~Romano in Wonderland~
It was a fucking amazing day for me, walking randomly through the forest. Why? Cuz that fucking Spanish bastard sent me. Fuck knows why. He just told me to fuck off to the forest for a while with that stupid fucking grin on his face that showed he was planning something. A fucking brilliant day.
So, there I was, walking through some trees, when I spotted this weird flash of blonde hair, with rabbit ears popping out of it. Curiously, I ran after this stupid rabbit thing... then tripped over a rock, and fell. Except, I didn't fucking fall face first like you'd expect. Some bastard dug a whole hundreds of miles deep randomly in the middle of nowhere. So I just kept falling, and falling, and fucking falling.
At first, I screamed, covered my ears and closed my eyes so I couldn't see the bottom... then when I didn't stop falling, I opened my eyes to see what the fuck was going on. I just kept falling and falling, down this narrow space, along with burnt scones, mutant meat balls, clocks ticking backwards and other crazy ass shit, just floating there like it fucking owned the place or something.
I threw my arms about, trying to clutch something, swearing loudly in Spanish... then I hit the bottom, surprisingly painlessly.
"FUCK!" I swore aloud, rubbing my arse and taking a look at my surroundings. I was in a room, fuck knows where. There were many, many doors, and just a table sitting randomly in the middle of the room, minding its own business and really pissing me off.
So, like any smart person, the first thing I did was try to open the doors. Of course, being the stupid fuckers they were, none of them would even budge.
"CHIGI!" I cried out angrily. "WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?"
I went over to kick the table out of frustration, when I noticed there was a small glass vial sitting on there, with a label saying "Drink me". Despite popular opinions, I was not a stupid fucking idiot. It was obviously a stupid trap so that Spanish bastard could fuck me or something. No way was I doing that again!
Instead, I decided to throw the vial over at one of the doors, smashing it, and kick the table repeatedly until a piece of it snapped off. I then took the broken piece of table, and stabbed one of the doors repeatedly until there was a large hole in the door. Then, like any sane person, I kicked the rest of the door until I could climb through it, mumbling many swears under my breath as I did so.
Once I was out, I found myself in a strange place... filled with trees , flowers that had faces that scarily resembled Austria... and that potato bastard, wearing skin tight short shorts, a waist coat, and nothing else. On top of his head sat a set of pure white rabbit ears.
"FUCK!" he shouted loudly, in English nonetheless. "I'M LATE! I'M FUCKING LATE! ITALY'S GOING TO KILL ME!"
With this, the potato bastard raced off, swearing loudly in English as he went. I glared angrily and raced after him. So that potato bastard was going to see mio fratellino, was he? Well, I'd have to go protect poor Feliciano from that bastard!
I followed the potato bastard through the strange land for a while, surprised that I could keep up for so long... but finally, he fucking got ahead, leaving me alone in the middle of fucking nowhere.
"Fuck... now what?" I questioned aloud. I sat myself angrily on the ground, unsure of what else to do, and just waited for something to happen. I don't know how long I sat there, listening to those weird fucking ass Austria flowers play what sounded like mini pianos, when finally I saw something move around in a bush nearby.
"Alfred!" a small voice whined. "We've gone the wrong way!"
"NO WAY!" a loud voice shouted out, soon followed by a small, child like figure stepping out. "I'm sure this was the right way!"
This small child like person, Alfred (who looked strangely like America) from the sounds of it, was soon followed by an identical figure. The only difference was, this figure had a curl like mine. It took me a moment to realise that this actually was America, the annoying bastard always eating burgers. I didn't know he had a twin... although the twin of his had something different about him that I couldn't put my finger on...
"Hey, you!" I shouted, standing up and storming over to the two of them. "Who the fuck are you and how the fuck do I leave?"
"I'm Matthew!" the one that wasn't America shouted, but mini-America spoke over the top of him.
"I'm the hero! I'm Alfred! Me and my brother are going to see the almighty caterpillar!" America declared. What... the fuck?
"What the fuck?" I shouted. "I only want to fucking know how to get out of here!"
"Huh? Why would you-" Matthew started to say.
"Why would you want to leave here?" Alfred shouted. "THIS PLACE IS AMAZING! Dude, you can do whatever you want here! Its fucking awesome!"
I glared at the mini America, twitching in anger.
"I. Don't. Fucking. Care. Just..." I frowned for a moment, thinking. "... Take me to see this fucking caterpillar thing. Maybe he can tell me how to get the fuck out of here!"
The two little people, looked at each other, shrugged and took my hands in theirs and started skipping off, dragging me behind them. I swore loudly at the two bastards for dragging me, surprised at how strong such a tiny grip could be. Fucking assholes!
Thankfully, it didn't take too long to get to the clearing where the caterpillar bastard sat. At first, all I could see was a long pale body, with red splotches over it in random places. I decides this was its back. Suddenly, the creature turned to face me and the two mini people, and I felt my heart stop when I saw its face.
This 'almighty caterpillar' as Alfred called it, looked like a caterpillar, right up until you saw its face. This wasn't just a fucking caterpillar, this was Russia! Fucking Russia! The fucking crazy lunatic who would squish you like a bug if you messed with him! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
"Privet~" Russia said brightly, tilting his caterpillar head to the side to look at the three of us curiously. "It's a pleasure to see you again Alfred and... um... M-Matthew, correct? And this is... Lovino, da?"
His words swelled strangely around his body, like fucking smoke or some shit like that. They danced around his head, then the small America twins before swirling delightfully around my head and fucking exploding in my fucking face!
I froze in place, twitching with anger. That bastard dared call me my human name? Then blow smoke in my face? What the fuck was wrong with him? Did he have a death wish or something?
"CHIGI!" I roared. "HOW DARE YOU CALL ME MY HUMAN NAME? I AM ROMANO! ROMANO! DON'T CALL ME LOVINO DAMN IT!"
"Kolkolkolkol~" Russia laughed moving the top half of his body so he was face to face with me, his words exploding in my face. "I think somebody has a bit of name confusion~. You are Lovino, Romano does not even exist here~!"
"Eh? What's Romano?" Alfred asked loudly, but Russia just waved him off with one of his many hands, smirking widely in my fucking face.
"Fuck off bastardo!" I growled, pushing the caterpillar bastard away. "I am Romano, and you are Russia. Now fuck off before I kick your fucking ass you bastard!"
Fuck. That one sentence cause the vibes Russia was sending to turn dark. The two America's clung to each other in fear, while I stumbled back helplessly. Where was that Spanish bastard when I fucking needed him!
"Net," Russia spat, his words exploding violently in my face with a mass of dark purple clouds. "You will not use that language with me! You die now, da?"
I trembled in fear for a brief moment, when suddenly the mini America stepped out in front of me.
"THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR THE HERO!" Alfred shouted, smirking proudly. "Run Lovino dude, I'll take this caterpillar down easy!"
I blinked for a moment, staring down at the little bastard like he was crazy... but~ if it meant I could escape Russia, then screw who got hurt!
Like lightning, I raced out of the clearing and into the forest, not stopping until I could no longer hear the annoying "kolkolkolkol"s of Russia. Finally, I slowed to a walk, taking in my surroundings with a scowl.
Typically, I was in a fucking dark forest, surrounded by nothing but dead fucking trees. There were no more Austria flowers playing their weird ass fucking pianos, just dead trees and a sudden loss of fucking sunlight. Ah, just fucking great.
"Kesesesesese~"
I froze. Oh, fuck. I'd know that voice anywhere. I looked around frantically, searching for the familiar pure white hair and annoying grin I'd become far too familiar with. I was shocked to see... nothing.
"Kesesesese, I'm here~!"
I flailed my arms about angrily, searching for the annoying fucking albino, turning around to make sure he wasn't behind me, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I flipped my head around, coming face to face with the infamous idiotic friend of Spain's, Prussia.
"CHIGI!" I roared, leaping back from the grinning idiot. At first, I thought he might actually be the first normal person I saw in this stupid fucking place... Then I noticed his fucking tail.
Yes, that's right, tail. The albino idiot had a fucking cat's tail, and after closer inspection, I realised he had the twitching ears to match. A pure white tail, to match his pure white ears and hair. Well, just when I thought I found someone fucking normal... no, scratch that, cattiness aside, Prussia was never normal.
"You're that newbie, Lovi right~?" Prussia asked, making me glare daggers at the bastard. He had to look so fucking smug about it all.
"Fuck you! If you have to call me my fucking human name, call me Lovino!" I shrieked, puffing my cheeks out in an angry pout.
"Kesesesese~" Prussia smirked, leaning down so he was nose to nose with me. "You want me to fuck you, little boy~?"
I turned bright red, with anger of course, and kneed the stupid albino right in the fucking balls, sending him doubling over in pain. Leaping away from the bastard, I crossed my arms and turned to face away from him, yelling angrily in my mother tongue about him being a perverted bastard.
"Ow! Fucking hell!" the bastard cried, suddenly appearing in front of me. "A simple no would have been fine! Jeez! Why did Toni make me do this anyway?"
At first, I was shocked at the sudden reappearance of the albino bastard, but the mention of Antonio quickly got me glaring once again at the stupid albino.
"Spa-... Antonio? What did he make you do?" I demanded, stomping my foot angrily on the ground while waiting for a reply.
"Oh, I should've known that would get your attention! Kesesesese~!" the stupid albino laughed. "Toni wanted to meed you~! Apparently, he thinks you're going to be absolutely fucking adorable!"
I glared darker at the word adorable, blushing furiously at the word, before deciding to let it slide, just this once. I didn't know what to fucking expect anymore. Knowing my luck, Spain would be some stupid fucking turtle monster or something.
Prussia said something about following him, but I drowned him out after that. I just wanted to see Spain, because quite frankly this stupid fucking world was starting to give me the fucking creeps.
So, I followed Prussia through the dark forest, drowning him out as he crapped on about how fucking awesome he thinks he is. We were walking for quite a fucking while too, until finally I spotted some light up ahead.
We came into a field of bright green grass, and in the middle of it all sat a long dining table, set for eight. I narrowed my eyes in distaste at how fucking British it was.
The very first person I saw sitting at this table was Feliciano, with long brown rabbit ears sticking up eagerly from his head and a bright smile spread across his face as he happily ate a plate of pasta in front of him.
Beside him, making me glare, was that stupid potato bastard. He was still wearing that stupid waistcoat, and he was twitching nervously beside Feli, mumbling something about being off schedule. Typical.
"West~!" Prussia cried happily, running up and sitting beside his fratellino. I sighed, deciding to ignore them and look around the rest of the table.
Across from Feliciano and the potato bastard sat America and that twin brother of his who's name I couldn't remember. Typically, the mini America was happily munching on a hamburger, whilst his twin sat there mumbling something so quiet I couldn't be sure what he was saying. I just ignored them.
There was an empty seat beside them, set with elegant silver knives and forks and a silver platter. It was obvious that some special bastard was going to sit there, so I ignored that completely. Although, that had nothing to do with the pirate sitting at the very end of the table, smiling warmly at me.
It was Spain, his hair flowing over his shoulder and tied with a bow in his old pirate uniform that I hadn't seen for years! I had to stop a blush from spreading to my cheeks... Not that I found it attractive or anything!
"Fratello~!" Feli cried happily once he saw me. "You're late for pasta~!"
As Feli said this, he threw a plate of pasta right at me, and I had to duck to get out of the way in time.
"HOLY FUCK WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU DOING?" I yelled, angrily waving about my arms. "HOW DARE YOU THROW A PLATE OF PASTA AT ME?"
Feli just smiled innocently at me, like he'd done nothing at all wrong. Bastard.
"Come now Lovi~!" Spain said sweetly, patting a spare seat beside him. "Sit down and relax with us~! Fusosososososo~!"
I glared angrily but did as I was told, too pissed off to really doing anything else. At least I got to sit with the normal one there, hopefully...
Of course, yet again, I was wrong. Once I sat myself beside Spain, I found myself being inspected, from head to toe. At one stage, he even lifted me high above the table, peeking up my suddenly too short maids dress and sending me into a frantic rampage.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING YOU FUCKING BASTARD?" I screeched, trying to free myself of the Spanish perverts grip. It was no use, once you were in the hands of a Spanish pirate, you weren't likely to escape. Fucking hell.
"Hmmm," Spain said, lifting me from my chair completely before placing me on his lap. "There~ Now the table looks even!"
I blinked, completely confused and fucking pissed off. Did he have a death wish or something? I tried to squirm free, but when Spain wants something he'll do anything to get it, including grab a hold on that oh so fucking sensitive curl.
"CHIGI! Bastard!" I whined, but decided not to fight him off... especially seeing as every fucking person there was staring at the two of us like we were the centre of the fucking planet. I didn't even know what the fuck was going on anymore.
"You're not escaping me~!" laughed the Spaniard. "You were late for your party, and now you're being terribly rude!"
The others all nodded in agreement. What fucking party? I didn't even bother asking, Spain was already throwing food at people and laughing his head off. Apparently, his version of 'party' was different to mine.
"Ve~ There's still one more person coming, right Ludwig~?" Feliciano asked sweetly, turning my attention from the annoying as fuck Spaniard who was holding my curl.
"Ja," the potato bastard answered in his usual, boring as fuck voice. "The Red Queen."
The... Red Queen? Who the fuck could that be? Mio dio! It better not be fucking France! I swear to fucking god if it's France who's this "Red Queen" I'll get Pirate Spain's sword and cut my fucking head off!
I spent a few minutes sitting on said Spaniard's lap, before I finally saw a brilliant red dress. It looked exactly like the red dresses some of the Spanish women would wear when dancing, it was amazing! I even stopped squirming for a while... Until I saw just who the fuck was in the dress.
Out of all the fucking nations that could have been wearing a dress, it wasn't one of the female ones wearing it! Oh no! This place was too fucked up for that! It was England. Fucking England!
"Hello there chaps!" the annoying-as-fuck Brit said casually, a golden crown glistening upon his head dotted with pure red rubies. Unfortunately, he decided his fucking arse was better than the rest of ours, so he took the seat next to Spain, the one with all the fancy shit.
All the other nations-... uh, people I guess they were here, decided to glare at the British bastard, including me. Clearly, even Feliciano hated the fucking bastard. ABOUT FUCKING TIME!
... Okay, so I doubted anything could get any more fucked up. England in a fucking dress, being called a Queen? I had to be fucking dreaming, no fucking was this was real!
Germany and Feli were not part rabbit, Russia was not a caterpillar, America was fully grown and did not have a twin... I think... And Prussia was not a fucking cat! The only thing that even half made sense was Spain being a pirate, but even then it didn't make any fucking sense!
Finally, things started going fuzzy, and the crazy-as-fuck world started dissolving around me. Of course, I knew it had to be a fucking dream!
Slowly, I opened my eyes, finding myself safe at home and in a certain Spanish man's bed. I snuggled into a warm chest, my heart beating faster once I realised there were a warm set of arms around me as well. I was safe, awake, and not in that crazy ass fucking world.
"Mmm, hey Lovi~" a voice whispered in my ear, surprising me to the point where I froze. "So you're finally awake~?"
I quickly squirmed out of Spain's arms, sitting up in our-... uh, his, bed and stretching, trying to remember when I fell asleep... I think, Spain had been reading me some shitty English story about some girl named Alice, although fuck knows why I needed to know that... And I guess I must've fallen asleep after that.
"Bastard, don't ever tell me shitty English stories again!" I whined, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "They fuck up my dreams."
"Oh~?" Spain said, quickly sitting up and trapping me in his arms. "Did you dream about Wonderland Lovi~?"
I tried to struggle free, but it was no use... Honestly! Not like I fucking enjoyed it or anything...
"I swear to fucking god, if I ever dream about Russia being some fucked up caterpillar and England being in a dress again, I'm going to kill you!" I complained loudly, making the Spaniard just blink at stare at me before bursting into laughter.
"Really Lovi~? That's so cute!" the Spanish man choked out through his laughter. "You'll have to tell me more~!"
I just punched him in the stomach.
Authors Note: Heh, well~ That was my EPIC FAIL attempt at a crack fanfic. This was... uh... loosely, based off Alice in Wonderland. In case you didn't quite understand who was who, here's a list:
Alice = Romano
Mad Hatter = Pirate!Spain
The Red Queen = Iggy
Rabbit = Germany
Hare = Italy
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee = America and Canada
Cheshire Cat = Prussia
Caterpillar Thing = Russia
If you didn't already guess, America's 'twin', as Lovi called him, was Canada. Poor thing is always mistaken for America, I thought I might as well name him America's 'twin' and make Lovi continuously forget his name. This inspiration for this was something called... Uh... I don't remember, but it was something with Grandmano in it and it was fucking awesome. And this crappy parody thingy was born. Enjoy, R&R~