Title: The Hero dies in this one
Author: Jessica
Email: jrothenyahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: Wedding days blues, Say something, So..good talk, A house is not a home
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please...jrothenyahoo.se
Pairing: Luke/Lorelai
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: What if Lorelai actually left for Europe? What if she actually took the offer?
AUTHORS NOTE: Title comes from a song by The Ataris
Inspired well, a little, by the song "Do what you have to do" by Sarah Mclachlan.
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistakes may occur.
I wonder how I'm suppose to carry on when you're gone.
I'll never be the same without you,
I love you more then you will ever know.
So maybe now you finally know.
The thorns are digging into the palm of your hand by now.
But you don't feel it.
You have become a master of blocking it out.
You blocked the pain out, denied that it ever existed.
It was the only thing that had kept you alive during the years.
It kept you alive when your father died.
It kept you alive when Rachel came and went.
And it would keep you alive, once again, when she had gone.
You had bought her flowers.
You had never bought her flowers.
The mere thought of it made you laugh at first.
You were not that kind of guy.
You had never been that guy.
But you had nothing left now to give her.
So you bought her flowers, a single red rose.
This plain flower would speak words that you couldn't let yourself say out loud.
It was a silly way of saying the three magic words that you had wanted to say to her for so long.
But you know that if you did, if you opened yourself up so totally, then you would unleash a lion that you couldn't tame.
You would be at the mercy of her.
And you had vowed once that you would never ever let anyone have that kind of power over you.
So you would let a single red rose say what you hadn't the courage to say yourself.
It was weak, you knew that.
But it had kept you alive.
Now, it was killing you.
The thorns prick your skin and the blood stains the sleeves of your flannel shirt.
But you don't care about that.
Your legs gave way and you sat down.
You had always hated airports.
The smell, the rush and the people.
The truth was that it made you feel small.
Your world had always been Stars Hollow.
It was your home and you had never wanted anything else than the safety of your hometown.
You had been foolish.
You knew that.
You had thought that little town would be enough for her.
But you were wrong.
And now the bitter truth was laughing you straight in your face.
You hadn't been good enough.
You had nothing to offer her after all.
Just a dirty, old diner and an apartment that had seen its better days.
So you had bought a house.
You wanted a home, a real home, that was yours.
You had dreamt about that house for longer than you would admit to any living soul.
You had wanted to tell her more than once but you had no idea how.
She was like a bird, impossible to hold.
You had stood at the sidelines for so long watching, as her heart was broken more than once.
But you had also seen her break hearts.
She possessed a power that scared you sometimes.
She could walk into a room and she shone so bright that it would daze everyone in the room.
You had seen her wrap men around her finger.
It was never intentional but still.
You were her friend.
Friend.
Nothing more.
You can't remember the time you fell in love with her because it happened so slowly.
She walked in and out of your diner and she turned heads.
And somewhere along the way you fell in love with her.
You fell in love with the light that seemed to shine from within.
You fell in love with the little things about her.
Her laughter.
The way she would brush back a strand of hair.
The way she loved her daughter.
She became your world.
You didn't see it at first.
She was your friend after all.
And you do favors for friends.
You sit with them when their father is in the hospital.
You fix the things that needed to be fixed.
You laugh with them and you hold them when they cry.
But you couldn't help but notice the sting in your heart when she told you that she was engaged to be married.
She was happy and you were dead.
But you denied it.
As you had always done.
You gave her the only thing that you could: you gave her a chuppah.
You spend hours and hours crafting the wood until it was perfect.
You wanted her to be happy.
So gave away a little piece of yourself that day.
A part of you always believed that it would be different between the two of you.
She wouldn't run this time because you were the one that would make her stay.
You were both older now, wiser.
You thought the past had taught you a thing or two about her.
But the truth was that the only thing you had learned during the years you had stood at the sidelines was that she was impossible to hold.
The truth hit you in the stomach as you rose from the chair.
It laughed in your face and rang in your ears.
You had been foolish thinking that you, a simple owner of a diner, would keep such a bird.
But you thought your love would hold her.
If you just loved her in every way possible maybe then she would stay this time.
For a moment, for a single moment you had had it all.
You had reached out your hand and grabbed love.
You that had never ever asked for anything, asked for love.
And you got it.
You found it in your best friend.
You found a passion that burned and devoured you.
But rather than recoil you reached for more.
You let yourself drown in her and she made you forget about the worries that once ate at your soul.
You became addicted to her and the sweet release of her.
Like the fool you were, you did everything for her.
And you paid the price.
You didn't see it coming.
She broke your heart with silence.
She broke your heart by not saying anything.
But you would never admit that to one living soul.
So you did what you had become a master of; you protected the last remaining pieces of your heart by pushing her away.
But the truth was that you were less than yourself when you were apart from her.
The time apart weakened you and you hated the fact that you couldn't function without her.
Your bed seemed bigger somehow, colder.
The silence stung more than anything.
It coiled around your heart and squeezed it until you had to gasp for air.
It took only three small words to push you back into her arms.
As you stood there, staring out of the window, you couldn't help but laugh at the fact that you had run back to her because of three little words.
But the bitter truth was that you didn't need anything other than that.
You needed proof and you got it.
The rest was history.
You chose to lock your fears back into that little room in your heart and throw away the key.
You were in love.
And you chose to close your eyes to everything else.
Then the offer for the Inn came.
She had gotten offers before.
But this time was different.
You could see it in her eyes.
She lit from within when she spoke about her possibilities.
So you did the right thing, the mature thing, you pushed her forward.
You wanted her happiness after all.
You had never in your life ever imagined that she would find happiness without you.
But most of all you had never imagined that she might actually take the job.
You had had a big fight that night when she came to you and told you that she had taken the job.
She claimed that nothing would change between the two of you.
But you knew better than that.
You had seen it happen before with Rachel.
So you acted like you always had done.
You acted out of anger and you said things that should never had been said.
The words seemed to hover and soar in the air around you both.
But you couldn't help but notice the flash of pain in her eyes as your words sunk in.
But you chose to ignore it.
You wanted to harm her, cause her pain.
You wanted her heart to twist with pain.
She stormed out that night screaming three nasty words that made your heart bleed:
"I HATE YOU!"
You had wanted her in pain and you got it.
She didn't come into the diner anymore.
You acted stubbornly and you claimed that you were not at fault.
But as days flew by you crumbled.
You missed her.
You missed every part of her.
So you bought her a rose.
A single, pathetic rose.
Like a rose would mend the gap between the two of you.
But you had to try.
So you jumped in your truck and drove to the airport in Hartford.
She was leaving for Europe.
You were going to try to sweep her of her feet with a single red rose.
But nothing is ever that simple.
She stood by the gate when you first saw her.
She was ready to board and walk out of your life.
"Lorelai!"
She turned and your eyes met.
She didn't smile when she saw you.
She didn't move.
You made your way to her, rose in hand.
"Luke, wa..what? What are you doing here?"
"Don't go."
It was out before you could stop them.
You had never been good with words.
"Luke..don't.."
"Look, Lorelai..I said stupid things…we both did and I don't. It's just…I can't.."
"I need to go.."
She turned to leave.
"Don't go.."
You took her hand in yours and made her stop and look at you.
"Luke, please.."
"I need you here.."
"I'm coming back."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because.."
"Lor, please..Stay..Stay with me…Don't go to Europe."
"I have to."
"No, you don't. All you need is here, in Stars Hollow. You know that..I know that…"
"I have to go..Otherwise.."
"What?"
"Otherwise, I will never know.."
"Know what?"
"If this is the person I want to be."
"There's nothing wrong with the old you."
"Luke..please.."
You moved towards her.
She backed away.
"Don't do this. I have to.."
"Please, just stay a little while longer..You can drive to New York and talk to whatever people you want but please.."
"Try to understand."
"I don't."
"I need this."
"But I need you…here.. with me."
You were weak. You knew that.
You sacrificed yourself.
But you didn't care.
The words were out and you couldn't stop them.
"I can't, Luke…"
She turned to leave.
All words were said.
There was nothing more you could do.
She was determined now.
So you did the one thing you could do.
You kissed her.
You let yourself drown in her.
You drank the taste of her like it was water and you hadn't had a drink for days.
You pressed her against you, wanting to mold her body with yours.
A little cry escaped from her lips and you moved away.
But you didn't let her go.
How could you when every part of you screamed to hold on?
You rested your forehead against hers and you whispered the three little words that you had kept locked in your heart for so long:
"I love you."
The words were out and it seemed to hover over the both of you like a huge cloud.
Silence settled between the two of you.
You closed your eyes in a weak attempt to shut the coming pain out.
Her silence was deafening.
She spoke first:
"Please, let me go…"
And with those words something inside of you came apart and flew across the antiseptic linoleum floor like broken glass.
You let her go and moved away from her.
She picked up her bag and looked at you:
"I'm sorry."
Then she walked away from you.
You stand there with the rose digging into your palm watching as planes leave the airport.
Her plane is just a little dot on the sky by now.
You stand there staring up at the sky while the petals of the are stained by your blood.
But you don't notice that.
You can't feel the pain anymore.
You don't feel anything anymore.
It's the only thing you could do to survive this.
You let the rose fall to the ground.
Her plane is nowhere to be seen.
You turn and walk the path to your car.
To go back to the life you cling to.
And inside of your head a voice is screaming:
FOOL!
Feedback jrothenyahoo.se