I Care About You.
Back here in the UK we've only just seen the S4 finalie, but once I heard about this episode, I had to watch the clips on youtube.
It's a one shot from Alex's POV, showing what was going through his head during the AI scene in 5.05
"What?"
He doesn't want to see anyone right now, least of all her. She brings out emotions with a terrible intensity in him, and now after these past few weeks, he doesn't think he can feign nonchalance quite as successfully as usual.
However, typically she ignores him and positions herself firmly in his doorway and he knows that tonight, she is a woman with a purpose. One involving him.
"I care about you." she says it once and then again but he lets her words run off him. A fool can see how much she cares about just about anyone she meets; how she thrives on helping out the needy and the pathetic. And he does not accept pity.
"I'm not going to crazy and I'm not gonna try to kill myself. And I'm not going to stop caring about you, no matter how hard you push me away."
He knows that it isn't meant as a barb but the words sting because the pain of Rebecca is still fresh and something tells him that the particular wounds she inflicted would never truly heal.
"Shut up and get out of my room." He tells her cooly and with a slight hint of anger. She isn't preturbed thought and merely continues to look at him calmly. But then he knows that she must be used to his abuse after his recent moods.
"No, I care about you…"
It comes again, stronger this time, but again his shrugs it off. Izzie Stephens is a people person. One that cares for everyone she meets, She may care about him, but that does not make him unique.
"…And I know you care about me too…"
Oh care is so not the word for what he feels. Not that she ever seems to notice. She's too busy treating him like a girlfriend- telling him about her wonderful relationship with the best friend and lover George O'Malley. The man she fell in love with after screwing him once.
"It's not too late for us."
The very idea of there being an 'us' is laughable to him. Their first shambling attempt at a relationship fell apart in the blink of an eye and just as they were about to try again, the love of Izzie's life and number one charity case Denny showed up to sweep her off her feet. She would never be all-in with him just like he knew she never could have been with George. Because as hard as they might try, it's clear that neither will never be Denny, so really what would be the point?
"Get out of my room."
He tries again despite knowing that she is going nowhere. She looks at him like she has a point to prove and she's not leaving until she does just that.
"Admit it. Admit that you care about me too."
He hears the slightest hint of derperation in her voice and part of him hopes that she'll give up and leave him alone for tonight. Maybe, just maybe he'll feel better equipped to deal with her in the morning, but he doubts it. That same part of him wants to yell at her like he has done so many times before; to hurt her like she's hurt him; to scream that maybe, just maybe if she hadn't left him for Denny they would still be together and neither of them would be standing here right now, as injured souls trying desperately to resurrect what once was.
The other part of him hates himself for not reassuring her that of course he cares; that it is impossible not to like her. And so he reaches an internal compromise and says nothing at all.
"I care about you."
He's been staring at her for a while and now he can't bring himself to look away. She'd always been strikingly beautiful. Too pretty for someone like him, and let's face it, his personality lately leaves a lot to be desired.
"I care about you."
He tries very hard not to listen to her, because she's revoking old feelings that would have been better to remain buried. Feelings of anger and resentment, but also of something that isn't quite love but feels very close to it.
"I care about you."
He really wishes she would stop saying that, or at least step back from him for just a moment. They have undeniable chemistry, but as they've both surely worked out by now, chemistry like theirs doesn't guarantee a relationship. Far from it.
He feels like her promixity is intoxicating him, weakening his resolve. In a last ditch attempt to stop him from throwing himself at her he quickly thrusts his mind back to his previous relationships, if you could even call them that. Addison, Ava, Lexie… He did attract the damaged goods of the hospital. People who he used and who had used him in equal measrure, leaving him just a little more damaged each time.
He couldn't go through the same tired pattern of sex and break ups again. Especially not with Izzie.
"I care about you."
This time her words managed to slip past the invisible wall he'd placed between himself and her a while ago and they hit him, hard. She cares about him. What would he have given to hear those words when he was still an intern? He would have dropped everything for her right up until Ava announced she was pregnant, and maybe even after.
God, has he really changed this much?
"I care about you."
Through Olivia, Denny and George they kept gravitating back towards each other and while he doesn't believe in any sort of God or fate, he knows that this has to mean something. And while never say never, he knows that if he doesn't say something now, he won't get another chance like this. It's taken two failed relationships and two one-off-kisses for them to finally even reach this stage of honesty and he knows he'd be stupid to give this up again.
So just as she the beginnings of another repetition form on her lips he leans forward abruptly and kisses her. It's uncoordinated and it certainly lacks the sheer romance of their first kiss, but he kisses her regardless.
And somewhere, at the back of his mind, a small voice tells him that maybe, just maybe this time things will work.
Please review! This is the first thing I've written in a long time, and it's my first GA since season 3, I think.
Thanks for reading :)