"What exactly am I supposed to be doing?" Nick asked. "I feel like my hands are going to be deformed after holding them this way for so long." He'd been sitting on the couch with Jess for almost an hour now, holding his hands up as Jess wound inch after inch of yarn across his fingers, tugging at them every so often as she knitted yet another scarf. Or maybe it was a sweater. He didn't know. All he knew was his arms hurt and he desperately wanted a beer.
"Come on Nick, I'm almost finished. Besides, I remember promising certain bedroom activities would ensue upon completion, did I not?" she said, not bothering to look up from her project.
Nick considered this, sighing. "Yeah, alright. So what did you say you're making again?"
"Legwarmers, for my sister."
Oh, right he thought. Jess's sister was gonna be here next week. Jess hadn't really mentioned her – he got the feeling they weren't very close, which he found odd, as Jess could be close with a pretty piece of scrapbook paper.
"What are those supposed to be?" he said, nodding to two small yarn balls dangling like a windchime from the top (bottom?) of the legwarmer.
"Oh – those are blood drops!" she said cheerily.
"What?" he asked, surprised. "Why would you knit blood drops on a legwarmer?"
"She's into that stuff. Vampires, goth... things. I don't know, she's a little dark."
Nick snorted. "Vampires are lame."
Jess looked up. "Why?"
"Because they are, that's why. They're the lamest of the horror monsters – they don't even deserve to be called monsters. They're monster-lite."
Jess continued to knit. "Out of curiosity, what's the best monster."
"Duh, Zombies."
Putting down her needles, Jess looked at him and tilted her head. "OK, Vampire vs. Zombie, who wins?"
Nick shook his head. "That wouldn't even happen."
"But say it did?
"But it wouldn't. They don't even live in the same monster universe!" he said emphatically.
"I say Vampire." Jess stated.
"Are you being serious right now, Jessica?"
"Vampires are stronger, common knowledge. Plus, they aren't brain dead, so they're smarter too." she reasoned. Nick was flabbergasted.
"I can't believe you just said that? You really think they'd win? Alright, what about the fact that if a Vampire even gets near a zombie, he's gonna be bitten?"
"So he get's bitten. He's already dead, he's not going to get 'deader'."
"Oh, but he will get infected. He get's infected, turns into Zombie. Zombie wins."
"But what if the Vampire bites the zombie?"
Nick frowned. "Why would a vampire bite a zombie?"
"To kill it." she said simply.
"No, that's not how that works. That's ridiculous." he said, shaking his head. "On a scale of one to ten, a vampire is a five, maybe a six if you're talking old-school, teleporting kind. But a zombie is a straight up ten."
"Okay, Mr. I-know-all-about-vampires, then why do people die when they're bitten by one?"
"They don't die, they turn into a vampire. And I don't know everything about vampires. Just more than you." he said with a smirk.
Jess rethought her stance. No way he was going to win this one. "Besides, a vampire can't turn into a zombie. You have to die to become a zombie, and they're already dead – same rule applies."
"No, they're body is alive, it's their soul that's undead. Zombie virus affects brain activity, so if a Vampire gets' bitten, it alters the chemical makeup of the brain." Nick said smugly. Definitely winning this one.
"You can't figure out how to program the coffee maker, but you can wax poetic about chemical makeup?" she said with a giggle.
"This is important! Look, bottom line is a Zombie has every advantage. A vampire can't even walk around in the daytime! And when the zombies eat all the people, how's a vampire even gonna survive? Survival of the fittest."
"What about the decay? A vampire is immortal, all he has to do is wait out the zombies and they'll eventually rot away."
He didn't have a snappy retort for that. "You know what, this whole argument is stupid, because there are just too many factors. Besides, it wouldn't even happen, because Vampires aren't real."
"Neither are Zombies." she countered.
"Yet." Nick said.
"You're just mad because you're losing." she said with a grin.
"I'm not losing. You're losing. Shut up." he argued.
"Done!" she said, dropping her knitting needles and holding up the legwarmer. "It looks good, right? She's gonna love them. We'll do the other one tomorrow." she said, balling up the rest of the yarn and placing it back in the basket.
"Other one?" he said with a groan.
"Yeah. Two legs, two warmers! It'll give you time to prep your argument a little more. Unless you're ready to admit that I"m right."
"Tomorrow it is. Wasted years of law school are gonna pay off when I point my finger and mock you." he replied.
She leaned over and gave him a soft kiss. "So, are you up for punching the ole' love time card?" she asked.
Nick looked into her sparkling blue eyes while he shook off yet another antiquated sex euphemism. "So weird." he mumbled. She jumped up from the couch and started towards her room. Nick stood to follow, and stopped upon realizing something. He pulled a pen and receipt from his pocket and scribbled quickly. 'Zombies outnumber vampires'. Smiling at yet another point in his favor, he placed the paper back in his pocket and continued towards the room. "Bring it on Day." he said quietly.