As I watched the buildings crumble from the Manhattan skyline, right before my eyes, I knew I'd never be the same girl again.
I remember that day like it was yesterday.
It never leaves my mind.
It haunts me every day.
You haunt me every day.
Had I have known that it was to be the last time I would see you I would have made it count.
I would have told you everything and anything that came into my mind.
I would have kissed you like I'd never kissed you before.
I would have made love to you so tenderly I'd never have needed to utter those special three words again because you'd have just known.
I would have told you the one piece of information that may have held you up that day; that may have kept you here with me, where you belonged.
But no, it wasn't meant to be.
Would haves mean very little when everything you love, want, need, desire and cherish is taken away from you.
So as you leant down to kiss my cheek, your breath caressing my skin, warm from the rays of sun peeking through the crack in the almost nonexistent curtains, I took for granted that I'd get the opportunity to experience this again.
"I love you." You whispered.
"Good." I replied, a smile on my face, before murmuring those words back. "I love you, too."
You left me in bed, our bed, you were going downtown to meet with your father. I knew I had to talk to you, I knew there were things I needed to tell you, but I'd put it off once already, what were another couple of hours, wasn't like it was like or death.
We'll not that I believed it was at the time. Amazing how wrong I could be.
Anyway, I digress.
I threw back the sheets and pulled on your white button up, over my plain white panties. This was our normal morning routine. We'd wake up, I'd throw on your shirt from the day before and I'd make you breakfast before we headed to class, but not today, no today was different, for all the wrong reasons.
"Do you want pancakes or french toast?" I asked as I put my arms around you before you left, wanting to feel you close just for a few more seconds.
"Doesn't matter." You replied with a smile.
"French toast..." Aidan mumbled from his pit of a bed, causing us to laugh.
I kissed you one last time as you left the apartment before returning to bed for a little. I knew you'd be gone for at least a couple of hours, hours that will now become forever.
Butterflies in my tummy caused me to get up. I hoped that keeping myself busy would make the time go faster. Aidan strolled into the kitchen not long after, his robe left open, wearing only boxer shorts scratching at his head, still half asleep. I knew it was the mention of breakfast that had awoken him early.
"Past the bread out of there for me?" I asked as he rooted around in the fridge.
He grunted in return, tossing the loaf of pre sliced bread onto the counter top, before unscrewing the lid of the juice and drinking straight from the bottle. I'd have bitched about the lack of glass, but it was pointless, it went in one ear and straight out of the other.
I heated the pan, soaked the bread in the eggy mixture and threw it in the pan, watching as the bread turned a pale golden colour before turning it over. It didn't take long to make enough for the pair of us, and I put the remainder of the batter in the fridge for when you got home. I knew you didn't like it reheated, much preferring it to be fresh, and today of all days, I wanted to make it special for you.
I sipped the bitter coffee, knowing it was going to be the only cup I'd get to have that day. I wanted to make sure that I was taking care of myself, I still want, no, make that need, to look after myself, but it gets harder every day, but I do it, knowing that it's what you would have wanted.
We sat down and Aidan switched on the T.V, smacking the remote against the arm of the sofa because you'd not changed the batteries like you promised you would, as of yet, they've still not be changed, but we live with it, it's no longer important to us.
We heard the loud bang first, of course, but didn't think anything of it, Aidan looked out of the window but didn't see anything in the street, he shrugged it off, it never occurred to us just how that bang would affect us all.
That's when we saw it on the T.V. The news reporting that a plane had flown into the World Trade Center. The home of your dad's work place. The toast fell from my hands onto the floor in front of me, Aidan moved from the sofa, dragging me behind him, out the door and up the stairs to the roof where we'd be able to see what was happening. As awful as it sounded, I hoped it was the other building.
It all went in slow motion from then on in.
How your cell rang and rang and rang; your voicemail being the closest way I'll ever get to hear your voice again.
How the dust fell from the sky like confetti on a wedding day, leaving a covering over every surface it came into contact with.
My legs collapsing underneath me, and a strange cry filling the silent, still air around us; Aidan later told me that that cry was from me.
He says it still haunts him, the eerie cry from my lips against the commotion of what was going on. I won't apologise though. I can't apologise.
You'd be proud of him, though Tyler, he's a good man, he's stepped up to the crease and he's doing everything for me he can, though he's a broken man inside.
He said he now knows what it must have been like for you when Michael passed.
He has your name tattooed on his arm, a constant reminder in his life of what he's lost.
I don't need a tattoo, I'll forever have a constant reminder of my own.
The reason I wanted that day to be so special was because it was going to be the day that our lives changed forever.
Of course that happened anyway in a cruel twist of fate.
It was meant to be the day that you reassured me everything was going to be ok, that we'd be ok. Now I don't have anything other than faith in the fact that you're watching down over me. Your mom reassures me, but it's not the same.
It was meant to be you.
I was never meant to be doing this on my own; however, there is no other way. No other choice.
It's the last connection I have with you.
Forgive me though, please, because I'll always regret that I never got to tell you that you were going to be a father.
As I caress my swollen stomach I say out loud the words that I say every night when I crawl into our bed, pulling your pillow close.
I love you Tyler.
Always have and always will.