Fun fact, I am now 100% grade-A Mass Effect trash. So have the first of what I'm sure will be a lot of fics. BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TWO OTHER PROJECTS RUNNING CONCURRENTLY OR ANYTHING RIGHT
Anyway, I really felt it when Traynor said she wanted to fuck EDI's voice, because that's the same way I feel about Garrus' goddamn voice. It's gotten to the point that taking him on away missions is automatically a distraction because of his COMMENTS. Hence, this. First appearance of Alice Shepard, I guess, but read her however you want.
Mass Effect (c) fucking bioware.
The latest battleground was Mindoir, the fight unsurprisingly against Cerberus - they'd had a large hand in rebuilding the colony after its devastation by batarian slavers, in fostering xenophobic sentiment, and in rounding up and killing the colonists after they sought Alliance help before the Reaper onslaught.
"Scoped and dropped!" Garrus announced smugly as yet another Cerberus soldier fell.
Shepard's lip only twitched. She could totally ignore that voice, the voice that only earlier today had been murmuring a good morning in her ear. She continued to plow through the resistance that stood between her team and the facility.
They moved up to a position near the entrance. Garrus found a spot on some elevated walkways to do what he did best. He got a shielded agent from behind, and a proud "One less to worry about!" rang out. It was the same tone he used when he'd won a game of laser tag during a date.
This time Shepard missed an engineer that was literally five feet in front of her, allowing him time to set up a turret. She fumed and dove for cover as the turret sprayed a storm of bullets in her direction. Liara took out the engineer and two others with a singularity, allowing Shepard to deal with the turret.
The team entered the facility with a rather annoyed Shepard at point. Maybe she could find a route that would pass any more Cerberus goons. That way they wouldn't have to fight, and everyone could just be very, very quiet as they searched for the person in charge, Dr. Fields, and convinced him to stand down.
Naturally, it didn't work out like that. Dr. Fields had set up shop in the deepest recesses of the base, leaving the team to fight their way down. Shepard was at the end of her rope by the time they were halfway through the basement hanger. She couldn't even look at Garrus. Her mind was already way too far from the task at hand. All she could think about was her stupid boyfriend's stupid voice and all the different times and contexts she'd heard it. She decided to vent her frustration on the last Atlas mech. She cracked the pilot's dome, but it was Garrus who made the killshot.
"I love this rifle!"
"Goddammit, Vakarian!" Shepard physically turned away from the enemy to look at him.
Garrus hardly glanced up from his scope. "What? Did I steal a kill? You've gotta be quicker, Shepard!"
"What the hell is with the running commentary?!"
"Wha - what?" This got his attention; he completely raised his head to blink at his girlfriend.
Liara interjected, hoping to stop the terribly mistimed argument before it began, "Just a reminder, but we're being shot at!"
But Shepard was not to be deterred. "I keep hearing you from around the field and it's distracting as hell!"
"I - are you mad at me right now?"
Liara was kind enough to project a barrier to protect her two less than brilliant teammates, who had completely abandoned the fight at this point. It was a noble thought, but some of the few Cerberus agents left had stopped firing, puzzled as to what would make the legendary Commander Shepard utterly ignore a confrontation.
"I'm not mad, I'm just at the end of my rope!"
"Are we seriously doing this in the middle of a fight?"
"Are you seriously trying that hard to turn me on in the middle of a fight?"
With that pronouncement, the last few soldiers still attacking ceased. Liara's barrier flickered and died in her shock. The hanger was silent except for the sound of the impromptu spat.
Garrus stared at Shepard, his Shepard, with her cheeks pink and adorably furrowed brow, and felt the indignation ebb away, to be replaced by -
"Are you laughing?" Shepard demanded.
"Let me get this straight - you're yelling at me because my commentary turns you on?"
"Don't act surprised!"
"I am surprised! I mean, here we are, bullets flying, biotics blasting, and you - wait a second, there aren't any bullets flying..."
Shepard and Garrus once again graced the world with their presence. They were just as surprised to see that the onslaught had ceased as the onlookers were about what they had witnessed. The resulting silence was heavy and awkward; no one knew whether they should talk or keep shooting.
"We'll discuss this later," Shepard muttered. "Do not let any of these people leave here alive."
The trio made short work of the rest of the resistance and made it to the security room at the opposite end of the hanger. Liara ripped the door off its hinges so the team could enter. It was arguably a very badass scene, marred only by Dr. Fields' complete lack of fear.
"I must admit, I was not expecting that little show," he said with much more amusement and calm than he should have.
Shepard rested her hand on her pistol. "I've had a really rough week, Dr. Fields. You probably shouldn't exacerbate things when I'm the one deciding whether you live or die."
"Forgive me if I'm less than concerned. Do you always do that? Talk about your personal life on the battlefield, I mean. Because it's a bit unprofessional, and - "
A shot rang out, and Dr. Fields was silenced forever. It was not Shepard's or Liara's barrel that smoked, but Garrus'.
"Don't say it," Shepard said through her teeth. "Don't you say it."
Garrus leaned close to her ear and whispered, "Never saw me comin'."
That was the closest Garrus ever became to being purposely left behind.
Once Shepard had some time to decompress, eat a decent meal, and take a nap, the true horror of her indiscretion on Mindoir slowly dawned on her. She sought her favorite turian in the front battery, his main haunt, intent on doing the right thing and apologizing.
Garrus turned when he heard the door slide open, a huge grin already in place. He refrained from commenting immediately, however, when he noticed the repentant expression on Shepard's face.
Without preamble, she said, "Garrus, I...I'm sorry. For the other day. For yelling at you. It was really unprofessional and I shouldn't have done it. I wasn't mad at you, I - I'm sorry, it was all ridiculous, and - "
Garrus cut her off with a full-bodied laugh. He felt a bit bad for it - Shepard was clearly sincere - but the whole situation was too amusing.
Shepard sighed. "Why do you always laugh at me when I'm trying to be serious?"
"Shepard, you don't need to apologize. Everything about what happened was...hilarious."
"You have a really weird sense of humor."
"Oh, come here." Garrus took Shepard in his arms and swayed her slightly as he spoke. "To know that I aroused the legendary Commander Shepard to the point where she snapped in the middle of a fight is a personal accomplishment I never knew I was gunning for. Now, do tell me - exactly what about my commentary drove you wild?"
Shepard's cheeks were long ablaze. She couldn't quite look Garrus in the eye as she answered. "Your voice. It was one of the first things that attracted me to you."
"Mmm, is that so?"
"Oh my god. Now you're just doing it on purpose." Shepard tried to step away, but her awful, infuriating boyfriend pulled her back. "Let me go, I have a ship to run!"
"Oh, not so fast."
"What do you want from me?" she whined.
"Just to see you squirm." Garrus kissed her on the forehead and freed her. "I'll see you tonight."
The way he said it made Shepard shiver; she sprinted out the door before "tonight" became "right now on top of the equipment".