A/N: I don't own KH.
Warnings: Fantasies of a relationship with an underage partner
Also, punctuation is the source of all darkness.
My own heart is darkness!
The first thing that Eraqus notices are his eyes. They are filled with a deep, ocean blue that draws the master in like a moth to a flame. Next, it's his lashes: long curtains that flutter with every heaving sob. His face, Eraqus assumes, would have been splotchy and flushed from crying. Instead, the master sees skin smothered with soot, snot, and what he hopes is mud because if it isn't, it's blood. Fortunately, it's too dark to tell and he doesn't look too closely.
That day he returns to the Land of Departure with a new charge.
After a thorough bath, Eraqus finds a boy, complete with mousy brown hair and soft, chubby cheeks that clash horribly with the emaciated body underneath. The master immediately sets out to remedy this and cooks up a pot full of thick, creamy soup. At the table, the boy ignores the spoon and slurps up the broth like an uncultured dog. Predictably, he makes a mess, and Aqua-little Aqua who barely reaches the master's waist-giggles innocently. The boy stares at her as if he's never heard laughter before.
The boy has a name: Terra.
Terra spends the first couple of months in his new home quieter than a shadow, but then develops into a bright and eager child. He and Aqua become inseparable friends, and although Eraqus is initially wary, he cannot detect any of the shadows that clouded his own relationship with Xehanort. Instead, he is blinded by their brilliant potential. He holds so much hope for their future that his heart aches. Each day training them passes like a remarkable dream.
However, Eraqus knows that it cannot last. He hasn't believed in perfection since the day he learned about the darkness that lingers in every heart. He just doesn't expect for it to fall apart in the way it does: starting with a small, mute boy.
Eraqus is so proud of his apprentices when they take this complete stranger under their wing. Their kindness is a sign that their hearts are filled with light. Unfortunately, things are different now. With a third apprentice, the balance that Eraqus carefully maintained with his two older pupils is disrupted. Terra spends more and more of his time with Ven, wholeheartedly returning the younger boy's affection. Eraqus easily recognizes the idolizing look in Ven's eyes since Terra once held that same gaze for him. Although Eraqus knows that Terra still respects-no, loves-him, he sees that look directed at him less and less.
The master refuses to believe that he is jealous.
The first dream happens in the middle of summer. It is vague, no more than a blur of bodies, but the sensations from the dream are overwhelmingly intense. He remembers the touch of a smaller, lithe form pressed up against his own and his skin tingles just from the thought of it. He remembers nuzzling his partner's soft hair and inhaling the clean scent of earth. He remembers passion and heat and long, drawn-out moans of pleasure.
The dream haunts him for the rest of the day.
The master tries to divert his attention into a hard sparring session with Terra who has been improving in leaps and bounds (though the "hard" is still more for Terra than himself), and a rushed, cold shower afterwards. The latter helps a lot, the former not as much as he was hoping. Eventually, Eraqus comes to the conclusion that even old men like him have their moments (though he hasn't had this sort of dream in years) and chalks it up to the recent heat wave.
But it happens again.
And again and again.
Eraqus wakes up once more in sweat-soaked sheets: stiff, and uncomfortable. His dream partner remains frustratingly mysterious. If only he could figure out who it was, he could deal with his feelings appropriately. Trying to regulate his thoughts on someone he can't even identify is fruitless. All he knows is that he is fantasizing about a young male with hair long enough to seize and pull-
The master wonders if he is being preyed upon by his memories of a younger Xehanort. Though the two of them never engaged in such activities, Eraqus remembers that his colleague was once unarguably handsome.
Unfortunately, Eraqus is wrong.
Horribly wrong.
As the autumn season begins to settle in, the master's desperation grows. He doesn't even realize how much these dreams have affected him until he finds himself in a heated argument against Terra. He's not even sure what it is they're fighting about except for that it's frivolous and a that a man of his position should be embarrassed to be involved. However, there is a wet sheen in Terra's eyes and Eraqus reminds himself that as much as he preaches self-control and composure, his apprentice is still so very young.
Soon Terra storms to his room and Eraqus takes a moment to collect himself. He hasn't been sleeping well lately, how can he with those... nightly fantasies? He has been irritable like a teenager (ironic, really) and his ridiculous, reawakened libido only serves to fuel his ill-temper. Though Terra should not have acted the way he did, Eraqus is well aware that he-especially as a master-should not have either. So after Eraqus deems that enough time has passed for their heated emotions to calm down, he goes to Terra to talk. The following conversation is cathartic and everything he was aiming for. When the master finally sets out to leave, there is a short pause before Terra impulsively jumps up and hugs him. Eraqus returns the embrace even though Terra is now tall enough that his fluffy hair tickles his nose. The feeling makes the master laugh quietly, but his mirth ends abruptly when he registers the smell of clean earth. The boy quickly lets go and smiles shyly as he scratches the back of his head. Terra looks flustered and can't meet his master's eyes. Eraqus is too busy silently panicking to really notice.
"Is everything alright, Master?" Terra asks innocently.
Eraqus snaps out of his trance and meets his apprentice's wide, searching eyes and is immediately drawn into their dark, infinite blue.
"I'm fine," he mumbles and rushes out with as much dignity as he can muster.
That night he dreams again, and for the first time, he sees his partner's deep and endless eyes.
They are Terra's eyes.
Horrified, he throws himself out of bed and ends up on the floor. He is panting as if he'd just suffered through his worst nightmare (or the most pleasurable wet dream he can remember). The room spins around him as he stumbles into the bathroom. The subsequent, freezing shower washes away his erection, but his hysteria still lingers. Feigning normalcy, he goes downstairs for breakfast and sees Terra horsing around with Ven and Aqua as if the world hadn't just ended. But, Eraqus suddenly realizes, that to Terra, it hasn't.
That very night, Eraqus falters. One hand grips the sheets as the other closes around his erection. He lets the sensations from his dreams wash over him and revels in the feeling of flawless, child's skin beneath his palms, the weight of a sticky body, and the sounds of Terra's sweet, songbird cries. Eraqus imagines gazing into glassy, blue eyes, unfocused with bliss, and comes with a bitter moan.
When he falls back down to reality, Eraqus feels numb. What just happened is at such odds with his own self-image that he cannot comprehend the shock of his actions. It feels like everything he once believed himself to be has been turned into an illusion. He is crumbling around the edges and spilling out like sand between his grasping fingers.
But at last, he can identify his mysterious partner and knows with absolute finality that it cannot ever happen. He is ragingly disgusted with himself for even fantasizing about it. However, now that he has a name to the erotic person in his dreams, he can work to exorcise these inappropriate feelings from his mind just like he planned months ago. Eraqus decides then and there that Terra is like a son to him and that no proper father would ever entertain such ideas about his son. In the future, he stamps out any and all suggestive notions that bud into his mind with a mantra of sonsonson.
He resolutely ignores the tinny, little voice in his head that points out that they're not actually related because it does absolutely nothing to justify Terra's age.
Eraqus starts to distance himself from his apprentice. Terra is growing up and is already branching out on his own, so the master believes that his own precautions won't hurt. Embraces become pats on the back. A hand that would have once guided Terra through keyblade katas becomes a list of vocalized orders. Eraqus is sterner and hands out less compliments. Around Terra, he praises independence and autonomy and refuses to coddle the now young man. If Terra ever truly needs comfort, Eraqus is confident that his other apprentices would be able to supply it. Terra is a teenager and he is too old for his master to indulge him.
This thought becomes a firm rule in Eraqus's mind and he vows never to break it. Not even as Terra becomes increasingly rebellious. Not even as those blue eyes darken with hurt. If anything, Eraqus's resolve only hardens when the dreams refuse to vanish over the years. No matter how he disciplines his mind and body, his subconscious rages with lust and he can't help but notice the changes in Terra as his apprentice develops: how once gangly arms fill in with muscle more solid than his own, how a boy once shorter than Aqua now towers over her, how soft baby-fat melts into a sharp, aristocratic face. However, the smiles are what catches Eraqus's attention the most: the way Terra's eyes glitter and his lips quirk when he is about to prank Ven, the way the his whole face seems to crease upward when he laughs with Aqua, the gentle, quiet smile when Terra thinks he is alone and is contemplating his friends.
Eraqus takes note of it all. Greedily drinking up every detail like a depraved pervert. But with every observation, he thinks son. Chants it over and over again until he is screaming it into his mind every time he so much as glimpses the young man.
Terra is beautiful.
But thankfully, Terra is also entirely oblivious.
At night, when the master goes to bed and finally closes his eyes, he opens them again moments later to the sight of blue ones meeting his own. He is lying naked in a luxurious bed, nestled deeply in silken sheets. The room glows with soft sunlight that filters in through swaying, sheer curtains. Terra is hovering above him, straddling his master's waist. He leans down for a chaste kiss and then moves on to nibble a sensitive ear. As Eraqus runs his hands over tanned, silky skin, he feels a mysterious smile forming against the shell of his ear. He wants to see it, wants to see that beaming face pointed at him so he flips them around. Terra allows it, easily rolling under without resistance, but the boy's unruly hair obscures his view. Before Eraqus can raise his hand to brush it aside, Terra surges forward and seals their lips.
Eraqus basks in Terra's single-minded focus that he fears as a master, but revels in as a man. When he is awake, Eraqus will condemn Terra's intensity and call it "obsession", but in his dreams, he cannot deny it. After all, what is obsession if not extreme passion?
His own rough, age-worn hands wander further down, causing the body beneath him to writhe. He watches intently as Terra's hands crumple the sheets, clenching and unclenching, in a struggle to remain grounded. A fruitless struggle, Eraqus decides, for the older man is going to absolutely ravish the body beneath him. He takes note of the golden oil resting on the nightstand and reaches over to pour it onto his hand where it glistens on his fingers like freshly spilled blood. Terra is pliant and loose, but his Adam's apple bobs up and down frantically in a vain effort to breathe. Eraqus's gaze wanders up towards Terra's face. The unseen smile is gone, replaced by something much more twisted: eyes squeezed shut, jaw clenched, and teeth bared. It looks like Terra is in pain, but Eraqus knows better-knows that it is actually pleasure that tortures his apprentice.
Feeling playfully wicked, Eraqus twists his fingers almost violently into Terra, forcing a cry to escape from gritted teeth. The master preens in the knowledge that he caused it. He takes his time drinking in every moan, every whimper that spills from Terra mouth. When his fingers finally slide out, he pauses to let the young man calm down from what must have been a painful edge. He gently pets brown hair, marveling in its softness and can't help but swoop down and nip at swollen, abused lips.
At this, Terra blearily unlocks his lids revealing teary, yet wonderful, blue eyes deeper than Aqua's pure spring water and Ven's summer sky. Eraqus sees his own desire reflected in them and smiles, knowing that his lust is returned. He drinks up Terra's attention like a man dying of thirst, all of it finally directed onto him and only him. He is gladly drowning in those eyes and sinks so far into those ocean depths that he can no longer see the light. Yet, he can't help but notice that he has never been so happy in his life. It is euphoric.
But this-
This is no dream. This is a nightmare.
As he falls forward, his limp body aches not from unbearable arousal, but from the pain of deep bruises and the burn of black spells. Terra's face is not contorted with pleasure, but instead, absolute horror.
Eraqus despairs knowing that this is his legacy: that of all the things he could have passed on-blade skills, magic spells, or even discipline-this misery, this guilt that plagued his heart for years is what Terra will receive.
Those blue eyes that look back at him are not filled with lust, but rather, the shadows of self-loathing that has haunted Eraqus in the mirror for years.
They are the last thing he sees before the darkness finally takes him.