Summary: "There are no unwounded soldiers in war," she says. The words are soft and almost too quiet but Kiba can hear them all too well.
"Every shinobi who survives always comes back a little deader on the inside."
Kiba's chest clamps up like someone is squeezing and won't let go because she's right. She's right.
(Kiba's never been good at just rolling over and accepting what life throws at him, and this is no exception. Konoha needs change, and Kiba's the only one who's prepared to bring it.)
(Kiba's never been good at just rolling over and accepting what life throws at him, and this is no exception. Konoha needs change, and Kiba's the only one who's prepared to bring it.)
The shinobi stares up at Kiba, a child that can barely be older than one is clutched tightly in her arms and gazing up at him with big, curious eyes.
"Don't you think it's wrong?" she asks, although it's less of a question and more of a statement.
The missing-nin that Kiba's supposed to kill is older than him, age rippling wrinkles around her eyes, much like his own mother. There's three long scars running across her face the innermost one cuts across her left eye that stares unfocused, her eye's gaze just slightly off from where it's supposed to be – blind.
"I left because I was tired. Tired of all the murder and deception and death. Does that really make me a criminal?" She stands up from the crouched position, meeting Kiba's height. Kiba grips the kunai tighter in his hand and feels something deep inside him shiver.
"You don't want to do this," it comes out as a low hiss, hot breath against Kiba's face, but he can't bring himself to move or speak or anything at all because she's right.
"You're just following orders, like the good little murderers we are," she shuffles the child into one arm and reaches over to him slowly.
Kiba sees the hand coming, but as she oh so gently cups his cheek in her hand Kiba can't stop the flinch, that second that he jerks away.
The woman just reaches again, cupping his cheek with the gentleness and patience of someone who's seen this – frazzled shinobi too tired and over it to stop themselves from reacting to such a simple touch – too many times before.
Kiba tries to breathe and struggles to produce anything more than shallow, useless bursts.
She rubs her thumb over his cheek and the saddest smile Kiba's ever seen blooms across her lips as she looks at him. "You have that look in your eyes too," she says. Her eyes are the most vibrant Kiba's ever seen, even if the left is slightly faded from whatever injury she received, and she stares unflinchingly into Kiba's own.
Kiba was ordered to kill her, and yet she stands in front of him, comforting him like he's a little Genin.
"There are no unwounded soldiers in war," she says. The words are soft and almost too quiet but Kiba can hear them all too well.
"Every shinobi who survives always comes back a little deader on the inside."
Kiba's chest clamps up like someone is squeezing and won't let go because she's right. She's right.
Kiba survived the war, but something died inside him in the process. Kiba physically survived, but he's seen too many people die, watched the life leave their eyes and Kiba could do nothing.
Kiba thought they'd all survive the war, but Neji died.
Kiba hasn't felt right since he set foot back into Konoha, like he's detached from his life, watching everyone live theirs while Kiba is left behind.
Shikamaru has been smoking more than ever and that vacant, distant stare he gets worsens with each day like he's staring into something he can't pull himself out of.
Ino is jumping at shadows and loud noises, wired up like she's going to explode.
Sai hasn't even tried to smile since he stepped off the battlefield and Naruto's lost an arm and those easy smiles he used to be able to make so readily.
It's normal Kiba was told when he had asked about what they could do to make it stop. It's normal, don't worry about it.
They're all broken and damaged in the aftermath of the war and stuck in a system that accommodates for none of it. The system is only hurting them more.
She's right.
On some level, Kiba was aware of this, but he didn't want to acknowledge it. He didn't want to think about how the last 18 years of his life have actually been setting him up to fall with no safety net.
It's normal to be broken, is what Kiba was told, but no one should have to live like they're living. No one should have to accept their suffering as normal.
Kiba doesn't notice the tears until Akamaru, pressed against his side, lets out a tiny, worried noise and the woman wipes away the tears, smiling at him softly like he hasn't come to kill her.
The sadness that's wretched so deep inside them both doesn't dissipate with her gentle touch nor with Kiba's tears.
She shuffles the child in her arms again and removes her hand from his cheek, reaching for the kunai that's clenched so tightly in Kiba's hand, he doubts he'll be able to let go.
"You don't have to hurt," she whispers. She gently curls her fingers around his clenched fist. She doesn't try to pull it out of his hands, she just holds it. "You're allowed to be happy."
Akamaru whines again and this time a little louder, noticing Kiba's restless breathing before Kiba even realises it's getting out of hand.
She gazes at him with that look that shakes him to his core. Too much. It's too much and Kiba wants to scream, cry, run, anything.
Kiba opens his mouth to say something, he's not sure what, but all that comes out is a strangled gasp.
She's right.
None of them are happy. None of them are even okay. They're all falling apart and there is no one there to catch them. They're breaking, fraying, and rotting from the inside out. And no one really cares about it.
"What will you do?" she asks. She moves her hand from his cheek to his hair, much like Tsume does occasionally, and keeps her voice light but Kiba feels the weight of the question anyway.
"What will you do as yourself, not as the Hokage's soldier?" she says and more tears are sliding down Kiba's face because all of this is wrong. From the moment he knew he was going to be a shinobi, he'd been taught that the village comes before him, Akamaru, Tsume, Hana, his friends, everyone. The village comes first, and if that means his death then so be it.
The village comes before everything and yet here this woman stands, telling him to put himself first, to consider what he wants to do.
She smiles at him, patiently waiting with a kindness and patience that she shouldn't give to the person who's been ordered to kill her. Kiba breaks a little more.
Akamaru pushes against him and Kiba blearily realises that he's the only thing that's really keeping him upright as Akamaru presses his nose into Kiba's other empty, shaking hand.
The tears don't stop, and his throat burns and his head pounds and all of this is so, so wrong because it's against what he's always learnt. But it's true. It's true and Kiba tired of hurting, tired of the village. He wants to be happy, but as a shinobi, apparently, that is too much to ask.
Kiba finally looks at her, an exhausted haze eats at the edges of his world and everything feels distant and detached. Far away and yet so close, fake and yet very real.
"It is your choice," she says, and this time she pulls back, letting go of Kiba's hand and lifting up her head, leaving her neck vulnerable.
He has the option to complete the mission, to kill her and her child, and the thought alone makes Kiba lose every ounce of composure he's managed to scrape together and it takes several deep breaths before Kiba can face the world again.
"Go," Kiba forces out and his voice cracks halfway through, his throat closes up again and his eyes burn. "I'll lie. Mission success. Just… leave," Kiba's already mounting Akamaru and ignores his more than obvious worry for him.
She nods, taking a careful step backwards. "Look after yourself," she says before she runs off further into the forest.
Kiba takes a shuddering, painful breath and hopes he never sees her again.
Getting Kakashi's permission to leave was surprisingly easy, but also entirely unsurprising at the same time.
Kakashi has never looked more exhausted than he does in the seat he never wanted and the power he's always refused.
When Kiba had asked him, Kakashi had stared at him for a long moment, looking old and tired in a way that Kiba had learned was supposed to be normal. But constant exhaustion isn't normal. It's not okay.
Kakashi had agreed, scribbled something down and stopped him before he could leave the room.
"Be careful," Kakashi had said and dismissed him before Kiba could ask what Kakashi thought he was doing.
Tsume wasn't surprised either. She'd sighed, downed the last of her water and given Akamaru a pat.
"Come visit me. Even if you don't want to come back here, we can meet wherever you want," she hugged him then, unusually gentle, but Tsume has always had a knack for knowing more than she should, and Kiba suspects she knows exactly what Kiba wants to do.
"Look after him," she said, leaning down to Akamaru and rubbing her hands through his fur. She looked up "and you, pup, watch your back," she pressed their foreheads together. Kiba had left, Akamaru by his side, and had wondered when he'd be back.
Kiba passes through Konoha's gates, waves to the two shinobi at the gates and doesn't look back.
Kiba's never been a great friend of Sasuke's, never even liked him very much, but Kiba finally understands why Sasuke wanted to destroy the village and how staying in Konoha would be the worst thing for him. Sasuke is the only one who'll understand Kiba's goals and he needs to do something to fix the system, and it's pretty clear he can't start in Konoha.
Kiba keeps walking and refuses to look back. He's going to help, even if the only person he ends up helping is himself.
First fic of 2018!
This is for Kountoall (on ao3) for the Holiday Exchange! (I saw you liked naruto and angst and it kind of went from there... I don't know if you even like Kiba, but I hope you like it anyway!)
Also a thank you to Leo who sent me the fic title and thus spawned this idea!
I'll check this over later for any errors but I just really want to post this!