"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry..
You don't know how lovely you are."

"Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions.
Oh, let's go back to the start."

"Nobody said it was easy...
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh, take me back to the start."

-the Scientist, Coldplay

He stood for a while following Mike's departure through the gates, pondering. Harvey was too numb to delve into any deep philosophy. The essence of guilt weighed down his body and was still his everbearing thought. It shouldn't be Mike entering Danbury prison. He couldn't allow the kid to fall on the sword. All Harvey could think of is that it should have been him. After all, he was the one who was the qualified lawyer and was well aware of the consequences from the choice he made 5 years ago to hire Mike.

Of course, never in a million years would he have wanted it to end up like this. He was leant back on the car clutching his chest. It hurt also but more with a feeling of sadness and helplessness. What had been done, could not be undone. Mike had made sure of that. Damn the kid and the loyalty that Harvey had drilled into him.

Harvey was in full thought, they were raging through his mind like a wildfire. He was assessing every possible outcome, wondering how many things he could have done differently. Harvey Specter did not lose. It wasn't a word in his vocabulary. He felt the rage now, he was still angry at Mike despite their outburst the other night. The younger mans sheer determination and righteousness is what had put them all in this situation. As much as Harvey admired Mike's ability to take the full brunt, he still couldn't bear that this was all down to him anyway. Mike wasn't fit for prison. He was the better build, the wiser talker. He would never forgive himself if something happened to Mike in there.

He realised he would have to watch as everyone else's lives got hurt and destroyed by his stupid decision. What hurt the most is that there was no way for Harvey Specter to win this war. He couldn't even take all the pain away and bear it himself. Harvey would give up all the wins he had succeeded with in his past in order to have beaten this one. In order for Mike to still be a free man.

He kept thinking about how this could have been avoided. If Mike had kept faith that they could succeed and waited for the jury's verdict, they'd be in the clear. Their futures would be so much different by now, optimistic and bright. Mike would be allowed to practice law indefinitely without fear of being found out. He'd get the success that he so thoroughly deserved. But now, he was locked up, with very little prospect of a bright and optimistic future. And Harvey couldn't bear it.

He'd almost made peace with the kids decision, knew that it was what was supposed to happen. But Mike was gone now and Harvey just felt a deep loneliness in his heart. It all suddenly felt real now that Mike had officially entered the prison. He almost hoped that he would wake up and these last few weeks would all be one of his horrible nightmares that had become all too frequent as off late.

He would never forgive himself for this, never be able to bare the thought of Mike being hit by the bus whilst he stood and observed. His own arrogance and determination had meant that he hadn't taken the deal. There was an easy way for Mike and Rachel to get out of this without any harm and live normal lives and Harvey wished beyond anything that he could go back and take the deal. Give Gibbs what she really wanted: him.

But he had seen the look on Mike's face over the past few weeks. Pure guilt and anguish. He had been defeated before they'd even started. Harvey remembered the moment weeks ago when Mike had first been arrested. It seemed like an eternity ago. Gibbs had kept him under close scrutiny and had done well to rile the usually quite cool kid. Mike had almost lost it in that small interrogation room screaming that he had done this. Harvey knew that he felt he deserved some form of punishment. He was so wrong though. If Mike deserved two years, Harvey deserved 10. And 2 years was a relatively small price to pay.

But it still bugged Harvey that they had got anything at all. Mike's 'crime' was only doing good for society. He was a better lawyer than most and had a true passion and understanding for the job. Harvey was a lawyer for all the wrong reasons. It was his escape from childhood. He didn't always believe in the system. Over the years, he'd watched as innocent people had been punished and guilty people had been let loose. Harvey thought of all those people Mike had helped out over the last 5 years. One of those people had been himself. Mike had changed Harvey for the better and he couldn't bare the thought that now he was serving a jail sentence for that.

The pain was way worse than any of the girls who had left him. Other than her of course. Nothing could destroy him like Donna's betrayal a year ago. He still was struggling to cope with the thought that she would leave him for Louis. But that had all been his own fault. His inability to convey emotions and the feeling of absolute terror that if he had begun to fully embrace his love of Donna, he would surely mess it up and her departure would destroy him. But ironically, this is what had led to her departure and him being destroyed. If anything good came out of this, it was that his and Donna's relationship was better than ever. But just as Harvey was beginning to pick himself back up personally, his whole world had been destroyed again.

It could have been hours that he was stood there, wrestling with his own thoughts. The wind blowing through his hair as he stalled, not wanting to go back and face life. Wanting to wake up in a sweat, and be relieved that this was all a nightmare. But then reality hit hard as Harvey felt his phone buzz. Of course it was her.

'I know what you're up to but we need you back here ASAP. x'

He took one last look at the gates that Mike had entered, wishing beyond anything that he would walk back out with a smug grin on his face. Whether he'd say that it was all a joke or that his brilliant mind had found a way around the deal, Harvey didn't care. He couldn't be Butch without his Sundance. It wouldn't be the same without Mike around. Without his genius ways and caring attitude. But the reality was that Mike was long gone, had probably already been processed and assigned a cell.

Harvey turned and observed Ray's concerned expression. He'd always been the strong person, the one everyone turned to with their problems because they had faith that he would fix them. No matter how bad the situation, he found a way out of anything. But Ray was looking at him now and instead of being in awe of the great and powerful Harvey Specter, he was looking down at him with a pitying expression and suddenly Harvey couldn't bare it. He needed to get his shit together.

So, after one last look back, he took a deep breath of air and composed himself with a determined expression. It was time to find out what was so important and sort everything else out. Then he'd figure out a way of getting Mike back.

He was calm and collected as he watched the trees soaring past the windows on the car journey back home. A more determined mood set had broken through his momentary breakdown at the prison. He wanted to do something, to be productive rather than moping around over something that he couldn't change.

But, as life had come to prove to him lately, he shouldn't come attached to these positive thoughts. Shortly into the drive, he received a phone call from Jessica describing what had happened at the firm. The sky was beginning to darken as they pulled back into the vibrant city, along with his dwindling thoughts. And Harvey was left dumbfounded by what he had been told. How could they all leave? Pearson Specter Litt had had setbacks over the years but nothing quite like this. Of course, he had expected something along these lines. Knew that his guilt was not nearly punishing enough yet. That his world hadn't been destroyed enough yet for him to accept his own punishment.

In a way he relished the thought of a deep challenge. And he made no mistake in thinking that this was a challenge, like none they had ever faced before. But as a family, with Jessica, Louis, Donna, Rachel if she still accepted them and hopefully in some way Mike, they could sort this. Right?

What was mostly affecting him right now was that undeniable feeling in the pit of his stomach, growing like an unstoppable snowball. He hoped that it was just an unsettled feeling from the rather devastating day but his negative mindset latched onto the dread. Who was he kidding? He knew what was coming.

Jessica had explained that her and Louis were going to get more information, to approach other companies like Zane's in order to figure out just how bad the mess was. They had said to meet back at the office. Donna was there holding the fort.

His brain focused on that dread even though he pleaded with it not to. Now was not the time. But still he procrastinated, his thoughts focusing on it, swirling it around till it grew bigger and with every passing moment, his panic also grew. It escalated quicker than anything, beyond describable words. Harvey barely succeeded at getting out of the car and somehow managed to keep his face straight as he told Ray to go home for the night.

The street is busy, with people crowding his already blurring vision. The noise is unbearable, his hearing also a mess. He tries to focus on one sound but instead is filled with the ever growing clatter of crowds of people as he pushes his way into the strangely quiet skyscraper. The panic ensues more with the silence which almost suffocates him.

As he stumbles into an elevator and clicks for the 50th floor, Harvey can feel his heart beating harder and faster as the adrenaline starts coursing through his body. He worries that his heart had come alive with the palpitations about to destroy his body. He loosens his tie and the sweat is already soaking through, escaping his skin in pints. The negative thoughts start playing with his mind, creating visions of him collapsing, crying, out of control on the floor. Not so much hallucinations but strong visions that he can't escape, no matter how much he shakes his head. His skin felt thick and was burning up, like there was a layer of burning cling film all over his body. He had never felt claustrophobic but suddenly the lift felt like it was closing in all around him. There was no escape from this now.

He was pleading with his legs to keep carrying him as he stumbled out of the elevator into the deserted corridors. Never had it been so dark and quiet. He started towards his office but then recoiled as his brain countered this and instead he headed in the direction of the bullpen but why couldn't he go to his office? So he stumbled back over to his office, his brain no longer rational, blinded by the terror. The arguments inside him heated up as half of his thoughts fought with each other. He can feel his brain begin to shut down other parts of his body, and it's the queasy feeling in his stomach that ultimately causes him to head towards the bathrooms.

He feels an overwhelming hope that the ground will swallow him up. Not that it will kill him but almost as if Harvey had never existed in the first place. His Mum and late Father could still be together. Marcus wouldn't hate him for his decision to break up the family. Clifford Danner wouldn't have lost so many years of his too short life. Donna would be able to be free and happy. Mike. Mike wouldn't be imprisoned right now. His own sorry state wouldn't be a burden to anyone else.

The arguments in his head are so fast and disturbing now that his brain starts to shut down other parts of the body. His breathing is so fast and the hyperventilation begins as he struggles to make it to the stools in time. He crashes into one of the cubicles as his legs finally give way and he has to crawl the last metre to the toilet. As soon as he reaches the stool, and empties the contents of his stomach, his temperature begins to cool but his heart is still pounding.

He flinches as someone touches his arm and can vaguely hear her speak but hides behind his hands, trying to stop her from seeing the mess he is in. The shame is replaced by relief at the thought that he is no longer alone. That he can begin to relax. She places a cloth on his face and there is overwhelming relief from the cooling sensation, his skin beginning to unwind from the tight posture. And he relaxes in her embrace, finding comfort in the sweet and refreshing smell of her perfume. Burrowing his face in her shoulder, Harvey relaxes in the darkness, relishing in the feeling of his heart beginning to slow, in his ability to take back control of his own body.

He feels the water around his eyelids and is ashamed by his weakness. His irrational thoughts had been too overwhelming and his futile efforts to fight it had only led to him feeling more exhausted.

They stand there, reunited in each other's comfort, like a shield she protects him from the evil outside world. She goes to remove herself but he clings to her, allowing himself this one moment of weakness. Knowing that she would never judge him. They'd been through everything together, a rollercoaster of emotions over the past 12 years. And suddenly he realised how blind he had been, how stupid he was to not have allowed her to break his walls down sooner.

They finally disconnected and Harvey took off his jacket and sprayed some water over his face. She guided him back through the corridors and he looked round in disbelief, wondering how all these people could give up so easily. And then, they are in his office, the place that has become more of a home to him than his own condo. He remembers all the sleepless night spent here working away into the darkness and this is eventually what calms and comforts him.

Donna deposits him on the sofa and pours a glass of water which he downs in one, cleansing all the panic from his inside. He sits there for a moment steadying his breathing and points towards the scotch, in need of something stronger. She raises her eyebrows, always the more sensible one but they have no energy left for arguments so eventually she sits beside him. Two glasses are in her hand, both with a generous amount and she hands one to him, a concerned look still covering her face.

They sit there in silence for a moment, but it was a comfortable silence, both no longer thinking but just sitting there, taking the occasional gulp of drink. They hadn't had much time over the past few weeks to have this relaxing moment of peace. It had all been too hectic.

"Thank you." Harvey broke the silence, his voice still gruff with emotion and dehydration. He was sat with his tie lose, his suit jacket still somewhere back in the bathroom and with one foot up on the other knee. His hand was tightly gripped around the drink as if he was trying to grip hold of something to keep himself above the surface. Donna noticed that his relaxed formation was not relative of his body which was still tense and agitated. He had the shirt sleeves pulled up to the elbows and she observed as his muscles twitched. She'd never seen Harvey so worked up.

He still hadn't met her eyes, his dark brown depths staring straight ahead into oblivion. She could always tell his emotions from his eyes, despite his best poker face. She had been so worried about him as she had observed his stumble up the offices and into the bathrooms and had been seconds away from calling an ambulance. He had been so disoriented, mumbling incoherently and screaming out for her. She was beyond grateful that she had been there and able to help him. Also, that no one else had been around. Harvey would never live it down.

When she had first heard about Harvey's panic attacks and therapy sessions, she had been visibly shocked. Harvey, who had always shut himself off from emotion, was the complete opposite of the sort of person you'd expect to experience these. He put on a hard front but Donna had seen the soft side of him more than anyone. It wasn't so much of a surprise that the man who bore everyone else's distress on top of his own fair share would eventually crash. She loved Harvey in more ways than one but she truly admired his ability to help out anyone who deserved it without any thought of how it would affect himself. She knew it would all catch him up at one point.

"Are you ok?" She knew it was a terrible question but he nodded firmly in response, his jaw tight and she saw the shame sweep across his face. She smiled sympathetically but he didn't see her, his eyes still glazed over.

"How was it with Mike?"

He met her eyes now and she could see the deep grief and regret pouring out of them. She wished she had never mentioned it and was afraid that he would collapse on her. He looked as helpless as an abandoned puppy and she had an urge to pull him into a hug again. But instead she put her hand on his. He'd always responded more to physical contact. They were looking directly at each other, pulled together by the setup of the table and she could see new threat lines on his forehead. Harvey had almost aged in the past few weeks but he still looked just as handsome as ever. Even after the panic attack, his hair was still stuck up in a fluffy but straight line. She had an urge to run her hands through it. She always had an urge to run her hands through his hair and do a lot more. He looked around calmly.

"Donna.. What have I done?"

Her heart and her throat began to close up as his voice broke on the last word. He looked absolutely devastated. She was pushed back to the night a couple of days prior when Harvey had turned up at her apartment, wanting to give himself up. He had described then his own guilt and regret. It would forever be engraved in her mind when he had said that it was all 'his goddamn fault" and then almost burst into tears in front of her. She had complete faith then that Harvey's magnificent ability to twist any story and Mike's lovable and honest nature had won over the jury and that they were all in the clear. She hadn't been able to allow Harvey to take the fall then and she wouldn't let him do it now.

"Harvey. You need to accept this and move on now. I've already told you that you shouldn't be baring this all yourself. All of us played a part and now we have to deal with the consequences together."

"But Mike. He's all on his own.."

"Mike will be fine. He's a lot tougher than you think and in some ways, he'll love prison life. Think about how many books he can memorise in that library. He'll be out in 18 months on good behaviour and you know it." Donna was trying to keep her tone optimistic but Harvey was still looking at her helplessly.

"Harvey, Mike chose his decision and he wouldn't want you to be out here moping about it. He left you out here to sort out this other shit we're in."

He neither acknowledged or responded to what she had said.

"How's Rachel?" That caught Donna of guard. She looked at him and stuttered for a moment.

"She's obviously shaken up, gone home with her parents to calm down but she'll come around."

He looked away now, the self loathing still evident and made a move to stand up.

"I have to go see her."

But Donna couldn't leave him like this. She couldn't bear the thought of him continuing to beat himself up. Harvey had always been so carefree, a source of humour at times like these, when everyone else was down in the dumps. Harvey never admitted defeat and she needed to get that spark back.

He was still blabbering on now about how he couldn't live with himself leaving Rachel alone at a time like this and on impulse she grabbed his tie and pulled him into a kiss. It was the only way to get him to shut up.

At first he fought her, not allowing himself to respond in anyway and Donna's shock at what she had done meant that she was only lacklusterly into it. He gently pushed her away and they both looked at each other only briefly separated in absolute horror.

"Are we really doing this now?" Harvey basically screamed at her but she could see the desire in his eyes, his spark returning.

"Harvey. I love you and you love me. I'll say it for you. And I need to show you right now that you are loved seeing as you have no love for yourself."

He looked at her his head tilted to one side, struggling to comprehend what she had said.

"How long are we going to wait whilst everything else falls down around us? Aren't we allowed a small moment of happiness in this ever growing world of sadness?" Donna was pleading with him now with the knowledge that he wanted this.

There was a split second of hesitation in which Donna almost turned around and walked away, never coming back. She needed him right now as much as he needed himself. After all, she was the one who had created the doubt over the trial with her testimony. I'd like to assert my 5th amendment right. How stupid could she have been?

But suddenly their mouths crashed together in an explosion of passion. They kissed with a desperation of 12 years of pent up frustration and a thought that if one of them stopped they'd realise what they were doing.

Harvey picked her up, tired of leaning over. Donna's black skirt was tight and he had no problem moving it up her calves so she could wrap her legs around him. They were still exploring each other's mouths with their tongues, their arms entwined in each other's bodies and hair. Donna gasped, using her new position as an advantage, grinding against Harvey, feeling how hard he was for her, her hands up under his shirt.

She always looked so cool and collected but was now tugging at Harvey's shirt, fumbling one handed with the buttons whilst her other hand ran through his luscious hair. She was doing something with her tongue that was driving him insane and making his eyes cross.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Harvey knew that it wasn't long until Jessica and Louis would be back and that this was wrong on too many levels. But he really didn't care. The thought was forced out of his mind when she pushed away from him and he placed her down uncertainly on unsteady feet but gasped in relief when he realised that all she wanted was to take off her high heeled shoes. They took a moment, looking at each other, still uncertain of the others commitment to this but finally gave in and reunited.

She finally released his shirt and Harvey got to work on the ties on the shoulders of her silky top as she ran her tongue across his broad chest. They couldn't do it fast enough, filled with ultimate desire to get the job done after all these years. Harvey had seen many girls naked but had never looked at any of them with the love that he now looked at Donna. Every part of her was perfect to him. And every idea that he should be the good guy and do the right thing by stopping this went out of the window.

She had a body made to make men stupid and Harvey was not immune. He'd had much practice at sex but was getting horribly distracted and had never fumbled so much. She just smiled at him, in between kisses. Harvey reached to pull the straps off of her fancy bra and Donna pressed closer to him, making short work of the zipper on his pants. Her lips fluttered over the pulse pounding rapidly near his throat as her hands trailed lightly over his chest and abs that were tense with desire.

"Stop thinking so hard," her voice broke through his haze, husky and cloudy with desire and Harvey sealed his mouth back over hers, taking back control. Finally, they were both undressed not in anyway sheltered with the stunning New York skyline as their backdrop. Harvey pulled her on top of him as the fell onto the leather sofa together, crashing around his office in the process. Her hands had found what they were looking for and he struggled to keep his composure. Donna was still beaming. Her eyes appreciative of his naked form.

He bought his arms firmly around her waist clutching her tightly to him, letting her know that she was his and always had been. His lips parted and their tongues brushed together once more, filling the room with gasps. Their lips were moving together with ferocity and Donna's fingers were again locked in his thick hair as they moved together. It was quiet and their breathing was amplified in the dark stillness of the deserted offices. She traced Harvey's sculpted chest again, allowing him to decide the time to move forward. But they were both enjoying this angst far too much.

Donna shivered as they both groaned when she reached the V at the bottom of his chest looking at each other with need, an intense, burning need. Harvey's eyes raked her body with such desire as he teased her nipples, fighting the urge to be inside her for as long as possible. And then it broke.

He quickly adjusted himself and pushed into Donna before she could process what happened and in between the pleasure he chuckled. Donna was delighted with the smile now plastered across his face.

"Did I just catch Donna off guard?"

She buried her head in his neck and they both paused to catch breath before impatience took hold of Donna and much to Harvey's surprise, she raised her hips and pulled him back into her. His hot breath across her skin was igniting an old fire inside her that only he had ever been able to nurse.

And then they found their rhythm, he plunged harder and deeper into the red head, with a rough intensity but also an inexplicable sweetness at the same time. Donna eagerly met him with each thrust and their bodies fit together like two halves of a friendship necklace. Neither of them cared about prolonging anymore because it was clear that they both wanted each other and needed to satisfy the ache building with each passing second.

They both lost control of what little control they had left together, and couldn't hold back the sounds their bodies were demanding to make. Her fingers raked down his back much harder than she was expecting and the wetness of blood just added to the moment.

They lied there together, having rolled off the sofa and onto the floor. Donna began shiver and they met eyes uncertainly. She wasn't sure how he would react to this now that it was over. Neither of them had the excuse of being drunk this time. But all her doubts surpassed when Harvey cuddled up to her and smiled. A smile that stretched right across his face.

They kissed briefly, this time slower but with even more feeling behind it. He paused and pulled back, his breath shallow and fast. He now looked at Donna, suddenly looking very nervous himself. And she had never seen that look pass across his face. It was mixed with fear and she pulled him tighter to her but at the same time gave him the space he needed to say what he was about to say.

"I'm in love with you," he whispered, searching her eyes for a response. He looked very pale and almost scared but the expression spread across his face was more hopeful. Donna's eyes started to tear up and he bought a hand up to stroke her cheek and kissed her again, tenderly and sweetly as if he was afraid of breaking her.

And then he broke apart from her suddenly and started grabbing the clothing spread around the floor. When he turned around he was still smiling but with a look of pure determination on his face.

"It's time to kick some ass." He winked at her.

And with that he threw her clothes on top of her and headed out in the direction of the bathrooms presumably to get changed himself. Strolling along naked and almost, just almost carefree.