I'll never understand it. I would have done anything to ensure the fact that I would die first. I don't smoke, I don't drink, nor do I eat desserts. I guess subconsciously I do those things to make sure that I'm here on this earth for as long as I can. Why wouldn't I want to stay? I have two beautiful, healthy children and a career that allows me to work in the passion that I have for the law. I live in a small town that feels like home and a small home that keeps my whole world safe. My wife had all those things, too. Sure, she had a zest for life and liked to indulge herself in the occasional cigarette, stiff drink, or that last piece of cake, but I know she loved her life for the same reasons I love mine. Why would she ever leave?
That question plays over and over in my mind as I make my way to Barker's Eddy. I had just taken Calpurnia home for the night and Maudie was at the house tending to the children. They both have been especially good to me today. Today was my first Mother's Day without Jean and I knew today would be tough. I prepared myself for Jem to want to talk about her and for Scout to repeat, "Mama" just to hear herself talk. They never said a word about her. It was more of a sad shock than a big relief. I can't make them talk about her if they don't want to but I hope if they ever did want to talk about her, they would.
I stop the car and get out into the warm evening air. It was only May but there was still a sense of summertime staleness in the atmosphere. The calm water was inviting but I wasn't as impulsive as to jump in. Although, it would make Miss Maudie laugh. I can hear her on the phone with my brother, telling him that I had finally gone crazy.
Crazy. Who said I wasn't crazy? My wife died. I watched as a part of my son died with her when I broke the news to him. I watched in an almost happy disbelief when my daughter acted like life would go on just fine without her mother. I watched myself constantly to make sure I kept going. I had to. I was my children's father; they need me here. Calpurnia, Maudie, Alexandra, they try so hard to step in and be motherly but in the end, it's me that they want. In the end, it's me who is being both mom and dad. I'm doing the best I can.
"Do they know?"
I was shocked that I asked that out loud to myself but it's so goddamn quiet around here and it's so loud in my head.
"You left me here. The whole goddamned village could show up to help me and I would still feel all alone in this. Are my kids going to know that I'm doing the best I can for them? Do they know? I'm doing the best I fucking can!"
Hot tears of anger started to pour down my face. I'm angry, I'm crazy and I'm talking out loud to myself because I can't stand the silence. I need to go back to my car and go home. I no longer want to make a spectacle out of myself. I don't think about anything until Barker's Eddy is only visible to my rearview mirror.
"You are doing the best you can," I answer myself out loud. "Your kids will know one day. They will know the day God takes me from them. They will know I never gave up."