his shirt hard and sobbing.

Jiraiya just stayed silent and enclosed his arms around his god-child. 15 minutes later Naruto stopped crying; now only letting out a few whimpers as he extracted himself from Jiraiya's chest.

"b-breed…..female…..c-crazy-ass-fox, " Naruto stammered taking in large gulps of air.

"Huh," was the toad sennin's response.

Naruto looked up into Jiraiya's face and could see the confusion there so he took one more large gulp of air and slowly got out of his sensai's arms and started pacing.

Jiraiya watched in concern as Naruto paced back and forth seemingly trying to calm himself, then as he stop pacing and looked directly at him. Then he said words that honestly Jiraiya had never ever expected to come out of his god-SON's mouth.

"The fox told me I can have children."

Jiraiya opened his mouth to say something.

"No I'm not fucking kidding."

Jiraiya promptly closed his mouth. His mouth opened and closed several times but for the life of the super pervert he had no clue how to respond to that.

"But that's not possible," Jiraiya was finally able to say.

"Don't you think I know that?! I told the fox that guys can't have kids and it told me that we aren't guys. What the hell? I have a penis; I have always had a penis!" Naruto exclaimed in frustration.

"Wait," Jiraiya said holding firmly onto Naruto's shoulders and looking him directly in the eyes, "Say that again."

Naruto said the first thing that came to his mind, "I have a penis."

…Smack…

"No not that you idiot"

"The fox said we aren't guys?" Naruto questioned while pouting and rubbing his head. Seeing as how he wasn't hit again he probably said what Jiraiya wanted so he continued his rant. "I mean can you believe that and it was so serious, but that can't be true can it?

Naruto looked hopefully at his sensai. 'I mean he may be a pervert and old but he does know his stuff, so he'll tell me that the fox was just messing with me and then him, me and the readers can have a good laugh.' Naruto looked up hopefully eyes sparkling.

"It's true."

So not the answer Naruto was expecting.

End chapter

Alright that's it, not really rated M just yet nor is it that funny, but I must know if my cynical humor is funny to me alone so please review honestly, so I can either continue this story or go back to the drawing board with a new one. Thanks for reading…Chio!