Tamora Pierce
Machiavella of Kingsport
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AUTHOR'S NOTE: PLEASE READ!!! Okay—people, after you read this fic and you get the idea of it—I desperately need ideas for the characters from Circle of Magic! So far, mine have been duds. If you have any ideas you'd like me to use, please e-mail me at: machiavella_nobles@hotmail.com Thank you! —Mychy
REPORTER: Hi, this is Elita Norwould here in the green country of Tortall. Today I am conducting a special interview with all of your favorite from the Tamora Pierce quartets: 'Song of the Lioness', 'The Immortals', and 'Protector of the Small'. I will be asking every character what they look for in a person and what their views on love are. First in line, we have…Alanna of Trebond and Olau, Baroness of Pirate's Swoop, more commonly known as the Lioness. So, Alanna, tell us—what do you look for in a person?
ALANNA: I suppose I'll be blunt about this, so I don't waste too much time…I like a man who can make me laugh, a man with muscle…that sort of charming guy.
ELITA: And on love?
ALANNA: Come again? Oh…oh…yes, the bed action. Well, it's all about the bed action.
ELITA: Next!
GEORGE: Hi, I'm her husband George. George Cooper, Baron of Pirate's Swoop.
ELITA: Hello. And you, what are your views?
GEORGE: I like a feisty woman with spunk and spirit. And love? Nothing to it, really. I'm with Al.
ELITA: Excuse me?
GEORGE: Al. You know, Alanna?
ELITA: Had me there for a second.
GEORGE: Very funny. Are you homophobic? Going now…
ELITA: All right, all right…Next?
JON: Hi. King Jonathan of Conte.
ELITA: Go ahead.
JON: Well, I've always liked the pretty women myself. Hence, my wife, Thayet. And love…well, I really need someone I can control. It's all about control. I can't live without control. You know, like…This is not a democracy, woman!
ELITA: ::disturbed:: Uh-huh. Next?
RAOUL: Hi, Raoul of Goldenlake, Commander of the King's Own. I think a woman should be spirited, independent, funny, somewhat cynical…Buri, in other words. And love is when you value each other for what's inside, not outside. That's what I think.
ELITA: I like you, unlike some…::coughs and glares pointedly at Jon:: previous interviewees. Next?
BURI: Buriram Tourakom, Commander of the Queen's Riders. I like tall, muscular, humorous men. And on love, siding with Raoul. ::snorts:: I really don't have the time for such rubbish…
ELITA: Well, sorry, Miss Midol…next?
THAYET: Queen Thayet of Conte. Truth be told, the answer to both of your questions would have to be…I don't know. I mean, well, I just have to go with what others decide. And plus, Jon is such a control freak.
ELITA: I was afraid of that. That's news. Next?
GARY: I need to get back to my paperwork.
ELITA: Okay…next?
ALEX: Never thought about it, really. By the way, the name's Alexander of Tirragen. As for love? ::cackles insanely:: You're asking a man of pure bile here!
ELITA: Whoa! Calm yourself! Next?
ROGER: Duke Roger of Conte, Madam Elita. ::kisses her hand charmingly:: So nice to meet you.
ELITA: You charmer, you. Go ahead…
ROGER: I love a beautiful woman…so like yourself. And I pride myself on being rather good at mattress tennis, if you know what I mean…
ELITA: I'm sure you'd like to demonstrate sometime. ::giggles giddily:: Farewell, cutie.
ROGER: I'll see you after dinner.
ELITA: ::sighs passionately:: Next?
DELIA: Delia of Eldorne, Roger's lover.
ELITA: Shut up, bitch…
DELIA: Mithros, like, what was that all about? How rude! ::shoves past Elita angrily:: Take a chill pill…and you can forget about your little interview! Just don't go there! Like, Mithros, what a bitch…
ELITA: *Bitch*…next?
JOSAINE: Josaine of the Copper Isles. Alex's playtoy. And I don't care what kind of man…just as long as he's bigger than ten inches…down there, if you know what I'm talking about. And I've never really experienced it…'cause, you know, I'm down in Corus doing twenty men a night, and getting money for it, too. So…yeah, whatever…
ELITA: TMI. That was really disgusting, thank you, Josaine. Next?
FAITHFUL: I'm a cat, numb nuts.
ELITA: Sorry. Next?
THOM: Thom of Trebond, at your service. And…well, I don't have an opinion. 1—I was made for being a loner. 2—I'm a virgin, so how should I know?
ELITA: I'm very sorry to hear that. Next?
NUMAIR: Excuse me, you're to have to give me some time to ponder this. In the meantime, Daine and I have some…::coughs:: work to do…
ELITA: I see…
DAINE: It's all about the size of his…you know…Why do you THINK I go for the big guys?!
ELITA: Well, that explains those two. Next?
OZORNE: Mmph.
ELITA: Sorry. Nice…er, feathers.
RIKASH: What the hell? I'm gonna fucking kill you for that!
ELITA: Well, seems the 'The Immortals' crew isn't very sociable today. Let's skip to 'Protector of the Small', shall we?
KEL: I'm Keladry of Mindelan. As for me? I like the tall men, curly red hair, you know. And love? I really don't have time for it. I'm a knight, and I have work to do.
ELITA: Poor you. Next?
CLEON: I'm Cleon of Kennan. And, well…love is an ever-flowing waterfall of passion and blindness. It is a sparkling diamond of hope and truth. Love is…Kel. ::sighs::
ELITA: I'm sure when she retires, you two will make a very cute couple. After all, you're what she's looking for in a man. You have hope, Cleon, you have hope. Next?
NEAL: My name is Nealan of Queenscove. I like all the beautiful women. ::sighs sadly:: but they just don't seem to go for my type.
ELITA: Well, I think you're cute…
NEAL: You like Roger, of all people. You don't count.
ELITA: Thanks. Next?
OWEN: ::screams:: GROSS! Find me a bandit!
ELITA: 'Kay…next?
JOREN: ::coughs, splutters, turns red:: No comment!
ELITA: Oh, you poor cutie…not ready for a relationship yet?
JOREN: Shut up.
ELITA: ::clucks her tongue pityingly at his back:: Poor fellow. Next?
VINSON: Women are just inferior, weaker forms of human life. They're only good for sex, and that's it.
ELITA: Chauvenistic pig!!!!
GARVEY: Okay, whatever. Leaving now.
ELITA: Next?
LALASA: ::whimpers, runs and hides::
ELITA: She should pair up with that other shy blond guy…
DOM: The name's Masbolle…Domitan of Masbolle, sweet thang…Well, I love a woman with a sense of humor, a pretty woman…and as for love, it's all flirting for me. I never had a serious relationship in my life.
ELITA: No surprise there, 'sweet thang'. Next?
ILANE: Ilane of Mindelan, Kel's mom. Well, I like the little guys. I like it when they squeal in bed, don't you? Anyway, I think love is…being able to fuck whoever you like.
ELITA: Whoa. NO resemblance between you and your daughter, now, is there. Next.
ROALD: Prince Roald of Conte. Well, contrary to popular belief, I DO like a conventional woman.
ELITA: Next?
YUKI: Neal. No further comments. ::hides red face behind shukusen::
ELITA: ::calls over her shoulder to Neal:: See? The women DO like you!
YUKI: Not so loud!
ELITA: Sorry. Next?
SHINKO: it's all about their personality. I like a serious man. Oh, by the way, I'm Shinkokami. From the Yamani Islands. Roald is going to be my husband.
ELITA: So…um, happy for you. Next?
MITHROS: I am a god. YOU get it, don't you? I fucking invented sex!
ELITA: Really? So—how many positions are there? Could you show me sometime? Oh my god, I'm meeting a god! Eeks!
MITHROS: Too many positions to count. And I'm not attached to anyone, so, sure…any time you feel like it.
ELITA: WOW…next?
JUMP: I've got a bone…and you can chew it…if you like it doggie-style, baby, we can do it…
ELITA: Er, no thanks. Okay, well, that wraps up our time in Tortall! I hope you enjoyed watching this…very interesting interview. Until next time, this is Elita Norwould.
MOTHER GODDESS: ::sarcastically:: Oh, don't ask me—I only invented the pregnancy charm…