A/N: Hey all! I'm terribly sorry that I've been lame with updating my stuff, namely Retards of the Caribbean. I know a lot of you have been patiently waiting for an update, and I promise you that once I come up with that next part of the plot, I WILL update (suggestions are welcome). Trust me, I definitely don't want to abandon ROTC. In the meantime, enjoy this next story in my Retard series (I'm surprised this is longer than a chapter)! This is a relatively short and rushed chapter, but hopefully the future chapters won't be so much. Or maybe they will, who knows?
Disclaimer: Taken belongs to Luc Besson, Pierre Morel, and EuropaCorp. This crack plot, and a few of the characters (namely the ones that don't appear in the movie) belong to me 3
Chapter One: She is Taken
Gina watched as the taxi with the hot French guy (was his name Peter or something like that?) drove off, waving with a cheerful smile on her face. Once the car was out of sight, the very first thing she did was turn and smack her friend upside the back of her head, just like Special Agent Gibbs, because he is win.
"You dumb bitch!" She snapped, "Are you out of your mind! What if he comes back tonight and murders us in our sleep or something!?"
"What?! He's good-looking and he doesn't look like a sketchy creeper; there's no way he'd be that kind of guy!" Kasedy shot back angrily.
"Haven't you watched horror movies before? The best-looking guy IS the killer! God, we're going to go find some other place to stay, because I GUARANTEE you that if we stay there, shit will go down. Hell, why don't you go tell the world press where we're staying, idiot!"
"Okay look, it wasn't that bad! We're just two young women; it's not like we're the President's daughters or anything!"
Gina turned her death glare on her best friend, who quickly shut the fuck up. "You CLEARLY have no street smarts woman. That's why I can prove that I was born in the city, and you can't. Now, we're going to find some relatively cheap hotel to stay in, damnit!"
"But if I don't stay here, my parents will flip out and start a war!"
"Ugh, FINE! Just be lucky that my ex-CIA Agent of a father decided to give me his old .45 caliber and Uzi for my birthday!"
"Yea, about that… why did he give you those guns, anyway? And train you to use them too by the way?"
"He had new guns… and he trained me because he was a bored, paranoid, ex-CIA Agent."
"You were supposed to call me as soon as you got there."
Gina rolled her eyes at her father's chiding voice, relocating to a more quiet part of the apartment. Looking out the window, she could see the living room, where Kasedy was dancing to the booming music. "Yes, Dad, I know. We just got here and we were settling in."
"Let me talk to one of her cousins."
"Yea, about that… My wonderful friend told me after the fact that there are no cousins here. They're in Spain."
"Gawd, Gina. Anything else you want to tell me?"
But Gina didn't reply at first. She was too busy staring in shock as two men, clothed in black, practically tackled Kasedy and dragged her out of the living room. She was kicking and screaming the whole way. Well, at least she's not one of those wimpy bitches that get killed off in the first five minutes of the movie...
"Oh… my God…" Gina whispered, with lack of anything else to actually say.
"What… What is it Gina?"
She suddenly noticed four other guys coming into the living, trashing the place, clearly looking for something... or someone. "...Oh HELL NO!"
"Gina, what's going on!?"
Gina turned and rushed out of the bathroom, running straight to her room, where she had dropped off her "Special Duffel Bag" prior to dancing in the living. "That idiot… I told her this would happen!"
"What do you mean, Gina? Damnit tell me what's going on!"
"A couple of guys came in. They took Kasedy. I think they're coming back for me. I'm going to my room to get the goods. Look, I gotta let you go. How fast can you get to Paris? Actually, just come when you can. I think I already have a plan."
"Gina… wait…!"
Gina hung up before he could continue to protest. Just a few seconds later, she was pulling out her .45 caliber and the ammo. Yea. She wasn't lying when she said her father had given them to her for a birthday present. Once she was locked and loaded, she settled herself against the wall opposite from the door. That's when they, the thugs, threw the door open.
"Alright fucks, DON'T COME ANY FUCKING CLOSER! This gun is fully loaded, and I'M NOT AFRAID TO SHOOT YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT! DON'T THINK I'M PLAYING!"
One of the thugs dared to take a step closer. Sadly for him, he, and his brains, quickly learned that she meant it.
"I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!"
"Holy shit, she's crazy!"
"You bet I am. Now, let my friend go and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM! You have until the count of five…" Another guy showed up, "… six before I make you all sorry."
She paused for good measure then pointed her gun at the closest guy.
"ONE!" She shot him in the face. His nose went flying off like it was some piece of plastic surgery gone horrible wrong. The blood just poured from the fresh hole like a waterfall. She then turned towards another random guy. "TWO!" This time, she got him in the chest. He stumbled backwards before falling to an ungraceful heap on the floor. Blood was already pooling around his body. She whirled to point at another thug, who was now staring in horror.
"THREE!" This bullet embedded itself into his jugular vein. Blood sprayed everywhere, including all over Gina.
"OH FUCK NO! YOU DID NOT JUST BLEED ALL OVER MY CLOTHES! I'LL CALL MY LITTLE SISTER, AND I SWEAR TO GOD YOU DO NOT WANT ME TO CALL MY SISTER!"
"Oh fuck your little sister!" the guy with the hole in his chest shouted in a strangled voice, "How much worse can she be, compared to your psycho ass!"
Just for that, Gina pumped several rounds into his skull, shutting him up permanently. Promptly reloading, she screamed "KIMMIE!"
Abruptly, the door closed, startling the intruders, and then was swiftly kicked down, crushing the body of the guy who provoked Gina into calling for Kimmie in the first place. There, standing in the wrecked doorway, was none other than Kimmie.
"THERE IS A SITUATION AND I AM ENTERING IT!" she roared, turning to face Gina "WHAT'S THE DIAGNOSIS!?"
"THESE FUCKS HERE TOOK KASEDY AND THEY WON'T LET HER GO! Also they won't kindly get the fuck out of my room. See? I already killed three of them. I even used the 'count the number of people I'm about to kill' trick."
"Sonova! So, any ideas?"
"Well, yea. We're going to force them to give Kasedy back."
Kimmie had a grin to rival that of Satan's. "Sounds like a plan. And I have just the idea too."
The screams resonating through the apartment were bloodcurdling. When you followed the sounds, you'd come to a bedroom filled with dead bodies. All, of course, except three; two sisters and a captive gang member. Ironically, of course, they had completely obliterated any and all opposition.
"So, are you going to tell us where Kasedy was taken to?" Kimmie asked sweetly, "I've got plenty more IvanLiet* yaoi pornos to show you if you aren't ready to answer."
The man started screaming again.
"I know, I know. Boy on boy sex turns me on too."
"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'll tell you! I'll tell you everything. Please, please don't show me any more porn, please!" the prisoner begged. They had taped his eyelids back to prevent him from closing his eyes and blocking out the mental trauma. Kimmie and Gina grinned at each other, giving each other a high five before they turned back to the captive, whom happens to be Peter, because I said so.
"So, tell us everything you know about the whereabouts of Kasedy."
"Okay! She'd probably been taken to our warehouse where she'll get drugged up and sold as a whore! The warehouse is in the city landfill!"
"Good boy!" Gina cheered, patting him lightly on the head, "Now, we are going to go see if that's really where she is..."
"YOU TWO ARE FUCKING INSANE! YOU WON'T EVEN LAST TWO SECONDS! YOU THINK YOU STAND A CHANCE!? WHAT A JOKE!"
"SHUT UP! YOU'RE ABOUT THREE SECONDS AWAY FROM GETTING MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS!" Kimmie shrieked, effectively shutting him up.
Gina blinked impassively before continuing as if she wasn't interrupted in the first place, "Of course, if it turns out that you're wrong…"
The death glare she turned on him caused him to pass out. Humming in approval, she glanced at her little sister.
"I think he'll be out for a while, don't you? So he'll still be tied and unarmed here for us to interrogate once we get back," Gina remarked, "Anyway, you have your rocket launcher?"
Kimmie grinned evilly, pulling the huge weapon out of her back pocket. "Muffins are freshly baked with explosive fluids."
"Good. Let's get out of here and find Kas."
*IvanLiet is a yaoi fan-pairing in Hetalia: Axis Powers. Ivan is Russia's human name; Liet is Lithuania's. Unless you've watched the series, you probably wouldn't get it. But basically, yaoi is boy sex. That should be ample enough info to make you get it and laugh... or be scarred... Hope you liked it!