Eternity, a harry potter fanfic

Warning: contains slash. No like, no read.

Um, the different parts correspond to the song Eternity by Robbie Williams. The lyrics have now been removed now, because I like to be good.

This fic is from Remus' point of view, just thinking about Sirius.

The song plays out, his voice reaching out. You always liked Robbie Williams. I stand with my head bowed, facing away from the others. Your memorial service. The whole idea makes me feel ill. We're mourning you. All I can think about is what you'd be doing if you were with me; you'd be making stupid comments in my ear, saying how much you hated the formality and seriousness of it all, and what you'd rather be doing back home. You didn't grieve, did you? I always envied you that. But this damn memorial service! You're not even gone!

I know that's not true, I'm kidding myself really. But I can't think about you not being here. Not coming in at odd hours, sticking your head through my door, laughing that stupid annoying bark.

Tears slip down my face. I don't want to wipe them away. If I do that, everyone will see. And no one knows what you meant to me.

You were the one to discover my secret first. You and James were suspicious, knew there was something up, but to James it was my business. You on the other hand never could keep your nose out of other people's business.

I'll never forget how you let me know you knew. It was our second year. We were sat by the lake. Just us; James had detention, and Peter was in the library. You decided we all needed nicknames. I wasn't too bothered, barely listening to you. You said James should be Specs, Peter should be Stumpy, and I should be Moony.

I nearly died. You said it so matter-of-factly, I knew from the look on your face that you knew. You held my hand and told me not to be a prat. You were still going to be my best friend, and James wouldn't think worse of me because of it. You said that I was Moony. That I wouldn't be me without the wolf inside.

I still hated that part of me, and over the years you came to realise that. Every so often I'd hear of a 'cure', and you'd go and find it for me. They never worked, but you never stopped looking. You did try something else though. You tried to help me be me.

One night in our seventh year we had a party. I got far too drunk on Firewhiskey, and you found me upstairs in our dormitory. I wanted to kill myself. I was in tears, saying that I hated the wolf, and I hated myself. You caught my hands in yours.

Your voice sounded strange as you spoke. I don't think I'd ever heard you be more serious. You told me that you loved me, with the wolf. That I needed the wolf inside me so I could truly be me, Moony. You kissed me. Softly at first, uncertain how I'd take it.

After that, whenever I was feeling low, all you had to do was hold me and kiss me, and you soothed my soul.

We never did talk about Peter. Not properly, beyond 'I wish Harry had let us kill the little…'

You turned up at my door, the night it happened, needing a place to stay. You looked so exhausted, with bags under your eyes and lines on your face where none had been before. I know now it was the aftermath of the spell to change Secret-Keepers.

You held me in your arms for most of the night. Were you thinking that I was the traitor? You loved me so much. You would have done anything for me. I would have been the only one who could have got the secret from you. At the time I wasn't thinking about who the traitor was, and didn't want to. No one ever does want to think about their friends' betrayal.

But then you left me.

We were lying in bed when you said 'Prongs'. You knew that the secret had been broken, I don't know how. But you didn't say anything else to me. You leapt up, got dressed and ran out of the house. I followed you out to your bike, but I couldn't stop you. When I screamed at you to explain, you kissed me on the cheek and whispered 'I'm sorry.'

I heard the news the next day. Lily and James were dead. Aurors came to the house, asking if I'd seen you the night before. I told them you'd left in a hurry, agitated about James. The message for them came while they were with me. Peter had confronted you in a Muggle street, and you'd killed him. Just like you'd killed Lily and James.

I broke down. Dumbledore made me leave the country, go somewhere I wouldn't be reminded of you. It didn't work. Everything I saw made me think about what you'd say. I hated you so much. Whenever I saw a dog I'd feel sick; and yet my heart would leap in anticipation. Maybe it would be you. Even though I hated you, I loved you still.

Harry somehow got the Marauder's Map, and Snape ended up catching him with it. He called me down to his dungeon, and I saw it, our writing insulting Snape. That was your idea- if Snape tried to figure out the Map, it would merely insult him. James also made us write compliments for Lily on it, but luckily Snape didn't say he was Lily Evans.

I took the Map from Harry, and sat watching it whenever I could. Watching for you. Part of me still believed you were innocent. The wolf part of me, but I didn't listen to it. I told myself I was looking for you so that I could turn you in. Then I saw Peter's name on it, and I ran to the Shack. Hearing that you were innocent made me want to cry.

I hugged you. I didn't know if you would still care for me in the way you had before, after I had disowned you. We would have kept hugging, if Hermione hadn't screamed. Luckily the children didn't notice how close we were. I could feel you shaking beneath me, and it was shocking how thin you were.

I thought you were going to spring through the air and attack Snape when he put bonds around me. It made me happy, in a way. Maybe you still cared for me. But then you said you thought I was the spy. I couldn't bear it, so had to call you Padfoot rather than Sirius. If Peter hadn't been there I would have vented my anger, but as it was I focused it on him.

Strange, isn't it, how Aurors and the Ministry only take my word as truth when it suits them? When I told them you'd been agitated as you left me on the night James and Lily died, they thanked me kindly and told me my evidence was all they needed. And yet when I told them you were innocent, they said I was your friend, bound to defend you. I was also a werewolf. No one would take the word of a werewolf. Even when I offered to take Veritaserum they refused. If I said you were innocent while under Veritaserum, it would make things complicated.

It's because of them we didn't have enough time together. I hate them.

You came to my house after the Triwizard tournament, after Voldemort came back. Dumbledore sent you out to alert everyone who'd been in the Order first time round. I was your last stop.

I hadn't seen you since the night in the Shrieking Shack. You hadn't changed much- maybe slightly less thin, but the aching desolation in your eyes was still there. It was awkward, standing there in my poky living room. It was about two in the morning, so you said you'd sleep on my couch. I lay awake for a few hours, thinking about you. I finally managed to get to sleep, but you woke me up. You were screaming, and thrashing around. You woke yourself up, and I held you. You sobbed for hours.

You'd changed. Been changed. Azkaban had done more than make you thin, it had taken part of your soul. When you slept you remembered the worst memories of your life. Your parents. The day we had that blazing row and I walked out. Godric's Hollow after Voldemort had been there.

Things were less awkward the next morning. We settled back into the old routine of wake up, I go out, I come home, we eat, we lie in the living room and talk, we go to bed. But something was different. For the first time in our relationship, it was I who had to be strong. I had to be the one who could hold you in the middle of the night, and kiss away the nightmares. I protected you.

I never realised how much you hated your parents until we got to Grimmauld Place. Before, you had been improving, getting slightly happier, but once we got inside the door you descended into a depression. You were back in the place you had run away from. You had Harry's best friends, but not Harry. You couldn't just kiss me whenever you felt like it.

We had to hide our relationship all the time. I'm pretty sure Bill worked it out, but Molly didn't realise. She was too worked up about Percy, and the twins, to pay attention within the house. Bill didn't ever talk about it. He was hardly ever at headquarters anyway.

You had the highest room in the house, without going into the attic. I was on the same floor. When everyone was asleep you'd come creeping into my room with a stupid grin on your face. Sometimes we'd make love, other times we'd just lie there. Not talking. Just taking strength from the closeness of another person.

That sounds so dumb, doesn't it? It sounds like we were an old chaste couple. We weren't, of course. I think you often took delight in imagining what your mother would have thought about what we got up to. You used to make me howl, and one night when you were feeling particularly affectionate we made so much noise that the next morning Molly said she thought we had a poltergeist in the attic.

I never loved anyone before you, and you were all I ever wanted. In every sense. Sometimes that upset you, the fact that I had nothing to compare you to. I wanted to make you see that there was no one I wanted to compare you to.

My favourite memory of us was before we got involved too deeply with the Order. We were living in a farmhouse you'd bought in a little village in Somerset, called Churchstanton. We were only about twenty, young and crazy and in love.

It was getting close to the full moon, and I was tense. You told me we were having a night time stroll- and I replied that I hardly saw how a moonlit walk would help with my PLS(1). The lanes were so winding, if a car had come down the road we wouldn't have stood a chance. We walked past all the hedgerows until we came to a field. And it turned out you'd made us a picnic. You'd brought all of my favourite foods, even the ones I hadn't mentioned since school. You also had a red rose in the basket- our flower. We ate, and then you transformed. I loved you then more than ever. You were just running around, taking delight in being able to do anything you wanted.

Then you came back to me. When we kissed I could taste chocolate on your mouth, and you were so sweet I could have stayed there forever.

We never did all those things we planned. We were going to go to Venice, take a gondola ride. We were going to Apparate to the top of Everest and scare the Muggle climbers. We were going to live.

But now we can't do any of those things. Because you're gone and I'm still here. Again. I'm the last one of us all.

The summer was the worst time for me. It was my birthday, and the anniversary of my bite. I also dreaded going home, where I'd have no one. My parents used to chain me in a shed during full moon. When you found out, you wanted to rip their throats out. They had no choice really, without Wolfsbane potion.

Throughout our fifth year I'd had my friends with me, helping me to control the wolf. But then I had to go home, and I knew that it would be one of my hardest transformations. It was right at the beginning of August, and I'd just got into the shed. There was one window, and through it I could watch the moon rising. As I sat there, gazing outwards, suddenly I heard barking from outside, and you bounded into the room in Padfoot form. James was still human, but he changed as he came into the room. You kept me company all night.

In the morning James explained that you'd run away from home, and then gone to stay at James'. You'd both been talking about me, and then you'd decided you were coming. James had gone along with it, because he thought it would be a laugh. It was just things like that which really made me love you. Really thoughtful things. None of the others would have thought to come and help me.

I think it was probably your idea to become Animagi. You'd been in the library for weeks. Everyone was starting to get suspicious, and ask if you were unwell. But you found a book which said that werewolves were no danger to other animals, and large animals could in fact keep the werewolf under control. Then you found the spells and potions needed to become Animagi, and only then did you tell James and Peter. You didn't tell me, not wanting to get my hopes up. The three of you only told me when you'd nearly completed the transformations. When we were much older, you told me you'd felt guilty for not being able to do more. You never realised how much you helped. Without the Marauders, and your transformations, the wolf would have driven me insane a lot quicker.

You had to protect people. James used to say it was your biggest character flaw. You couldn't just sit around at home while someone you loved was in danger or pain. It took all my strength and the threat of something happening to Harry to stop you going after Dolores Umbridge.

I told you about three weeks after you came to my house. You asked why I wasn't still in the old house, and despite my protestations I'd left because of memories, you kept on at me. Eventually I told you, more to shut you up than anything else.

You went completely mad. I thought you were going to rip the walls down, the way you were thrashing. I had to jump on you, telling you that if you went outside you might get spotted, and that would mean either the Dementor's Kiss or torture from Voldemort. You said that didn't matter. You stopped trying to leave when I reminded you about Harry. You were his godfather, and had to keep yourself safe in order to keep him safe.

Being cooped up in Grimmauld Place drove you crazy. Not just the fact of what house it was, but how you couldn't do anything. Snape's constant comments about how ineffective you were made you so angry. The others thought you were throwing tantrums, but they didn't see you sobbing at night because there was nothing you could do to help Harry.

That's why you ran to help him at the Ministry when Snape sent the message. That's why you didn't take so much care when duelling your cousin. You just wanted to be free to help.

You'll be free. Someday. And I'll be with you.

(1) PLS- Pre lunar syndrome. Nicked from Discworld.

Ok, slight AU with why Sirius went to Godric's Hollow, but hey. Like? No like? Review and tell me! Reviews help me to get through the long exams. I am very sorry for the cheesiness of some of my lines. Ah well.

Cool, this is just about my longest story. Woo hoo!

Yeah, and about Churchstanton- it is a real place, coz my friends live there and I have taken some walks (but we didn't have a picnic in a field and start kissing).