Stillness
Summary: AU Season 3-4. Nathan never gave Haley a second chance after she left him for the tour. He built a wall around his heart but with high school over, will those walls crumble?
I know I shouldn't start another story but this one isn't going to be that long. I'm in an angsty mood and this story has been running through my mind the past few days, begging me to finally write it. I hope that by posting this, my mind will clear up and help me update my other stories. I've been in a down mood ever since someone very close to me left to move half way across the country and this story reflects that. It's similar to some other stories I posted before but with some differences. Enjoy and please review.
. . . .
The party roared behind him but Nathan Scott choose to spend the moment by the nearby lake overlooking a small lake. He should go back, talk to his teammates and classmates he'd probably never see in a while, but he couldn't go back there just yet. He enjoyed the peaceful and calm effect the water was having on him. His mind drifted to the one person who always invaded his thoughts and sure enough she was standing right behind him.
"Peaceful huh?" Haley said, walking slowly towards him.
For early June, it was surprisingly cool on this North Carolina night. Nathan wore jeans and a long sleeve black shirt. He looked up and down and saw Haley with a pair of jeans, a simple top and a light jacket on. Her face still had the hint of make up from earlier in the day during graduation but her hair was pulled up in a bun. She looked stunning, not like she never looked anything else.
"Yeah.." He muttered while turning to face the water again.
"I've been here once.... Luke and I rode our bikes here when were younger. He tried to convince me that this old plantation was haunted." She said nervously, hoping to break the ice.
"Yeah.. I remember you told me." He said softly, his eyes still on the water.
She was surprised that he knew but she remembered she did mention this place to him in passing before, back when they were together, back when they were still husband and wife.
"I can't believe you remembered." She said softly.
"I remember more than you know." He answered plainly.
"Too bad you remember everything." She said sighed and walked closer to him. "Nathan.. I .." She tried to get the words out but he turned to face her and took a step back away from her, his hands up telling her not to go any further.
"Haley.. don't."
But she didn't care, she had to say it. "I love you." She looked up at him, her eyes glistening and Nathan fought the urge to wrap his arms around her and hold her tight. But he couldn't go back there, not now, maybe not ever.
"I know that's now what you want to hear." She added.
"You're right .. it's not.. please Haley, don't do this now.." Nathan shook his head.
"I know.. I just .. I just had to say it .. do.. do you?"
Nathan sighed. She looked so sad, so vulnerable, at the moment it was enough to make him weak.
"I do love you Haley.. I just.. I just can't forget." He wanted to make sure the lines were still drawn and he wasn't leading her on. The last thing he wanted was for her to cling onto some false hope about them.
"I know." She admitted defeat. "But .. can.. can you forgive?" She asked hesitantly and Nathan raised his eyebrows in curiosity.
"I know leaving for the tour hurt you .. it hurt me too."
"Haley, don't!" Nathan warned. She choose to leave not the other way around. Whatever ill feelings she had about the tour, she brought it upon herself not him, Nathan told himself.
"I know we can never be what we used to be.. I know that now .. but I just want to know if there was someway.. somehow .. you can forgive me what for what I did to you.. that's all I'm asking." Her voice was shaky.
Nathan studied her face, so sad and genuine. His heart was breaking all over again. Despite what others may think, he did not get a kick out of hurting Haley, although at first he did, but now, now he wasn't sure. The anger was still there, the hurtful and painful memories of the day she left him were still with him, but he can see how much she was hurting right now and that allowed him to falter, even for a moment.
"I think when I reach down deep enough.. I do.. I do forgive you Haley.. for everything… it's just.."
"Just.. you can't forget.. I know." She nodded her head and took a deep breath. She knew the next part would be the hardest to say but she didn't have it in her to tell him, at least not to his face. So instead she copped out and took the easy way out. She did get what she wanted from all this, his forgiveness. She knew she lost her right for his love a long time ago but at least now maybe she can put back the pieces in her life and finally move on.
"Thank you, Nathan.. I know that wasn't easy for you."
"You're welcome." Nathan was unsure of what to say or do next. He stood to the ground fixed as she moved closer to him. The moon caught her face and she looked so serene, angelic. He was transfixed by her beauty that he couldn't move.
She tiptoed up to his face and gently kissed his cheek.
"Bye." She said so softly that Nathan almost thought that he imagined it. He closed his eyes as he smelled her fragrance and felt his cheek tingle with her touch. When he opened his eyes, she was already walking away and for the life of him, he just stood there watching her go, while everything inside him was telling him to run after her.
. . . .
"Are you okay?" Lucas went up to Haley. He noticed her walking back from the lake and knew that Nathan was there.
She shook her head. "No.. but I will be."
"I'm sorry." He said genuinely. "How.. how did he take it?"
"I didn't tell him."
"Haley.."
"I couldn't Luke.. it would just make everything … real."
"I'm sorry Hales, but it's already real." Lucas reluctantly told her.
"I know." She nodded her head. "I still couldn't go through with it." She choked and Lucas pulled her in for a hug. She sniffled a little bit and pulled back, trying to regain her emotions. She couldn't do this now, not with everyone here.
"I think I'm going to take off now." She said, straightening herself out.
"Already? Hales, stay.. please."
"I can't .. I just can't.. you know I'm not good at goodbyes."
"Neither am I." He replied. She gave him a hug and leaned into his ear.
"Thank you for everything."
"Anytime." Lucas smiled.
. . . . .
Nathan didn't know how long he stood out there by the lake but by the time he got back, he noticed Haley was gone. There were so many things running through his mind. He loved her, she loved him, why could it be as simple as that but with them it was never simple.
He was mad at her, mad at himself. He wondered how it got complicated, wondered if he never asked her to marry him, would still be together now. He thought he had at all with Haley, but Haley had other plans, other dreams that still needed fulfilling and unfortunately for him, it didn't include him. He built up a stone wall around his heart and time has started to show it's cracks. It was ironic, they spent more time apart than they were actually together.
The party was winding down and it was late, or early depending on your point of view. Somehow Nathan made it back to the lake and looked out as the sun's rays were making it's presence known. He remembered back when he was a kid he used to have a paper route and every right around dawn, he would just stop and breath it all in. He could almost feel the magic in the world. He closed his eyes, trying to regain the same stillness and wonderment but all he saw was Haley. He opened his eyes saw the suns rays cast itself over the water and images of him and Haley raced through his mind, of her tutoring him at the docks, or her cheering him on at basketball or their walks in the park, of her telling him to change the channel and now watch basketball. He knew now that stillness he longed for could only be found with her and he wondered for a moment if he could just open his heart and take things slow, he may be able to get the peaceful stillness back.
Walking over to his car, he had an extra step in his walk. High school was over now and it was time to face the real world and face the problems he had with his wife. Luckily, college was months away and maybe then they could work out their problems. He got in his car and drove back home. He suddenly felt ten times better.
He turned the corner to his house and noticed an RV pull away and drive off. There weren't too many RV's that passed by Tree Hill and the only ones he knew who owned one were his in-laws. A funny feeling came over him and he couldn't shake it off. He parked in the driveway and walked to the back door that led into the kitchen. When he reached the door though, a plain manila envelope was perked up against the door.
"Nathan" It simply read and he could already tell it was from Haley from the handwriting. A feeling of dread suddenly came over him and he pulled the top paper out and noticed it was a letter.
Dear Nathan,
There are so many things I want to say to you but I know it wouldn't change anything. I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you this in person but it would've been too much for me and at this point, I'm already hanging on by a thread. Leaving you for the tour was the hardest thing I ever had to do.. until now. This is goodbye Nathan, you and I both know it's time. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you in person but I couldn't bear to tell you in person. I tried tonight but the words wouldn't come out. By the time you read this, I'll most likely be on the road, where I'll spend most of my summer with my parents visiting family before I start school in the fall. A part of me wonders if you'll be happy or sad when you see this. I'm hoping for the latter but I want you to know that I'm not angry or bitter about everything. I know I hurt you in the worst possible way. I held onto this fantasy that we would get back together but as time went on, I realized how far the fantasy was from reality. I know you could never love me like you used to but I couldn't leave knowing you were still mad at me. Thank you for your forgiveness, it was what gave me the strength to finally take the last step and move on with my life.
I want you to know that marrying you was the best thing that ever happened to me and no tour or record deal could ever amount to the love I felt and still feel for you. Enclosed is my last gift to you, I've been holding off on signing it for a year now but I know now it's time. Be happy Nathan, you deserve it.
All my love,
Haley
Nathan blinked his eyes a few times wondering if what he was reading was for real. His hands trembled as he reached into the manila envelope and pulled out the next piece of papers, Annulment Papers.
Not wasting a single second, he jumped back into his car and drove to his old apartment, one where Brooke and Haley had been living in this past school year. As quickly as he could, he ran up the stairs and made a bee line for the door. He pounded on it several times but there was no answer. He twisted the knob hard a few times and then shoved his body against the door. The door quickly opened and he nearly fell down. He was glad that the deadbolt lock wasn't locked or else he would've tore the door down.
He marched to the back and noticed Brooke's bed and an empty cot nearby with the linens neatly folded on top of it. He opened the closet and noticed half of it was empty. He marched into the bathroom and noticed the same thing in the medicine cabinet.
NO NO!! He told himself as he rushed out and went to the only person he'd know who would have answers.
. . . .
He didn't know how many traffic laws he broke but he didn't care. He knocked at the red door and a few moments later, a very groggy and annoyed looking Lucas opened the door, clad in PJ bottoms and a gray t-shirt.
"Who is it?" Nathan heard Brooke growl from the bed.
"What do you want?" Lucas rubbed his eyes.
"Where is she?" Nathan demanded.
"Who?"
"Don't play with me.. Haley.. where is she?!?"
"Now, you're looking for her?" Lucas scoffed.
Nathan immediately pinned Lucas against the wall. "I'm not playing with you.. I went to the apartment.. all her stuff is gone .. where is she?"
At this point, Brooke got up and shoved Nathan away from Lucas.
"She's gone, Nate." Brooke responded. "Wait, you went inside my apartment?"
Nathan looked down, "I sort of forced myself in."
"That's just freaking great, Nathan!" Brooke rushed to the dresser and grabbed her bag. "Luke, tell him what he wants to know.. I got to make sure my place didn't get robbed." She glared at Nathan before taking off.
After a moment of awkward silence, Nathan finally spoke.
"She.. she left me this." Nathan held up the envelope. Lucas took it and leafed through the contents.
"I know." He said shoving it back to him. "I was the one who told her to sign it."
"You? You did?" Nathan couldn't believe it. Lucas had given him nothing but hell this past year about Haley, to give her another chance and now he gave her the pen to sign their annulment papers. "Why the hell would you do that?" Nathan's voice rose.
Lucas laughed. "Are you kidding me right now?"
"I thought you wanted me and Haley back together?"
"I did.. until I realized that you were still the jackass I always knew you were .. she tried so much with you .. but every day this past year was the same old story." Lucas shook his head as he continued. "You broke her Nathan, there were nights where I would just hold her and she would cry over your sorry ass while you did nothing but ignore her and blow her off. Enough was enough and the only way for Haley to get better was to finally put you behind her and so after a while she finally listened to me and signed the damn papers."
Nathan stayed quiet as images of Haley breaking down wracked his mind, the guilt was nearly suffocating him.
"Believe it or not.. I did it for you too." Lucas added.
"For me?" Nathan choked out.
"You've been a bigger ass than before especially to me .. but despite that I knew how much this was hurting you too .. all I ever wanted was for her to be happy.. and you too.. and the only way I knew that could happen is if things finally ended between you two so hopefully both of you could move on."
"Luke .. I .." Nathan tried to speak.
"No! Don't you dare!" Lucas pointed at him. "Don't you dare have second thoughts about this now after she spent months trying to get your sorry ass back.. she's finally moving on Nathan with out you!"
"I need to find her.."
"Look, if you're looking for Haley, I'm no help to you.. I stood by last year while you two dated .. despite my better judgment I let Haley do what she wanted and I let it go .. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. She's gone and she's never coming back.. it's what you wanted right? So just let it go.. she finally did!" Lucas said slamming the door in front of Nathan's face. Lucas knew he was being harsh but he didn't care. The amount of pain he caused Haley outweighed any sympathy he felt for him.
Nathan took a step back suddenly the weight of everything dropped on him like a ton of bricks. There were times he wished he never met her, cursed her name but he never thought it would come to this. He thought he closed his heart to her but the thought of her completely out of his life was too much to take. He sat on the steps and clutched his chest. The tears were stinging his eyes and he felt like he couldn't breath.
Oh God, what have I done?
To Be Continued