This was submitted for the JBNP 4 Autism fundraiser. The banner as well as the one shot can be found on JBNP and donations are still being accepted at .
BPOV
It's hard to sit here and stare at the mirror, to look upon the woman I've become and see the scared teenager looking back through the same brown eyes. How could I make such a mistake, lose myself in the glamour of love and fail to see what was right in front of me.
It has been one year since I lost the warmth of your sun, basked in the beautiful and purity of your grace. I've become hollow, lost to the endless masochistic lashings of my unforgiving conscience and constantly trying to seek out a reason where there is none to be found. I wish I could explain to you how it felt, how pure and genuine the words he uttered massaged my desperately seeking heart. It was so easy to fall under his spell, to live in a world not stricken by normalcy or inadequacy but by the endless possibilities of a better tomorrow. He promised me this amongst other things but the one thing that kept me coming back was the love I thought I felt for him.
It has become clear to me now, in the silence of an empty room just how false the ideology was and how I failed to see the true unyielding power of your love from amongst the darkness of his all-encompassing illusion of grandeur. You were the pinnacle of purity and even with your last plea, the warmth of your lips on mine in that most dire moment, when life and death hung in the balance, even then it wasn't enough. You weren't enough and I wasn't good enough for you.
My hands fist in my matted hair, neither the comfort of a hot bath nor the kind words of a caring father can aid my lost soul while I remain sequester in my room. I want nothing to do with the outside world for everything including the very trees that surround this city remain a reminder of my mistake.
I find comfort in the peace of this room, a stack of pictures resting on one side while your graduation gift rests on the other. It is all that I have of you for it is only now do I fully grasp the gravity of that firm upper hand and the rejection that came along with it. It is only now while I sulk in such guilt do I see the error of my ways and the covered path I've set for myself. There is no going back, retracing my steps for in committing such a cruel act, I've lost my way back to you and as punishment, I must learn to live a life without sun, happiness and love.
The slight tapping against my bedroom door beckons my attention for a only a moment, my father on the other side of the oak frame pleading to be let into my hell and I, like always, demand he just let me be. I know my pain is his but unlike him, I cannot find comfort in alcohol nor the ranting's of an old family friend. I lost that when I lost you and so I remain a prisoner of my own guilt, a prisoner of my love for you.
As my eyes begin to grow heavy, and my mind seeks comfort in the memories of histories past, your faint voice intercedes and the wisdom of your final plea reverberates within the subconscious of my mind "Be true to who you are Bella. You don't have to change for me."
I can't help but smile, the thought of the way things could have went etched in my dreams and on some small scale, they offer a glimmer of hope that maybe, someday, things will change.
A few hours later…
The loud tapping of yet another dreary stormy day beckons my attention and pulls me from my sleep. It would seem almost ironic how Mother Nature reflects the darkness of my life through grey skies and yet I find no happiness from it. Slowly I force myself from bed and drag my feet to the chair, the one that overlooks the backyard, the one place I might catch a glimpse of you, if only for a moment.
It's funny how life comes full circle. I ignored your open expression of love, denied the tingling feeling in the very core of my body every time you were near, dismissing it as childhood lust and nothing more. I denied my true heart's desire, who I really was and what I truly deserved for something that pails in comparison. I guess it would only seem fitting that this be my punished, a life without him and without you.
In truth it was he who let me go in an effort to allow me to live a normal life. I wish I could say I had the courage to end it especially at that very moment when his lips touched mine after the battle for my life and I felt nothing, but I was a coward. I didn't want to believe I was that naïve to the illusion that I could have a normal life with him. I guess you could say he did me a favor but in providing me such an opportunity, he also left me to the guilt of losing you and myself in the process.
I wasn't sure who I was without him or you, both of you being the driving force, the only source of happiness and sanity in this life and now I am without you both. What have I become? The endless thoughts plague my early hours and even though I swore to never feel the dampness of the outside air, the suffocation of such thoughts was too much to bear and so without delay I rushed out of the room, down the stairs and out the house. I had no destination but a strong compulsion to run.
I pushed my legs to the limit, forcing my weak body to press forward to destination unknown hoping maybe the fresh air, cold rain and open terrain might offer me reprieve and a sense of clarity. An unfamiliar feeling falls upon me as the branches scratch and claw at my sensitive skin as I bum rush the tall timbers of this vast land, the heat of my exhaustion nothing in comparison to the anger that brews within me. Up until now the sense of loss, of emptiness was all I could see and feel but now, being out here, free from the binds of loneliness and despair, I find not solace but fury. I was human wasn't I? I was allowed to make mistakes. Who were they to judge?
Before long I find myself at the cliffs edge, my body tethering between the thrill of the jump and the emptiness I left behind. The rage within me became all-consuming and with every last drop of strength I had left, I scream out into the wildness, "This is who I am. You said to be true to myself well here I am!"
My own voice bounces back to me and the conviction behind the words causes a chill to rise along my arms. I had never felt such anger, such resentment before today. It was as if I was only looking at the mirror from one angle, chastising myself for the choices I made and although I did cause pain, they were all the growing pains of life. I might have lost my way but I was finally finding my way back. I was finally seeing the person I wanted to be.
The storm became more violent and before I could seek shelter in the trees, a sharp wind with just enough strength pushed me and with nothing left to hold onto, my body fell. Panic and fear fell upon me in the descending moments, thoughts of what I could or should have done with the time I wasted in despair and yet a sense of peace came along with it. Although I had found strength in my last moments, it became clear to me the words you uttered not too long ago. I was being true to myself and breaking free of the guilt even if the finally outcome was my death. My head smacks against the rough sea below and forces my mind into unconscious, a place I sought quite often for it was in my dreams where everything was perfect.
Your image begins to form in the darkness and I can feel my heart skip in anticipation, the longing vacant and the warmth of your love filling the gaping hole in my chest each second I wait for your arrival. Just as your image becomes clear, it is quick to dissipate as I feel an overwhelming pressure come upon my chest which causes me to waken from my bliss.
"Breathe Bella Breathe" you whisper as your firm hands force the water from my lungs.
"Jake" I whisper, my voice horse and raspy as I try to reclaim clarity to decipher if this is real or still a dream.
"What were you trying to do Bella? I thought I lost you." You reply in a firm voice as your arms pull me into your chest.
I offer no response but rather enjoy the warmth of your skin upon mine. My eyes drift from your chest upward, your concerned glance beaming down at me as your mind tries to reason with my actions.
Slowly I reach up, cup your face and whisper, "Are you real?"
The beauty of that ever radiant smile, the one I thought I would never see again, pulls at your cheeks and forces the tears to well in my eyes. I had never known such beauty before and yet here you were, at my side, even after everything I had done.
"We should get you someplace warm" you reply and before I can rebut, my body is cradled in your arms and we are headed back towards the forest.
I feared this might be the only moment I have to make things right, to show you I am still the girl you fell in love with and the woman that can make you happy. "Jake…stop… please" I holler and like the obedient friend you always were, your movements halt and you stare down at me.
Gathering all the strength I could and still unsure of what the right thing to say was, I spoke from my heart and prayed you would listen with an open mind. "I'm sorry for everything. I could blame it on a crush, adolescent puberty, lust or stupidity but it doesn't matter what the reason was. I guess you could say I got lost in the power of love, the allure of finding that true soul mate and finally finding a sense of completion. I know and understand now how empty his words were, how I lost everything because I believed a lie. I lost myself Jake and in doing so I lost the most important thing of all…you. I understand if you can never forgive me for what I've done but we are all human. We all make mistakes. Can't we just start over, be the Jake and Bells we once were?"
I felt your chest contract as a sigh exits your lips. The tenseness of your muscles around my body spoke volumes to the mental debacle you found yourself in at this moment. I knew it was unfair to ask this of you, to plea for a second chance when I didn't deserve it but I had to try. After all, resilience was your specialty so I saw no reason why I couldn't acquire that talent as well.
"I don't know Bella…you really"
"Hurt you…I know and I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back Jake. If I could go back and change things I would but I can't. I know now that the person I had become while around Edward was not the person I was or want to be. You always said I wouldn't have to change for you. You liked me just the way I was so I am taking you up on that offer. We can start off slow. I will earn your trust….your love if you will allow me."
A silence filled the air between us, the tension so thick you could cut it with a knife but just when I thought all was lost, you fell to your knees with me in tow, slowly lowering me to the damp ground below while remaining hovered over me, the water droplets the only thing standing between us as you whisper, "I never lost hope that you would find yourself, that you would see life was worth living. This is a tough road we are about to travel on, are you sure it is what you want?"
I could feel your desperation, the longing to believe I spoke the truth and so through teary eyes and a quivering voice I reply, "With all my heart."
Our fate was sealed in that moment, our lips crashing upon one another's just as the thunder crackled into the morning sky. It would seem almost poetic and fated that we be reunited like this, the place I found and lost love then reclaimed it again. My destiny had finally been rewritten and a value lesson learned. If you stay true to yourself, love will always find a way.