Maybe, a saiyuki fanfic

Title: Maybe
Author: Alexine
Pairing: 383 :D
Rating: PG

Hello! Alexine here! I thought I'd share with everyone a fanfic I wrote last Valentine's day (though, if I knew about FFNet's certain '3-day posting' rule, then I would have registered sooner). I am thinking of writing more Saiyuki, but as I said, it's a thought. :3 Anyway, enjoy!

Maybe

By Alexine

"It's been four years since I've celebrated this holiday with her," Hakkai said. "I think, for most of today, I'd like to be alone."

Hakkai left in the morning, before two of his three companions could wake up. Sanzo was awake, but kept himself still. He thought he heard tears in Hakkai's voice. The demon hadn't been getting enough sleep and his skin was almost as white as the walls in the room. He kept his smile, but he always smiled. He could smile even in the deepest pain. That was what he did then. He smiled as he entered the gray day world, the sky crying soft, frozen tears for the heartbroken.

Sanzo was smoking in the room he shared with Hakkai when Gojyo entered. The half-demon ignored the scowl on the monk's face and learned against the wall. Running his hand through blood-colored strands, he explained he was going out to charm a few ladies. The monkey was asleep still as he discovered the joy of jumping on a bed and posing different action poses till about 3 A.M. He'd be out till it was at least lunch time. Sanzo still had that same scowl on his face when Gojyo left. He was alone again, just staring at the falling drops. He smashed the cigarette into ashtray and let out the last bit of smoke.

"This is fucking insane."

Hakkai was walking around the town most of the morning. The smiles and laughter of different couples pained his heart, though he kept a smile on his face. He shivered and realized he left his coat inside the hotel. He didn't want to go back, especially not to face his blonde roommate, so he headed towards the woods and leaned against a tree. The area was only a short distance from the town and overlooked a small pond, so it was the perfect place to be away from everyone. He whispered the name of a loved one from long ago and felt his heart crack. The pond he overlooked may have been frozen, but his watery eyes threatened to overflow.

Sanzo left the hotel a little later than Gojyo. He didn't want to be there when golden eyes opened and loud footsteps disturbed him. He didn't want to be pestered with yellings of "Harahetta." He didn't want to stay warm or be by large amounts of food. He knew Goku wouldn't leave the building because of his feelings on snow, so he would most likely eat there and wait for one of them to come back and pay off his tab. He was hoping Gojyo would make it back first.

The monk looked up at the sky and saw only fluffy, marshmallow-like clouds raining down soft snowflakes. The cold didn't bother him. The cold suited him best. Ice was best kept in cold conditions. He ignored the words that he heard; he was warm like the sun. Like hell! The sun isn't wrapped in an icy disposition, is it? He kept on his normal attire, but he carried with him a trench coat. He knew someone would be needing it.

With a cigarette between his lips, he walked away from it all. The buildings; tall, artificial mountains covered in snow; the people; giggling idiots all around; the feeling inside; something he needed to depart from. He kept crunching snow under his boots. The cigarette smoke melted the snowflakes. Crunch and melt. Melt and crunch.

His violet eyes caught the sight of a bright red heart painted on a window. A sign hung over the door; Bakery. A strong aroma of freshly baked bread and cookies and cakes surrounded the building. He breathed it in, finally breathing in something pure instead of tainted. He looked at the door and cursed himself as he entered. Perhaps there was a blush on his pale face.

The demon continued to gaze at the lake. His eyes skated along the different reflections seen as a river raged underneath. Pure crystal on top. Pure torment underneath. He chuckled but only in his mind. It sounded like someone he knew. If only the ice reflected violet instead of gray.

He could hear footsteps come closer to him, but Hakkai didn't look back. The footsteps were quiet crunches when they would normally be soft and silent. He felt a presence across the tree from him but he didn't say a word. He even stayed silent when he felt the vibration of another body on the tree and heard a cigarette become alive. His expression changed, however, when he noticed an arm stretched out to him, holding out a cream-colored trench coat.

"Thank you," he said silently. He heard a grunt as he slipped the coat on. Did he feel warmer because of the coat he wore or because of something inside? For the next few minutes, silence coated them just as the snow did. It didn't matter to them. For them, silence was something relaxing and beautiful. Sometimes, words were not needed. They were never needed to create security or beauty, were they? The silence of the trees kept the squirrels safe and in the spring the same silence allowed beautiful blossoms to flourish. But sometimes, words were needed.

"You heard me this morning, didn't you?" Hakkai asked softly, quietly. Sanzo could hear the crystal river of Hakkai's voice perfectly, but it seemed that crystal river voice would overflow. The blonde man stayed silent.

"It's been four years since I've celebrated Valentine's Day with her. When we were together, I'd always tell her she didn't need to get me something. She was the only thing I wanted. She once tried to make chocolate herself but ended up burning it. She still insisted on getting me something and she did." His chuckle at the memory sounded like it hurt. "She'd always present me something with a blush. She said that the gift was a sign of love. I never thought that though. Just being there…being with me was enough. Just being and feeling loved was enough." His eyes stared past the snow, the frozen pond, the forest. He stared out into that space where memories are kept, where the heart swells with happiness or pain and just for a fleeting second, everything can be experienced once again. And for a second, he forgot who he was talking to. For a second, he wanted to let out the story his heart memorized.

Sanzo stayed silent through the story. He watched the snow fall like powdered sugar. He let the smoke rise and ash fall, imitation snow. He felt his heart crack at the story. He just listened. He was good for listening. He was good for answers as well.

"Sanzo…may I ask you a question?"

"Wasn't that a question?"

A chuckle. There was no pain this time. "I guess you're right. Then, may I ask you two questions?"

"As long as it isn't stupid."

Hesitation came before the words passed Hakkai's lips. "Do you think…it's wrong for me to keep remembering this? For me to remember her?"

The cigarette was smashed into the snow and the snow continued to fall. "…I thought you were the smart one, Hakkai."

"Am I really?" He laughed. "Maybe it's just that I need a little reminder of love. If not of the person itself, then a gift."

Sanzo walked from his spot and stood next to Hakkai. While leaning against the tree, the monk took from his robe a small bag covered in hearts and held it in front of Hakkai's face. Hakkai took the bag and looked inside. Cookies glittering with sugar were shaped like hearts as were the strawberries covered in silky chocolate. He looked back at Sanzo, shocked at the action, but Sanzo didn't catch his gaze. Those pools of violet looked out into the open space. They seemed to glow from the blush on Sanzo's cheeks. A smile blossomed on Hakkai's face. He stepped out where the flakes of ice covered him and looked down at the reflection.

His voice was now a receding river; desiring and wanting of love in the form of tears from the heavens. "Sanzo, what would you do with a teacup with hairline fractures?" My heart is like a teacup with hairline fractures, Hakkai thought. Maybe soon enough, it'll be smashed into one thousand pieces, each piece representing a fragment of what I was long ago. Maybe the pieces will represent what I am now, each with specks of blood ingrained. Hakkai was snatched away from his thoughts when he heard the clicks of a lighter.

Sanzo put the lighter away, cursing the damn thing for needing a new flint. The cigarette stayed between his lips. "It depends on the value. Maybe it would be better if it was smashed." Another crack. Another fracture. "However, I'd use some adhesive and care for it." The cracks stopped and there was no more pain. Some warm feeling rushed over Hakkai, but he didn't look back.

The cigarette was snapped in half and Sanzo watched the nicotine shreds imitate snowflakes. He dropped what remained of the broken cigarette and kept his eyes on the frozen earth.

"What if…" Hakkai heard that voice; rough crystals sparkling in the sun. The voice seemed softer now. Just as rough, but maybe it sparkled more. With what? Tears? Hesitation? Sanzo with a hint of emotion was surprise enough, but this could bring shock. "What if it was a block of ice? What would you do then?"

A heart of ice. Never the sun. Just because my hair color is blonde doesn't mean shit. My personality is worse than a blizzard and I know it. All around I've been known for my cold personality, my ice heart. It's been frozen for so long, could I even feel anymore? A few moments here and there don't mean a thing. Hell, why did I even bother to ask? Why did I even care what his opinion was? Sanzo kept his gaze on the snow and his thoughts up in the clouds.

The curious look on the demon's face became a smile. A good-natured laugh passed his lips as he said, "It needs warmth and love, of course. It needs it no matter what." The monk lifted his head and his amethyst eyes kept themselves focused on Hakkai.

Hakkai turned around and walked back to the shelter from the cold world, to Sanzo. A natural smile, not the mask that usually sat upon his face, made him more beautiful and made Sanzo feel warm inside. He wouldn't admit to it. Not now anyway.

"Hey Sanzo, do you ever smile?"

"…I don't do smiling…"

"I see." Hakkai leaned closer to Sanzo, putting one hand on the tree and having his emerald eyes skate on the icy amethyst eyes. "What about love? Do you love?" Those final words were whispered and Sanzo felt Hakkai's hot breath against his lips. He soon felt soft lips pressing against his own. Hakkai was surprised that Sanzo had such soft lips, like plump pink rose petals, and Sanzo was surprised Hakkai was so refreshing to him, like cold water that was hinted with sweetness. The blonde's hand caressed the brunette's face gently. One hand rested on the demon's back. Another hand rested on the human's waist. After a few moments, they departed, their breaths becoming visible in the brisk air. Their eyes both glowed from a new feeling inside.

"Do I do love?" Sanzo repeated. His voice was now like a crystal at midnight; the beauty hidden by the rough darkness. "Well, if you keep me feeling this way, I just might." Green eyes glittered happiness.

"Maybe then you'll do smiling."

"…Hakkai, you talk too much." No more was left of the conversation as the two kissed once again, letting the feeling warm themselves from the cold, frozen-rain day.

Maybe fractures would continue to appear and maybe ice would harden more. Maybe there would be smiles and maybe there would be frowns. Maybe there silence was there to comfort them and maybe words were needed for comfort as well. Maybe the person was the gift and maybe the gift could invite something new. But maybe with what began that day, their hearts would heal and love again.