Best New Year's Resolution Ever
Summary: Candy New Year's One shot! The South Park kids are playing a game in witch you write down your resolution on a piece of paper and then someone else reads it aloud. What is Eric's Resolution? Takes place when they are in 7th grade.
Narrated by Eric Cartman
Rated T for swears
Pairing: Candy
Hey everyone! please read, review and favorite if you like it! Enjoy! Happy New Year's 2011!
Love, Alvinroxz
XXX
"Well Cartman? Are you going to wait until next year or something?" Kyle Brofslovski raised his eyebrows and held out his palm, impatient.
"I haven't written anything yet." I admitted as I stared at the blank piece of paper in my hand.
"You can't think of one New Year's Resolution?"
Lie. I could think of one of the top of my head. I just didn't want to write it down.
It was New Year's Eve, and me, Kyle (filthy jew!), Stan, Wendy, Bebe, Kenny, Butters, Token (that black asshole!), Craig and Clyde were all sitting in a circle on the floor of Butter's room, playing this faggy game that of course Kyle made up. Basically the game was you had to write your resolution on a slip of paper an anonymously crumple it up and throw it in a hat. Then someone else draw it and sees if it's the right resolution for them. I swear, only lame jews like Kyle could come up with this gay shit.
"Cartman!" Kyle crossed his arms. He's such a little bitch. "We haven't got all year!"
God, i'd wish he'd stop with the fucking New Years cracks. Their pretty lame.
"Hahaha, Kahl. Your so funny!" I spat bitterly.
I looked back down on the paper. This was the day. It was then end of a long year, and I needed to write my honest Resolution.
So I scribbled down the words that might ruin my year before it started.
My Resolution is to hold hands with Wendy.
That's it. That all I want. It wasn't even a resolution, but who gives a fuck? It's just something I want to happen.
I wasn't asking for a miracle or anything, no, no, no Eric Cartman never gets his hopes up; too many times have I been let down. Just some hand action. It was stupid, but that was it.
I deliberately gave Kyle the paper, all crumpled up and shit. He rolled his eyes and places my possible death sentence in the hat. Then he mixes it all up.
I sneak a glance at Wendy. She's blabbing on about the earth or whatever to Bebe "Slutty" Stevens. I look down at my feet. I had gotten my glance for the day. If I look at her again, she will suspect something. She's a smart ho.
But…I can't help it. From behind my long, thick side bangs, I steal another look. She notices and looks back at me, sticking out her tongue.
"Why are you looking at me ho?" I say confidently. "You like me, eh?"
"You wish!" She yells, but a pink blush creeps across her porcelain face. She's so adorable, I think.
I laugh sarcastically, shake my head, and pretend that i'm above her childish behavior.
But i'm not.
Kyle draws the 1st slip of paper. My hearts start racing.
"My New Years Resolution is to become a better bass player." Kyle reads aloud. Then he wrinkles his nose and tosses the paper back into the hat.
"I don't think that ones for me." He determines. From the corner of my eye, I smirk at Token. I got him hooked on bass 4 years ago when we were in Faith + 1. He owes me.
Stan draws the next slip. My stomach does a backflip and my legs turn to jelly. When will mine be drawn? What will she say?
"My Resolution is to flip of people more often." Stan chuckles and places the resolution back into the hat.
"Craig!" I cough under my breath. Everyone stares at me, then Craig.
"Fuck you guys. I would never write that."
Stan passes the basket to Butters.
"My Resolution is to lose weight…Jeez Eric! Why would you write such a thing!" Butters looks at me, concerned.
I gasp. " AY! I did NOT write that, Butters you black asshole!"
Butters frowns at me. What a dip-shit!
"I think your perfect the way you are!" He says.
Fucking are! Laughs draw from the group. I can feel my face heat up, because Wendy was watching me be ridiculed. She won't think i'm a badass after this!
I violently blame Kyle for writing that and setting me up. He screams at me. Once everything settles down, I gaze at Wendy.
She's laughing the hardest.
"It's not funny, ho!" I snap.
She continues in fits of giggles.
Next to draw is Token. He might draw me. My fingers began to tremble. With every paper drawn that's not mine, the chance increases for mine to be drawn. My palms began to sweat, but I try and hid my anxiety.
"My Resolution is to save the planet!"
I snort. What a dumb hippie! Either Stan or Wendy would write that shit. I peek at my girl. She's still gigging uncontrollably.
Even when she's laughing at me, she's still beautiful.
Next to draw is myself. i'm praying to get my own slip, so i can make up a different one. I'm really regretting the stuff I wrote. I'm really, REALLY regretting writing down my real thoughts.
Goddamit, Eric! Why are you such a romantic?
I draw consciously from the hat, and read the slip before reading aloud.
Goddamit!
"My Resolution is to donate all of my money to the homeless children in Africa. Love, Butters."
"Your not supposed to put your name in it, fucker!" I accuse Butters.
"O-Oh Hamburgers!" Butters starts to fiddle his thumbs, knowing he messed up the entire game.
"Don't call Butters a fucker, asswipe!" Kenny defends the little fucker.
"Shut up Kenneh! I do what I want!" I yell and throw some cheesy poofs at him.
"Guys! we're digressing!" Stan tries to calm us down.
After another dispute, a couple more people draw. It's pretty obvious which person wrote which.
But with every draw, I hold my breath. I know that someone will have to read mine eventually.
The last to draw, of course, is Wendy.
And the last slip of paper in the hat is mine.
It's fate. Destiny. My heart pounds so loud that I can hear it. What will she say? What will she do?
Oh god. Oh god, I can't watch. I look down at my hands, which were shaking like I had Parkinson's Disease.
She draws the slip, and it's in slow motion. She unravels it, and it seems like it takes hours. My breathes became jagged as she reads it to herself first.
She reads it to herself first, and her expression softens. A warm smile spreads across her face.
"What does it say?" Bebe tugs on Wendy's sleeve.
"My Resolution is to hold hands with Wendy."
Then her eyes lift, and she looks directly at ME. I know she's waiting for my presumably obnoxious reaction.
I cover up my tracks.
"Hahaha! What a stupid asshole!" I laugh and pretend to cry from laughing hard. Over the years, I had become an excellent actor.
Murmurs draw from the audience.
"Is that even a resolution?" Kyle wonders.
"What a pussy!" Craig laughs in his monotone voice. FUCK YOU CRAIG!
"Yeah, a total pussy!" Clyde echos. FUCK YOU BITCH!
"Well, I think it's very sweet." Butters comments. SHUT UP BUTTERS! NO ONE LIKES YOU!
"It's adorable!" Wendy smiles at Butters, then frowns at me, Clyde and Craig. Especially me. She gives me the death stare.
Then she does the funniest thing.
"Stan." She turns to her ex boyfriend. "If you want to hold hands with me, then why didn't you say so!"
I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Oh thank you Jesus...
"WHAT! THAT'S NOT ME!" Stan looks offended.
"Are you still alright with the break up?" Wendy whispers loudly, and places her hand over her heart.
"Yes!" Stan whines and his face turns tomato red. "Christ, Wendy!"
"I'm just saying." Wendy replies.
Kyle peers into the hat. "Well, that's all of them."
"Good. That game sucked, as expected." I stand up and waddle away to the mini fridge in Butter's room, and scavenge for something to drink. Thank god that shits over.
"But then who wants to hold hands with me!" Wendy fusses.
"No one. It was a fake, obviously." I comment as I walk back to the circle.
I can feel her evil eye on me as I take a seat.
"You know, Eric," She starts calmly, "Maybe you should try to be more like the person who wrote this!" She leans over and dangles the paper in my face.
I cackle bitterly at the irony.
Stan turns on the TV to the countdown to New Years. Only five minutes left. I decide to go to the bathroom to think in peace.
"I gotta pee." I announce to the entire group.
"Great." Kyle says.
I saunter of down the hallway, last door on the right. But before I walk out, I scratch my balls for the displeasure of Kyle and the others.
"Do you have NO self-respect?" Kyle yells after me.
In the bathroom, once the door is shut and locked, I slid down the back of the door. That was an incredibly close call.
Never do that again! I warn myself.
Then I looked in the mirror. What had Wendy laughed so hard at Butter's ignorant comment? That really pissed me off!
I wasn't fat! The fuck!
I splashed cold water on my face, glad the year was over.
Then I began to reflect.
Every year since kindergarten, KINDERGARDEN, I've wished to be with Wendy. But every year, it never happens.
..Except that one time when she kissed me last year- now almost 5 years ago. Oh, what I would do for that to happen again…
Suddenly, for some odd reason, tears brimmed my eyes. What the fuck? I wasn't even sad or nothing.
But instead of wiping them away, I watched them fall down my cheeks, of my chin.,, on my clothes. I stood there and watched my eyes become light blue orbs in pools of milk.
Wendy…I've waited so long.
Not this year, not next year…never…
No, instead she gets with Token and Stan and Gregory. Never Cartman. No, only once. Only a kiss she forgot about.
It just wasn't fair.
I wiped away the tears. I just wanted this year to be over. I just wanted to go home. I splashed more water on my face, completely soaking my bangs. Whatever. I grasped the door knob and slowly pulled it open. But as soon as I opened the door, I was flung into a corner by a unusually powerful Wendy Testaburger. Had she been here the whole time? Had she WATCHED ME CRY?
"It was you!" Wendy cried, as she backed me into the corner.
"Wha-" I racked my brain for things that might have given me away, and thought up a lie- quick.
"You want to hold hands with me!" She looked into my eyes. "I knew it was you! And-…Hey are you alright?"
"I would never! And i'm fan!"
"Don't deny it! And have you been…crying?" Her voice dropped low.
"NO! I'm-" My heart was racing. How could this be? What clues had I dropped?
"Bebe put the weight loss one in. And I knew it was you because of your sloppy handwriting."
"What? Oh goddamit!" I swore. I looked away from Wendy. I had three options. 1. Run away. No, Wendy was incredibly strong and I couldn't budge. Okay, Okay! Option 2! Option 2! Shoot Wendy! Shit I left my gun in my bag in Butters room! Shit! From Butter's room, I could hear the countdown.
"10! 9! 8! 7!"
Wendy drew in closer. "Cartman?"
I shut my eyes tight. Option 3, use the force to levitate the gun, bring it to me, and shoot Wendy and all witnesses. But the force doesn't exist!
I moaned. Here it comes- A entire New Year, filled with ridicule and embarrassment. Everyone will know. I'll never get over this. I'll never get over this.
"Cartman?"
I opened my eyes. "Wendy…don't feel obligated…" I began to choke up with sobs. "Don't feel obLIgate-ed…" Great. Now I sounded like Butters. "You don't have to feel bad for me, your not obligated to-"
Fuck…Fuck! Get ahold of yourself!
"Cartman? I want to hold hands with you too." I opened my eyes and gasped as she took ahold of both my hands.
"6! 5!"
"I'm sorry for not telling you before. I was scared…I wasn't sure if you like me or not.."
"Of course I like you…" I croaked. I felt like all my walls and defenses were being teared down at once.
"4! 3!"
And then she leaned forward and kissed me.
I felt a shock fun threw my body, refreshing the last time she had kissed me so long ago. I quickly kissed her back, and tried my hardest not to fuck it up this time.
She forced my mouth open, and her tongue crept into my mouth.
"2! 1!"
It was the greatest kiss ever. It was now the greatest year ever.
"Happy New Years!" Everyone shouted from Butter's room.
Wendy let go of my hands to wrap her arms around my neck. I wrapped my own around her waist and held my girl tight.
Then our lips parted, and time began again.
I gawked at her, feeling at least 10 different emotions at once.
"Happy New Year's, Eric." She whispered.
"Happy New Years, ho." I manage to choke out.
Then she kisses me again, and I was soaring.
One thing was for sure- I had never been so thankful for Kyle's shitty New Year's games.