Silent Night
It's the night before Christmas…
The library is silent and empty, because who would want to spend Christmas Eve studying? Christmas Eve is buffet supper in the house common rooms with the few students who stay for the holidays; it's laughter and jokes and wondering what presents your friends have got for you, and what they'll think of the ones you got for them. In the library, the holly garlands are starting to droop slightly and the fires aren't lit. What would be the point? There's nobody here to mind the cold... just a solitary figure huddled at a corner table in the reading room.
Never before has Remus Lupin spent Christmas Eve in the library, but this year things are different.
He won't admit that to himself, of course. Really he's here because NEWTs are difficult and there's coursework he needs to finish off. That way he can relax tomorrow, because it'll be done. And it's good that the library is empty, isn't it? Because that way he'll concentrate. He'll finish his transfiguration essay and all will be well.
And tomorrow night it's full moon again and he can go back to pretending things are normal.
Even though they're not.
But he's not going to think about that now. Instead he glances up at the window. The frost grips tightly to the uneven glass, its silver tendrils spreading rapidly. He shivers without noticing and pulls his threadbare cloak more tightly around his shoulders. Maybe this wasn't such a clever idea.
Concentrate, Remus…He grips his quill tightly and forces his eyes back down to the parchment he's supposed to be writing his essay on. He's only managed a few pitiful lines so far and that certainly won't be enough to satisfy the scrutinising eyes of Professor McGonagall. His marks aren't brilliant at the best of times. He misses too many lessons, so yet again he's reliant on his friends to help him out.
Sudden footsteps echo from the main hall and his head shoots up abruptly. Have they come looking for him? He gave them a vague excuse earlier but even if Sirius wasn't convinced, James certainly wasn't.
A silhouette appears in the doorway, frowning curiously and perhaps wondering why the lamps are lit. She hasn't noticed Remus, who shrinks back behind his pile of texts, unsure whether or not to speak. He recognises her straight away: recognises the gleam of the dim light on her long red hair. It's Evans.
Lily…He hardly knows her, of course, apart from listening to James talk about her all the time and try to act like he doesn't care when it's blindingly obvious that he does. The harder he tries, the more Lily Evans sees through his act, and the more Remus admires the girl. James should just be himself. Remus has tried to tell him this but he just won't listen. Lily's not like the others. She's too clever to be fooled by flattery and too outspoken to stand by and watch him misbehave. At least, that's how it seems. But Remus hardly knows her.
She turns then, turns and spots the corner where he's hidden himself away. She frowns, clearly a little confused, but isn't deterred.
"Remus? What are you doing here?"
She peers over at the top of his parchment before he can answer.
"Oh. McGonagall's essay on human transfiguration."
Remus nods rather stupidly.
"I've finished mine," Lily continues. "I'll help you, if you want. But I always thought you and your friends were good at transfiguration."
She pulls out a chair. Remus feels strangely pleased when she sits down next to him. He's not quite sure why.
"My friends are," he finds himself saying. "I'm better at charms, myself."
Lily smiles.
"Charms is my favourite," she tells him. "But for this essay you really should read Eggleton's book."
"Isn't that the really detailed one?" he asks warily. Sirius hates thick books. He won't read anything that's thicker than the diameter of his wand but he still manages to get good marks. Remus isn't so lucky, but then he doubts he'd even understand any of the really advanced titles.
"Well, yes. But McGonagall gives you extra marks if you use more advanced sources, even if you just quote something from them. And there was an article in Transfiguration Weekly last month on bilateral limb transfiguration."
She hurries off to find the relevant folios, leaving Remus feeling slightly stunned. What's she doing here, anyway? When he'd left the common room she'd been engrossed in a game of exploding Snap with some of the younger girls. Sirius, James and Peter had been quiet for once, busy trying to make a map of the castle. James had had the original idea and Sirius was providing most of the spells. It was proving harder than they'd anticipated. Before the map could detect where people were, it had to know who people were. Remus had excused himself on the pretext of checking in some of the library books for useful charms. Halfway downstairs he'd remembered the essay.
Lily returns with a stack of books. The less popular texts send up a cloud of dust when she deposits them on the edge of his table.
"Why aren't you with your friends?" she asks curiously. "I thought you always worked together."
Remus shrugs awkwardly.
"They're better at transfiguration than me."
For a moment he wishes he could tell her why they're better, but it's not his secret to share. Well, most of it is. But they'd be in the most trouble if the truth came out. Dumbledore knows about Remus but illegal animagi would be an entirely different story.
He glances over at Lily. She's wiping the dust from her face with a handkerchief and he can't help but smile. Her green eyes meet his and before he can apologise, she's smiling too.
"Sorry," he mutters.
In reply, one of her hands slips over his and squeezes it gently, then releases him quickly when she sees his grimace.
"That's a nasty bruise," she says when she sees it. She gives him a searching look and he finds it very difficult to shrug nonchalantly and say nothing. Keeping his secret has never been this hard before. Usually he's reluctant to confess it, knowing that most people will judge him entirely according to their own prejudices and not at all on who he is. Lily, he knows, will be different. She sees James for what he really is. What would she see when she looked at Remus if she knew the truth? Somehow, Remus knows she wouldn't walk away, but that thought opens a whole other can of worms and he pushes it away as quickly as he can.
This time it's Lily who shivers.
"Let's go back upstairs," she suggests. "It's freezing in here. You know prefects are allowed to stamp their own books out. And Professor McGonagall wants us in the common room to supervise things."
Back upstairs…And that of course is the problem. Remus doesn't want to be upstairs, because Sirius is upstairs. Four weeks ago Sirius played a nasty trick. Sirius went too far, and if it hadn't been for James, the blood would have been on Remus' hands. Lately Remus has been having nightmares, nightmares of committing a terrible crime without even being aware of it. And the guilt: the guilt that they were having fun, that they'd made something so serious seem so trivial. Sirius doesn't understand, of course. And Remus can't argue because where would he be without Sirius, James and Peter? Alone again, that's where. James has urged him to talk to Sirius, to sort things out. But somehow it's not that simple.
"Come on," Lily says gently.
"No," Remus finds himself saying. "No, I think I'll stay here. I'll only get distracted if I try and work in the common room."
"But it doesn't have to be handed in for another week!" Lily protests.
"You go," Remus says. "I'm sure James will help you if the first and second years get out of hand."
"James?" she repeats incredulously. "James acts like a first year himself."
"He's not that bad."
Lily raises an eyebrow.
"Honestly," Remus protests. "I know he… well, he tries too hard, that's all. He likes you, and I'm sure if you got to know to him…"
He sees the expression on Lily's face and trails off. At least he's tried. It's not his job to make Lily like James, after all. And it's not his fault that James won't take his advice.
"James isn't the only person who likes you, Remus," Lily says. "You'd have other friends, if you'd just look for them."
Other friends. How could she possibly know? As if anyone else would want to be friends with him. He's lucky to have the friends he's got, friends that don't judge him just because of that one terrible thing that he can't change. Friends that will be there with him tomorrow night.
Lily Evans… what does she know about anything?
"I'm staying here," Remus says stiffly.
She gazes thoughtfully at him.
"Fine. Then I'll say goodnight now, shall I?"
The first thing Remus feels is her fingertips tracing the line of his jaws. By the time his brain registers that she's kissed him, she's already pulling away. It was only a gentle, chaste kiss but its implications are so huge he can hardly comprehend them.
Lily Evans? Kissing him?
But…"Happy Christmas, Remus. I'll see you after the full moon."
And with that she's gone.