Disclaimer: I do not own The Mortal Instruments or anything pertaining to it except my own writing. I do not own the quote I used as the title. All rights go to the rightful owners.
Thank you.
You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it. That is all.
It was an acute sort of pain. It cannot be truly described, cannot be fully understood by another unless they themselves have been subjected to it. In his innumerable years, Magnus Bane had come to believe that he had felt every sort of pain that existed in the world. The hurt one experienced from the loss of a good friend; the loss of a loved one; the feeling that no matter how hard you tried, nothing could make a certain situation any better, so devastating that it drove you to tears of anger, sorrow, frustration.
But this was a different sort of pain.
He felt numb.
He had thought he'd done every hard thing he would come across. Getting over loss and moving on, but learning how to store the happier memories in a special place, a place that could be revisited whenever he liked. Forgetting the bad, because otherwise he would be eaten alive by them.
But walking away from Alexander Lightwood had somehow topped it all.
Somehow, he had done it, despite every nerve ending in every corner of his body screeching, demanding he turn around and allow the young Shadowhunter the forgiveness and the second chance for which he had been pleading, groveling for in that subway tunnel. Heart shouting at him to fall back and lose himself in those blue eyes, to tangle himself in that black mess of hair as he had so many times before.
But he couldn't. Even though each step felt like a dull blade were being taken to a cord that bound their hearts to the very core. He couldn't, and it took everything Magnus had to keep his eyes forward, his back unturned. He didn't have enough to appear unwavering. Alec had been the extra strength he had always needed. Now it was just the question of if Magnus would survive without the support.