~Chapter 1: The list~
Percy POV
Hey guys I said walking up to my friends look what I found. I showed them the list I was holding:
101 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
1.
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and
stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout
the day.
4.
Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get
to join
in.
5.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray
air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially
thin narrow aisles.
10.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think
we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what
happens.
11.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
and
turn the volumes to "10″.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen
you
in so long!…" etc. See if they play along to avoid
embarrassment.
14.
While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud
enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk,
anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're
taking it
for a "test drive."
17.
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
five feet
away. Continue to do this until they leave the
department.
18.
Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as
your playing field.
19.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized
and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll
only
invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from
the
other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying,"…I'm
Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside
down.
29.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
"Why
won't you people just leave me alone?"
30.
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
employees if there
are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any
Shnerples here?"
31.
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full
scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
32. Take bets on the battle described above.
33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
34.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
"Mission:
Impossible."
35.
Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
squeezing your
legs together and practically yell at him " I
need some
tampons!!"
36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your
Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43.
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
food aisle,
etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45.
Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the
restrooms
46.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at
something,
quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal
position and scream, "No, no! It's those
voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
relax. If
the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain
that you
don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little
umbrella in
it.
52.
Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your
head and
walk around the store casually.
53.
Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the
mannequins.
54. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
55.
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
between
them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
56.
Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while
you pick your nose.
57.
Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes.
(Red
lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
58.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the
clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act
as spastic
as possible.
59.
While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and
women's
signs on the doors of the rest room.
61.
In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with
various
funnels.
62.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
through, say
things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare
them into
believing that the clothes are talking to them
63.
While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you
and get
into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is
breaking up
with you and you begin crying "How could you
do this to me? I
thought you loved me! I knew there was
another girl, but I thought
I had won. You kissed ME
darling." Then act as though you are
being beaten and fall onto
the ground screaming and having
convulsions.
64.
Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people
out.
65.
Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and
begin
stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."
66.
Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of
shoes, not
putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the
boxes and throw it
in various aisles.
67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
68.
In the makeup department, spray yourself with every
perfume there
is, then walk up to a boy who is with another
girl and start
flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
"hi!!!! (giggle)
What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy
shows no interest,
start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
"hi!!!! (giggle)
What's your sign?(giggle)."
70.
Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of
super strong
perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean
in and sniff them
then jump back and wave your hand in front
of your nose and saying
"Oh god, your over powering the
perfume!!"
71. Hit on the elderly.
72. Hit on 5 year olds.
73.
In the food aisle, pretend like there's a little bug, slowly
move
your head to the right, then swing your head to the left
as if
your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the
ground,
then start spinning around in circles stomping like
crazy. Then
finally yell out "Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was
the biggest
Cockrouch I've ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!!
Hey look,
there's another one!!!" Then Repeat.
74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray.
75.
Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat.
Meow when
people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.
76.
Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a
prissy
English Man. Say things like "Cheerio, good man." to
people
who walk by. And don't forget to have perfect posture.
77.
Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your
friends
up and down aisles trying to run over them with those
electric
cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they
don't know
you.
78.
Spend all your money riding on those little rides for
toddlers.
Fit the character; if your on a hoarse, then pretend
that your a
cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over
wanting to use it,
start barking at them until
they run away crying.
79.
Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind
customers and
"accidentally" hit the people instead of your
friend.
80. Excesively use anything thing that says "Try Me".
81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.
82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.
82.
Walk up to the customer service and when they say
"Hello, how
may I help you?" say "Yes, I'll have a Quarter
Pounder with
cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of
french fries and a
diet coke." And when they start to talk, say
"Oh, to go".
Then when they say that they can't give it to you
say "Oh,
This is because I'm gay isn't it? I'd expect this from
Caldors,
but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like
everyone else
your know. You digust me" Then walk away
mumbling to yourself.
If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl-
like as you can
83.
Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people
asking where
the rash cream is because your family and all
your friends seem to
have a rash too.
84.
When your alone, have loud conversations with your
"multiple
personalities". Have an English man, a Southern
person, someone
from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old
girl all at the same
time. You have to use accents. They should
sound like this: "Great
idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly
good time.(English)"
"Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta
Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New
York)" Etc.
85.
Start "dancing" like mad. Basically, just wail your arms
and
legs around like your having some kind of massive
seizure.
86.
Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the
store.
87.
Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to
leave the
store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your
walking
through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to
go off. Then
when it doesn't go off, let out a big sigh. Then
quickly look
around you to see who's watching and run away
as fast as your
can.
88.
Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,
your nose,
your forehead, and the top of your head while
singing the circus
song.
89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department
90. Put lingerie in the men's department.
91.
Put super sexy lingerie in old men's carts when they turn
around.
93.
Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,
start
saying blink everytime it blinks. Don't look away, just
stay
mesmerized.
(you'll have to that one grover none of us could)
94.
Walk up to a lady and calmly say "Help me. The voices in
my head
are telling me to do naughty things." Then clap your
hands over
your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming
"NO!!! I
DON'T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO
NO NO NO!!!!" Then
suddenly stop, look her straight in the
eyes, and Calmly say
"I…will start…a fire…" The pull out a
zippo and start
laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don't
light the zippo,
just hold it closed.
95. Light a match under a spinkler.
96.
Walk up to someone and say "Oh, so your back for more. I
warned
you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get
my shot
gun". Then walk away.
97.
Walk up to a guy and say "Oh my god, is it you? Oh my
god it
is!!! I haven't seen you in so long!!!!" Then kiss him.
Then
slap and him say "Why didn't you ever call me??" Then
walk
away. Much more affective if you're a guy.
98.
Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a
mannequin. Try to
hold the same position for as long as
possible. Then finally as
someone is walking by, check your
watch and say. "Finally, my
shift is done. I really don't get
paid enough to do this"
99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.
100.
Act like your about to cry and ask people "Have you seen
my
mommy?"
101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.
BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
"So" I asked "should we do it?" "Yeah that's awesome" said Grover.
Review or I'll set Cerberus on you. Just kidding but please review.