Final Fantasy: Not-So-Mystic

Quest

By Xiao Leonhart

Xiao: This fanfic is yet another FF7/FF8 crossover, but based around FF8 characters because, after all, Squall is one. This was also the first fanfic I ever wrote, before I'd actually played the game. Ah yes. You'll have to use your imagination in a certain part of the fic that relates to font. Evil writing was Chiller, and the font that replaced it was something with a lot of curls... all will become clear in time.

Chapter One: Where Have All The Hot Dogs Gone?

Scene: The Cafeteria of Balamb Garden. The Disciplinary Committee are sitting around with nothing to do. Seifer Almasy is throwing his gunblade in the air, seeing how many times he can spin it around before catching it again.

Seifer: Ho hum…

Raijin: Ho hum, ya know?

Fujin: EXTREME BOREDOM.

Seifer: Why don't we go bust into someone's room and do a completely unwarranted search-and-seizure?

Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE. MORE SHUMI-ROCK, NEED.

Seifer flips his gunblade one last time. It discharges, blowing a hole in the wall.

Seifer: Whoops…

Raijin: That was pretty cool ya know?

Squall looks in to see what the noise was.

Squall: …?

Raijin: Don't ask, ya know.

Squall raises his eyebrows, but before he can say anything an electronic chime sounds throughout the cafeteria.

Irritating Announcer: May I have your attention, please. May I have your attention, please.

Fujin: STAND, REAL SLIM SHADY.

Irritating Announcer: Would the real hotdog thief please stand up, please stand up, please stand up? I am sorry to announce that the cafeteria's supply of hot dogs have been stolen from our high-security freezer vault. Hot dogs will be unavailable until further notice. However, the Garden Festival Committee has kindly volunteered to provide home-made spinach and tofu burgers.

Seifer: You mean…

Raijin: the only food at the cafeteria will be…

Fujin: TILMITT, COOKING?

Squall: NOOO!!!!

Fujin: RAGE! CAPITALS, MINE!

Fujin moves to kick Squall in the shin. Squall backs away.

Raijin: Hey, what's that?

Fujin stops in mid-kick to listen. The echo of a wailing voice can be heard throughout Balamb Garden.

Eerie Voice: MY HOT DOGS! BELOVED HOT DOGS! GOOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!

Raijin: Yo, Eerie Voice, stop stealing Fujin's typeface ya know?

Selphie, Rinoa, Irvine and Quistis run at top speed into the cafeteria.

Squall: What's up?

Rinoa: *pant*… Zell… *gasp*

Quistis (who is considerably fitter than Rinoa): Zell's gone insane.

Irvine: It's been too long between hot dogs. Zell's become dependent on the chemicals they put in them- he's suffering withdrawal symptoms.

Raijin: Is he okay?

Irvine: See for yourself…

Squall, Fujin, Raijin and Seifer follow Irvine to Zell's room, which is being guarded by a few Trepies.

Seifer: What are you guys doing more than 5 metres away from Quistis?

Nameless Trepie #1: *sigh*… Instructor Trepe spoke to me!

Nameless Trepie #2: *irritated* Spoke to us, you mean.

Nameless Trepie #3: She said that if we did a good job of guarding this door, she'd… she'd… *smiles blissfully* she'd ask us to help her again some time!

Fujin:…AMAZED.

Irvine: *all business* We need to see Zell.

Nameless Trepies immediately become defensive.

Nameless Trepie #3: Instructor Trepe told us to guard this door…

Nameless Trepie #1: …and that's what we'll do. No-one gets past us.

Nameless Trepie #2: *defiantly* You'll have to kill us first!

Fujin: *draws shiruken* ENJOYABLE.

Irvine: *hastily* Can't we just knock on the door?

Nameless Trepie #1: *eyes Fujin warily* Well… okay.

Squall walks up to the door and knocks sharply.

Squall: Zell? You in there?

Zell: MWEEDLEHEEHEEDLEHEEHEEDLE!

All: …?

Zell: I know you're out there, little hot dog! Come to Uncle Zell!

Fujin: SQUALL… HOT DOG?

Squall: *worriedly* Zell, it's me, man. Snap out of it.

Zell: So! They have sent a talking hot dog as their representative! Think that'll fool me, eh? I know better!

Irvine: *sadly* See what I mean?

Nameless Trepie #1: You'd better go. I don't want to go against the wishes of Instructor Trepe.

Seifer: If Trepe told you to throw yourself under a train, would you do it?

Nameless Trepie #3: Is that some kind of trick question?

Seifer: No.

Nameless Trepie #2: Of course we would! But she'd never do that. She's too kind, and compassionate, and intelligent, and…

Everyone runs away before the Trepies drive them all nuts.

Fujin: "FUJIES", NEED.

Back at the Cafeteria. Fujin is looking at Quistis with something like admiration.

Fujin: TREPIES, HOW?

Quistis (who is fluent in Fujinese): I don't know why they choose to hang around me, but- hey, having a team of personal slaves isn't all bad.

Selphie: But isn't that, like, abusing their dedication or whatever?

Quistis: *grins wickedly* Yes. But it suits me.

Raijin: Ouch…

Quistis: What?

Seifer: He got caught on that four-syllable word. "Dedication".

Raijin: Oww!

Squall has been talking to Rinoa.

Squall:…and I'm really worried. I mean, Zell's usually a little crazy, but this…!

Rinoa: I wonder what happened to the hot dogs?

Selphie and Raijin break into a spontaneous chorus of "Where Have All The Hotdogs Gone?"

Selphie/Raijin: Where have all the hot dogs gooone? Loooong tiiime passing… Where have all the hot dogs gooone? Loooong tiiime agoooo…

Fujin: RAGE!!!

Fujin delivers a powerful shin-shattering kick to both Selphie and Raijin, considerably harder in Selphie's case. Being somewhat lighter and less used to being beaten up than Raijin, Selphie flies across the cafeteria with a fading "Booyakaaaa…", continuing on through the hole Seifer blew in the wall.

Seifer: Good one!

Quistis: It's not a good day for the cafeteria.

Selphie: *groan*… hey… Booyaka! Like, soooo super-duper-mega-total-hyper-ultima cool, you guys! Check it out!

Everyone: ??????

Selphie: Come here!

Everyone exchanges glances, then runs over to investigate the smoking hole in the wall.

Xiao: Wahaa... fanfiction is more entertaining than I thought.