Natalya doesn't remember much from the wreck.
She's in the passenger seat with her earbuds in, only half listening to whatever song comes on her phone's shuffle. Yekaterina is driving and Ivan is sitting in the back, directly behind the eldest sibling. In her defense, Natalya still isn't sure how she managed to convince her brother to let her ride in the front seat instead of him. Her siblings are talking about something, though Natalya isn't sure what. She's not particularly watching their surroundings go by, lost in thought, though she's thinking about nothing.
They stop at a red light and Kat leans forward to turn the radio up, pressing the gas as the light turns green. Natalya hears Ivan's shout, even through her earbuds; she turns her head towards her siblings.
Headlights blind her, and everything goes black.
(~~)
Natalya wakes to the sound of sirens. She's only vaguely aware of all the sounds around her; her head is pounding and her left leg feels like it's on fire. Suddenly, she's aware that she's upside down, held up only by her seatbelt. Her ears are ringing and the vision in her right eye is still dark; the sensory input of the lights and shouting is overwhelming.
"Yekaterina," she croaks, "Ivan."
"She's awake!"
Natalya doesn't recognize the voice. It hurts to turn her head. She sees Ivan first, curled in and limp. She only sees the awkward angle his leg is at before the flashing lights make her avert her gaze to Yekaterina. Her sister is still, blood dripping from her face and knuckles scraping the roof of the car, but her eyes are open.
"Kat," she tries again, louder, struggling with her seatbelt.
Her sister doesn't answer.
(~~)
The paramedics tow Natalya, kicking and screaming, out of the car.
"Died on impact," they're saying.
Natalya wishes she hadn't overheard. She loses consciousness again when they're loading her and Ivan into ambulances.
(~~)
When she comes to again, she feels numb, save for the pounding in her head. Her left leg is bound in a cast and she still can't see out of her right eye. It's disorienting and makes her feel dizzy, but it's nothing in comparison to the emptiness in her chest. She clutches at the fabric of the hospital gown she's in, making sure there's not really a hole in her chest.
Yekaterina.
Everything hits her again, all at once; the wreck, the aftermath, the paramedics' words. Her sister is dead. Natalya's heart wrenches.
It should have been me.
(~~)
Natalya finds out, three days later, that she's the least injured. A concussion, a broken leg, loss of sight in one eye. Yekaterina died on impact, and Ivan is still in a critical state - broken leg, shattered forearm, fractured ribs, concussion. The nurses tell her that he hasn't woken up yet - a coma, they're thinking, but the doctors haven't confirmed anything yet. A car in the intersection had run the red light and collided with them on Yekaterina and Ivan's side.
For the first time in a while, Natalya cries.
(~~)
They let her visit Ivan two days later. She refuses the nurse's help and stubbornly wheels herself there. She wants crutches, but the nurses keep insisting on the wheelchair - at least for now. When she gets there, she only struggles a bit to get the door open and goes in.
Ivan is still and pale, wrapped up in casts and IV cords. There's an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, but she's relieved by the steady rise and fall of his chest. His expression is blank; Natalya reaches forward to touch his face.
"Where have you gone, big brother?"
I need you.
She holds his hand until the nurses come and usher her out.
(~~)
Natalya meets Im Yong Soo in the downstairs cafeteria.
He's rolling an IV pole beside him, though he doesn't seem to care much for it, and there's two nurses on his heels, talking quickly and trying to gesture him one way. He's adamant for the vending machines, it seems, and the women exchange a worried look.
Natalya's gaze darts away. She's still thinking about Ivan and Yekaterina - there hasn't been any change in Ivan's state, but Natalya has been neglecting herself and she knows her brother wouldn't be happy if he woke and she'd starved herself sick again. Hospital food is terrible, but she supposes it's better than nothing.
She doesn't exactly meet Yong Soo. It's more of a collision. He comes up on her right side; she's still not used to the lack of sight on that side - her hair is draped over her eye lately - and his abrupt, loud voice startles her. She flinches and twists abruptly. The response is a yelp; the boy - who couldn't be any more than a year older than her - nearly trips over his own IV when he stumbles back, blinking rapidly.
"Holy shi-"
"Language, Yong Soo!" One of the nurses crosses over immediately.
"But her hair!" He whines, as the two escort him away. "It's so long, I just full on got bit-"
"Yong Soo."
"-slapped by it!"
Natalya stays still, balancing carefully on her crutch as their voices fade down the hall.
(~~)
A week later, the doctors tell her she'll be discharged within the month. She's recovering quickly from her injuries; they can't do much else. Ivan will stay - there hasn't been any change in his comatose condition.
She'll be alone.
And god, she's terrified.
(~~)
"Hey!"
Natalya doesn't stop, but somehow, he manages to catch up anyway. Yong Soo falls into step beside her, grinning.
"You're that girl that bitch-slapped me with your hair, right? Where are you going?"
"My brother's room," Natalya replies simply, hoping the answer will make him go away.
It doesn't. He keeps following her.
"Oh," he says, grinning sheepishly, "well, uh, sorry about startling you before."
Natalya whirls awkwardly on her crutch. It irritates her that she can't maintain the usual effect she has, not while she's like this. She fixes her good eye on him, narrowed, and raises her free hand to jab one finger at him. He goes cross eyed to look at it, leaning back a tiny bit. Briefly, she notes that he looks healthy - why is he here?
"Listen," she growls, "you didn't scare me. Step off."
He doesn't follow her after that.
(~~)
That evening, she sits with Ivan and talks to him about everything. She tells him about the wreck, about Yekaterina's death, about her injuries, about Yong Soo and the nurses and all of the other patients she sees about the hospital. She tells him she'll be discharged soon, and then she can only see him during visiting hours. She tells him that she doesn't want to be alone.
Ivan doesn't answer.
The next day, she sees Yong Soo again and apologizes to him quietly in passing.
(~~)
"I'm Yong Soo."
Natalya stares at his hand for a long time, and then lifts her gaze back up to his face. He's wearing a striped beanie over his dark hair; it looks ridiculous with his hospital clothes. He's gazing back with wide, curious eyes and a slightly tipped head. She doesn't take his hand, but nods.
"I know."
Confusion flickers in his gaze. "You-? Oh, oh. The nurses. Right. I almost forgot about that."
Something rises in the hollowness that's settled into her chest recently - amusement. "I'm Natalya," she tells him, and carries on.
(~~)
"Yong Soo," she asks him, the day before she's being discharged, when she finds him downstairs again, "what are you in here for?"
He's wearing a different beanie - a black one with Tokyo Ghoul printed across the band in white lettering and a white puff at the top. Almost absently, he adjusts it on his head and smiles a smile that doesn't quite touch his eyes.
"Oh, you know, reasons."
She doesn't push the subject anymore.
(~~)
The next day, Yong Soo sees her off.
"You'll come back, right?" He asks, softly.
Natalya pretends not to notice how morose he looks.
(~~)
Natalya visits daily to see Ivan. He's getting thin; it's odd to her, seeing him so small and vulnerable, lacking his coat and scarf. They're hanging up by the door - the hospital staff already got the blood stains out. She wants to take them home, but she knows Ivan will want them when he wakes, so she decides it's best to just leave it. As always, she tells him about everything he's missing. She tells him about her discharge, about Yong Soo, about how hard it is to go home to an empty house. She tells him how she misses him and how she misses Yekaterina.
She tells him that she can't cry anymore, but Ivan still doesn't answer. His fingers are cold. Natalya watches the slow rise and fall of his chest for half an hour, before she finally leaves the room.
(~~)
Natalya doesn't see Yong Soo for the next few days. A part of her wonders where he's gone; she doesn't know which room he's in.
(~~)
"I looked for you," Natalya says, when she finds Yong Soo by the first floor windows.
His eyes are closed, face turned up to the sunlight. She realizes, abruptly, how pale he is. His red beanie is bright against his skin and the bits of dark hair that poke out from beneath it.
"Sorry," he tells her, "but I'm glad you came back."
Natalya is suddenly aware that his eyes aren't black, but a soft, dark brown. It's fitting.
(~~)
Yong Soo doesn't tell her where his room is and Natalya doesn't ask. She finds him sometimes, in the hall or by the windows or in the cafeteria. Lately, he looks tired, withered, but without fail, he always smiles that broad smile of his when he sees her. It makes her heart stir in her chest and she isn't sure how much she appreciates that.
Natalya is getting used to being half blind now, but Yong Soo is still careful not to come up on her blind side. She appreciates it more than she'll say. He wears different beanies every day and talks about his huge family a lot, but Natalya hasn't ever seen any of them. She can tell by his words that he cares for them, though. It makes her think of her own family - she'd been close to her siblings.
She's still mourning Yekaterina - she doesn't think she'll ever quite stop - but Yong Soo gives her a sort of light, like her own personal sun. She won't admit how grateful she is for his presence, but sometimes, he almost seems to understand.
He's laughing at something, a joke, perhaps, when it happens. His laugh stutters, falters, twists. Suddenly, he's half hacking, shoulders trembling, hyperventilating. Yong Soo doubles over and slides to one knee, clutching at his chest, at his throat, at his stomach, lips parted and eyes wide. Natalya freezes, and it isn't until his pale blue beanie slips off that she finally shrieks for a nurse.
She can't catch his eye before he's swept away in an overwhelming gaggle of people and voices.
(~~)
She doesn't see Yong Soo again for a week. Natalya spends the time visiting Ivan and searching the halls so she can return the beanie he'd lost. After a while, she just slides it on.
It's comforting.
(~~)
"Im Yong Soo," Natalya tells the woman at the front counter.
The woman looks startled, but looks down at her computer. "Im Yong Soo? He's in the cancer ward... Room 16B."
(~~)
"I wish you didn't have to see me like this," Yong Soo smiles painfully.
Natalya braces her palm against the door frame. He's hooked up to more wires than she cares to count and an oxygen mask, but he's okay, and she's beyond relieved. She crosses towards him, eyebrows pinched.
"Idiot," she says, sinking down in the seat near the bed, "I don't care what you look like."
(~~)
He's bedridden until further notice. Natalya sees the way it makes him restless. He spends a long time staring out of the window, twisting his hands, fiddling with his blanket and the multiple woven bracelets around his wrists. She sees it in the way he shifts and twists, talks either too much or too little, sees it in the way his shoulders seem to curl in towards his chest. He's too free for this body he's stuck in.
"Yong Soo," she starts, "why didn't you tell me before?"
He smiles then, bitterly. "Who knows?"
(~~)
The next time she sees him, Yong Soo is wearing an orange beanie, pulled low over his forehead. He keeps biting his lip and adjusting it, uncomfortably, and fidgeting. Natalya finally questions him about it when she's leaving.
"I started chemotherapy," he tells her. "I had to shave my hair."
She wishes he wouldn't look so dejected.
The next day she comes with her hair cut to her chin and his blue beanie on, and she almost smiles when Yong Soo lights up like a beacon.
(~~)
For a while, things are as okay as they're going to get. She spends her time visiting Ivan and Yong Soo. Sometimes, she's not allowed to see Yong Soo - it leaves her feeling like something's missing.
She knows she shouldn't let herself get this close to him. But she also knows it's far too late.
The next time she sees him, he's gazing blankly at the wall. His beanie, a black one today, is resting on the side table. It's the first time she's seen him without it lately - sure enough, all his hair is shaved off, leaving mildly patchy black spots across his scalp. It isn't until Natalya clears her throat that he straightens abruptly, twisting, staring at her through wide eyes.
"Nat!" He yelps, reaching for his beanie. "I didn't know you were coming- I- Ah, shi-"
Natalya slowly sits down on the bed beside him, touching his wrist. "It's okay, Yong Soo,"
Yong Soo stares at her through wide, sunken eyes. He looks exhausted. Finally, his shoulders drop and he releases the beanie, sliding his hand silently into hers. Natalya does not pull away; instead, she laces her fingers between his.
"Sometimes," he admits, voice soft, "I think I still remember what it was like. Before... Well, y'know."
She understands the silent words hanging in the room.
It's too quiet in here, too dark. The curtains are drawn.
Yong Soo is trembling. She sees him crying before she hears it, watches silent tears roll down his cheeks. How long has he been hurting?
She doesn't speak, just holds him close and allows him to bury his face into her shoulder. Natalya's fingers rest at the back of his neck and she turns to rest her forehead against the top of his head, eyes closed.
They stay like that for a long time.
(~~)
Natalya brings him sunflowers the next time she visits. She sets them by the window and turns. He's just gaping at her, eyes wide and lips parted. He smiles, then, something that finally reaches his eyes.
Natalya, sitting in the chair by his bed again, abruptly realizes how much she'd missed that smile.
"I think I'm in love with you," Yong Soo tells her, laughing.
Natalya reaches out and traces her fingers over the veins on his thin hand. "Don't say things like that," she whispers.
Yong Soo watches her for the rest of her visit, but she doesn't meet his gaze.
(~~)
The next day, Natalya doesn't really pause to think it through when she leans down and kisses him. This time, she smiles until she's out the door at the sight of his gaping expression.
(~~)
Natalya doesn't like how thin his hands have become.
Yong Soo is asleep when she comes in, but Natalya sits quietly and takes his hand, scared that it will break between her fingers. He stirs, then, very slowly curling his fingers between hers. He can't squeeze her hand.
His breathing is slow, shuddering, and she can barely hear him over the sound of the oxygen mask.
"There's more to life than moving, Nat," he tells her, "so it's okay to not always be chasing some horizon."
Her shoulders tremble. Yong Soo falls silent then, and his grip on her hand loosens gradually. He fixes his gaze on some point in the distance, closes his eyes.
She's not even aware of the flatline of the heart monitor until a nurse comes in and gently ushers her out. Natalya had thought she'd run out of tears.
(Time stops short, and they all crash into it in one graceless dive.)
(~~)
She's by his bedside when Ivan finally wakes up.
"Big brother," she whispers, and her voice cracks pitifully.
"Natalya. You cut your hair," he says, voice quiet from disuse, staring at her through wide eyes.
"I missed you so much," Natalya tells him.
When she cries again, sobs turning to hiccups and visible shaking, Ivan only pulls her close and hums a lullaby.