But oh my heart, was flawed I knew my weakness
So hold my hand consign me not to darkness

.

Olivia's heart thudded loud in her chest as she slowly recounted the weeks in her head, four times she had counted and was half way through her fifth when she gave up and let the sheer rush of panic melt through her veins. She had been experiencing symptoms for a few days but it wasn't until this morning when she actually thought about long it had been since she had had her period, she panicked. Sure all of this could be put down to the stresses she had been under in the recent months. The trial, becoming sergeant, Cragen leaving her in charge, the fact that Brian was barely home and neither was she.

She thought to herself over and over that there was no way she could be pregnant, not a chance…

Except there was. There was a very possible chance of her being pregnant, she and Brian had gotten back into their sexual ways and they hadn't exactly been careful when it came to safe sex, they barely used protection nowadays. She stood completely still in the middle of their bedroom, her hands shaking with nerves as she thought of the last few times they had sex, was she protected or not?

She shook her head and moved into the kitchen to make herself some tea. She leant her full body weight against the counter and sighed, her mind racing with thoughts of how she would tell Brian, would he be excited at the possibility of becoming a father? Would he rather she not be pregnant at all? Was there really a point of even telling him if she wasn't even sure herself?

She heard the ticking clock on the wall beside her, the continuous tick, tock, tick, tock emulating the ticking of her own biological clock. The solid memories of 'when you have kids, you'll understand' and 'how would you know you're not a mother' filtering through her ears. Her mind flashed to Lewis, his taunting her, his questions about her family and her relationship status, she closed her eyes as faded back to unhappy times until she was broken free by the loud whistle of the kettle.

Olivia carefully poured the boiling water into the mug, swirling the teabag around for a few seconds while she drifted off again before glancing at the coffee machine in the corner by the microwave, just looking coffee made her feel sick, the smell made her feel worse.

She glanced around the darkened apartment at five in the morning, the streetlights still shining bright around the city as the black sky of the early hours hadn't even began to lighten. Brian had already left an hour ago, he kissed her goodbye thinking he hadn't woke her, in reality he hadn't, she'd been awake most of the night. Her mind drifting off to happy daydreams of what it would be like if she was carrying their child, if she was to have their baby. How different their life would be if they were to become parents, she thought about if she would quit work, or at least take less hours, if they would move, maybe a quiet suburb of the city, somewhere with good schools and space for their kid to play.

She imagined a little boy, exactly like his father, dark hair and her eyes, his father's sports mad personality, she imagined Brian teaching their son how to ride a bike and hit a ball, she thought of t-ball games and muddy clothes, toy trains and cars all over the house, cartoons on a saturday morning as her family sat around the table for breakfast, father and son wearing matching jerseys as they sat on the couch and screamed at the TV as their team played on the big screen.

Or a little girl, her double in looks and her stubborn personality. She smiled as she thought of her and Brian arguing at three in the morning as they paced exhaustedly around the living room trying to soothe their screaming newborn, she saw Brian being so overprotective and caring over her and their little girl. She imagined dresses, little shoes and dance classes, paintings on the fridge, pink bedrooms and princess movies and pure joy as their little girl ran into her daddy's protective arms as he walked in the door from a long day at work.

She only realised she'd spent the whole night awake dreaming of what could be when she heard Brian's alarm from the other side of the bed, he quickly shut it off before leaning over and kissing her good morning.

Olivia ran her hand through her hair before making her way into the bedroom to get ready for another long-ass day as Sergeant Benson.

.

Olivia quickly shoved the pharmacy bag into the bottom drawer of her desk as Nick came up behind her and placed a mug of steaming coffee down on her desk. She resisted the urge to gag as the smell hit her nose and made her stomach turn.

"Everything okay?"

She quickly glanced at her partner and replied "Yeah, everything's fine"

She watched him walk away and picked up the mug, moving it to the other side of her desk, as far away from her as possible without causing attention.

Thankfully the day wasn't as crazy for her as she thought it would be, she left work at a reasonable time, grabbing a bunch of files and paperwork under her arm as well as her purse and the pharmacy bag and quickly headed out of the squad room.

The whole way home she fought with herself on whether or not she should tell Brian, her boyfriend, the would be father of their potential child. The more she thought about it the more nauseous she felt. The rustling of the plastic bag in her hand sounded louder than ever as she slowly climbed the stairs to their apartment. She silently prayed to herself that he wasn't home already, this was probably the only time she had actually wanted him to stay late at work so she could take the test in peace, by herself and figure out what the hell she was going to say after the result. If it was negative there was no need to tell him, just throw the test in the trash and never think about it again, if it was positive, then that was a whole other story.

She quietly opened the door and groaned to herself as she heard the music filtering from the radio in the kitchen through into the hallway.

He was home.

"Hey babe" Brian grinned as he walked up to his girlfriend and planted a soft kiss on her lips

Olivia sighed against him and smiled, she couldn't even find the strength within herself to get worried about the test right now, it was only a little after six and Brian was home at a decent time, and they had the entire night together. Maybe the test could wait until the morning.

"Hey" She grinned and kissed him quickly once more "You're home"

"I am" He smiled and grabbed the folders from her hands, setting them on the coffee table by the window before helping her remove her coat.

She quickly glanced at the bag in her hands and felt the nerves fluttering in her stomach "I'm gonna go get changed, I'll be back in a minute"

She rushed into the bedroom, dumping her purse and the pharmacy bag on the bed as she ran into the bathroom, she gripped the sides of the sink and stared at herself in the mirror, her eyes wide, a slight shine on her face as she felt the nausea increase, her stomach filled with butterflies when she heard Brian walk into the room.

"Babe, you didn't buy painkillers at the pharmacy did you? My head's killing me…" He went to grab the bag on the bed but Olivia stopped him

"No" She rushed, walking over to the bed and grabbing the bag in both her hands

"Are you okay?" He noticed the scared look on her face, he could feel the tension radiating throughout the room.

"I'm fine, I'll run out and get some…"

"No, it's okay, you don't have to…Liv, whats the matter?" He reached for her, his hand gently grazing her elbow as he stood in front of her

"Its nothing, well, right now its nothing, I mean…that could change, I-I dunno" She mumbled nervously, looking at her feet

"Hey" Brian placed his hand on her hip while the fingers of the other gently tipped her chin up so she faced him "What is it?"

"I don't wanna tell you" She whispered, shuffling her body weight on her feet "I-I just…theres nothing to tell really, so whats the point?"

"Okay, you can talk to me you know?" He smiled and gently pushed a strand of her silky hair behind her ear "I'm always here"

"I know" She smiled as she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him softly

"I'll go finish making dinner" Brian walked from the room. She knew he was upset that she didn't talk to him, he wasn't mad, he'd just rather they were open with each other as did she but at this point she really didn't know what to do.

Olivia quickly changed into a pair of leggings and one of Brian's old band t-shirts and grinned as the light cotton material fell over her frame, bathing her smaller body in his scent. She sat on the edge of the bed and pulled the purple box from the bag. She twisted it around in her hands a few times as she glanced at the slightly ajar bedroom door, she could hear him singing along to some old song on the radio as he rattled around with pots and plates and cutlery.

The kitchen went quiet as he finished what he was doing "Dinner will be twenty minutes" he called through to her.

She stood from the bed and cursed herself for even doing this, what if it was negative and there was no point in telling him?

She walked through to the kitchen just as he was taking a seat at the counter. He smiled wide at her and was about to say something until she placed the box in front of him. She watched his face change a few times, many emotions filtering through his body, confusion being the main one.

"Are you…"

"I don't know" She quietly interrupted, unsure if she even said the words they were so quiet. "I haven't taken the test yet, I just bought it this morning…"

"I-I erm…do you feel, I dunno, that's a stupid question" He muttered to himself as he picked up the box with shaky hands.

"I don't know what I feel" She explained, her voice a little louder than before "I've been feeling pretty crappy the last week or so, I haven't had my period this month, the smell of coffee is killing me and I just, I dunno, I thought maybe I might be"

Brian just nodded, turning the box over in his hands again and again while she stood on the opposite side of the counter, her hands gripping the edge until her knuckles turned white.

"What do you think?"

"I dunno, I mean, is there anything to really think about yet?" He remarked "I mean, you don't really know right?"

Olivia's heart dropped to her feet, he didn't want a baby. She watched his face as his gaze shifted from her face to her stomach and then back to the box containing the pregnancy test.

"No, I guess not" She whispered softly in reply

"Liv…"

"I don't wanna take it" She admitted "I don't wanna take it because if it's positive, everything changes, everything we thought we knew is gone and this whole thing we have changes, that's if you'll even stay with me and the baby, I mean Bri, we've never even talked about kids…and if it's negative, then there's this awkward thing between us of that time when I thought I could be pregnant and I wasn't and we got all worked up for nothing"

Brian let her rant on for a few minutes, her words falling from her mouth in a rush, her hands moving in time with her speech, she always spoke more with her hands when she was nervous or happy.

"Liv, I don't…I don't know what you want me to say, how am I supposed to be happy or whatever you think I'm going to feel about something we don't even know exists?"

.

They ate dinner in a relative silence, not so much ate as pushed the food around on their plates until it looked like they had eaten something. Neither of them knew what to say to each other in this awkward situation, not knowing if they were expecting a child in nine months or not.

Brian watched his girlfriend as she slowly moved around a few strands of spaghetti on her plate, her eyes focused on the back wall, her mind clearly anywhere else than here with him in their home. The pregnancy test box still sat on the counter, glaring at him, making his heart pound and his throat turn to sandpaper. He hadn't thought about having kids for a long time, being undercover, never knowing when you were getting out was kind of a shitty place to try and plan having a life.

Back in the day he had thought about it, he thought about marrying the girl of his dreams, getting a nice house with a big back yard and a dog, then a couple of years down the line having a couple of kids, maybe one of each to complete the family. Something he never really had himself growing up, with both his parents always working, trying to provide for their family he had always vowed that if he was ever to become a father and be lucky enough to have his own kids he would be there for them, through everything, they would always come first. But right now, at this point in his life, with his job the way it was, that didn't seem possible.

He had thought about it when he first met Olivia, he had been so besotted with her since day one and he'd never forget how he felt about her then, everything was so new and exciting, he had never felt that way about anyone before and then she shot him down and his dreams went with it.

He loved her beyond words, nothing in this world could compare to how he felt about her and he knew and he hoped she did too that he would do anything in the world to make her happy, even if that meant having kids, just right now, with both of their careers in the hectic mess they were, was it really the right time for a child?

"When…are you gonna…"

"I'll take it in the morning, apparently it's better to take it in the morning" Olivia spoke quickly, knowing exactly what he was asking without him even having to say it.

"Okay" Brian nodded and replied quietly, he got up from his chair and dumped his plate of food in the trash, unable to eat without feeling nauseous, the feeling of elephants doing somersaults taking over his insides.

"Do you even want kids Bri? I mean we've never even talked about it?"

"I guess I never thought I would" He shrugged and told her honestly "I did think about it, years ago before work and being UC took over my life, I mean who doesn't think about the future?"

"I guess…"

Brian moved to the couch and urged her to sit beside him. Olivia slowly leaned back into the cushions, hers hands by her side, she glanced at her left hand as he laced they're fingers together and brought their joined hands to his mouth, softly kissing her knuckles.

.

Olivia awoke the next morning to the sound of her alarm blaring beside her. She rolled over and grabbed her phone, switching the alarm off and dropped her head back to her pillow. She turned slightly when she heard a sigh and felt a pair of arms tighten around her waist.

"Should you not have left already?" She asked quietly in the darkness, her fingers reaching to trace the curve of his ear before sweeping down his jaw.

"You said you were gonna take the test this morning right? I thought maybe I should stay for it"

"You don't have to" She insisted as she began to climb out of bed

"Well, it's not exactly something I wanna hear over the phone is it?" Brian replied, a hint of anger in his voice at the fact that she thought he would just leave and expect her to do this on her own.

"No I-I'm sorry"

"Sorry I snapped" He groaned and rubbed his hands tiredly over his face as he sat up in the bed. "I just, this is it…"

"I'll be back" She said quietly as she clambered out of bed and made her way into the bathroom.

While Brian quickly got ready in the bedroom, his mind playing over both scenarios a million different ways in his mind, Olivia sat on the edge of the bathtub, her cell phone in her hand watching the stop watch count up to four minutes.

She felt sick to her stomach as she watched the one turn to two, she heard Brian shuffling around in the bedroom, she was sure he had asked if she was okay at one point but she never replied, she just sat still, in silence, the only sound being that of her thundering heart.

She ran her hands through her bed hair and sighed as the four turned to five and she still sat on the edge of the tub, she reached forward and unlocked the bathroom door inviting Brian to come in. She couldn't bear to look at the test, she had let herself get excited yesterday, just for a moment at the prospect of her still being able to have a child, still being able to be a mother like she'd always wanted and now it was the moment of truth.

"Well…" Brian quietly walked into the room and Olivia nodded towards the white and blue stick that rest on the sink.

"I can't, I-"

"Okay, it's okay" Brian sat beside her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder he kissed the side of her head three times "You want me to look?"

She nodded softly against his shoulder and stopped the clock on her phone that now read that it had been over seven minutes. She watched hesitantly as Brian slowly strode over to the sink and picked up the edge of the test.

"Well, what is it?"

.

review please (:

lyrics: Broken Crown - Mumford & Sons

twitter: ahoycinderella