Disclaimer: Harry Potter © J. K. Rowling, and is used without permission. Portions of the concept © Davey Wreden.
Author's Note: The title has a good reason for itself. This is intended partially as a deconstructive parody of a certain genre of story. If you can't figure it out from the title and the copyright, You might need to brush up on your obscure, but fun, bits of pop culture.
Dedicated To Stanley
Harry had won. He'd managed to defeat Voldemort at the eleventh hour...
Harry found himself becoming a disembodied entity, watching as what looked like his parents walked into Platform Nine And Three Quarters, puzzled by the fact they had several children with them. When they met with Draco Malfoy, he became even more confused, then the man came to meeting Ron and Hermione, and he saw the faded scar. That wasn't his father, that was meant to be him, and the woman was Ginny?!
'With Voldemort gone, Harry could now help make a different within the wizarding world...' A cultured voice declared.
"Excuse me, but HOW?!" Harry exclaimed, the scene freezing as he moved to 'stand' next to Draco Malfoy, "First, What the hell is going on here? This guy helped kill Dumbledore! His father was the financier and right hand man of Voldemort!"
"The Malfoys defected from Voldemort's side before the second Wizarding War, and were pardoned of their acts under the vile man..." The voice stated, "You don't trust him, but he clearly was on the road to repentance for his teenage years..."
"So, they pretty much bought themselves another few decades out of Azkaban by claiming a different form of defence..." Harry declared, rubbing his temples, "And what's going on with these relationships? Ron and Hermione?! They can't stand each other! I pegged him for Lavender Brown… and I barely talked to Ginny, never mind planned kids. She did, but we don't go into that. I thought it was my parents at first!"
"You fell in love with Ginny Weasley in your sixth year, and after the end of the war..." The voice began, Harry glaring.
"A girl who, first year I met her, was a giggling wreck… Was probably worse after her first year at Hogwarts, not that I ever met her… Yes, she was interesting in the later years, but it felt like a completely different person… Wonder if she ever got a mind healer..." Harry mused as the supposed epilogue continued, Harry blinking owlishly as he listened carefully to what people were saying.
As Ron joked about tricking a 'muggle' to pass his driving test, Harry facepalmed. This was not a victory for the common wizard or even magical Britain. It was a victory for the Purebloods. The major players in the rise of Voldemort got away by leaving his side before they could be considered his followers, while they continued to treat muggles like a fun lark to play tricks on.
'Congratulations! You have achieved the Ending 'One Big Happy Weasley Family'! Thanks to your sterling efforts, the downtrodden Weasley Family will be at the forefront of a new magical world, helping shape things to come. You even helped your best mate score Hermione, what a trooper!' The voice finally announced as the vision ended, before noticing Harry's scowl, "What's wrong with that ending?"
"How the hell is that a 'good' ending? Where's the reforms? Where's the helping of muggleborns and halfbloods to avoid the kind of crap that decimated the wizarding world worse than ever, due to people like Umbridge?" Harry declared, "No, I didn't do anything as great as that. Instead, my big shining achievement is that I gave Dumbledore's good friends a nice big injection of capital, improved their standing and gave a guy who was only my best mate since I had no other friends for years someone to be bigoted about..."
"Now see here. You weren't meant to 'help the muggleborns' or 'reform the wizarding world'… Leave that to the older generation, they know what they're doing… All you were meant to do was accept Ginny's long-held belief that you are the Boy Who Lived, and give your surrogate family, The Weasleys, all the support you can..." The voice began.
"The same 'older generation' who caused all this mess in the first place?!" Harry snapped, "Clearly they know what they're doing. So, who ended up the Dark Lord after Voldemort?"
"I highly doubt that there will be another Dark Lord..." The voice scoffed, "The people who should be in power are in power, and those who should keep their nose out of that kind of business aren't,"
"So, My whole purpose for existing was to stroke Ginny's ego and be some champion for the causes of 'blood traitors' like the Weasleys, while continuing to ignore the inequality of the world around me, because, hey, I'm apparently just like them, yet another wizard who should just ignore the crap and enjoy the magic?" Harry sighed, "Never mind… What benefits are there to being such a good friend to the Weasleys?"
A list of various items appeared in the space in front of him. He then noticed a pattern to them. Things like his family owning a 25% share in the Chudley Cannons or Holyhead Harpies, or being former board members at Nimbus Broom Company. The vast majority of them were heavily geared towards things like Quidditch, which would help his standing with Ron or Oliver Wood, but not help one bit with befriending someone like Luna or Hermione.
He looked through the list for something like 'Lily's Old Potions Book' or other items which would be good for handling Snape or making allies with the other Heads Of Houses. Nope, This 'benefits' list would make him, again, practically a non-redheaded stepchild of Molly Weasley.
"I said BENEFITS! This will just ensure that, when the time comes, I end up with practically the same ending!" Harry snapped, "What's so good about owning a 25% share in the Chudley Cannons unless I want to show I support Ron's team? What about something like finding my mother' s potions book so I can curb Snape's attitude, or some other keepsakes of my parents? These ensure I'll always be the 'best friend' of the Weasleys. No-one else."
"Well, Excuse me, but those are immensely beneficial considering how the story is meant to go..." The voice snapped, "Now, Here are your perks. Please choose which ones you wish to use..."
Harry felt his temper rise at how much the voice was increasingly sounding like Dumbledore, while looking at the perks list, pausing as he noticed something about one of them, namely the allowance to save his game freely.
"Checkpoint Saving (Locked): You achieved the victory conditions 'Support Weasley', 'Dumbledore's Martyr' and 'The Pureblood's Hero' in the same session..." Harry read, "What are these victory conditions?"
"OK, The first one is to only befriend and support the Weasley Family or Dumbledore throughout all seven years," The voice stated, "It was recently patched to allow Dumbledore, but your friendship with Hermione in your first year, and your later good friendships with Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom cancelled out that victory condition completely,"
"Honest question... Was Hermione meant to die in First Year?" Harry asked.
"Why do you think the troll was in the wrong place?" The voice snapped, "One less muggleborn..."
Harry seethed. While he didn't mind too much some of this voice's attitude, he was beginning to talk more and more like Severus Snape.
"So, I just follow Ron around and do what he wants, accept Molly's forceful attempts to make me her step-son..." Harry growled, "OK, Next one?"
"We'll be fixing that one due to a bug that developed… You must ensure that Dumbledore survives till the end of 7th Year, and help destroy all the horcruxes, so, during the final battle, you are killed, destroying the last horcrux, and the prophecy is fulfilled. Neither survives," The voice declared, adding in a lower tone, "The original version allowed you to be resurrected in the unlikely event Dumbledore is assassinated in 6th Year. The patch will ensure the Death Curse works correctly in that situation,"
"Oh great, so I have to challenge Voldemort and throw myself in front of him to get the last horcrux killed, so Dumbledore becomes a hero..." Harry snarked, "And the last one?"
"Ah yes, You broke that a few times. While it might not be nice to do so, you don't try to break up the Pureblood rhetoric," The voice stated, "Yes, Your godfather might end up spending life in prison, and Dumbledore will certainly need that victory against Voldemort at the end, but if the Ministry is happy, you're doing your job right..."
"So, Unless I'm some dyed-in-the-wool pureblood bigot who gives Dumbledore another notch on his belt, What am I meant to do if I get killed and have to start over?" Harry asked.
"Except in the final battle, die of course..." The voice offered, "Well, why should you be anything other than the Weasley family's bread basket?"
Harry now really was thinking this disembodied voice was like Dumbledore or Snape.
'Keep your head down, Don't change anything, Do what I say, nothing more, and trust the Weasleys,' Harry thought to himself, 'He's literally spouting Dumbledore's rhetoric...'
"I'd almost think you were ransoming key features just to make sure I'm as disgusting and shallow a person as possible..." Harry snapped, "Sorry, Not happening..."
"How untrue! Why would I do that?" The voice continued, but Harry had already turned around and left, leaving the blinking prompt for 'New Game' waiting for him to return.
"He'll be back..." The voice sighed, "He's not yet finished the game properly!"